its in the big book

Mark alcoholic ,my wife keeps nagging me to blog and I really should do more I have been tired lately and trying to get myself in shape I really must start to exercise this weekend ,I used to be a professional athlete and its time to get in shape no excuses .

I have had an average week still dealing with anger issues as I start to understand my feelings and deal with my past.

I have been troubled this week by 4 relapses, friends of mine have decided to try it their way ,one is in the hospital, the other is riding his bike as he trashed his car drunk and the other two have gone walk about . Some success . I don't have a problem with people drinking its just people like me and my mates, we just cant drink in a controlled fashion. Still its a good lesson I just hate to see the suffering and I feel their pain, boy am I glad that for today I have the program!

The Friday meeting I ran today was fun and we discussed a number of topics ,lying ,drinking relapse laughter ,I have to laugh it keeps me going and we also discussed old behavior . Last night I went outside to get my books for the morning meeting from the car and Hunter told me she had flash backs as to when I used to go outside to get my drinks and pretend to let the dog out.It will take a while for the trust to be built up she is not at fault .

I heard my friend share about his problems with his ex wife and how she uses his 2 year old against him ,I know we are not angels when we drink but that's not the kids fault, and an actor friend of mine in the program is also in trouble with his kids and wife ,that's where our drinking takes us!

I have started to enjoy my prayer and things are very slowly getting better. I find it important to try and get some quite time say the serenity prayer and instead of asking for things from God I just thank him for my recovery and what I have today! I am also pleased that Hunter spoke with my daughter tonight for close to an hour all this is because I have surrendered to my disease ,I am very please she spoke with her and I am sure this will continue as long as I stay sober all is possible.

I am reading the big book again and I must finish my step 4 as I know this will be a great move forward for my recovery .

Anyway I am tired ,I am pounding my meetings and tomorrow Saturday its back at it I must continue this for now in the same way I drank no excuses .

Thanks for letting me share Mark alcoholic.

TOUGH WEEK

Hi-Hunter again


It has been a rough week. Nothing else new to really say and truthfully we set this blog up so that mark would write then I would write. Since Mark has not written yet, I have to wait.

So I am waiting........

How am I feeling? A bit down, a bit lethargic, fearful , and many other things. How am I acting? I am "acting as if"....I am a bit worn out. Worn out from the effects of living with an active aclohlic and worn out from the constant energy sapped from me by the recovering alcoholic....Grateful always for the recovery as I love my husband and I love how happy our son is now tha tdad is sober. I know there is hope..But for today I am completely drained.....

DRY DRUNK

I live with a dry drunk today. It is not very much fun. The only difference between a dry drunk and a drunk drunk is that a dry drunk can stop the behavior after a short time, the drunk drunk keeps going on. Also, since I am aware that the raging person is not drunk I am able to handle the situation much better than before. I do not rage back or react. There is much more I want to write but my mind is totally clouded now because of the lack of serenity in my house. I am immobilized and unable to function..This is what living with an active alcoholic did to me in the past and this is what is doing to me today...Today it will be short lived..But I can not write as my head is just not clear.

Later.

Hunter

I AM FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a short time to write as I have a very important job interview to go to today. I am exhausted and spent most of yesterday and this morning sleeping. My alcohlic husband in recovery went to his morning AA meeting and came home to tell me that today is going to be a hard day for him. He then proceeded to verbally assault me and the alanon program in everyway he could...He also decided when I was talking to turn up the volume on the TV and shut me out. He shouted, which upsets our son, and then said something disparaging about me to our son. What an asshole is all I can say about this. He then comes in and asks me to stand up and hug him to start over. I can't sometimes. I know he is in recovery BUT it is NOT all about him ALL of the time. I know he is sick and close to a drink. BUT it is NOT about him ALL of the time. He has NEVER in 9 years supported this family. I HAVE. I have also LOST my opportunities because of his alcohlism. My life has been hell because of it, I am in tears because of how he behaved this morning. And while I will just put it out of my mind and ignore it. I can not handle it sometimes.....especially not today..and especailly not when he brings our elementrary school child into the situation....HOW DARE HE DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to vent as I am FURIOUS with his behavior and there is NO EXCUSE. His irresponsible in his behavior and does not THINK before he speaks....I am NOT always forgiving and I have No tolerance today for dry drunk behavior. Now I must figure out what I can do for me. I have asked my friends to send me prayers today as I am excited about this job opportunity and really need a break. I have strutggled for so long and need to get back on my feet financially. I will pray our son has a good day and that the alcoholic who is behaving like a dry drunk gets a grip on himself and makes it a good day with our son, since I will not be here. I will pray that he responsible with our son today. I need all my energy for me today as I need this job and must stay focussed. I am furios with Mark and his alcoholic behavior. Having to worry abou thim and how he is treating our son and hte chaous in our home has cost me too many opportunities. NOT TODAY...Today belongs to me so I can make a better life for me and our family....So today I pray for serenity in my life and my families. And if you are reading this, I ask for your prayers as well. Prayers for Mark to continue to recover. Prayers for our son, to have a happy home and family, and prayers for me to get on with my career and creating a secure future for myself and our son, as no one else has ever done this for me and I only have control over what I do.

sober rainy days

Hello, Mark alcoholic ,

I can't imagine drinking today. It's depressing enough without it. I do remember in the past drinking heavily on days like this ,why.

A friend of mine is in terrible trouble. His wife left him , he smashed his car up, drunk of course, and just has not surrendered. It reminds me of how I used to be.

I don't know if I like it when people slip. He has been trying for 4 months and did put 30 days together but lost it, anyway I have talked and told him what I did. I just gave up. My drinking is just not something to mess around with I don't and can't handle alcohol well.

I did tell him that my day counting used to get me down and in fact this time, the only time I have made it, I did not do the day count at meetings. It was too painful to keep remembering. I counted for myself. The fact is it is only today that counts and I don't care how much time you have. Today April 15th 2007 is the first day anybody reading this has been sober on this day!

It truly is a one day at a time program and when I hear such pain from my friend it just reminds how it feels, no more detox for me.

My wife was away last night at an Alanon friend's house. I am glad she had a great time. For me that is a true sign how our family is recovering. I have to be very careful not to romance this stuff. I am as One drink and I am for sure back to were my mate is-home alone, no car, no family, and detoxing. What a horrible life.

Alcohol does not care how we act. Believe me there is always going to be another drunk out there and another liquor store or bartender waiting to sell him or her whatever they want, sober or not.

I am beginning to enjoy life a little more although I do have to check my anger at the door. It is very easy for me to over react. My wife can just sit ,read or watch tv ...me I am all over the place. I guess I should start some kind of relaxation stuff still one day at a time.

My wife rented some funny movies for us-hanging out in bed on a rainy day, sober, with someone who loves me and who I love...what a new and wonderful experience. I want to go and enjoy this and also first call my mate to see how he is doing, so I am signing off for now. That's how it works! Reach out to another alcoholic whenever you can as my friends did to me. And learn to enjoy a wonderful new life sober, which is what is awaiting me.

Thanks Mark alcoholic