Courage

From Hunter

On Friday's Mark runs and AA meeting in our town. I always ask him what his topic is and today he said it was going to be on today's Hazelden Thought for the Day. I read Today's thought (below) and it struck me how much courage I have needed to get through my live over the past few years.

I have used a lot of my courage to deal with an active alcoholic and most recently in the challenges I have been facing in the workplace. I have had an interested revelation over past few days-I give my power away and do not stand up for myself. In the past I was very angry so flailing about and being mad is how I handled things. Of course this is rarely effective. I then sucked up whatever people said and took it as truth. This too was rarely effective. Today I listen first and then ask myself what is right for me...what is my truth based on principles of honest and responsible living. When my truth does not match that of others I do my best to find the courage to stand up for myself.

A message I get in a lot in the workplaces is that I don't fit in. I have been grieving over this lately "what is wrong with me"...NOTHING is WRONG with ME!!!! I am looking in the wrong places and must do something different. I had a conflict with my boss who accused me of wasting company time recently. I am ans was furious as she gave me a written warning. First of all I am only a part timer. Secondly the day she gave me this warning I received praised from a client who though my work was outstanding... hardly sounds like someone who wastes company time. Message-this is the wrong culture for me and she has issues..BUT in the workplace I must learn to get along with others, just as I must in the world. This takes courage.

I have also reflected this morning on the life our son has had. I am blessed that he is happy and I am blessed that his school has given him such incredible nurturing, love, and support. I have in my mind thought through the horrors he has lived through during the active years of drinking watching his dad rage at me and at him and verbally abuse us; frequent visits to our home by the police; DCF involvement in our lives; living in a shelter with me during the worst of it (as I did not have the courage to ask my husband to leave-I left instead and moved into a shelter); inability to focus and concentrate on work in the home; a house that has been in constant state of chaos and so much more. A real nightmare. I must give myself some credit as I constantly sought help for him and myself, attended Alanon, and slowly acted in a courageous fashion...AND today I am Grateful that we no longer have this nightmare in our home and we are all together and blessed with a peaceful home.

There are many ore challenges ahead-especially financial. But all will come together. I have to have faith..And for today right now I am going to this job where I am not appreciated-I must be proactive and take control and change this situation I must do this by doing something different. This is hard but I will do my best and be COURAGEOUS and PATIENT....even thought my patience is wearing thin.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:Courage and PatienceCourage is not grim determination, boastful arrogance, or uncontrolled aggression. True courage comes from quiet conviction, which shows itself in self-control, calm assurance, and patient persistence.It takes courage, for example, to resist lashing back at others who hurt or offend us. It takes courage to endure the consequences of our attitudes, actions, and neglects without bragging or complaining. It takes courage to believe no situation or person is hopeless. It takes courage to remain optimistic about life when nothing seems to turn out right. It takes courage to maintain our enthusiasm and effort despite delays and setbacks. It takes courage to do the things we know are right in spite of our fears of rejection or inadequacy. And it takes courage to refrain from taking over a loved one's responsibilities when he or she is failing to meet them.Today, I will face life with courage. I will respond calmly and confidently to life's challenges. I will place my faith and trust in God and the principles I am learning in this philosophy of living.

ups and downs

Mark Alcoholic,




I must say I am going to blog more. Getting out my feelings is good for me and its a lot better than $150 and hour for a therapist! You know that AA is an amazing gift. You really can go to a meeting and listen or share. To be in a room, lunch today 120 people, all who understand each other it really is something. I can't believe I used to hate it...an amazing turn around.


I just received a ridiculous e-mail birthday card from my parents and my two brothers. They are all at my father's on holiday and apparently they wish I was there with them . Well that's a crock of bull. But as I have a program I can deal with it. I guess it is still sad that families are so messed up. I don't think this has anything to do with me. I was at a meeting yesterday and a friend said Mark just take care of your stuff...they are not your problem.

As a sensitive Alcoholic these things do effect me but as my sponsor tells me this too shall pass. I have just returned from my third meeting today. I guess I am getting addicted to meetings. I don't think it will always be this way but for now I have time to do it and it really is helping.

So, tomorrow is my birthday and I feel strong. Last year on my birthday I was checking into rehab. This year it will be good to be home around my wife, son, and dog. I pray for things to get better in our life but today I must be grateful to be alive, sober, and becoming a better human being on my journey to a new life!

I wanted to share two new prayers I am using:

First The Surrender Prayer .

I surrender to you my entire life,o God.
I have made a mess of it,trying to run it myself.
You take it-the whole thing-and run it for me.
According to your will and plan.

The second is the My Design Prayer .

God my purpose is to help others.
Give me this work.
Till my life shall end .
And life
Till my work is done.

I like these and I hope you do to0.

Thanks.

Mark Alcoholic.

riding with music in nature

Mark Alcoholic ,

Sorry it has been a while. I have been very busy with meetings and recovery. I know my wife wants me to blog about all kinds of stuff but the fact is I am a very chronic relapser and I can't go back to that ever!

I was told many times that recovery is the single most important thing today in my life and that if I stay on track everything will fall into place and the promises will come true. I don't know if that's true...all I do know is I must stay strong, have faith, and trust in my sponsor and those who have gone before me. I do know I don't want the old ways back.

There is tremendous struggle in our life and I am amazed we are still married but like my wife I do believe in sickness and in health and it's about working it out. Believe me I did not plan this way of life at my age. I want to be the provider and a good man. My sponsor tells me its all about time! My wife tells me it's about time!!!!

I ride my bike to all my meetings and I really enjoy the freedom riding in the summer, the breeze, and the smells of nature...all things I never enjoyed when active ! I play my music on the ipod and I sing along. I am sure many people I ride past think I am nuts. I am just an alcoholic on a bike going to a meeting. That's all I am today and I am proud of it.

It really is a wonderful feeling being truly sober. I am much healthier and I am now back to playing tennis. The recovery process is a long one. One of our famous members shared this morning that it takes a full 7 years for the body's cells to be fully changed. This means that there will not be an alcoholic cell will be in the body after 7 years, but I will always be an alcoholic! So I am going to keep going.

Tomorrow is my birthday and on this exact day last year I was being admitted to Arms Acres Rehab for detox. Tomorrow I will be on my bike in recovery and on my way to my big book meeting. That's the promises and that's a bloody miracle.

Thanks ,

Mark Alcoholic...Don't quit before the miracle!.

NORMAL

Many would find it hard to believe that if feels amazing to be "normal". To have the calmness in the house and in my head to get up and make lunch for my son, take him to camp, pick him up, cook dinner for my family and sit down as a family to eat it and not have any craziness or screaming and yelling or chaos. NORMAL. I LOVE living a NORMAL life and can't wait for teh next chapter in normalcy-hopefully this will include financial security!

Peace and Love,

Hunter