In March of this year I started a journal about my mom. The first entry was written in March and was entitled "I miss her so" It's contents are below. The difference between now and then is that I can not go and see her.. But in some senses I am more with her now than before. Here is the entry:
from March 2007
I miss mom so very much. I see women 84 on TV with their minds in tact and I wonder why not my mom.....why...I see books and stories about mothers and daughters and how they talk everyday...I always talked to my mom everyday...I looked out for her for so many years after my dad died. We fought so very much and yelled and screamed...it was horrible.. But we loved so very much.. She always knew what I liked and what was best for me and always helped me. She loved to shop and always left out clothes for me on my bed that she thought would look good on me...They always did and I wore the heck out of them...Funny-I married someone who does the same thing. I guess I am lucky we shared this and I know I will always be grateful for the days and times we shared I will always wish there were more of them....It is springtime and as I look outside I see birds chirping and looking for food on the sill leafless trees. Springtime is rebirth and in so many ways my life is in rebirth this year. I pray i make the best of it."
Today it is not Springtime, it is Autumn. The leaves are resplendent in color and there is a gentle peace in our home. Mark has taken the afternoon off and is resting, our son is home and relaxing, and the rain is pelting down outside. It is a very strong rain-one that has swept most of the country and even caused several tornado's.
A dear friend of mine once told me that rain after a sad event, like the passing of a loved one, is a reminder from the Universe and God, that all is well. The rain makes everything clean and ready for a new start....In the case of the weather we have and are experiencing, I believe it is a powerful one from my mom and dad, and some other very famous and powerful personalities who have passed recently. A message that all is well but that we have to wake up and take care of our planet.
That's all for now..
Warmest,
Hunter
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Reminder-First Year of Sobriety is EARLY Recovery
Hello Again from Hunter,
I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother. No one will ever hug me again and let me know everything is OK in the reassuring way that she always did. I have a beautiful child and I am lucky that I can give that kind of love to him. I too need that love and sadly I have a husband who is sick who cannot be there for me in this way. He is still in early recovery and I don't quite understand it completely but all his energy goes into him not taking the first drink. I know from my program that I have to let things roll off my back, especially the many unkind and angry words he says and the hyper behavior...it is all part of recovery. BUT I am not a machine and I have feelings. I can only take so much before I explode. I need a bit of love and compassion -I lost my mother. I know that he does not quite understand this as he does not have this kind of close relationship wtih his mother. I do know that if his dad died tomorrow it would have a profound effect on him and it would hurt-hopefully he will have enough recovery under his belt not to drink. Anyway, I exploded yesterday and today. Unfortunately this did not change things....it never will. Today I am going to pray that I can find the right words and behavior to express my needs, my hurts, my disappointments, and I will pray that Mark is open enough to hear me.
Until later.
Hunter
I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother. No one will ever hug me again and let me know everything is OK in the reassuring way that she always did. I have a beautiful child and I am lucky that I can give that kind of love to him. I too need that love and sadly I have a husband who is sick who cannot be there for me in this way. He is still in early recovery and I don't quite understand it completely but all his energy goes into him not taking the first drink. I know from my program that I have to let things roll off my back, especially the many unkind and angry words he says and the hyper behavior...it is all part of recovery. BUT I am not a machine and I have feelings. I can only take so much before I explode. I need a bit of love and compassion -I lost my mother. I know that he does not quite understand this as he does not have this kind of close relationship wtih his mother. I do know that if his dad died tomorrow it would have a profound effect on him and it would hurt-hopefully he will have enough recovery under his belt not to drink. Anyway, I exploded yesterday and today. Unfortunately this did not change things....it never will. Today I am going to pray that I can find the right words and behavior to express my needs, my hurts, my disappointments, and I will pray that Mark is open enough to hear me.
Until later.
Hunter
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Taking Care of Ourselves
Hello-
Some readers my be wanting to know what happened to Mark. Answer: He is working....it is a new life and full of adjustments..Not only is he working, he is employing people in recovery helping them get back on track.....As Mark has not worked in many years he has been too busy to do much more than get to his meetings, go to work, eat dinner with his family and go to sleep...I will encourage him to write soon-promise.
My Alanon sponsor came to the store Mark works at on opening day...Her comment to me was "I have never seen Mark sober"...that in of itself is "sobering".
Anyway with my mom gone and Mark sober and working and our son enjoying a normal home life I am free to focus on me. I was given a gift to go away to a yoga retreat for a week where there are classes on integrative weight loss. I am getting my mind and self ready for this amazing trip and realize that I have an addiction to food and am just hitting my bottom-fortunately I do not weigh 300 pounds but could if I continue on the spiral I am on. Never the less I am confronting that I do not love myself. If I did my body and appearance would be important to me....it is not. I have spent a lot of time nurturing my soul recently and need to continue to do this work in order to be the best I can be. I look forward to this.
Hunter
Some readers my be wanting to know what happened to Mark. Answer: He is working....it is a new life and full of adjustments..Not only is he working, he is employing people in recovery helping them get back on track.....As Mark has not worked in many years he has been too busy to do much more than get to his meetings, go to work, eat dinner with his family and go to sleep...I will encourage him to write soon-promise.
My Alanon sponsor came to the store Mark works at on opening day...Her comment to me was "I have never seen Mark sober"...that in of itself is "sobering".
Anyway with my mom gone and Mark sober and working and our son enjoying a normal home life I am free to focus on me. I was given a gift to go away to a yoga retreat for a week where there are classes on integrative weight loss. I am getting my mind and self ready for this amazing trip and realize that I have an addiction to food and am just hitting my bottom-fortunately I do not weigh 300 pounds but could if I continue on the spiral I am on. Never the less I am confronting that I do not love myself. If I did my body and appearance would be important to me....it is not. I have spent a lot of time nurturing my soul recently and need to continue to do this work in order to be the best I can be. I look forward to this.
Hunter
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