Short blog from Hunter
My head is racing with so very many thoughts. Mostly I am enjoying the calmness in my home environment. A year ago life was chaos. Mark and I were separated and I was all over the place with out of control emotion-fear, sadness, worry, loneliness, anger, uncertainty, instability, insecurity, financial distress, and so very much more...my son was the only joy in my life and I had to function as mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and world to him...a tall order for someone in so much distress.
I had no support, except for my alanon sponsor and the many Alanon meetings I went to. I don't have family that is or was there for me in the way I needed them and my mom has later stages of Alzheimer's and could not be there for me as she always has been all of my life-this loss on top of everything else was too much for me...How I ever made it through this period without a nervous breakdown is a miracle and upon reflection makes me understand how strong a character I am. I could never have made it through everyday without my sponsor...Anyway the chaos of those years is gone. I am able to live in a normal environment without the chaos caused by an active addict.
It feels so surreal in so many ways but so very wonderful. I don't go to Alanon meetings lately...probably because I do have constant contact with my sponsor and I am enjoying being home for the first time ever.
I am frustrated as I can't get a job and keep looking and getting rejected. I know nothing is wrong with me so I keep plugging along but it is not easy..However today I just roll with the punches and don't wallow in self pity. I am starting to lose my "baby weight"...I never lost weight after our child was born 8 years ago and through all the turmoil of addiction I never really looked at myself and what I did to myself. I have to lose 50 pounds and I finally see this-I never did before...I can't believe I have done this to myself. But now that things are calmer I can focus on this and will. For me food is a bit of an addiction and now that I don't have other crisis' to deal with I can manage it...
Mark got this 90 day coin today and is very excited. He needs me to share this excitement with him and I do. This is just the first milestone on the road to recovery, what comes next is true recovery and clear thinking. It will be interesting to see how things unfold. I also think that I will start my own 90 day count today and share this with him. Mine will be a 90 day count down to healthier diet and eating.
I guess all of the above explains why I am "all over the place" emotionally. BUT I am "all over the place" in a much different way than a year ago. I am calm, dealing with things rationally rather than emotionally and I don't feel so alone as the man I love is in recovery and we are growing together...this is a dream I always had and it is becoming a reality...
We are actually communicating with each other and building a deep relationship. There are so many things for us to tackle as a couple and we are still separate...we are learning to be interdependent and he still is in early recovery from a dreadful disease and I have to adjust my expectations accordingly.
Our 9 year wedding anniversary is in 4 days. The past few years have been complete nightmares....I pray this is a good one and the start of something beautiful and new.
SO as I said this blog is short, and a bit all over the place...It reflects the roller coaster I feel I am on and the journey of self discovery I am now beginning, along with the beginnings of a marriage I always dreamed about.
Until Later,
Hunter
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
I really need a meeting
I started my day with another regular AA meeting 7.30 every morning missing a meeting is I am told planned relapse ,yes the daily grind must continue my disease does not go away and AA is my medication!. The meeting Friday is open discussion which means group therapy with people talking about cats and dogs and partners and nothing to do with recovering from our terrible disease .If I was a total new comer and that was my first meeting I would not go back to another one but I might go back to a drink I will let the leaders know.
I know that I carried a resentment from the meeting as I did not even get to share I call it cherry picking the leaders of some of these meetings call on their friends to share even if they show up late and leave when they have dumped ,that is truly not the purpose the founders had in mind for the AA message is to be carried to other Alcoholics still suffering .
So with the weather getting bad I may not be able to get the the 5.30 but I will try I really need a meeting I never thought I would say that . The disease of alcoholism never leaves us people , they say it continues to do push up outside waiting for a moment to pounce and for some one getting complacent over 90 days that is dangerous . I know I have all the tools in place and must continue to fight as I really want recovery I must continue to work as hard on my recovery as I did on my drinking.
My wife continues to struggle with me and trust and believe me I don't blame her one bit. Time can only heal that, and proving my worth. I can only achieve a solid future if I a remain sober I know in my heart things will be fine. I have a vast amount of recovery left to work on ,my anger, resentments ,fear ,isolation ,anxiety all normal alcoholic problems not easy to deal with on a daily basis this is when I turn to AA and my sponsor I continue to remind my self that I am not alone and must not fear asking for help it is saving my life!
So it looks like I will be given a daily reprieve from alcohol as long as I follow the program ,you know when I came to the USA I did not plan this.
So the meeting did not work out to much bad weather so I returned home spoke to my sponsor and a few other drunks made dinner and watched a new HBO show called addiction . Apparently its all about the dopamine. I heard that at High Watch I also heard that I have a genetic part of the disease from parents etc frankly I think that's bullshit . I know I have become addicted to alcohol due to a number of factors and these may play a small part but if you have been putting alcohol in your system for 25 years plus, the body I think kind of gets used to it !
Any way I know their are millions of great people who think they know what caused us to become addicted and I am sure the medical world is spending millions on a quick fix happy drug,me I am sticking to AA for now .No experimenting for me I am following a proven path and I am doing it one step and one day at a time.This is from a guy who 18 months ago was given 6 hours to live suffering from double pneumonia and who's doctor said all you have to do is stop drinking!great council I drank 4 weeks after that ?some disease.
You know I had a great e-mail today from an old professor friend of mine in Cambridge England we used to be big drinkers we are members of the Ferne branker club, every weekend we would meet at the local pub Saturdays and Sundays and flip coins for rounds of drinks THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR MEMBERSHIP WAS THE DESIRE TO DRINK ! 4 FERNES AND AT LEAST 6 PINTS OF BEER . THAT WAS TO GET US WARMED UP , FOR ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT TRIED FERNE DON'T ITS LIKE ROCKET FUEL.In hindsight they were crazy times some fun but now I know what I know now it was surely the beginning of my progression into chronic alcoholism . The days I have wasted to drink are too many to count we also used to be in the James Bond club where we would do the day backwards so breakfast was dinner etc...crazy times .
I will be writing more about my big drinking days but as I am still in my first days of recovery I must be very careful not to romance alcohol and glamorize the good old days . Not smart for sobriety.
The day of meetings was not a good one but its over I did not drink today and tomorrow, weather permitting, I will get my first ever 90 day coin! I have a dozen 30 and 60 day coins but this beauty is the first 90 and I am very excited about it ! Wish me luck and I will tell more tomorrow .
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark Alcoholic.
I know that I carried a resentment from the meeting as I did not even get to share I call it cherry picking the leaders of some of these meetings call on their friends to share even if they show up late and leave when they have dumped ,that is truly not the purpose the founders had in mind for the AA message is to be carried to other Alcoholics still suffering .
So with the weather getting bad I may not be able to get the the 5.30 but I will try I really need a meeting I never thought I would say that . The disease of alcoholism never leaves us people , they say it continues to do push up outside waiting for a moment to pounce and for some one getting complacent over 90 days that is dangerous . I know I have all the tools in place and must continue to fight as I really want recovery I must continue to work as hard on my recovery as I did on my drinking.
My wife continues to struggle with me and trust and believe me I don't blame her one bit. Time can only heal that, and proving my worth. I can only achieve a solid future if I a remain sober I know in my heart things will be fine. I have a vast amount of recovery left to work on ,my anger, resentments ,fear ,isolation ,anxiety all normal alcoholic problems not easy to deal with on a daily basis this is when I turn to AA and my sponsor I continue to remind my self that I am not alone and must not fear asking for help it is saving my life!
So it looks like I will be given a daily reprieve from alcohol as long as I follow the program ,you know when I came to the USA I did not plan this.
So the meeting did not work out to much bad weather so I returned home spoke to my sponsor and a few other drunks made dinner and watched a new HBO show called addiction . Apparently its all about the dopamine. I heard that at High Watch I also heard that I have a genetic part of the disease from parents etc frankly I think that's bullshit . I know I have become addicted to alcohol due to a number of factors and these may play a small part but if you have been putting alcohol in your system for 25 years plus, the body I think kind of gets used to it !
Any way I know their are millions of great people who think they know what caused us to become addicted and I am sure the medical world is spending millions on a quick fix happy drug,me I am sticking to AA for now .No experimenting for me I am following a proven path and I am doing it one step and one day at a time.This is from a guy who 18 months ago was given 6 hours to live suffering from double pneumonia and who's doctor said all you have to do is stop drinking!great council I drank 4 weeks after that ?some disease.
You know I had a great e-mail today from an old professor friend of mine in Cambridge England we used to be big drinkers we are members of the Ferne branker club, every weekend we would meet at the local pub Saturdays and Sundays and flip coins for rounds of drinks THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR MEMBERSHIP WAS THE DESIRE TO DRINK ! 4 FERNES AND AT LEAST 6 PINTS OF BEER . THAT WAS TO GET US WARMED UP , FOR ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT TRIED FERNE DON'T ITS LIKE ROCKET FUEL.In hindsight they were crazy times some fun but now I know what I know now it was surely the beginning of my progression into chronic alcoholism . The days I have wasted to drink are too many to count we also used to be in the James Bond club where we would do the day backwards so breakfast was dinner etc...crazy times .
I will be writing more about my big drinking days but as I am still in my first days of recovery I must be very careful not to romance alcohol and glamorize the good old days . Not smart for sobriety.
The day of meetings was not a good one but its over I did not drink today and tomorrow, weather permitting, I will get my first ever 90 day coin! I have a dozen 30 and 60 day coins but this beauty is the first 90 and I am very excited about it ! Wish me luck and I will tell more tomorrow .
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark Alcoholic.
FORGIVING
Good morning,
I am going to keep my blog short as I am limited on time this morning. Mark's post yesterday "The most expensive club in the world" was really great. I am much further along in my recovery from alanon then he is in his AA program and as a result I can recognize his progress and be proud. This morning he went to his usual 7:30 am meeting and came home in a wretched mood...he did not get to share and has so very much going on . He did not want to "dump" on me but he did share. I listened, without commenting or giving advice (something I learned in Alanon) and when he was done I remarked to him how great he is doing with his recovery. I shared with him what I observed, a man feeling his feelings, expressing his anger and frustration and getting it out instead of "bottling it up"(pun intended!). I continue to look for ways to acknowledge his recovery,a s I see that my positive reinforcement goes a long way.
I am struggling internally with the issue of rebuilding trust and honesty in our relationship. I have a lot to say about this but for now I will keep it very short and write more on this tomorrow or later. A friend of mine said she could never forgive a partner if he was dishonest and lied on a habitual basis and wondered how people could find it in their heart to do so. I will say that I recognize the man I love is committed to recovering from a disgusting disease that can only be arrested, not cured. In order to recover he must commit to a program of rigorous honesty. He must learn to forgive himself and God will forgive him. If God can forgive him and he can forgive himself and he can work on being the best person he can be, in God's image, why shouldn't I? I love him and can forgive him, but together we must work on a plan to rebuild honesty and trust in this marriage. We are not yet there and it will take some time...It wears on my patience and I keep quiet about a lot of things. I know that I have to do this today as he is in recovery and can only handle a little bit one day at a time.
More later.
Hunter
I am going to keep my blog short as I am limited on time this morning. Mark's post yesterday "The most expensive club in the world" was really great. I am much further along in my recovery from alanon then he is in his AA program and as a result I can recognize his progress and be proud. This morning he went to his usual 7:30 am meeting and came home in a wretched mood...he did not get to share and has so very much going on . He did not want to "dump" on me but he did share. I listened, without commenting or giving advice (something I learned in Alanon) and when he was done I remarked to him how great he is doing with his recovery. I shared with him what I observed, a man feeling his feelings, expressing his anger and frustration and getting it out instead of "bottling it up"(pun intended!). I continue to look for ways to acknowledge his recovery,a s I see that my positive reinforcement goes a long way.
I am struggling internally with the issue of rebuilding trust and honesty in our relationship. I have a lot to say about this but for now I will keep it very short and write more on this tomorrow or later. A friend of mine said she could never forgive a partner if he was dishonest and lied on a habitual basis and wondered how people could find it in their heart to do so. I will say that I recognize the man I love is committed to recovering from a disgusting disease that can only be arrested, not cured. In order to recover he must commit to a program of rigorous honesty. He must learn to forgive himself and God will forgive him. If God can forgive him and he can forgive himself and he can work on being the best person he can be, in God's image, why shouldn't I? I love him and can forgive him, but together we must work on a plan to rebuild honesty and trust in this marriage. We are not yet there and it will take some time...It wears on my patience and I keep quiet about a lot of things. I know that I have to do this today as he is in recovery and can only handle a little bit one day at a time.
More later.
Hunter
Thursday, March 15, 2007
the most expensive club in the world for a dollar a day and this is true
Good afternoon Mark Alcoholic .
I was going to focus on the cost of joining AA. My drinking has cost me close to a million dollars over 25 years I was going to break it down and be grandiose but the fact is I must keep it real ,it now costs me 1 dollar a day today it cost me 2 dollars as I was at 2 meetings . Cheaper than re-hab .
Just returned from a step 6 meeting and that is why I want to keep it about alcohol a guy shared about the loss of his son after he was only 8 months sober his son was killed in a car accident whilst drunk and the father did not pick up! this is a true miracle and truly a higher power example I do not know if I could get through the loss of a child without drinking ,I guess that's where AA comes in.
The every day world we live in is full of ups and downs and the easy way to deal with stuff for this alcoholic has always been to drink over it good or bad . I do pray that I have been given the gift of recovery I TRULY BELIEVE MY OBSESSION HAS BEEN LIFTED I must remember at all times when not certain to return to step one. I am as close to a drink as an old timer and my life will be back in tatters if I pick up.Now I know why meetings are so important I really had know clue why I was going and why people go after so long but I am sure if I am prepared to go to any length to get sober for the rest of my life in the same way I would go to any lengths to get a drink then I have a fighting chance.
You know talk about any length to get a drink towards the end of my drinking I was definitely in denial and would do crazy stuff to drink. I would put wine in my sons baby bottle when flying and even when boarding the captain would say that apple juice looks great the baby will enjoy that well I did ! remember when a plane takes of getting that drinks cart up the isle takes time so I was always ready.
The mind of a sick alcoholic is normally that of a relatively intelligent person,intelligent? hiding alcohol in baby bottles drinking from wiper washer fluid into the car hiding booze all over the house and forgetting where you putt it and thinking people don't know . I think we all have stories of hiding alcohol and ways of getting it .
I am starting to wonder as I begin the steps why me ?that's terminal uniqueness it is not just me this decease effects, millions of people I truly believe it will be the curse of the century.
Alcohol is the most socially accepted disease in the world today. You can buy alcohol legally unlike drugs it is every where and is promoted by all the major drinks firms as sexy luxurious and great way to enjoy life . I guess for normal people ,those people out their! that's what we call them ,it is OK to drink normally I remember at a meeting a guy shared that it would be great to be able to drink like normal people a few drinks a day ! normal people don't drink ever day! alcoholics do!
I have had an average day today recovery takes time and patience, not my strong point. My thinking has to improve and I have been starting to read up on meditation and tomorrow I am going to give it a go.
I think that as the big book says that their is a solution all the slogans I guess do make sense the AA way works however I do believe you have to start to practise a new way of living this is a new life and I am starting to believe I have another chance. The damage I have done to this family and my previous life is not measurable the very fact that I am alive and still kicking is a miracle I have to remember what happens with that first drink for me its over . I may have another drink in me but I don't know if I have another recovery? I very much doubt it.
I am doing a few more normal things watching TV and having a family dinner is very enjoyable what is wrong with being normal . Feels a lot better than hiding alcohol, detoxing the shakes ,arguing and destroying those around me that I love and care about that's what alcohol does to me !today I prefer the AA way .
I will add more to my story tomorrow about how I came to America but trust me I was not sober when I came here it was the beginning of the end for me as far as drinking is concerned.
Thanks for letting me share. Mark alcoholic.
I am eternally grateful to my family my wife Hunter !an amazing human being and all my friends in AA without whom I could not do this .
I was going to focus on the cost of joining AA. My drinking has cost me close to a million dollars over 25 years I was going to break it down and be grandiose but the fact is I must keep it real ,it now costs me 1 dollar a day today it cost me 2 dollars as I was at 2 meetings . Cheaper than re-hab .
Just returned from a step 6 meeting and that is why I want to keep it about alcohol a guy shared about the loss of his son after he was only 8 months sober his son was killed in a car accident whilst drunk and the father did not pick up! this is a true miracle and truly a higher power example I do not know if I could get through the loss of a child without drinking ,I guess that's where AA comes in.
The every day world we live in is full of ups and downs and the easy way to deal with stuff for this alcoholic has always been to drink over it good or bad . I do pray that I have been given the gift of recovery I TRULY BELIEVE MY OBSESSION HAS BEEN LIFTED I must remember at all times when not certain to return to step one. I am as close to a drink as an old timer and my life will be back in tatters if I pick up.Now I know why meetings are so important I really had know clue why I was going and why people go after so long but I am sure if I am prepared to go to any length to get sober for the rest of my life in the same way I would go to any lengths to get a drink then I have a fighting chance.
You know talk about any length to get a drink towards the end of my drinking I was definitely in denial and would do crazy stuff to drink. I would put wine in my sons baby bottle when flying and even when boarding the captain would say that apple juice looks great the baby will enjoy that well I did ! remember when a plane takes of getting that drinks cart up the isle takes time so I was always ready.
The mind of a sick alcoholic is normally that of a relatively intelligent person,intelligent? hiding alcohol in baby bottles drinking from wiper washer fluid into the car hiding booze all over the house and forgetting where you putt it and thinking people don't know . I think we all have stories of hiding alcohol and ways of getting it .
I am starting to wonder as I begin the steps why me ?that's terminal uniqueness it is not just me this decease effects, millions of people I truly believe it will be the curse of the century.
Alcohol is the most socially accepted disease in the world today. You can buy alcohol legally unlike drugs it is every where and is promoted by all the major drinks firms as sexy luxurious and great way to enjoy life . I guess for normal people ,those people out their! that's what we call them ,it is OK to drink normally I remember at a meeting a guy shared that it would be great to be able to drink like normal people a few drinks a day ! normal people don't drink ever day! alcoholics do!
I have had an average day today recovery takes time and patience, not my strong point. My thinking has to improve and I have been starting to read up on meditation and tomorrow I am going to give it a go.
I think that as the big book says that their is a solution all the slogans I guess do make sense the AA way works however I do believe you have to start to practise a new way of living this is a new life and I am starting to believe I have another chance. The damage I have done to this family and my previous life is not measurable the very fact that I am alive and still kicking is a miracle I have to remember what happens with that first drink for me its over . I may have another drink in me but I don't know if I have another recovery? I very much doubt it.
I am doing a few more normal things watching TV and having a family dinner is very enjoyable what is wrong with being normal . Feels a lot better than hiding alcohol, detoxing the shakes ,arguing and destroying those around me that I love and care about that's what alcohol does to me !today I prefer the AA way .
I will add more to my story tomorrow about how I came to America but trust me I was not sober when I came here it was the beginning of the end for me as far as drinking is concerned.
Thanks for letting me share. Mark alcoholic.
I am eternally grateful to my family my wife Hunter !an amazing human being and all my friends in AA without whom I could not do this .
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
easy does it
My day started better than usual, my wife told me she loved me ,which is a simple word but it means so much to how my day starts .
I went to my regular big book meeting and we discussed the topic helping others it was really a subject about sponsorship so not that relevant to a 90 dayer however one day I will be a sponsor which is a goal for me and I can now see how it helps the sponsor stay sober it is very much part of step12 .
I was able to make a 12pm meeting a speaker meeting not great but keeps it real and then continue with my day. I have a bad cold and it is making me tired but its better than being drunk! .I am going through a waiting period for my new job based out of California I am just waiting for instructions and pay but I know it will be OK as I spoke with the Bose's son today. The financial mess is still around but I have some great friends and one in Particular is being very helpful when I can pin him down.
The other more alcohol related issue is I am thinking about my sponsor and weather I should find another . A sponsor is a very important part of recovery and he is very much a guide to your recovery and the 12 steps . My issue at present is I need a lot of positive energy for my personal recovery it is very easy to get on the pity pot and complain I find that I need to talk to my sponsor a few times a day to stay in touch about various issues that I come across every day that could put me closer to a drink and for me that is suicide .
Overall today has been OK and its OK to be OK I would like all things done now but it just does not work that way I believe their is a God and it is not me ! At my regular meeting this morning one of us told about her daughter who is in re-hab and last night somebody smuggled a full, jar of zanax into the re-hab I know little or nothing about drugs but the daughter is also an alcoholic she took many tablets and is now in the hospital ,this decease kills and the more we learn and understand our problems and get them out the more we can help save each other.
I know that I have been given a great gift and I must do what I can to save my ass and my family before I can do much for others but I believe every little helps.
I Will be writing about my time at high watch and arms acres both re-hab type places although I think high watch is far more AA and retreat like.
I remember in the first weeks of my chronic alcoholic time that going away was just not for me I did not have a problem and I will get into how it is very difficult to push an alcoholics recovery you must be ready and surrender completely if you are to have any hope of recovery and for most of us that is a critical time . What is our own bottom they are all different the only true bottom is certain death our bottoms differ for those lucky enough to be reading this it can be car recks, loss of family, serious health issues their are many bottoms I have heard about I just know none of us came to AA on the wings of victory !
I want to tell more about me my story whilst protecting my anonymity.
I was born in the UK and my father was a truck driver and my mother an Irish gypsy adopted twice ? I think today my mother is an alcoholic in denial I also believe my father has had a drinking problem in their past but I cant say for sure he is alcoholic but when you have had pancritates In guess something is going on.
My up bringing was working class I have two brothers I was the sporty one . We moved around the UK as my fathers career grew and he became a very successful manager as he made more money I guess we started to move in different circles . I am not well more tomorrow.
I went to my regular big book meeting and we discussed the topic helping others it was really a subject about sponsorship so not that relevant to a 90 dayer however one day I will be a sponsor which is a goal for me and I can now see how it helps the sponsor stay sober it is very much part of step12 .
I was able to make a 12pm meeting a speaker meeting not great but keeps it real and then continue with my day. I have a bad cold and it is making me tired but its better than being drunk! .I am going through a waiting period for my new job based out of California I am just waiting for instructions and pay but I know it will be OK as I spoke with the Bose's son today. The financial mess is still around but I have some great friends and one in Particular is being very helpful when I can pin him down.
The other more alcohol related issue is I am thinking about my sponsor and weather I should find another . A sponsor is a very important part of recovery and he is very much a guide to your recovery and the 12 steps . My issue at present is I need a lot of positive energy for my personal recovery it is very easy to get on the pity pot and complain I find that I need to talk to my sponsor a few times a day to stay in touch about various issues that I come across every day that could put me closer to a drink and for me that is suicide .
Overall today has been OK and its OK to be OK I would like all things done now but it just does not work that way I believe their is a God and it is not me ! At my regular meeting this morning one of us told about her daughter who is in re-hab and last night somebody smuggled a full, jar of zanax into the re-hab I know little or nothing about drugs but the daughter is also an alcoholic she took many tablets and is now in the hospital ,this decease kills and the more we learn and understand our problems and get them out the more we can help save each other.
I know that I have been given a great gift and I must do what I can to save my ass and my family before I can do much for others but I believe every little helps.
I Will be writing about my time at high watch and arms acres both re-hab type places although I think high watch is far more AA and retreat like.
I remember in the first weeks of my chronic alcoholic time that going away was just not for me I did not have a problem and I will get into how it is very difficult to push an alcoholics recovery you must be ready and surrender completely if you are to have any hope of recovery and for most of us that is a critical time . What is our own bottom they are all different the only true bottom is certain death our bottoms differ for those lucky enough to be reading this it can be car recks, loss of family, serious health issues their are many bottoms I have heard about I just know none of us came to AA on the wings of victory !
I want to tell more about me my story whilst protecting my anonymity.
I was born in the UK and my father was a truck driver and my mother an Irish gypsy adopted twice ? I think today my mother is an alcoholic in denial I also believe my father has had a drinking problem in their past but I cant say for sure he is alcoholic but when you have had pancritates In guess something is going on.
My up bringing was working class I have two brothers I was the sporty one . We moved around the UK as my fathers career grew and he became a very successful manager as he made more money I guess we started to move in different circles . I am not well more tomorrow.
CHARACTER AND KINDNESS
Kindness has been a big part of my day today. After reading today's thought for the day from Hazelden (see end of this posting) I understand that kindness and character are intertwined.
Today the I have participated in the following acts of kindness and character:
I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to my husband was I love you. My husband is doing well in his sobriety but he not yet 90 days and he is in early recovery. It does take time and I am incredibly frustrated. Telling him all the things he does wrong does not help his recovery. I am grateful everyday he does not drink and our lives are better as a result. Starting his day knowing that I love him made a big difference to him as he is someone who is using all his energy to stay sober (a ridiculous notion for those of us who are not alcoholics).
I have learned a lot of humility as a result of this illness and suffered tremendous loss. Financially our life is a wreck and we can not pay our heating bill. We qualified for energy assistance but we have a contract with a provider that does participate. Kindness is the town we live in and humility is the ability to ask for help when you need it. The town offers a warm up program and by the grace of G-d authorized a delivery of fuel to our home today. I can not even begin to explain all the other acts of kindness our town has extended to us suffice to say that we live in a wonderful place and I pray we can stay here.
Kindness is what I wrote about yesterday for an article about Alzheimer's disease, which my mother is in the latest stages of. I wrote about patience, love, and understanding, and treating each person afflicted with this disease as an individual. I wrote about all the wonderful things I have done with and for my mom throughout the progression of her disease and about the dignity this has given her as all their memories and life fade away.
Character is having the humility to do whatever it takes to get a job and reaching out. Today I have done this in many ways I never dreamed I would ever have to. But I did and pray it makes a difference.
Character and Kindness are intertwined and those of us who work on our character daily are blessed with the ability to extend kindness to ourselves and others, recognize, be grateful, and acknowledge kindness in others and over all become better people.
I have done a lot of work on my character over the past 8 years living with active alcoholism and now in recovery. I am becoming everyday a better person one day at a time.
I will share with you today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org :
Fame is what you have taken. Character is what you give. When to this truth you waken, then you begin to live.--Bayard Taylor
Long-timers continually tell newcomers to strive to build a strong character for use in facing the world's realities. Sometimes they leave the impression that character is what others think about us. But the opinion others have about us is not important. Character is what we are, not what others think we are.We are not born with character. It is developed through patience and much humility. It is what we are in the dark. Our character is revealed by an outer show of an inner glow. It is our reserve force for living. It is more useful than talent and shows itself best during our contact with others.Today, I'll remember my character can be a force that respects truth, develops will and spirit, accents positive action, and makes all of these assets evident to other people.
Today the I have participated in the following acts of kindness and character:
I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to my husband was I love you. My husband is doing well in his sobriety but he not yet 90 days and he is in early recovery. It does take time and I am incredibly frustrated. Telling him all the things he does wrong does not help his recovery. I am grateful everyday he does not drink and our lives are better as a result. Starting his day knowing that I love him made a big difference to him as he is someone who is using all his energy to stay sober (a ridiculous notion for those of us who are not alcoholics).
I have learned a lot of humility as a result of this illness and suffered tremendous loss. Financially our life is a wreck and we can not pay our heating bill. We qualified for energy assistance but we have a contract with a provider that does participate. Kindness is the town we live in and humility is the ability to ask for help when you need it. The town offers a warm up program and by the grace of G-d authorized a delivery of fuel to our home today. I can not even begin to explain all the other acts of kindness our town has extended to us suffice to say that we live in a wonderful place and I pray we can stay here.
Kindness is what I wrote about yesterday for an article about Alzheimer's disease, which my mother is in the latest stages of. I wrote about patience, love, and understanding, and treating each person afflicted with this disease as an individual. I wrote about all the wonderful things I have done with and for my mom throughout the progression of her disease and about the dignity this has given her as all their memories and life fade away.
Character is having the humility to do whatever it takes to get a job and reaching out. Today I have done this in many ways I never dreamed I would ever have to. But I did and pray it makes a difference.
Character and Kindness are intertwined and those of us who work on our character daily are blessed with the ability to extend kindness to ourselves and others, recognize, be grateful, and acknowledge kindness in others and over all become better people.
I have done a lot of work on my character over the past 8 years living with active alcoholism and now in recovery. I am becoming everyday a better person one day at a time.
I will share with you today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org :
Fame is what you have taken. Character is what you give. When to this truth you waken, then you begin to live.--Bayard Taylor
Long-timers continually tell newcomers to strive to build a strong character for use in facing the world's realities. Sometimes they leave the impression that character is what others think about us. But the opinion others have about us is not important. Character is what we are, not what others think we are.We are not born with character. It is developed through patience and much humility. It is what we are in the dark. Our character is revealed by an outer show of an inner glow. It is our reserve force for living. It is more useful than talent and shows itself best during our contact with others.Today, I'll remember my character can be a force that respects truth, develops will and spirit, accents positive action, and makes all of these assets evident to other people.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
enough is enough
I wonder when it will stop . I have been to three AA meetings today one was the first I have ever spoken at ,my home group a speaker meeting I told my storey which I will write tomorrow. I want to spend time explaining in more detail how the day unfolded ,and I will need to finish this tomorrow I am just tired.
I will just list the days events , Speaker meeting 7.30
home for a while
lunch time meeting 12pm
call from wife urgent I get my urine tested ,that's all messed up I will explain more later
5.30 meeting big book for only half an hour
driver education will explain more later
home more aggro I am not handling my anger well but after a day like today enough is enough already.
I know my wife loves me but I need some time to reflect I have to stay sober no matter what and I still am not sure ?she believes it is still very early recovery I have been drinking for close to 25 years I am not going to be a miracle in 90 days I can only do my best one day at a time .So tomorrow I will cover all these new areas of early recover I heard that a guy slipped after 32 years he said he was counting years and forgot about counting days! another member committed suicide after 59 days back this disease kills alcoholics ! we must be vigilant and work our program if we are to achieve another day of sobriety.
I really want to say more tonight but I know it will just make more sense if I get good rest and awake in a better frame of mind .
Mark alcoholic.
I will just list the days events , Speaker meeting 7.30
home for a while
lunch time meeting 12pm
call from wife urgent I get my urine tested ,that's all messed up I will explain more later
5.30 meeting big book for only half an hour
driver education will explain more later
home more aggro I am not handling my anger well but after a day like today enough is enough already.
I know my wife loves me but I need some time to reflect I have to stay sober no matter what and I still am not sure ?she believes it is still very early recovery I have been drinking for close to 25 years I am not going to be a miracle in 90 days I can only do my best one day at a time .So tomorrow I will cover all these new areas of early recover I heard that a guy slipped after 32 years he said he was counting years and forgot about counting days! another member committed suicide after 59 days back this disease kills alcoholics ! we must be vigilant and work our program if we are to achieve another day of sobriety.
I really want to say more tonight but I know it will just make more sense if I get good rest and awake in a better frame of mind .
Mark alcoholic.
Monday, March 12, 2007
EFFECT OF ALCOHOLISM AND RECOVERY ON CHILDREN
DCF (Department of Children's and Family Services) was here yesterday to visit our family as part of an ongoing follow up to an investigation which found my husband neglectful of our child. This is the third time we have had DCF involved in our family affairs and it will be last as I will never expose our son to alcoholism or unacceptable behavior in the home ever again...and I know that my husband, his father, does not want this either. With all of his energy my husband is focusing on his sobriety. Not drinking, attending AA meetings, surrounding himself with a support network of sober friends, and working the AA steps is the only way he will do this. And the rewards of this are much better than anything a drink could provide.
The chaos and crazy behavior caused by alcoholism, as well as the financial strain is very stressful for our child who lives at home. He has been through so very much in these past few years, and he too is in recovery. We are lucky that he has an exceptional temperament and is a basically happy kid. We are also blessed to live in a community where there is amazing support for him in the schools and the town. I was unsure about letting the school know what was going on starting two years ago. I finally did the right thing and sent a note to the school and set up a meeting with the school principal, teacher, and psychiatrist. My husband was forbidden to pick up our son from school and our son started weekly sessions with the school psychologist. This was one of the best things I did for our boy and it helped him greatly get through that period of time with good self esteem. The psychologist also gave our son an amazing education about alcoholism and at the tender age of 8 years old our son was able to separate the person from the disease and understand what was going on. This is truly not what an 8 year old should have to deal with and many would not have chosen to teach such a young child about alcoholism but in our case I know it was the right thing.
So many thoughts are dancing in my head right now regarding moving out of the home and living in a shelter, moving back and asking my husband to leave, and so much more, way too painful to write down and remember. During this time period our son had trouble concentrating and doing well in school, he tested below average in most areas on academic tests, cried when he went to baseball and basketball practice and games because he did not have a daddy who played ball with him or came to the games (and the few times that he did embarrassed him because he was drunk and caused a scene). I had to function in so many areas and was so overwhelmed that I could not hold down a job as I too could not focus and be responsible for working 40 hours a week. There was too much chaos in the home for me to check my problems at the door.
That is where we were...Today with recovery in our home and recovery as a family there is "progress not perfection" (an AA and Alanon slogan). The progress has made all the difference in our child's life. He is concentrating and doing well in school and performing well on standardized tests. Instead of escaping to his room and fearing what might happen, he enjoys a family dinner-the three of us, conversation, a peaceful environment to read and do homework in, and after dinner family activity and snuggles. Last night we sat by a fire, watched a movie together, had dinner, and worked on a puzzle. Our son remarked "Life is Good...So good now that dad is sober"
Today I pray that recovery continues in our home one day at a time and that G-d is with all of us guiding us on our respective paths. I have much rebuilding to for myself and now, like our son, have the peace to make it happen.
-Hunter
Sunday, March 11, 2007
THE FAMILY PERSPECTIVE: STAYING TOGETHER IN RECOVERY TAKES PATIENCE
I recently watched the story about Bob Woodruff's recovery from an insurgent bomb attack in Iraq that tore off part of his skull. He was in a coma for 36 days and when he woke up he could not remember any of the 50 states or the existence of this 6 year old twin daughters. He had trouble with his speech and finding the right words for things. Now, a little over a year later he is back reporting, not in the same capacity as before, but he is a survivor and a miracle.
While what happened to Mr. Woodruff was an accident, I reminded of the patience it takes to recover from any serious illness or accident.
I have so much anger and resentment about Mark's disease of alcoholism, the horrible things alcoholics do to their families, and the many losses we have had as a result. I struggle a lot with letting go of this and trying to understand how difficult recovery is for Mark, or any alcoholic. I struggle with compassion and kindness and feel badly that I do not give enough of this to Mark.
Recovery from alcoholism is not so terribly different from Mr. Woodruff's experience. I doubt an alcoholic would choose their disease if they knew the devastation, loss, pain, and possible death it
would cause them... and of course, once they take their first drink they are off to the races.
Unlike Mr. Woodruff, my husband has been in a coma for close to 10,950 days (30 years), not 36 days. When my husband awoke from his coma, he too could not find the right words to express things as he was afraid of the truth (addiction turns most pure and wonderful souls into chronic liars). During his first 90 days of sobriety I have watched him slowly recover and begin to learn new behaviors and ways of coping one day at a time. Like Mr. Woodruff, tremendous courage, faith, dedication, and hard work will help him recover and have an even more amazing life, learning from his experience and sharing his strength and hope with others suffering from similar problems.
When I look at my husband's recovery from this perspective, and really listen and observe him struggle with his recovery I become a better person. Someone full of compassion and understanding able to show him the love he so desperately needs. I am also able to find the words to say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean....words which help establish healthy boundaries and resolve relationship issues such as trust and honesty that have been buried by active alcoholism. This actually happened today with respect to our finances.
Mr. Woodruff's recovery is a miracle and so is my husband's recovery. I pray that G-d helps me to continue to find compassion and understanding for Mark, who is really working hard on his recovery. I pray I remember that recovery takes time and practice and that things do not happen overnight. I also pray that G-d gives me the strength and courage to find the right words to express my feelings, establish boundaries, not accept unacceptable behavior, and work toward a truthful and honest relationship with a wonderful man, who I fell in love with several years ago, had a child with, an hope to have a wonderful sober life with.
Before I close I thought I would share Today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org
"Change of scene has no effect upon unconscious conflicts.--Edmund Bergler, M.D.There's no running away from the internal strife. Whatever haunts us must finally be confronted and resolved if we're ever to grow and thus contribute to our world its due. When we keep secrets locked away, the secrets begin to keep us locked away as well.It is folly, and yet entirely human, to think a new location, a new job, a new lover will cure whatever troubles us. The truth is, however, that whatever trips us up is at the same time trying to edge us forward to new awareness, and thus the next level of growth. Our troubles are tools for a strengthened foundation. Without them, we'd soon crumble.When we consider the conflicts we encounter as opportunities for further development, they excite us rather than provoke anxiety. Changing our perspective can make the same scene appear quite new. "
Until Tomorrow,
Hunter
P.S. Disclaimer: I hope that this comparison has not upset anyone. It is merely my opinion, reflections, and thoughts. Some might find this an unrealistic comparison and I sorry if they feel this way. For me it is a powerful comparison and one that helped me find the compassion I need to be kind and loving.
While what happened to Mr. Woodruff was an accident, I reminded of the patience it takes to recover from any serious illness or accident.
I have so much anger and resentment about Mark's disease of alcoholism, the horrible things alcoholics do to their families, and the many losses we have had as a result. I struggle a lot with letting go of this and trying to understand how difficult recovery is for Mark, or any alcoholic. I struggle with compassion and kindness and feel badly that I do not give enough of this to Mark.
Recovery from alcoholism is not so terribly different from Mr. Woodruff's experience. I doubt an alcoholic would choose their disease if they knew the devastation, loss, pain, and possible death it
would cause them... and of course, once they take their first drink they are off to the races.
Unlike Mr. Woodruff, my husband has been in a coma for close to 10,950 days (30 years), not 36 days. When my husband awoke from his coma, he too could not find the right words to express things as he was afraid of the truth (addiction turns most pure and wonderful souls into chronic liars). During his first 90 days of sobriety I have watched him slowly recover and begin to learn new behaviors and ways of coping one day at a time. Like Mr. Woodruff, tremendous courage, faith, dedication, and hard work will help him recover and have an even more amazing life, learning from his experience and sharing his strength and hope with others suffering from similar problems.
When I look at my husband's recovery from this perspective, and really listen and observe him struggle with his recovery I become a better person. Someone full of compassion and understanding able to show him the love he so desperately needs. I am also able to find the words to say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean....words which help establish healthy boundaries and resolve relationship issues such as trust and honesty that have been buried by active alcoholism. This actually happened today with respect to our finances.
Mr. Woodruff's recovery is a miracle and so is my husband's recovery. I pray that G-d helps me to continue to find compassion and understanding for Mark, who is really working hard on his recovery. I pray I remember that recovery takes time and practice and that things do not happen overnight. I also pray that G-d gives me the strength and courage to find the right words to express my feelings, establish boundaries, not accept unacceptable behavior, and work toward a truthful and honest relationship with a wonderful man, who I fell in love with several years ago, had a child with, an hope to have a wonderful sober life with.
Before I close I thought I would share Today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org
"Change of scene has no effect upon unconscious conflicts.--Edmund Bergler, M.D.There's no running away from the internal strife. Whatever haunts us must finally be confronted and resolved if we're ever to grow and thus contribute to our world its due. When we keep secrets locked away, the secrets begin to keep us locked away as well.It is folly, and yet entirely human, to think a new location, a new job, a new lover will cure whatever troubles us. The truth is, however, that whatever trips us up is at the same time trying to edge us forward to new awareness, and thus the next level of growth. Our troubles are tools for a strengthened foundation. Without them, we'd soon crumble.When we consider the conflicts we encounter as opportunities for further development, they excite us rather than provoke anxiety. Changing our perspective can make the same scene appear quite new. "
Until Tomorrow,
Hunter
P.S. Disclaimer: I hope that this comparison has not upset anyone. It is merely my opinion, reflections, and thoughts. Some might find this an unrealistic comparison and I sorry if they feel this way. For me it is a powerful comparison and one that helped me find the compassion I need to be kind and loving.
A GOOD WEEKEND
I made it through the weekend!I have been to focused on the 90 day thing but have decided to just continue the way I have. Staying away from the first drink is very hard but I am told it well get better. I do not obsess over drinking which is a great step and I always have my meetings and reminders of my past to think about should my mind begin to wonder.
My wife has been terrific I know and realise it is very hard to live in recovery life is not a bed of roses and she has been understanding . I have many character defects to correct and this will take time and great effort . Like most AAs I want full life, recovery and my life back now! It just does not work like that time is a great healer and my partner has been just amazing.
I have been to 3 meetings this weekend a beginners meeting a step meeting and open discussion on Sunday early .It is great to start the day sober and not with a pillow over my head and a hangover . You really can see ;life through a( new pair of glasses )we will add that book to our list for you to read it was very helpful to me.
I Have a lot of damage to repair from my past I have two daughters I have not seen in 2 years a very tough relationship with my direct family and I have lost some dear friends. I have also lost my best friend alcohol ALTHOUGH I DON'T MISS HIM AS MUCH !
Learning to live without mind altering substance in your life truly starts the beginning of getting to know who you really are, we use to self medicate to hide our feelings drown our sorrows and loose our self in an unreal world.
It is very hard for me to terms with what I have done and all I have lost ,but I am an eternal optimist I have to be ,I have to believe that my life will get better ,I have to believe things happen for a reason . I was always and still am a guy with the glass half full only without booze this time.
I am truly tired tonight and will write a full day tomorrow .I go to bed knowing I was given another day free from alcohol and able to function like a normal human being I will say my three prayers and ask God as I understand him to help me continue to climb the mountain tomorrow as I learn to live a new life as a grateful recovering alcoholic.
Mark H.
My wife has been terrific I know and realise it is very hard to live in recovery life is not a bed of roses and she has been understanding . I have many character defects to correct and this will take time and great effort . Like most AAs I want full life, recovery and my life back now! It just does not work like that time is a great healer and my partner has been just amazing.
I have been to 3 meetings this weekend a beginners meeting a step meeting and open discussion on Sunday early .It is great to start the day sober and not with a pillow over my head and a hangover . You really can see ;life through a( new pair of glasses )we will add that book to our list for you to read it was very helpful to me.
I Have a lot of damage to repair from my past I have two daughters I have not seen in 2 years a very tough relationship with my direct family and I have lost some dear friends. I have also lost my best friend alcohol ALTHOUGH I DON'T MISS HIM AS MUCH !
Learning to live without mind altering substance in your life truly starts the beginning of getting to know who you really are, we use to self medicate to hide our feelings drown our sorrows and loose our self in an unreal world.
It is very hard for me to terms with what I have done and all I have lost ,but I am an eternal optimist I have to be ,I have to believe that my life will get better ,I have to believe things happen for a reason . I was always and still am a guy with the glass half full only without booze this time.
I am truly tired tonight and will write a full day tomorrow .I go to bed knowing I was given another day free from alcohol and able to function like a normal human being I will say my three prayers and ask God as I understand him to help me continue to climb the mountain tomorrow as I learn to live a new life as a grateful recovering alcoholic.
Mark H.
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