Handling disappointment with an attitude of Recovery

HI all it is Hunter.

My dream job interview went great the first day and I was asked to return on the second day. On that day I met with just one person who told me that I was not the right person for the job but that she liked me and would like to see me working at the organization coming in at a lower level. She told me that she has seen the other resumes for the position and that I am one of the weaker candidates. Then she suggested I should write to the hiring authority and ask about other opportunities or I would probably end up with no job at all there.

I thought about this, discussed it with a few trusted advisers, and decided why not. SO I did as suggested and I was basically told thanks for your honesty but we have no such opportunities...I was screwed! I am ideal for the job I interviewed for and can hit the ground running and have all the required skills..I am pissed off that I tipped my hand, on someones advice too soon and baffled.

I went back to the person who suggested I take this approach and asked her if she had any other advice. Her response was weird she said "you will be an asset in your new position. That is your fortune cookie." I have no idea what to make of this.

I am thinking about contacting HR and discussing this as it borders on unprofessional and some of my friends have suggested that the person I met has someone else in mind for the job. I really don't know what to do as I really do not want to slam the door shut.

SO I am processing my feelings over the weekend and praying for clarity and will figure out my next course of action on Monday. Do I call HR, do I call the woman who suggested I take this tact...I have no idea. But what I do know is that I have to let it go and move on....

I am not sure what the lesson is here...maybe it is to not react so quickly and to take time to reflect..maybe I should have not written that email to the hiring authority until the process was over...I might have landed the job, and i might not have....It might have been more appropriate to write it after I was rejected..But I was told I would be rejected for the position and that this woul be a good way to keep the door open...Very confusing indeed.

So, Mark is not working and I make very little money. I needed this job to take care of my family. My sponsor says Mark should work and that I am enabling him by allowing him not to. She is right. But she has never lived with an recovering alcoholic. Recovery is different from active addiction. Mark is doing all the right things and everyday he is getting better. He knows he needs to work and no amount of nagging will make him work any sooner. All I can do is focus on me.

I know that if Mark was not sober and if I was alone going through my work situation I would fall apart completely. Mark and our son are all I have and I am lucky to have this.

I am burned out from the job search process and baffled by this recent experience. I have been so rejected recently that I feel like a completely undesirable loser. I feel like many women have advanced degrees and more experience than me and with more of them in the workforce my opportunities are limited...AM I destined to be a glorified telemarketer for the remainder of my career? It is killing me..But I must move forward.

The weather is horrible today so I have made it a PJ day for me. I stayed in bed until noon and read a great novel, Mark gave me a 20 minute foot rub (which I love), I made lunch for my family, did some work and blogging on the computer and when I finish this I will send Mark and my son to his baseball game and I will do some aerobics and yoga. I will then come for the last few innings of the game. Today i am being good to me.

As for the situation with my interview. I am processing it, writing about it, talking about it to people I know, and praying for guidance. I am not reacting, I have already done enough of that, and I am praying,. I pray I can reopen the door and I am praying for guidance and strength.
I am NOT falling apart and not immediately reacting. I am processing and thinking things through...That is what the peace and serenity of recovery helps us to do....

Please keep me in your prayers...

Patience

It has been a long but great day. I had an all day interview for a dream job at a non-profit. My expereince in the corporate world combined with my "hard knocks" make me a terrific candidate for this position. I kind of feel like I am in American Idol as there were over 100 applicants for this position and only 5 were chosen for interviews. The fact taht I got that far tells me I am a winner! BUT I do need the income and pray I am THE finalist. I won't know if I made the cut until the end of June. Waiting is frustrating but I have no control over this. I have done everything that I am in control of. Patience is necessary.

As for Mark. I am very proud of him working his program and getting to 5 months of sobriety. I am sorry that it hurts him so much to confront his past and feel frustrated for his current inertia in moving forward as a provider. I do my best to be encouraging and to bite my tongue and not say anything that might upset him. He is so sensitive right now that he overreacts to everything I say or do. I have to practice all the wisdom I have learned in Alanon to not react, detach with love, and let things go...how important is it...and gratitude....I am grateful that he is not drinking and working on becoming a good person every day that he is sober....It sounds funny to be grateful for someone not drinking...>BUT for anyone who has lived in an addictive relationship that involved alcohol, or any other substance abuse it is completely understandable.
Patience is necessary......

Mark is doing really well in being honest with himself for the first time since I know him and in learning not to run but to work through it and talk about it...This is such amazing progress and recovery..I pray that he learns to be proud of this and to keep moving forward....Grieving for loss and for our past is an important process in getting better. Mark has never truly grieved over many things that happened to him long before I met him, instead his alcoholism took over...This is a really hard process and he is doing a great job.....Patience is necessary-on his part and mine.

My sponsor has told me throughout my recovery to be patient and continue to do the next right thing.....I have done this and things have gotten better...I also hear her gentle voice, during the active drinking period, reminding me that my husband is very sick and to try and understand...also pointing out to me how I can change my behavior....she has been a remarkable guiding force for me for the past few years and her guidance has helped me understand the need for patience.....

Being patient is really hard. But the best things are always worth waiting for...I know that having a husband who is not drinking and working on living sober everyday was definitely worth waiting for, and I pray that our financial situation turns around soon as we have been waiting.

Tonight I will dream about my day today and the opportunity that has presented itself and pray that all turns out well. As I stated earlier...TO be one of a select few invited for an interview is an honor in and of itself.....Now time to be patient and pray....I hope you all include me in your prayers and that in the future I am blogging about my amazing new job.

So for today the word is patience in all my affairs.

Regards,

Hunter

enough is enough

Mark alcoholic,

I have had another bad day and I am starting to question recovery. I know for sure that drinking is not an option! I was just thinking that I would love to write a commercial for the drinks industry from an alcoholic's point of view. This is the copy:

Want to lose 10 years of your life and destroy those around you? Then Drink This and one day at a time you will achieve your dream!

I know that millions of people can drink normally and don't have the disease I have and that's great. I have to start to get deeper inside my past and discover what has caused me to be so remorseful. There has to be something in my past that added to my alcoholism.

My son just came home so that's a help. I really hate the negative thoughts I am having. I really am a very positive guy. I just am going through hell at the moment,and I USED TO SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL AND I JUST CANT SEE IT TODAY.

Time takes Time I hate that

Mark Alcoholic,

I hate waiting for things to get better and being patient! I guess today is a bad day. The weather is turning nasty and I am very down. Doing all the right things not drinking,talking to my sponsor and other AAs just kind of fed up nothing going Mark's way.

I have so much pent up anger inside me and I just hate myself. Nothing is going the way I want. This disease in recovery is not just not drinking, there are years of mess to fix and today I can't fix it. So I have to let go.

I did speak with my daughter today who I thought had stopped talking to me but she has been busy. I always think the worst and I must try to stop that.

My wife has a big interview tomorrow, the car is going in for service, and everything is just too much for me. I am already starting to figure out how to deal with my wife when she starts to blame me for maybe not getting the job and what I should be doing is working on how to help her focus with positive energy.

I do have a great wife whom I love dearly but I must say she is always reminding me of the damage I did and I don't know if it will ever stop. I know what I did and that's why I go to my meetings. I guess I have to hope that will change in time. I don't blame her one bit but it is very hard to be reminded every day of what an asshole I know I became when I know!

Recovery is hard work I know if I stick with it (do I have a choice)? things will eventually get better but it is hard. Meetings day in day out, lack of self esteem, embarrassed, lonely and totally fed up. You see I live in a very wealthy town and I am not wealthy today. I have been and will be again even if it is not as before. BUT I must not let anything get in front of my sobriety or I am done for. I hope and pray Hunter gets that. I really don't want to go through another recovery!

I must start a gratitude list. It is very hard when you partner says it would be nice to do nice things. We have a beach, bikes, a great dog, a nice home, our health, and each other. Yes things should be better and at 47 years old I am not happy living with money issues, in debt, and unable to pay the bills.

I have the power to change that and take care of my family. I have choices and I have a future if I don't drink. I want this I feel better now I have written to an unknown group of friends.

I guess life goes on with me or not, I want to be a player in the game but I can only play sober.

More later.

Thanks .

Grumpy.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

Hello from Hunter,

Getting back on track is really hard. I have written before that I have been struggling to get a decent job. I have an amazing job interview this Thursday and i am very excited. As part of the interview process they will do a credit check..This will be a problem as my credit is about as bad is it can get including mortgage defaults, etc....BUT I have both the professional experience and the personal experience to make me an ideal candidate for the position. I have processed how to handle the credit issue with several people I trust and I have decided to be honest upfront so they are not surprised and to present it in a positive way-I CHOSE to put my family first and became a caregiver for my mom, my husband, and my child. It was impossible to work full time and carry this burden. I worked as many odd jobs as I could and took advantage of gov't assistance programs but i still have not been able to pay my bills... This job can change all of that. AND it is not just another job it is an amazing opportunity that I would really enjoy. SO to my friends who read this blog, please send prayers. I will need them. I am really going to put 1000% into this interview opportunity, including buying a new outfit tomorrow (a big splurge).

Other stuff. Mark is almost 5 months sober. It is hard for him and I understand. It is the first time he has dealt with his feelings instead of running away from them..It makes him hard to live with but I am also so very proud of him and full of respect for his commitment to recovery.

Lots' to do but I am exhausted.

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO POST COMMENTS ON OUR BLOG. WE BOTH READ THEM OFTEN AND IT MAKES US BOTH FEEL GREAT TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS AND KNOW THAT OUR SHARING OF OUR EXPERIENCE HELPS OTHERS.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

To all mothers who read this Happy Mother's Day to you. I woke up to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely cards from my son. He makes everyday of my life worth living and he is the one thing I have wanted more than anything in life. SO today I am lucky to be a mom and lucky to have such a wonderful son. and so very very grateful.

Last year my son and I were on our own and Mark was drunk out of his mind someplace in East Hampton, New York. It was a very difficult period of time for all of us. But my wonderful son made my day very special. Somehow this 7 year old boy managed to save money to take me to a decent restaurant for dinner and managed to find someone to take him to the store without my knowing to buy flowers and cards. He did everything to make mother's day very very special and he did.

He is an awesome kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I miss my mom terribly. I am going to call her in a little while, and as always when I hang up the phone cry as she does not know who I am and I can not be near her to hug her. It is times like this that I am grateful for the wonderful times I shared with her and the special closeness she and I always had..I love you mom so very much..That is what I will tell her when I call and I pray that in the recesses of her mind she knows it is me and knows how much I love her.

Today we will spend mother's day as a family and do something special.

I just sent an email to a friend of mine whose mom died a few weeks ago. In it I shared with her that the first year without someone we love is difficult every time there is a holiday. This mother's day I am not alone with my son but my husband is with us and he is sober (this means not drinking and working on this thinking!). It might not have turned out this way. I am grateful that it did.

One other thought for today, a little unrelated but a thought that I have: Yesterday a friend of Mark's from AA came over. He is a carpenter and repaired a piece of furniture that was broken in one of Mark's drunken stupors. But he had the furniture in his shop for close to a month....He was not drinking when he started to work on it and then he slipped. When he came here yesterday to bring it back fixed he looked fine to me. Mark said he was not fine and could tell by talking to him. He was unable to do other work he was supposed to do here and Mark said he was looking for money...Money Mark knew he would spend on beer. What a horrible illness this alcoholism is..Also for me I realized how cunning and baffling alcoholism is. Based on what I went through with Mark I thought i could spot an alcoholic and their behavior. WRONG. I thought his friend was fine. This makes me so mad. Today I pray for this guy AND in the spirit of mother's day I pray for all the children who's mom's suffer from this disease. This disease robs them from a happy, joyous, free, and loving relationship together. And for those families where mom is in recovery I pray that they appreciate the wonderful gift and miracle that they have.

And for my little family. I pray we have a good day.

Happy Mother's Day.

Hunter