Hello from Hunter.
I returned home with our son and 2 of his friends for an impromptu sleepover. Mark really was not in the mood for this but quickly adjusted...I am sorry he had not such a great night, but grateful that he blogged and worked through his feelings. He is doing great with his recovery and yes he is a miracle who was written off by most everyone. Mark never does things halfway, it is always with 100% intensity, focus, obsession, and passion. He drank with intensity and he is recovering with passion, focus, commitment, and intensity. THank GOd for recovery and for the laughter I hear in our son's room with his friends. Mark has gone off to bed and I am headed there too...I am exhausted.
Until tomorrow..
Friday, May 11, 2007
The dark side
Mark Alcoholic .
I was just thinking ,not good for AAs to think! But my son is very smart. Whenever I rage and I really hate it he just tells me its my dark side. I do believe that when we drink we change totally like Jekyll and Hyde .
Alcoholism is a rampant illness. I have started to hear people call this an illness. I am reading about my genes and trying to find out what has caused me to be in so much anguish. I don't know if it is in the genes but I will be posting an article about Alcoholism and our genes written by John Nurnberger Jr. and Laura Jean Bierut and published in the Scientific American. I think then notion that alcohlism is in our genes is just another excuse but I must research all parts of this thing I am at war with so I am fully equipped to deal with it.
I am getting excited now because Hunter and my son will be back soon and I can't wait to see them. That is funny as I remember when I was active and I could not wait to be alone so I could just drink. Believe me it is not like that now .
I hope she is not angry with my blog it is after all my true feelings.
That's it for tonight, may your Gods go with you!
Mark .
I was just thinking ,not good for AAs to think! But my son is very smart. Whenever I rage and I really hate it he just tells me its my dark side. I do believe that when we drink we change totally like Jekyll and Hyde .
Alcoholism is a rampant illness. I have started to hear people call this an illness. I am reading about my genes and trying to find out what has caused me to be in so much anguish. I don't know if it is in the genes but I will be posting an article about Alcoholism and our genes written by John Nurnberger Jr. and Laura Jean Bierut and published in the Scientific American. I think then notion that alcohlism is in our genes is just another excuse but I must research all parts of this thing I am at war with so I am fully equipped to deal with it.
I am getting excited now because Hunter and my son will be back soon and I can't wait to see them. That is funny as I remember when I was active and I could not wait to be alone so I could just drink. Believe me it is not like that now .
I hope she is not angry with my blog it is after all my true feelings.
That's it for tonight, may your Gods go with you!
Mark .
keep bloging-wheres my phone list
I have left my phone list in the car so I am having problems calling some AAs. Blogging will help. I really did not plan for my life to end up like this and it is not going to! I want to be remembered one day for being a good guy and not as I have bragged about in the past as someone who lived by the sword ad died by the sword. I want to live honestly fairly and to be liked -loved for who I am and not by bravado.
I often think that God has and will use me for a reason,what? I do not know. I do know that after the lunch time meeting a lot of my recovering friends still struggling talked with me and mentioned that if I can do this so can they. I was written off by many people in and out of the program and was told I would not make it. TODAY I HAVE MADE IT AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO ONE DAY AT A TIME....THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.
Most of us AAs are very smart it amazes me why we did what we did. I think it's a lot more than just the obsession and genetic part that makes us the way we are andI guess the person who can figure that out does not exist. Why knowingly would you basically try and kill yourself? It truly is insanity.
I think one of the great things about AA is that you constantly get reminded about the first drink. My wife drinks very little. She used to drink with me a little too much. But she was able to stop and is able to control her drinking. When we go out she has 1-2 glasses of wine. I just don't get that. Why bother?
I have an obligation to take care of my wife and son, but I am no use to man or beast if I drink. I will continue to put recovery first because I know it will work and we will all be fine as long as I protect my sobriety with all my energy. All is possible ,they deserve it and so do I.
Thanks Mark
Alcoholic
I often think that God has and will use me for a reason,what? I do not know. I do know that after the lunch time meeting a lot of my recovering friends still struggling talked with me and mentioned that if I can do this so can they. I was written off by many people in and out of the program and was told I would not make it. TODAY I HAVE MADE IT AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO ONE DAY AT A TIME....THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.
Most of us AAs are very smart it amazes me why we did what we did. I think it's a lot more than just the obsession and genetic part that makes us the way we are andI guess the person who can figure that out does not exist. Why knowingly would you basically try and kill yourself? It truly is insanity.
I think one of the great things about AA is that you constantly get reminded about the first drink. My wife drinks very little. She used to drink with me a little too much. But she was able to stop and is able to control her drinking. When we go out she has 1-2 glasses of wine. I just don't get that. Why bother?
I have an obligation to take care of my wife and son, but I am no use to man or beast if I drink. I will continue to put recovery first because I know it will work and we will all be fine as long as I protect my sobriety with all my energy. All is possible ,they deserve it and so do I.
Thanks Mark
Alcoholic
alone again
Mark alcoholic
I cannot believe I just lost 1 hour of blogging! My disease wins tonight. I am not drinking nor am I going to but my disease is 10% drinking and 90% thinking. I started the day well a great meeting, good feedback ,I came home and Hunter was down I don't blame her she did not want to go to her office and I always think its my fault and its not there is nothing about that I control other than getting back on track and taking care of my family .
I had choices tonight... great choices! I could have gone to play tennis. I could have gone to Spiderman 3 with my son, wife, and 3 of his friends, or I could have gone to a 5:30 meeting. What did I do? I stayed home alone. The disease won!
I am so pissed of about losing that other blog but I will try to finish this one.
I have to stay sober no matter what!!!!! I want my old life back. The money, the business, and all the stuff. But it will take time. I want to take care of my loved ones more than you can believe. Hunter does not believe me, most of the time I know she cares for me and she is a wonderful person. She deserves better. She is all I have- her and my son and I fear I will lose them, no, I know for sure I will lose them if I drink !
I called my sponsor and some other AA's tonight and was reminded that I have been a cronic alcoholic progressing for 25 years. The more I talk the better I feel I just hate myself. The internal rage is eating me up and I want it to stop. I know the only way is to stay close to my program or I am done for!
I watched David Hasseldof on tv beeing videod by hiS daughter drunk. I have been in the same state he was in in the video and I never want that again. But we are all close if we do forget what we were like. Recovery is hard work and non alcoholics cannot ever fully understand recovery. My wife does an incredible job with me and I do really want all of my life back .
Being reminded by Hunter daily really hurts. I go to my meetings every day to be reminded and it is very painful. I don't blame her one bit. It's just tough to handle every day.
I wish she had taken her cell phone so I could be with them all for pizza and see how happy my son is with his friends. I wont be so stupid next time.
The underling message for this post is that my disease wants me alone and vulnerable. I don't mind being alone most of the time. It is just today for some reason I can't explain it but by writing it down it feels a whole lot better.
Today I have a gift and I must do my gratitude list and be satisfied today for what I have and not for what I have not. I have the chance to live a new life free of alcohol with great wife and son and a great golden retriever named Duke. I have not mentioned Duke before. He is very much a part of our family in recovery. So I guess I was not honest about being alone... a white lie but as my wife would remind me still a lie. Duke is home with me so I am not alone and it is time to let him out.
Thanks for letting me share.
Mark alcoholic.
I cannot believe I just lost 1 hour of blogging! My disease wins tonight. I am not drinking nor am I going to but my disease is 10% drinking and 90% thinking. I started the day well a great meeting, good feedback ,I came home and Hunter was down I don't blame her she did not want to go to her office and I always think its my fault and its not there is nothing about that I control other than getting back on track and taking care of my family .
I had choices tonight... great choices! I could have gone to play tennis. I could have gone to Spiderman 3 with my son, wife, and 3 of his friends, or I could have gone to a 5:30 meeting. What did I do? I stayed home alone. The disease won!
I am so pissed of about losing that other blog but I will try to finish this one.
I have to stay sober no matter what!!!!! I want my old life back. The money, the business, and all the stuff. But it will take time. I want to take care of my loved ones more than you can believe. Hunter does not believe me, most of the time I know she cares for me and she is a wonderful person. She deserves better. She is all I have- her and my son and I fear I will lose them, no, I know for sure I will lose them if I drink !
I called my sponsor and some other AA's tonight and was reminded that I have been a cronic alcoholic progressing for 25 years. The more I talk the better I feel I just hate myself. The internal rage is eating me up and I want it to stop. I know the only way is to stay close to my program or I am done for!
I watched David Hasseldof on tv beeing videod by hiS daughter drunk. I have been in the same state he was in in the video and I never want that again. But we are all close if we do forget what we were like. Recovery is hard work and non alcoholics cannot ever fully understand recovery. My wife does an incredible job with me and I do really want all of my life back .
Being reminded by Hunter daily really hurts. I go to my meetings every day to be reminded and it is very painful. I don't blame her one bit. It's just tough to handle every day.
I wish she had taken her cell phone so I could be with them all for pizza and see how happy my son is with his friends. I wont be so stupid next time.
The underling message for this post is that my disease wants me alone and vulnerable. I don't mind being alone most of the time. It is just today for some reason I can't explain it but by writing it down it feels a whole lot better.
Today I have a gift and I must do my gratitude list and be satisfied today for what I have and not for what I have not. I have the chance to live a new life free of alcohol with great wife and son and a great golden retriever named Duke. I have not mentioned Duke before. He is very much a part of our family in recovery. So I guess I was not honest about being alone... a white lie but as my wife would remind me still a lie. Duke is home with me so I am not alone and it is time to let him out.
Thanks for letting me share.
Mark alcoholic.
DEALING WITH WHAT IS AND NOT FALLING APART
Good Morning from Hunter.
Today's thought for the day from Hazelden speaks to me in a very special way. RECOVERY is about making life manageable and putting our best selves into everything we do. Accepting that sometimes things don't work out as we would like but that as long as we continue to do the next right thing and have faith that all will turn out fine. It is not always easy to accept this concept, but truthfully, it is the only concept that works...Feeling sorry for ourselves, being resentful, and expecting others to "rescue" us, believing we are fine when we are not, denial, and not knowing how to reach out to others and communicate sets up up for failure, depression and despair.
I spent most of my life being the "baby"...I was the youngest of 4 by 12-16 years and everyone took care of me. I did not learn the tools I needed in order to be self reliant or socially competent-I never had to as there was always someone there to pick up the pieces. And then I lost my entire emotional and financial security-which I have talked about in earlier posts-my mom's Alzheimer's and my husband's disease. I feel like I fell apart. And truthfully I did.
Putting myself back together has been a hard struggle but I am stronger and a better person today than I have ever been. It is hard to do things that I don't want to, like go to low paying job and not be appreciated for my experience and talents and to be passed over for promotions; BUT I have learned humility and I keep my head down and do what I have to and know that something better will come.
Also I have learned to listen to my inner voice. That voice tells me that sometimes I need a "mental health day". Today is one of those days. I am really uncomfortable in my current work situation and do not want to be there today. I am not a salaried employee and my not coming to work does not cost the company any money. I do need the money and the job and am grateful to have something but today I need to take care of myself. As the Hazelden thought states today "The person who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds greatest happiness when using it". My talents are overlooked at my current place of work and I am miserable... I am frustated that I do not have the opportunity to contribute the talents I have been given. I am down on myself and feel that I am unlikeable. I need today to recharge, build the strength to know that this situation is only temporary and that I am OK just as I am and to figure out how to put my talents to work that in a way that will fulfill my soul and my pocketbook.
Like I said in a previous post-recovering as a family is exhausting and the financial stress we are under is killing me. I need some alone time and that is what I will get today. Mark was upset that I told him I was not going to go to work and I felt as though he was pushing me to do something I knew was wrong for me for today. I told him to go to a noon meeting and he was hurt that I wanted to be alone. Truthfully he needed the meeting and I needed the time alone. Alcoholics always think it is always all about them. We are learning to communicate and thankfully he did go to his meeting and I am home alone decompressing.
Part of my topic for today of Dealing with what is and not falling apart is allowing ourselves quiet time to decompress, focus, grieve for whatever we don't have or have lost, and use this time to recharge so that we can move forward. SO that is what my today is all about...AND I pray that at the end of the day I am recharged and moving forward.
What was shattered inside me has been repaired with a strong solid foundation, and parts of me that never "worked" properly have also been repaired and are getting stronger each day of my recovery.
Today I am living in recovery and I can see the difference....today I pray for those who can not.
Below is Today's Gift from Hazelden....It truly says it all:
"Depression and Despair What am I doing with what I've got? Instead of despairing over my lack of abilities in certain areas, am I doing the best with the talents I've been given?All of us have unique gifts and abilities. Some of us work well with our hands; others are gifted at working with abstract ideas. Whatever our abilities, we would do well to concentrate on bringing those we can do to fruition rather than focus on our limitations.Greek philosopher Epictetus put it this way: "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." German poet and dramatist Goethe said, "The man who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds his greatest happiness in using it." TODAY, let me not concentrate on my handicaps as much as on my abilities. I know I have been given all I need to make my life a success.Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best.--Harry Emerson Fosdick "
Today's thought for the day from Hazelden speaks to me in a very special way. RECOVERY is about making life manageable and putting our best selves into everything we do. Accepting that sometimes things don't work out as we would like but that as long as we continue to do the next right thing and have faith that all will turn out fine. It is not always easy to accept this concept, but truthfully, it is the only concept that works...Feeling sorry for ourselves, being resentful, and expecting others to "rescue" us, believing we are fine when we are not, denial, and not knowing how to reach out to others and communicate sets up up for failure, depression and despair.
I spent most of my life being the "baby"...I was the youngest of 4 by 12-16 years and everyone took care of me. I did not learn the tools I needed in order to be self reliant or socially competent-I never had to as there was always someone there to pick up the pieces. And then I lost my entire emotional and financial security-which I have talked about in earlier posts-my mom's Alzheimer's and my husband's disease. I feel like I fell apart. And truthfully I did.
Putting myself back together has been a hard struggle but I am stronger and a better person today than I have ever been. It is hard to do things that I don't want to, like go to low paying job and not be appreciated for my experience and talents and to be passed over for promotions; BUT I have learned humility and I keep my head down and do what I have to and know that something better will come.
Also I have learned to listen to my inner voice. That voice tells me that sometimes I need a "mental health day". Today is one of those days. I am really uncomfortable in my current work situation and do not want to be there today. I am not a salaried employee and my not coming to work does not cost the company any money. I do need the money and the job and am grateful to have something but today I need to take care of myself. As the Hazelden thought states today "The person who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds greatest happiness when using it". My talents are overlooked at my current place of work and I am miserable... I am frustated that I do not have the opportunity to contribute the talents I have been given. I am down on myself and feel that I am unlikeable. I need today to recharge, build the strength to know that this situation is only temporary and that I am OK just as I am and to figure out how to put my talents to work that in a way that will fulfill my soul and my pocketbook.
Like I said in a previous post-recovering as a family is exhausting and the financial stress we are under is killing me. I need some alone time and that is what I will get today. Mark was upset that I told him I was not going to go to work and I felt as though he was pushing me to do something I knew was wrong for me for today. I told him to go to a noon meeting and he was hurt that I wanted to be alone. Truthfully he needed the meeting and I needed the time alone. Alcoholics always think it is always all about them. We are learning to communicate and thankfully he did go to his meeting and I am home alone decompressing.
Part of my topic for today of Dealing with what is and not falling apart is allowing ourselves quiet time to decompress, focus, grieve for whatever we don't have or have lost, and use this time to recharge so that we can move forward. SO that is what my today is all about...AND I pray that at the end of the day I am recharged and moving forward.
What was shattered inside me has been repaired with a strong solid foundation, and parts of me that never "worked" properly have also been repaired and are getting stronger each day of my recovery.
Today I am living in recovery and I can see the difference....today I pray for those who can not.
Below is Today's Gift from Hazelden....It truly says it all:
"Depression and Despair What am I doing with what I've got? Instead of despairing over my lack of abilities in certain areas, am I doing the best with the talents I've been given?All of us have unique gifts and abilities. Some of us work well with our hands; others are gifted at working with abstract ideas. Whatever our abilities, we would do well to concentrate on bringing those we can do to fruition rather than focus on our limitations.Greek philosopher Epictetus put it this way: "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." German poet and dramatist Goethe said, "The man who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds his greatest happiness in using it." TODAY, let me not concentrate on my handicaps as much as on my abilities. I know I have been given all I need to make my life a success.Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best.--Harry Emerson Fosdick "
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Recovering as a Family is Challenging
Hello from Hunter.
This is a short blog as I am tired. What is happening to me in this process of recovery is exhausting. I have prayed for Mark to get sober for so long and am so very grateful for his commitment to his recovery, our marriage, and our child.
IN order for him to recover he has to eat, sleep, live and breath AA 24/7. I am very supportive of this and would not have it any other way , but sometimes it wears me out. It is wonderful for us to banter and talk with each other, and tonight we sat down to the dinner table as a family and it was really nice...I can't remember doing this very much in the past. It is great to see Mark sitting outside on our stoop reading an AA book and relaxing instead of falling down drunk..It has been such a nightmare these past few years.
Like so many in this situation I was desperate to keep my family together...I am grateful that it has turned out this way..Each day Mark stays sober and does not drink his mind gets clearer and our life together gets better. AND I am focusing more and more on me and those around me.
I have been on a big kick to get our son into shape as he has terrible eating habits and is overweight. I have done this by paying attention to my weight problem and working on it together. I cook delicious meals and desserts that taste fattening but are not and am helping him to be aware of when he overeats, how to make up for this, and what healthy choices are...I am doing the same for me and starting to think about herbal supplements and more vitamins....One day at a time. We are losing weight very slowly but I know it will pay off. AND it is the first time in a long time that I actually see myself as a thin person once again.
It is hard to deal with Mark's mood swings and to be accepting of the fact that that all of his behavior will not change overnight...I manage this by being grateful for his not drinking and focusing on myself as much as I can.
This of course would be much easier if we had an income that could pay our basic bills and work toward restoring our credit....One day at a time is great wisdom, as is gratitude, but it is time for our finances to take a turn for the better and time for Mark to contribute.....I am and have been doing all I can, it is time for Mark to do the same...
It is hard for me to accept that this might be a trigger to drink as it was in the past. BUT today I really do trust Mark's recovery and believe that he will not drink no matter what. It is wonderful to hear him observe others and start to admit that he was as sick, if not sicker than them.
We are all slowly becoming happy joyous and free and it is amazing to see our son smiling an laughing most of the time like real kids do on a regular basis-a luxury he did not have last year when things were at their worst, or most of his life for that matter.
I am rambling all over the place on this post...I guess what I want to say is that I am focusing on me, grateful for the change in our lives and the love we have together, and am happy to be moving forward...glad to see Mark confronting and dealing with his past rather then burying it and drinking and happy to finally be free to focus more on me and my needs and at the same time have a partner in life who loves me and is committed to our family. We really do have a lot to learn, for the first time, and a lot to discover about ourselves and each other....and thanks to recovery we will have the chance.
When Mark was active my mother would often ask me if I loved him..I was unable to answer at the time as I was not sure I did love him as an active alcoholic but always knew he was very special and a kindred spirit for me...He is almost 6 months sober today and I am finally getting to see that man and falling back in love more and more each day. I am still hurt and disappointed and frustrated by old alcoholic behaviors but so very grateful to observe him working on learning new non-alcoholic responsible behaviors. Each new change brought about by sobriety and working the AA program brings so much joy to me, to him, and to our family.
The peace and serenity and calmness that we are starting to experience... The enjoyment of just being together and doing simple things. The normal things that most people take for granted are starting to happen..It is wonderful and there is hope. We are lucky and in love....one day at time.
Hopefully my next post will make a bit more sense and not ramble so.
..Hunter
This is a short blog as I am tired. What is happening to me in this process of recovery is exhausting. I have prayed for Mark to get sober for so long and am so very grateful for his commitment to his recovery, our marriage, and our child.
IN order for him to recover he has to eat, sleep, live and breath AA 24/7. I am very supportive of this and would not have it any other way , but sometimes it wears me out. It is wonderful for us to banter and talk with each other, and tonight we sat down to the dinner table as a family and it was really nice...I can't remember doing this very much in the past. It is great to see Mark sitting outside on our stoop reading an AA book and relaxing instead of falling down drunk..It has been such a nightmare these past few years.
Like so many in this situation I was desperate to keep my family together...I am grateful that it has turned out this way..Each day Mark stays sober and does not drink his mind gets clearer and our life together gets better. AND I am focusing more and more on me and those around me.
I have been on a big kick to get our son into shape as he has terrible eating habits and is overweight. I have done this by paying attention to my weight problem and working on it together. I cook delicious meals and desserts that taste fattening but are not and am helping him to be aware of when he overeats, how to make up for this, and what healthy choices are...I am doing the same for me and starting to think about herbal supplements and more vitamins....One day at a time. We are losing weight very slowly but I know it will pay off. AND it is the first time in a long time that I actually see myself as a thin person once again.
It is hard to deal with Mark's mood swings and to be accepting of the fact that that all of his behavior will not change overnight...I manage this by being grateful for his not drinking and focusing on myself as much as I can.
This of course would be much easier if we had an income that could pay our basic bills and work toward restoring our credit....One day at a time is great wisdom, as is gratitude, but it is time for our finances to take a turn for the better and time for Mark to contribute.....I am and have been doing all I can, it is time for Mark to do the same...
It is hard for me to accept that this might be a trigger to drink as it was in the past. BUT today I really do trust Mark's recovery and believe that he will not drink no matter what. It is wonderful to hear him observe others and start to admit that he was as sick, if not sicker than them.
We are all slowly becoming happy joyous and free and it is amazing to see our son smiling an laughing most of the time like real kids do on a regular basis-a luxury he did not have last year when things were at their worst, or most of his life for that matter.
I am rambling all over the place on this post...I guess what I want to say is that I am focusing on me, grateful for the change in our lives and the love we have together, and am happy to be moving forward...glad to see Mark confronting and dealing with his past rather then burying it and drinking and happy to finally be free to focus more on me and my needs and at the same time have a partner in life who loves me and is committed to our family. We really do have a lot to learn, for the first time, and a lot to discover about ourselves and each other....and thanks to recovery we will have the chance.
When Mark was active my mother would often ask me if I loved him..I was unable to answer at the time as I was not sure I did love him as an active alcoholic but always knew he was very special and a kindred spirit for me...He is almost 6 months sober today and I am finally getting to see that man and falling back in love more and more each day. I am still hurt and disappointed and frustrated by old alcoholic behaviors but so very grateful to observe him working on learning new non-alcoholic responsible behaviors. Each new change brought about by sobriety and working the AA program brings so much joy to me, to him, and to our family.
The peace and serenity and calmness that we are starting to experience... The enjoyment of just being together and doing simple things. The normal things that most people take for granted are starting to happen..It is wonderful and there is hope. We are lucky and in love....one day at time.
Hopefully my next post will make a bit more sense and not ramble so.
..Hunter
never forget
Mark Alcoholic,
I said I would keep blogging so here goes . I am amazed at built in forgetters. I was in hell when I drank-sweats, pain, alone, sad, all the worst in the world was upon me yet time and time again I drank. this alcoholism is very powerful .
I was talking to a friend after a meeting tonight he has 5 days back and has been in AA for 4 years. This guy is not a fool he just has a disease that is cunning baffling and deadly. It kils me to see the pain he is in.
I often wondered why the old timers would tell me why they keep going to meetings for so many years. Now I know we are and always will be alcoholic. Most of us do things to the extreme. We are an intelligent bunch when sober yet when drinking we decline into an unknown uncontrollable world.
No more for me. I can't sit here and say I wont drink again. I can say I did not drink today and I will pray for tomorrow to be the same as for me to drink is certain ruin.
My meetings are full of interesting people with great big egos and all types of backgrounds. I kind of like watching the little clicks in the rooms. Most of are like little school boys or girls and have our own groups. Frankly I try to stay away from this. We all have one thing in common that levels the field - alcohol !
I will be running the open discussion meeting tomorrow and am getting tired so will update more tomorrow. If you did not drink today well done if you did you have tomorrow for a new beginning ,remember tomorrow May11Th is the first day we have all be sober together in 2007 one day at a time.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE STAY IN TOUCH . MARKY MARK- MY NICK NAME .
I said I would keep blogging so here goes . I am amazed at built in forgetters. I was in hell when I drank-sweats, pain, alone, sad, all the worst in the world was upon me yet time and time again I drank. this alcoholism is very powerful .
I was talking to a friend after a meeting tonight he has 5 days back and has been in AA for 4 years. This guy is not a fool he just has a disease that is cunning baffling and deadly. It kils me to see the pain he is in.
I often wondered why the old timers would tell me why they keep going to meetings for so many years. Now I know we are and always will be alcoholic. Most of us do things to the extreme. We are an intelligent bunch when sober yet when drinking we decline into an unknown uncontrollable world.
No more for me. I can't sit here and say I wont drink again. I can say I did not drink today and I will pray for tomorrow to be the same as for me to drink is certain ruin.
My meetings are full of interesting people with great big egos and all types of backgrounds. I kind of like watching the little clicks in the rooms. Most of are like little school boys or girls and have our own groups. Frankly I try to stay away from this. We all have one thing in common that levels the field - alcohol !
I will be running the open discussion meeting tomorrow and am getting tired so will update more tomorrow. If you did not drink today well done if you did you have tomorrow for a new beginning ,remember tomorrow May11Th is the first day we have all be sober together in 2007 one day at a time.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE STAY IN TOUCH . MARKY MARK- MY NICK NAME .
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
you cant change the past -but it still hurts
Mark Alcoholic,
Thank you ,whoever you are for responding to my writing it helps me greatly to know I am not alone in recovery and neither are you no matter what our situation .
I am one angry bastard today. My disease is playing havoc on me. Its not that I want to drink but I really am starting to remember. I am at war with this thing alcohol. It has cost me one marriage two daughters and millions of dollars and some part of my health. I have lost friends and family. That's where the great good old days of drinking ended up taking me.
I don't want to get on the pity pot and some part of me is telling me it is good to feel the way I do and get it out. I must remember to do my gratitude list. I have not lost everything and I have a chance. Others have not been so lucky! This stuff kills and I am alive to tell a story. I will with all my new found friends live a sober alcohol free life. No matter what else life has to offer me I will stay sober!
Hunter and I went to dinner tonight and I do put her through some tough stuff. Recovery is not easy. It's a new relationship. I know if I put my recovery first all is possible. I know she wants a good life and the family to be strong and for me to live responsibly and take care of us. I also want this and if I stay on track it will happen.
A friend of my shared this morning at the early bird meeting. He has 18 years and he shared that if we told some of our stories as open and honestly to people not in the rooms the way we share they just would not believe us. I respect these guys. This guy was facing 20 year jail time years ago and is now one of the most successful builders in my town - all made possible by working the program with as he calls us his family of AA .
A mate of mine told me that he can tell me things having known me for 4 months things he can't tell his own father of 45 years . I cant explain this AA gift well to my own father as when I call him in Spain he often is toasting my recovery and telling me how well I am doing while drinking a glass of champagne with my mother. She is an alcoholic in denial and he has been hospitalized in the past for pancreatitis! I really don't want to know.
My past is part of my character and I am some character (EGO MUCH ???) Since I am English I am noticed when I share. Another AA told me yesterday he always likes my shares they make him laugh. I helped keep him sober yesterday. We talked about choosing a sponsor. I have a few sponsors, not drinks, and I said this time I have gone with some one bigger than me to keep in line. I am 6-4 and he is bigger. He also has 17 years and is a great guy. I think its a good idea for me to work well with a sponsor I respect and I see how different parts of recovery have needed different types of help.
Its really cool to have a sponsor and by the way I am also very proud to be a member of AA. I protect others anonymity always and mine when necessary but I also sing the praises. I know this is a touchy subject but if I had cancer and went into remission and was asked where I got better I would tell everyone about the hospital the doctor etc. If you would have seen me 5 months ago and now you would ask me what medication I was on and what doctor I work to overcome alcoholism. My answer to you would be simple the AA tablet and doctor Bob and his mates .
I have bounced around with this tonight I am not in a good place but by blogging I feel a little better please if you read this pray for my anger to be lifted I only mean well and my journey will be bumpy but with all the support in the world we can all get and stay sober together ,and I promise to blog daily.Keep reading please and sending me your comments they keep me going.
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark alcoholic.
Thank you ,whoever you are for responding to my writing it helps me greatly to know I am not alone in recovery and neither are you no matter what our situation .
I am one angry bastard today. My disease is playing havoc on me. Its not that I want to drink but I really am starting to remember. I am at war with this thing alcohol. It has cost me one marriage two daughters and millions of dollars and some part of my health. I have lost friends and family. That's where the great good old days of drinking ended up taking me.
I don't want to get on the pity pot and some part of me is telling me it is good to feel the way I do and get it out. I must remember to do my gratitude list. I have not lost everything and I have a chance. Others have not been so lucky! This stuff kills and I am alive to tell a story. I will with all my new found friends live a sober alcohol free life. No matter what else life has to offer me I will stay sober!
Hunter and I went to dinner tonight and I do put her through some tough stuff. Recovery is not easy. It's a new relationship. I know if I put my recovery first all is possible. I know she wants a good life and the family to be strong and for me to live responsibly and take care of us. I also want this and if I stay on track it will happen.
A friend of my shared this morning at the early bird meeting. He has 18 years and he shared that if we told some of our stories as open and honestly to people not in the rooms the way we share they just would not believe us. I respect these guys. This guy was facing 20 year jail time years ago and is now one of the most successful builders in my town - all made possible by working the program with as he calls us his family of AA .
A mate of mine told me that he can tell me things having known me for 4 months things he can't tell his own father of 45 years . I cant explain this AA gift well to my own father as when I call him in Spain he often is toasting my recovery and telling me how well I am doing while drinking a glass of champagne with my mother. She is an alcoholic in denial and he has been hospitalized in the past for pancreatitis! I really don't want to know.
My past is part of my character and I am some character (EGO MUCH ???) Since I am English I am noticed when I share. Another AA told me yesterday he always likes my shares they make him laugh. I helped keep him sober yesterday. We talked about choosing a sponsor. I have a few sponsors, not drinks, and I said this time I have gone with some one bigger than me to keep in line. I am 6-4 and he is bigger. He also has 17 years and is a great guy. I think its a good idea for me to work well with a sponsor I respect and I see how different parts of recovery have needed different types of help.
Its really cool to have a sponsor and by the way I am also very proud to be a member of AA. I protect others anonymity always and mine when necessary but I also sing the praises. I know this is a touchy subject but if I had cancer and went into remission and was asked where I got better I would tell everyone about the hospital the doctor etc. If you would have seen me 5 months ago and now you would ask me what medication I was on and what doctor I work to overcome alcoholism. My answer to you would be simple the AA tablet and doctor Bob and his mates .
I have bounced around with this tonight I am not in a good place but by blogging I feel a little better please if you read this pray for my anger to be lifted I only mean well and my journey will be bumpy but with all the support in the world we can all get and stay sober together ,and I promise to blog daily.Keep reading please and sending me your comments they keep me going.
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark alcoholic.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
living in the moment
Mark alcoholic,
Good day. Today got a little grumpy but tried to work through it. The meeting was OK this morning some funny stuff ,I always remind myself when I start a meeting why I am there and that is to stay away from alcohol for 24 hours that is the prime reason I show up.
One share I liked was that us alcoholics love to get appreciation from those around us for fixing the chaos we created. Seems a little strange. Anyway I am hoping to minimize the chaos I create if not eliminate it by working my program . Another share was funny. One guy divorced said he found living with pictures of his family was a lot easier than living with them, including his ex wife !
So the journey continues.....I try to stay upbeat everyday and believe that my higher power has a plan for me and for my life. I expect no miracles but if I work the program I do believe the promises will come true .
I am having a lot of past memories come up and believe me it hurts! This disease has cost me so much but I must remain grateful as I do still have my life !
My wife just called very distressed my son is acting out in a store. We really need to start to restrict his TV and work on his diet. I must start to lead by example and come up with a solid plan. I have put him through so much but there do have to be some rules. We cannot blame my disease for all the problems but I must remain calm and try to be understanding ,not easy.
I have had little contact with my daughters and there is some issue but I don't know what to do other than to pray and again be patient. I do believe all is possible if I don't drink,but it is also about stepping into action and I need to be more pro active as opposed to re active!
I am starting to become very dedicated to recovery and who ever reads my blog I hope you will find the ultimate gift. I fought my alcoholism for so long with denial as a huge part of my problem. For today I have that gift and the greatest gift of all is to help another alcoholic .
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark alcoholic.
Good day. Today got a little grumpy but tried to work through it. The meeting was OK this morning some funny stuff ,I always remind myself when I start a meeting why I am there and that is to stay away from alcohol for 24 hours that is the prime reason I show up.
One share I liked was that us alcoholics love to get appreciation from those around us for fixing the chaos we created. Seems a little strange. Anyway I am hoping to minimize the chaos I create if not eliminate it by working my program . Another share was funny. One guy divorced said he found living with pictures of his family was a lot easier than living with them, including his ex wife !
So the journey continues.....I try to stay upbeat everyday and believe that my higher power has a plan for me and for my life. I expect no miracles but if I work the program I do believe the promises will come true .
I am having a lot of past memories come up and believe me it hurts! This disease has cost me so much but I must remain grateful as I do still have my life !
My wife just called very distressed my son is acting out in a store. We really need to start to restrict his TV and work on his diet. I must start to lead by example and come up with a solid plan. I have put him through so much but there do have to be some rules. We cannot blame my disease for all the problems but I must remain calm and try to be understanding ,not easy.
I have had little contact with my daughters and there is some issue but I don't know what to do other than to pray and again be patient. I do believe all is possible if I don't drink,but it is also about stepping into action and I need to be more pro active as opposed to re active!
I am starting to become very dedicated to recovery and who ever reads my blog I hope you will find the ultimate gift. I fought my alcoholism for so long with denial as a huge part of my problem. For today I have that gift and the greatest gift of all is to help another alcoholic .
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark alcoholic.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE IS CRITICISM
Happy Sunday from Hunter-
This is a quick but important post for me. Recently my eldest sister, who is not really close to me and not a part of my day to day life, has communicated with me on an a fairly frequent basis. She is a therapist and in 12 step recovery for close to 20 years. She has never worked the steps of the recovery program and is very headstrong. She recently had a severe breakdown and tends to fall apart if things don't go her way. In her recent calls she proceeded to take my inventory by asking me if I was still going to Alanon meetings and I responded that I still go but not that frequently...That ended up in a long lecture from her about how I need to go to meetings...The next time we spoke she asked me if I was still in therapy...I have spent a lot of years in and out of therapy and believe that I have gotten what I need from my therapy and at this point, today, it is not a good use of my time...This is me listening to my inner voice.. Again she lectured me about my need for therapy stating that I have so much on my plate that there is no way i could handle this without therapy.....I resented her taking my inventory. I started to explain to her that today I do not feel I need therapy and that I truly believe that at some point we have to cut the umbilical chord from therapists and learn to stand our our own two feet and that today I am comfortable enough in my own skin to handle things... She vehemently disagreed with me. Inside I was raging mad..HOW DARE SHE? However, to her I said thank you for your concern and I understand. You see my recovery has taught me that feelings are not facts and that she is entitled to her opinion. I do not have to listen to her opinion but i also don't need to make her feel bad or invalidate her opinion. I also know that if I told he how I felt, she would listen and she would understand..BUt there really is no need to do this and it is much easier to let it go.
You see, people need to feel that they are right. The truth is that being right is irrelevant...Doing the next right thing for ourselves is all that matters. If we need others advice we can ask for it..BUT if we do not ask, it should not be given! When advice is given without asking, it is criticism..Most people I know don't like criticism and do not respond well to it. My sister is no different from me in that I used to behave in this way.
I had a recent experience that showed me how much recovery I have. A friend of mine asked to get together to network about job opportunities..She is a very successful businesswoman who knew me when I was at the height of my career. Today I am a failed successful businesswoman..My expereience with her showed me that I am not a failure at all and that good things are going to come my way. When she asked my thoughts I shared with her what I would do and I asked her if she would like my observations about what she could do better..She wanted my opinion. I shared my opinion by gently asking her questions and letting her discover what she needed to be doing better, rather than by telling her...She remarked that I am one of the smartest businesswoman she has ever met and could not understand why I was having so much trouble finding work....I pray her remarks get heard by the universe and that my luck changes...Never the less it felt great to be able to help her using my new found tools of living.
Finally, one more thought to share..I am so proud of Mark and how he is working his recovery. He is really learning to communicate and share his feelings openly and honestly and to focus on himself...It is wonderful to see and wonderful for our marriage. I am so happy that he is working his program of recovery and that he has found a new sponsor with 20 years of sobriety who is happily married...It is not my business who he chooses as a sponsor but I do believe choosing people whom we would like to mirror is important to helping us with recovery...Mirroring someone with a happy marriage is so very important for our future. While there is a lot of stuff to deal with in my life today, staying married and knowing my partner is truly committed to his recovery and to loving me and our son is a gift that his priceless....
Until tomorrow............
This is a quick but important post for me. Recently my eldest sister, who is not really close to me and not a part of my day to day life, has communicated with me on an a fairly frequent basis. She is a therapist and in 12 step recovery for close to 20 years. She has never worked the steps of the recovery program and is very headstrong. She recently had a severe breakdown and tends to fall apart if things don't go her way. In her recent calls she proceeded to take my inventory by asking me if I was still going to Alanon meetings and I responded that I still go but not that frequently...That ended up in a long lecture from her about how I need to go to meetings...The next time we spoke she asked me if I was still in therapy...I have spent a lot of years in and out of therapy and believe that I have gotten what I need from my therapy and at this point, today, it is not a good use of my time...This is me listening to my inner voice.. Again she lectured me about my need for therapy stating that I have so much on my plate that there is no way i could handle this without therapy.....I resented her taking my inventory. I started to explain to her that today I do not feel I need therapy and that I truly believe that at some point we have to cut the umbilical chord from therapists and learn to stand our our own two feet and that today I am comfortable enough in my own skin to handle things... She vehemently disagreed with me. Inside I was raging mad..HOW DARE SHE? However, to her I said thank you for your concern and I understand. You see my recovery has taught me that feelings are not facts and that she is entitled to her opinion. I do not have to listen to her opinion but i also don't need to make her feel bad or invalidate her opinion. I also know that if I told he how I felt, she would listen and she would understand..BUt there really is no need to do this and it is much easier to let it go.
You see, people need to feel that they are right. The truth is that being right is irrelevant...Doing the next right thing for ourselves is all that matters. If we need others advice we can ask for it..BUT if we do not ask, it should not be given! When advice is given without asking, it is criticism..Most people I know don't like criticism and do not respond well to it. My sister is no different from me in that I used to behave in this way.
I had a recent experience that showed me how much recovery I have. A friend of mine asked to get together to network about job opportunities..She is a very successful businesswoman who knew me when I was at the height of my career. Today I am a failed successful businesswoman..My expereience with her showed me that I am not a failure at all and that good things are going to come my way. When she asked my thoughts I shared with her what I would do and I asked her if she would like my observations about what she could do better..She wanted my opinion. I shared my opinion by gently asking her questions and letting her discover what she needed to be doing better, rather than by telling her...She remarked that I am one of the smartest businesswoman she has ever met and could not understand why I was having so much trouble finding work....I pray her remarks get heard by the universe and that my luck changes...Never the less it felt great to be able to help her using my new found tools of living.
Finally, one more thought to share..I am so proud of Mark and how he is working his recovery. He is really learning to communicate and share his feelings openly and honestly and to focus on himself...It is wonderful to see and wonderful for our marriage. I am so happy that he is working his program of recovery and that he has found a new sponsor with 20 years of sobriety who is happily married...It is not my business who he chooses as a sponsor but I do believe choosing people whom we would like to mirror is important to helping us with recovery...Mirroring someone with a happy marriage is so very important for our future. While there is a lot of stuff to deal with in my life today, staying married and knowing my partner is truly committed to his recovery and to loving me and our son is a gift that his priceless....
Until tomorrow............
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