Mark's mom and dad have always been very distant from us, both geographically and emotionally. It hurts Mark a lot. His dad is a very sensitive man and has suffered, at a distance, with Mark's illness...although he does not really understand it.
I sent the following letter to them to share the joys of recovery with them. After I sent it I decided to include it in our blog. I have so many family members and people I know in recovery. I know as parents they would love to get this kind of communication.
Mark's reaction when I shared this with him was that his parents would not care, they would find fault in it as I do not mention Mark's daughters, and that they are really not interested and do not understand this disease. He said he is very hardened to them and that they are not a part of his life or recovery.......
Hard for me to understand this as my mom has always cared so much about all of us and if she was not in advanced stages of Alzheimer's she would be so pleased. I know that other members of my family who know what we have been through would also be so happy to hear this news.
Anyway, I guess I sent the letter for me as my character and my recovery program teaches me to always do the next right thing...Sharing this is the next right thing and I would want to receive this news if it was my son and grandson and daughter in law. I do pray that this letter does brighten their days....And if they find fault in it for my not mentioning Mark's daughters or any other reason, so be it...
Most people fail to see the joy in little things and are always looking for something to complain about. The tragedy of addiction forces us to think differently and the miracle of recovery helps us to always look for the good and find happiness in the small things.
Recovery is about doing things one day at a time.. Starting here with our little family is the first step...Recovery with Mark's estranged daughters will take a lot more time...it will happen in time but can not be rushed.
I hope all who read this enjoy this letter and get a better understanding of the joys of recovery as a family.
Dear Mum and Dad,
How are things? How is Scott? I hear you are going to be great grandparents soon...Unbelievable. Lot's of special good things happening here.
Mark in recovery-finally. Everyday getting better, not easy, but 1000 times better than ever. We celebrated our 9th Wedding Anniversary this week..As far as we are both concerned it was in many ways our 1st anniversary and an new beginning.
Mark just came home with a new outfit, fitness bag and baseball helmet for our son. I am crying with happiness as Mark has never in 9 years been there for him like he is now or taken an active interest in his sporting activities. It is so wonderful to see Mark excited about his son's life and activities and eager to participate. It is so important to our son's motivation for his dad to part of his sporting activities. For so many years I had to be everything to our son and it was impossible to do it all. Thank God our son now has two parents who participate in his life and development.
Last night was a very special experience for our family at synagogue. I know my mom, if she was not sick with Alzheimer's, and dad, if he was alive , would have loved to share the evening with us. I think you too would have enjoyed it. Our son led worship services with the rest of his religious school class and knew all the words to all the prayers and sang all the Hebrew songs. He stood on the steps of the bema with his entire third grade class and sang all the prayers while the cantor played the guitar and led them. Our services are -filled with song and although you are of a different faith than us, you would have really enjoyed it. We missed my mom so very much as this is something she would have loved and synagogue was always a very important part of her life. Also for me it evoked a very special childhood memory of going to synagogue with my dad. He would always hold my hand and smile at me as I sang and recited prayers with him. I did this with my our son last night, and strangely I felt my dad there with us holding my hand and smiling... Hard to believe he is gone 20 years.
During the part of the service they sang a special healing prayer and people are invited to stand and say the names of those they love in need of healing. Our son stood up and said "Grandma" Then with a tear in his eye gently whispered to me "I miss her so very much" I replied "so do I Moe....So do I.....
So wonderful to have Mark a real part of this experience not drinking and enjoying the spirituality, community, and taking pride in his son's achievements.
Our son is also getting what is called a "big brother" A high school student will be spending a few hours with him one day a week as part of a mentoring program. They spent a lot of time interviewing us and interviewing our son to learn about him and what he likes. They make an appropriate match..Our boy is really looking forward to this and we think it will be great for him.
Our son is also doing much better in school and we are working on a program of diet and self care-things in need of attention that have sadly taken a back seat during the crisis of the past few years.
Our home is getting cleaner one day at a time and Mark affectionately calls me "Martha" (as in Martha Stewart) as I have painted three of the rooms in unique and attractive finishes and spend a lot of time rearranging furniture, fixing things, and hanging pictures...Perhaps one day you will come and stay in our guest suite (I know that will won't be imminent and for that we are lucky as we have not gotten to that part of the house yet!)
Now that the drinking has stopped we are learning how to communicate with each other and understand one another better. We have a long road to continue on but one day at a time it is getting better...The first year of recovery is supposedly the toughest...What I know is that the wonderful person that Mark is, is starting to emerge again with a clear head. He has a long way to go but he is getting better one day at a time.
I hope this email brings a smile to your face and that your day is a little brighter as a result.
Love from all of us.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Communication and Spirtuality Essential to Recovery
UGH!!!!!!!!!!! Just spent entire morning writing a great blog only to have it erased.
I will keep it short not because I am frustrated! We are learning how to communicate and set healthier boundaries. We are sharing our feelings, especially Mark is learning to let me know how he feels rather than stuffing his feelings and drinking over them. I am learning from this and hopefully becoming a better person,. I am sharing my feelings in healthier way with Mark as well. Recently I confronted him about grandiose behavior and making up stories and lies to make himself look bigger and more important..While initially defensive I hope he learned that he is OK just as he is , that lies compound lies, and that with recovery the demon inside of him has been exorcised and the incredible person within is there ready to come out perfect just as they are without making up stories.
We are also experiencing spiritual recovery as a family. Last night our son led sabbath services with the rest of his religious school class. He was so proud to know all the words to traditional prayers and sing them for and with us. We missed my mom who could not be there as she is in later stages of Alzheimer's. She would have loved to be there and would have been beaming with pride. Also for me it evoked a very special childhood memory of going to synagogue with my dad . He would always hold my hand and smile at me as I sang and recited prayers with him. I did this with my son Moe last night, and strangely I felt my dad there with us holding my hand and smiling... Hard to believe he is gone 20 years. Also during the part of the service when they said a healing prayer our son stood up and said his grandma's name. Then with a tear in his eye gently whispered to me "I miss her so very much" I replied "so do I....So do I.....
This blog is a bit all over the place today..but I am used to being all over the place as that is how I have lived most of my life...One day at a time things are falling into place..It is a rough road this first year....BUT it is VERY smooth in comparison to the road we travelled during the years of active alcoholism and filled with excitement and hope.
Until next time.
Hunter
I will keep it short not because I am frustrated! We are learning how to communicate and set healthier boundaries. We are sharing our feelings, especially Mark is learning to let me know how he feels rather than stuffing his feelings and drinking over them. I am learning from this and hopefully becoming a better person,. I am sharing my feelings in healthier way with Mark as well. Recently I confronted him about grandiose behavior and making up stories and lies to make himself look bigger and more important..While initially defensive I hope he learned that he is OK just as he is , that lies compound lies, and that with recovery the demon inside of him has been exorcised and the incredible person within is there ready to come out perfect just as they are without making up stories.
We are also experiencing spiritual recovery as a family. Last night our son led sabbath services with the rest of his religious school class. He was so proud to know all the words to traditional prayers and sing them for and with us. We missed my mom who could not be there as she is in later stages of Alzheimer's. She would have loved to be there and would have been beaming with pride. Also for me it evoked a very special childhood memory of going to synagogue with my dad . He would always hold my hand and smile at me as I sang and recited prayers with him. I did this with my son Moe last night, and strangely I felt my dad there with us holding my hand and smiling... Hard to believe he is gone 20 years. Also during the part of the service when they said a healing prayer our son stood up and said his grandma's name. Then with a tear in his eye gently whispered to me "I miss her so very much" I replied "so do I....So do I.....
This blog is a bit all over the place today..but I am used to being all over the place as that is how I have lived most of my life...One day at a time things are falling into place..It is a rough road this first year....BUT it is VERY smooth in comparison to the road we travelled during the years of active alcoholism and filled with excitement and hope.
Until next time.
Hunter
Thursday, March 22, 2007
hello again
I have been amiss not writing my blog I guess I think I am cured . The disease of alcoholism is cunning and baffling . I know I cannot drink like normal people and I know that my families recovery is moving slowly but surely in the right direction to drink would destroy all of this.
I do not obsess over drinking today but as the summer nights arrive we in recovery or me for sure start to romance that nice glass of wine by the water but of course for me it is not possible . I must not think this way I must start to find other activities to keep me busy.
My meetings are great but they only last for one hour a day their are 23 more to be vigilant in.
I am feeling good about recovery but I do get reminded at my meetings every day about the slips and relapses all around me I just don't have it in me any more,I keep notes around me reminding me what happens if I drink it will be devastating.
At home my wife is up and down and I have tons of work to do on rebuilding the trust. We celebrated our wedding anniversary yesterday 9 years its a miracle, I just pray that the next 9 will be sober for all of us . Recovery is a daily grind ,I am the type of guy who can put a big smile
on my face and my appearance is mostly positive but it is not always easy I have lost a great deal in my life mostly time,time to live . I do go back to start with my gratitude list when things are bad and good, I must not forget where I have been where I am going and how I am going to get their using the 12 steps of AA.
My son is doing well and along with us continues to recover, the alcoholic me has know clue what he is doing to his family when active but I am able to see him happy and enjoying spending time with each other . He will be getting a big brother type thing from our town services department its like a mentoring big friend programme I think it will be great for him.
I have been watching on HBO a show on addiction and I have some reservations about how alcoholism is shown but all are entitled to opinions and as far as I am concerned the more it is talked about the more chance that another alcoholic still suffering can be helped . The message of recovery and AA needs to be out their for all to know about it and I think this brings into question the real anonymity issue that AA will need to address in the coming years. Alcoholism kills and is becoming epidemic I only want to help myself and others in recovery.
I am proud to be in recovery I try to explain to my daughters who I have harmed terribly about my journey but their vision of an alcoholic is a dirty old man in an old trench coat drinking from a brown bag . Well their for the grace of god go all alcoholics ,my meetings are attended by all types some of the wealthiest in America and some of the poorest ,remember this disease knows know boundaries it affects alcoholics period no matter what your worth.
I am starting step 4 now I don't think it will be so tough its all in my head I did what I did so write it down!
I am not American and have many frustrations about the USA but I am coming to terms with the fact finally that this will be my life I think as you recover you start to find your true self it takes time but I think or hope one day I will like myself for who I am and know more.
We alcoholics are pig headed grandiose and frankly mostly full of ourselves . As we recover we will experience our true feelings and some times it can be very hard to handle I am sensitive and have to some extent been a loner, that you would never believe if you met me remember we are great actors .
I want my recovery more than anything in the world because I know the promises will come true if I work for them ,this is a program of action and I am moving into action!.
Good night . Mark alcoholic .
PS
I promise to make this a daily blog and I will from now on treat it like a meeting it is a great help to me and I hope to those that one day read it on our journey of recovery ,remember you are not alone.
I do not obsess over drinking today but as the summer nights arrive we in recovery or me for sure start to romance that nice glass of wine by the water but of course for me it is not possible . I must not think this way I must start to find other activities to keep me busy.
My meetings are great but they only last for one hour a day their are 23 more to be vigilant in.
I am feeling good about recovery but I do get reminded at my meetings every day about the slips and relapses all around me I just don't have it in me any more,I keep notes around me reminding me what happens if I drink it will be devastating.
At home my wife is up and down and I have tons of work to do on rebuilding the trust. We celebrated our wedding anniversary yesterday 9 years its a miracle, I just pray that the next 9 will be sober for all of us . Recovery is a daily grind ,I am the type of guy who can put a big smile
on my face and my appearance is mostly positive but it is not always easy I have lost a great deal in my life mostly time,time to live . I do go back to start with my gratitude list when things are bad and good, I must not forget where I have been where I am going and how I am going to get their using the 12 steps of AA.
My son is doing well and along with us continues to recover, the alcoholic me has know clue what he is doing to his family when active but I am able to see him happy and enjoying spending time with each other . He will be getting a big brother type thing from our town services department its like a mentoring big friend programme I think it will be great for him.
I have been watching on HBO a show on addiction and I have some reservations about how alcoholism is shown but all are entitled to opinions and as far as I am concerned the more it is talked about the more chance that another alcoholic still suffering can be helped . The message of recovery and AA needs to be out their for all to know about it and I think this brings into question the real anonymity issue that AA will need to address in the coming years. Alcoholism kills and is becoming epidemic I only want to help myself and others in recovery.
I am proud to be in recovery I try to explain to my daughters who I have harmed terribly about my journey but their vision of an alcoholic is a dirty old man in an old trench coat drinking from a brown bag . Well their for the grace of god go all alcoholics ,my meetings are attended by all types some of the wealthiest in America and some of the poorest ,remember this disease knows know boundaries it affects alcoholics period no matter what your worth.
I am starting step 4 now I don't think it will be so tough its all in my head I did what I did so write it down!
I am not American and have many frustrations about the USA but I am coming to terms with the fact finally that this will be my life I think as you recover you start to find your true self it takes time but I think or hope one day I will like myself for who I am and know more.
We alcoholics are pig headed grandiose and frankly mostly full of ourselves . As we recover we will experience our true feelings and some times it can be very hard to handle I am sensitive and have to some extent been a loner, that you would never believe if you met me remember we are great actors .
I want my recovery more than anything in the world because I know the promises will come true if I work for them ,this is a program of action and I am moving into action!.
Good night . Mark alcoholic .
PS
I promise to make this a daily blog and I will from now on treat it like a meeting it is a great help to me and I hope to those that one day read it on our journey of recovery ,remember you are not alone.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
March 21, 2007 our ninth wedding anniversary and first sober one. It is like a new beginning. A lot of growing, learning, and building to do together. Our son is thriving knowing that mommy and daddy no longer fight, that daddy is not drinking, and that we enjoy being together as a family. mark can not get over how much our son talks, nonstop. I can not get over how happy our son is and I can not be more grateful for Mark's sobriety and the effect it has on our son's life and development. Our child is awesome, smart, and unbelievably resilient after all he has gone through. Our wedding anniversary is a wonderful achievement and it is amazing we are still together. There has always been love, but today there is a future...thanks to sobriety.
I can not write anymore until mark posts a blog...
Hunter.
I can not write anymore until mark posts a blog...
Hunter.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A Little Better
Logged on to find Mark's blog as he said it disappeared when he tried to post it..It is gone..oh well guess it was not meant to be. Yesterday was a hard day for me and today is still hard. Yesterday was made easier because Mark is in recovery and he was able to be understanding, loving and kind and accepting of all that was in my blog as truth. This is an amazing development in his recovery. As we learn to become more interdependent and not co-dependent this kind of behavior is exactly what it needs to be and makes me feel so much better about our relationship and future together.
As for me I am in a bad emotional state. After a long and successful career working with heads of state and titans of industry, I now work as a drone telemarketing. I have a boss who I thought was really wonderful person who has turned into a nightmare-picking on things such as sending a report to her in excel format rather than as a word document! I wonder how busy someone can possibly be if this is all they have to pick on...And to make it worse, when I realized she was angry about it I offered to change it and she responded by saying don't bother. Some days she remarks "what is all that banging on the computer about"...usually I am writing emails to clients she has requested and customizing them a bit. Other days she says I am slow, when in truth I am the first person to complete projects given to me...I am given projects no one else wants to work on and I approach them with a positive attitude and efficiency. She is a complete control freak who asks me to make calls and when someone wants an email asks me to email her the information so she can do it. She asks me to write reports and compile data for the client yet does not allow me any contact with the client nor does she put my name on reports that I write. It really pisses me off when people take credit for others work. I also resent when people criticize your work yet do not set uniform standards for people to be accountable to...I suggested to her the other day that she set standards for our team ie... a certain amount o phone calls and contacts per day...then monitoring becomes easier, either the contacts were made or they were not.. The micromanagement bullshit and taking out of frustrations on me has got to stop and i don't know how to stop it. I feel completely demeaned at my place of work and sad because I can not find another job and am desperate for any kind of income...and this income unfortunately puts me at the federal poverty level.... I come from a family of very successful business people and up until my mom got Alzheimer's and I was ravaged by alcoholism in my home I had the resources to do things I wanted, such as go back to school or start a business. Now after the progression of her disease and the destruction of alcoholism I do not have these resources, and my husband says he does but has yet to come up with them....so frustrating.
I am struggling to find the lesson in this current work situation and exercising patience and tolerance. I am exercising the slogan from Alanon, and AA-"How important is it?" Frankly it is not that important this is not my long term career but I have a hard time being a "robot" and not using my brain. I have a hard time being told that my input is not important (especially when I know that things can be done more efficiently) . I have had enough experience in letting go and not being controlling. I have had enough of hard times...Maybe I just have to ask God to remove my shortcomings that are preventing me from getting what I want...I don't know...I am so confused and so unhappy..I hate that I have to go to this job today...But, like my son says, it is better than no job.
Mark is focused on his sobriety and I believe he will be a provider and help to this family. I know he wants this and as long as he is not drinking it will happen....
I am not a failure but I am living my life today as a failure. I must do something different. I must find my own business to start or a job that I enjoy. I know what I am good at and I know what i can do...
I will continue to pray for guidance and direction today, exercise patience, and understand that feelings are not facts. I will understand that this sadness and depression I feel is something I must move through and I pray it will go away in time..i will do my best to find the beauty in today..and I will look for opportunities to stop doing what I don't want to do and to make my life all it could and should be.
Off to teach pre-school.
Hunter
As for me I am in a bad emotional state. After a long and successful career working with heads of state and titans of industry, I now work as a drone telemarketing. I have a boss who I thought was really wonderful person who has turned into a nightmare-picking on things such as sending a report to her in excel format rather than as a word document! I wonder how busy someone can possibly be if this is all they have to pick on...And to make it worse, when I realized she was angry about it I offered to change it and she responded by saying don't bother. Some days she remarks "what is all that banging on the computer about"...usually I am writing emails to clients she has requested and customizing them a bit. Other days she says I am slow, when in truth I am the first person to complete projects given to me...I am given projects no one else wants to work on and I approach them with a positive attitude and efficiency. She is a complete control freak who asks me to make calls and when someone wants an email asks me to email her the information so she can do it. She asks me to write reports and compile data for the client yet does not allow me any contact with the client nor does she put my name on reports that I write. It really pisses me off when people take credit for others work. I also resent when people criticize your work yet do not set uniform standards for people to be accountable to...I suggested to her the other day that she set standards for our team ie... a certain amount o phone calls and contacts per day...then monitoring becomes easier, either the contacts were made or they were not.. The micromanagement bullshit and taking out of frustrations on me has got to stop and i don't know how to stop it. I feel completely demeaned at my place of work and sad because I can not find another job and am desperate for any kind of income...and this income unfortunately puts me at the federal poverty level.... I come from a family of very successful business people and up until my mom got Alzheimer's and I was ravaged by alcoholism in my home I had the resources to do things I wanted, such as go back to school or start a business. Now after the progression of her disease and the destruction of alcoholism I do not have these resources, and my husband says he does but has yet to come up with them....so frustrating.
I am struggling to find the lesson in this current work situation and exercising patience and tolerance. I am exercising the slogan from Alanon, and AA-"How important is it?" Frankly it is not that important this is not my long term career but I have a hard time being a "robot" and not using my brain. I have a hard time being told that my input is not important (especially when I know that things can be done more efficiently) . I have had enough experience in letting go and not being controlling. I have had enough of hard times...Maybe I just have to ask God to remove my shortcomings that are preventing me from getting what I want...I don't know...I am so confused and so unhappy..I hate that I have to go to this job today...But, like my son says, it is better than no job.
Mark is focused on his sobriety and I believe he will be a provider and help to this family. I know he wants this and as long as he is not drinking it will happen....
I am not a failure but I am living my life today as a failure. I must do something different. I must find my own business to start or a job that I enjoy. I know what I am good at and I know what i can do...
I will continue to pray for guidance and direction today, exercise patience, and understand that feelings are not facts. I will understand that this sadness and depression I feel is something I must move through and I pray it will go away in time..i will do my best to find the beauty in today..and I will look for opportunities to stop doing what I don't want to do and to make my life all it could and should be.
Off to teach pre-school.
Hunter
Monday, March 19, 2007
Not all Days are Good
Today I am going to work on a positive attitude and pray for guidance. I am feeling down on myself for all the career opportunities I passed up and for ending up where I am now, unable to afford my house, unable to find work, married to a man who is also not working and lies to me. I am pissed off with myself for believing his lies and putting our son and myself in a position where we are going to lose our home because I have believed my husband's lies. I want to drive myself to work today and be in control of where I go and what I do. I want a good job. I am so frustrated sending out hundred of resumes, only to be consistently rejected and offered positions with no salary or minimum wage. I am a good person, I am smart, and I am a hard worker...this is not fair....I pray for myself today that I learn to do something different and that God sends me guidance. I don't want to be supportive and loving and forgiving today and accepting of my husband's disease but I don't want him to drink and I don't want to lose him. I don't want to find chaos in my home. I want my husband to support this family. He supposedly has a job and supposedly is getting paid-yet he has told me he is not supposed to go into work yet and that his is getting paid-but the paycheck has not arrived in a month.. If it sounds like bullshit, it usually is.. How stupid am I and how patient am I supposed to be. Enough is enough! I don't feel like being understanding and compassionate today. I am sick of lies and financial distress. I am furious with myself for allowing thisto happen. I can't do this anymore. today I just can't. I love my husband very much and I pray for the guidance and strength today to give him the love he needs and for the guidance and strength to love myself and get through today and maybe figure out a new approach.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
my first 90 days!
As I said in my blog yesterday I am going to start a 90 day count for healthier eating and diet. Today is Day 1. I started out OK and did notice that as I made my breakfast I was aware of what I was serving myself. I think I overate a bit but I will make sure the rest of the day goes well. We are going to start filling our home with fresh fruits and vegetables cut up and ready for snacks...and plan family activities such as bike riding and evening walks 3-5 times a week now that the weather is nicer.
We also as parents need to work with our son on making his life more active. He spends too much sedentary time watching TV, playing video games and on the computer. He is overweight and we do need to help nip it in the bud.
You see, without the daily chaos and insanity of alcoholism we are all free to focus on life.
Later,
Hunter
We also as parents need to work with our son on making his life more active. He spends too much sedentary time watching TV, playing video games and on the computer. He is overweight and we do need to help nip it in the bud.
You see, without the daily chaos and insanity of alcoholism we are all free to focus on life.
Later,
Hunter
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
