Hello again from Hunter. Very short blog today. Yesterday's blog from me reflected my true feelings. I almost deleted it rather than publishing it as I thought it might hurt or make Mark angry. Instead he had the capacity to read it and really understand it. When I came home this evening he gave me a big hug and said "wow you really do love me"! YUP I do.
That's all for today. Will write again after Mark does, as that is the point of this blog...BOTH our perspectives on recovery...not just mine.
P.S. Sidebar-most partners of alcoholics really do love them and the hardest part about this disease is that very few are able to get the gift of sobriety and without it recovery as a family and as a marriage is impossible. And while many partners move forward with their lives, the hurt and sadness and wreckage caused by this disease lingers.....
Friday, June 15, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
PUSH
Hello from Hunter. I did not blog for a few days so Mark could catch up. I think today's blog will focus on the phrase PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens).
Re: Me I am doing OK. Had a great job interview yesterday and have been invited back to meet more people next week. Also thinking about enrolling for a degree or certificate in Ecommerce-I qualified for a scholarship. I am exercising and watching my diet and actively practicing detachment. I must get the house in order so that it can be put on the market and will have to work on that this weekend. This makes me really sad but I have no choice, unless a miracle happens like getting this job, winning lotto, or some other windfall. I also stood up for myself and made a career choice for myself that took me out of desperation mode. I had interviewed for an open position at the place I work part time..The salary was less than I made 25 years ago in salary and even though I have been working at the company part time for past 6 months I was told I would not be eligible for benefits for another 3 months. I also realized that I would be incredibly micro-managed and chose to withdraw my candidacy. It is not the right opportunity for me, I would be miserable, and the money was not good at all-even after commissions. I am proud of myself for making the right choice for me.
As for my relationship with Mark it is not good today. I love Mark so very much and am so grateful for his sobriety. He has six months today and I am so proud of him. I am proud of how he is working his recovery and I recognize the progress he is making. However, it is really tough for me to deal with his anger and the "ism's" that still exist.
Mark is currently suffering from a severe case of stinkin thinkin!
He tends to run from everyone and everything and verbalizes his lack of commitment to this marriage and how much he hates living here, and how he wants to leave and be on his own etc...After what me and this family has been through during the active drinking days this kind of talk really hurts. He continues to lie about small and big things and I am not sure that he believes that lying is wrong.
One minute he is angry with his sponsor and then the next minute his sponsor is the greatest....No one wants to hire him, and any job offers he does have always seem to fall through the cracks....He has dipped into my bank account, which I have deliberatly kept separate, and overdrawn it so that there is no money, after paychecks are deposited, until the next pay cycle. He even cashed a check for $250 that was sent to our son as a gift....This too he tried to rationalize by saying he did it to take care of his family...NO WAY..Lying is wrong and I am concerned that he does not think it is.
I wrestle with boundaries and what to do...I love this man so very much and I know he is really working his recovery and trying so hard. I know he is dealing with things rather than drinking and I know he is getting better. I want to be compassionate and loving..BUT he uses me as his whipping post. He yells at me and blames me for his problems and he lies to me-even though he is now sober.
I do not want to let go of our relationship, I want to rebuild it and I know that I must be patient while he confronts the demons of his past...But Mark has to want this as well and commit to rigorous honesty. I can not do this on my own. It pains me to see how angry and frustrated he is and I pray that he is learning a new way of living and dealing with life....
In meantime I must focus on not falling apart myself, taking care of our son, holding together whatever I can, and praying for guidance and patience....I have an abundance of patience and forgiveness and a lot of love to offer Mark...as does our son..But I can not tolerate any more lying or rationalizing...Mark's disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I believe it is testing him to push the limits and perhaps he will not recover as long as I stay with him. Again, I must pray as we are kindred spirits in so very many ways and we truly belong together.
Mark is a sweet soul and a very special person....So I will pray for him, pray for our marriage, and for our family. I so very much want to be a family in recovery together and know how good it can be.
Hunter
Re: Me I am doing OK. Had a great job interview yesterday and have been invited back to meet more people next week. Also thinking about enrolling for a degree or certificate in Ecommerce-I qualified for a scholarship. I am exercising and watching my diet and actively practicing detachment. I must get the house in order so that it can be put on the market and will have to work on that this weekend. This makes me really sad but I have no choice, unless a miracle happens like getting this job, winning lotto, or some other windfall. I also stood up for myself and made a career choice for myself that took me out of desperation mode. I had interviewed for an open position at the place I work part time..The salary was less than I made 25 years ago in salary and even though I have been working at the company part time for past 6 months I was told I would not be eligible for benefits for another 3 months. I also realized that I would be incredibly micro-managed and chose to withdraw my candidacy. It is not the right opportunity for me, I would be miserable, and the money was not good at all-even after commissions. I am proud of myself for making the right choice for me.
As for my relationship with Mark it is not good today. I love Mark so very much and am so grateful for his sobriety. He has six months today and I am so proud of him. I am proud of how he is working his recovery and I recognize the progress he is making. However, it is really tough for me to deal with his anger and the "ism's" that still exist.
Mark is currently suffering from a severe case of stinkin thinkin!
He tends to run from everyone and everything and verbalizes his lack of commitment to this marriage and how much he hates living here, and how he wants to leave and be on his own etc...After what me and this family has been through during the active drinking days this kind of talk really hurts. He continues to lie about small and big things and I am not sure that he believes that lying is wrong.
One minute he is angry with his sponsor and then the next minute his sponsor is the greatest....No one wants to hire him, and any job offers he does have always seem to fall through the cracks....He has dipped into my bank account, which I have deliberatly kept separate, and overdrawn it so that there is no money, after paychecks are deposited, until the next pay cycle. He even cashed a check for $250 that was sent to our son as a gift....This too he tried to rationalize by saying he did it to take care of his family...NO WAY..Lying is wrong and I am concerned that he does not think it is.
I wrestle with boundaries and what to do...I love this man so very much and I know he is really working his recovery and trying so hard. I know he is dealing with things rather than drinking and I know he is getting better. I want to be compassionate and loving..BUT he uses me as his whipping post. He yells at me and blames me for his problems and he lies to me-even though he is now sober.
I do not want to let go of our relationship, I want to rebuild it and I know that I must be patient while he confronts the demons of his past...But Mark has to want this as well and commit to rigorous honesty. I can not do this on my own. It pains me to see how angry and frustrated he is and I pray that he is learning a new way of living and dealing with life....
In meantime I must focus on not falling apart myself, taking care of our son, holding together whatever I can, and praying for guidance and patience....I have an abundance of patience and forgiveness and a lot of love to offer Mark...as does our son..But I can not tolerate any more lying or rationalizing...Mark's disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I believe it is testing him to push the limits and perhaps he will not recover as long as I stay with him. Again, I must pray as we are kindred spirits in so very many ways and we truly belong together.
Mark is a sweet soul and a very special person....So I will pray for him, pray for our marriage, and for our family. I so very much want to be a family in recovery together and know how good it can be.
Hunter
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
dont quit before the miracle
MARK ALCOHOLIC.
Time goes on and time takes time. What the hell does it all mean? I had no intention of being in this AA thing ten years ago and I don't know if I belong today. The problem with the alcoholic mind is that we believe one day we will be able to return to normal drinking ! And the more time you get the more you think that is possible.
The purpose of my AA training, I will call it training, is that I must continue to crush that theory one day at a time. I have not met anyone who has returned to safe normal drinking. In fact there is a picture of Dr Bob and Bill Wilson with a blank space in the middle reserved for the first person that does return to normal drinking. It has never been filled.
This is silly talk I will never be able to drink as normal people do. I am having ups and downs and I am told by my sponsor I am where I am supposed to be, not drinking, going to meetings, and going broke? !!
I am now starting to question some of the wisdom. I must work for my continued sobriety as well as to take care of my family. I will keep you posted as I continue the efforts it has been frustrating so far but it will get better.
I am not big on its in Gods hands, pass it over, let it go...I think the program can be contradictory because then I am told this is a program of action !
Anyway I am not going to Analyze anymore I am just going to move on.
I have been to three meetings today. The lunch time meeting was wild. it was a speaker meeting. A priest who I know told the most amazing story which I will not get into. It was not sexual but just when you thought you had heard it all ,WOW ,what a disease! Also at the meeting was a very famous actor. As I said yesterday this disease takes no prisoners and effects anybody no matter who you are.
I am alone tonight with my son as my wife is running an Alanon meeting. I am very proud of her for that. She is very tired as she was up early for a good job interview in the city. I am sure she will keep you all posted that's her stuff. She really deserves a break!.
So tomorrow I will start my day with a big book meeting and then start more job searching ,dealing with the daily chores of recovery and try hard to stay centered. Recovery is tough as alcohol is everywhere. I continue to learn daily about why this alcoholic must stay away from the first drink and I must stay vigilant or I am done for .
Remember you only have to do this one day at a time !
GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.
MARK ALCOHOLIC.
Time goes on and time takes time. What the hell does it all mean? I had no intention of being in this AA thing ten years ago and I don't know if I belong today. The problem with the alcoholic mind is that we believe one day we will be able to return to normal drinking ! And the more time you get the more you think that is possible.
The purpose of my AA training, I will call it training, is that I must continue to crush that theory one day at a time. I have not met anyone who has returned to safe normal drinking. In fact there is a picture of Dr Bob and Bill Wilson with a blank space in the middle reserved for the first person that does return to normal drinking. It has never been filled.
This is silly talk I will never be able to drink as normal people do. I am having ups and downs and I am told by my sponsor I am where I am supposed to be, not drinking, going to meetings, and going broke? !!
I am now starting to question some of the wisdom. I must work for my continued sobriety as well as to take care of my family. I will keep you posted as I continue the efforts it has been frustrating so far but it will get better.
I am not big on its in Gods hands, pass it over, let it go...I think the program can be contradictory because then I am told this is a program of action !
Anyway I am not going to Analyze anymore I am just going to move on.
I have been to three meetings today. The lunch time meeting was wild. it was a speaker meeting. A priest who I know told the most amazing story which I will not get into. It was not sexual but just when you thought you had heard it all ,WOW ,what a disease! Also at the meeting was a very famous actor. As I said yesterday this disease takes no prisoners and effects anybody no matter who you are.
I am alone tonight with my son as my wife is running an Alanon meeting. I am very proud of her for that. She is very tired as she was up early for a good job interview in the city. I am sure she will keep you all posted that's her stuff. She really deserves a break!.
So tomorrow I will start my day with a big book meeting and then start more job searching ,dealing with the daily chores of recovery and try hard to stay centered. Recovery is tough as alcohol is everywhere. I continue to learn daily about why this alcoholic must stay away from the first drink and I must stay vigilant or I am done for .
Remember you only have to do this one day at a time !
GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.
MARK ALCOHOLIC.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
King baby
Mark alcoholic,
It has been a strange day for me today and boy have I been acting out. But I have also been to a lot of meetings ,thank God!
The disease wants us all to drink. I used to think that was total rubbish. I now know differently. I have seen yet another friend drink after 13 years...what a disaster! We all today, if we did not pick up, have been sober today for the first time together on June 12Th 2007 !
I started my day with my regular movie star meeting at 7.30. My real alcoholic friends who do not go to this one call it the Rolex meeting. Let me tell you something I know for a fact this disease does not care what you wear, what house you live in, or how much money you have. Alcoholism effects us all just the same.
I was asked to speak at a lunch time meeting today. I checked with my sponsor and he told me to go it as it is great for my recovery. I have spoken before and I really enjoy it. Today I spoke at a meeting I used to go to when I was actively drinking. The meeting was full of old timers with great wisdom but the underlying topic when I share is simple denial! Some old timers are very emphatic about the fact that the first drink gets you drunk. It is almost impossible for non alcoholics to understand but it is the obsession/compulsion that will set in with that first drink that kills you. And if I don't stay vigilant it will get me any time.
Later in the day I went to another meeting and the topic was being uncomfortable in sobriety. Everyone in recovery has to learn to live with a new set of tools and beliefs. I know for today I am doing the right thing. I do have a tremendous amount of work to do on myself. A friend of mine in town tells me often that the biggest battle I will fight and may never win is the one with myself!
I will continue to blog and for those of you that are kind enough to comment I want you to know that your comments really help me to continue blogging. At the lunch time meeting a mate of mine said I would make a great intervention expert. Maybe one day but I think for now I will continue intervening myself! Right now I have enough to do. Of course if any one wants help with 12 step work I will be always available as I can now see how it keeps me sober to help other alcoholics.
Every day brings new challenges and many problems but the bottom line is the issues will still be there drunk or sober at least sober you are aware of them and able to deal on a sober basis to the best of your ability.
I still remain very optimistic about the future if I continue to take my recovery very seriously I am going to know a whole new life and way of living. What a gift to be able to truly live again free from the bondage of alcohol and to start to be able to deal with life on life's terms.
I am still acting out a lot and put my wife through hell. I really don't mean to. It is not me, it is my disease. My son calls it my dark side and I really hate it. I am a kind loving guy and I am emerging from a life threatening disease. My memories are clearer and my resentments towards alcohol and must be lifted. Resentments are a serious relapse problem and we don't want that do we!
What truly keeps me going is faith, determination, the program, and the fellowship of AA. I TRULY HOPE THIS BLOG IS HELPING OTHERS IT CERTAINLY HELPS ME ! My guys in AA don't like that I blog. They think it is a dangerous place, this information highway. But I choose do this. I am not doctor Phil but I would be more than happy to go on TV and breach my anonymity to discuss the disease and share all I have learned. It would be my pleasure to let the world know how serious this epidemic is and that there is a daily reprieve, not a cure, with AA. So I am going to keep coming, keep blogging, and start living, one day at a time! .
Thanks for letting me back into whatever part of recovery you or your family and friends are going through and remember we are all worth it!
All the best ,until tomorrow.
Mark alcoholic.
It has been a strange day for me today and boy have I been acting out. But I have also been to a lot of meetings ,thank God!
The disease wants us all to drink. I used to think that was total rubbish. I now know differently. I have seen yet another friend drink after 13 years...what a disaster! We all today, if we did not pick up, have been sober today for the first time together on June 12Th 2007 !
I started my day with my regular movie star meeting at 7.30. My real alcoholic friends who do not go to this one call it the Rolex meeting. Let me tell you something I know for a fact this disease does not care what you wear, what house you live in, or how much money you have. Alcoholism effects us all just the same.
I was asked to speak at a lunch time meeting today. I checked with my sponsor and he told me to go it as it is great for my recovery. I have spoken before and I really enjoy it. Today I spoke at a meeting I used to go to when I was actively drinking. The meeting was full of old timers with great wisdom but the underlying topic when I share is simple denial! Some old timers are very emphatic about the fact that the first drink gets you drunk. It is almost impossible for non alcoholics to understand but it is the obsession/compulsion that will set in with that first drink that kills you. And if I don't stay vigilant it will get me any time.
Later in the day I went to another meeting and the topic was being uncomfortable in sobriety. Everyone in recovery has to learn to live with a new set of tools and beliefs. I know for today I am doing the right thing. I do have a tremendous amount of work to do on myself. A friend of mine in town tells me often that the biggest battle I will fight and may never win is the one with myself!
I will continue to blog and for those of you that are kind enough to comment I want you to know that your comments really help me to continue blogging. At the lunch time meeting a mate of mine said I would make a great intervention expert. Maybe one day but I think for now I will continue intervening myself! Right now I have enough to do. Of course if any one wants help with 12 step work I will be always available as I can now see how it keeps me sober to help other alcoholics.
Every day brings new challenges and many problems but the bottom line is the issues will still be there drunk or sober at least sober you are aware of them and able to deal on a sober basis to the best of your ability.
I still remain very optimistic about the future if I continue to take my recovery very seriously I am going to know a whole new life and way of living. What a gift to be able to truly live again free from the bondage of alcohol and to start to be able to deal with life on life's terms.
I am still acting out a lot and put my wife through hell. I really don't mean to. It is not me, it is my disease. My son calls it my dark side and I really hate it. I am a kind loving guy and I am emerging from a life threatening disease. My memories are clearer and my resentments towards alcohol and must be lifted. Resentments are a serious relapse problem and we don't want that do we!
What truly keeps me going is faith, determination, the program, and the fellowship of AA. I TRULY HOPE THIS BLOG IS HELPING OTHERS IT CERTAINLY HELPS ME ! My guys in AA don't like that I blog. They think it is a dangerous place, this information highway. But I choose do this. I am not doctor Phil but I would be more than happy to go on TV and breach my anonymity to discuss the disease and share all I have learned. It would be my pleasure to let the world know how serious this epidemic is and that there is a daily reprieve, not a cure, with AA. So I am going to keep coming, keep blogging, and start living, one day at a time! .
Thanks for letting me back into whatever part of recovery you or your family and friends are going through and remember we are all worth it!
All the best ,until tomorrow.
Mark alcoholic.
Monday, June 11, 2007
hello again from Mark
Mark alcoholic,
Been gone a while ,the problem is I just have not felt like it .
My wife is a very supportive person and none of this is her fault. The energy required to work a true program in the first 6 months is exhausting. I find myself having to work recovery the way I drank, very hard. I was in terrible trouble when I drank and I could have died. The daily grind in recovery today is actually starting to become fun .
I shared tonight, at my 3rd meeting today, how excited I am to be in my last week of 6 months this coming Saturday. I am told by my sponsor and friends in AA that I am a miracle. Great for my ego! But lets keep this real. This disease will kill me if I don't treat it daily. At that same meeting I shared at, a guy who had 24 years was three days back from a run that ended with him in a jail cell !
You may wonder why I have not blogged? My wife pushes me to blog and I feel I need some time in recovery to reflect on where I am in my life and where I am going. This is a new way of living. I truly believe I am learning to live again and that's tough.
The daily reprieve from alcohol is contingent on my spiritual condition and I will only get out of my recovery what I put in. I am a very complex human and I mean complexity. I have had many journeys in my life and have achieved great things and I have lost much. But I would not trade my sobriety for anything. It is very hard to explain to non alcoholics the emotions, the struggles, the memories, the pain, the acting out...I believe we truly are like newborn babies .
I am about to read a book called "King Baby". Apparently, a friend tells me, it is about guys like me. I will let you know. I think blogginh is good for me when I do it and I want to be really honest when I do but for now I will just add there are two sides to every story.
I have not got a clue why this wonderful women has stayed with me. It truly is unbelievable. I know so many guys in AA who's marriages fell apart in recovery...this is really a question I cant answer .
I guess when I don't put alcohol in my body I am an OK guy. You know when I met my wife 10 years ago at a bar she drank along with me, not hard but we drank together every day. I guess she does not have the problem that I progressed into. At that time I was a very interesting character. Most alcoholics are actors on a stage and of course when we are in drink we get more gregarious and become interesting in the beginning until we have that one too many.
I can think of tons of times when I enjoyed the drinking over the years but as I look back, look back not stare, I am told I can see that as I came to America in 1996 it was the beginning of a slow slide into the depths of full blown alcoholism. Yes I blame the Americas!
Seriously, I have been trying to figure out how it happened to me but my sponsor tells me not to bother. People that analyze alcoholism will never really find out the problem. I can list hundred of reasons why I became an alcoholic: Childhood, parents, brothers, kids, wives, work, genes, culture....The list can go on and on. As my sponsor tells me it is what it is and I think that is how I will get better. The future holds great things for me. As the big book says, our future has much in store as long as you stay away from that first drink.
I think as a recovering alcoholic that I must work much harder on honesty, responsible living and anger. When I blog I do not get into the financial hardship drinking has caused us as my wife does. There is a reason for this. I have always believed in myself even when I was active and in early recovery slipping and sliding I knew I could do this! I will be honest and tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever done and knowing my history, having had a very successful business, and my character I know we will be OK. There are certain things I cannot mention in the blog to do with my past at least not today. Hunter knows what it is, no more secrets, it is financial and I cannot go into it.
If I was talking to an active alcoholic who was struggling, as I was, I would not ram AA down their throat. Drinkers like me need to be ready. I would tell the active alcoholic to try AA and if you want to keep drinking go ahead, all us alcoholics have our own bottoms. I look forward to being a sponsor one day. It pains me to see people struggle but the truth is this is a gift and it is for those that want it not those that need it. If it was for those that need it we would fill football stadiums!
The problem with AA for a newcomer is it can be very overwhelming. Do I share? What are the steps and slogans all about? The Big Book, How Bill Sees It, Sponsors, not drinking for the rest of your life, learning to live again, commitments, one day at a time, rehabs, 90 meetings in 90 days and other slogans....it really is a lot bearing in mind the alcoholic is probably sitting in his or her first meeting still with alcohol in the blood, embarrassed, lonely and scared, shaking, craving a drink to calm the nerves...it all adds up to be too much.
I know for me I just kept showing up, drunk or not. I just kept coming. I kept reminding myself to remember that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking . If you want a new way of living you must go to any length to get sober. Nothing but NOTHING can come before your recovery. and that's where I see my wife as a true miracle. I do not know any women who would put up with me. I have put her through hell and I sometimes still do. I don't mean to and I must work on this part of my journey. I don't want to be a dry drunk whatever that is ?
OK we have a big storm coming in and I need to rest. Forgive the all over the place blog I know I need to get back on track and the blogging does help me and whoever you are? We are all on a journey. Let's keep at it. We are all worth a better way of life! I pray you are safe and well and I look forward to catching up with more details tomorrow .
With love and prayers .
Mark alcoholic.
Been gone a while ,the problem is I just have not felt like it .
My wife is a very supportive person and none of this is her fault. The energy required to work a true program in the first 6 months is exhausting. I find myself having to work recovery the way I drank, very hard. I was in terrible trouble when I drank and I could have died. The daily grind in recovery today is actually starting to become fun .
I shared tonight, at my 3rd meeting today, how excited I am to be in my last week of 6 months this coming Saturday. I am told by my sponsor and friends in AA that I am a miracle. Great for my ego! But lets keep this real. This disease will kill me if I don't treat it daily. At that same meeting I shared at, a guy who had 24 years was three days back from a run that ended with him in a jail cell !
You may wonder why I have not blogged? My wife pushes me to blog and I feel I need some time in recovery to reflect on where I am in my life and where I am going. This is a new way of living. I truly believe I am learning to live again and that's tough.
The daily reprieve from alcohol is contingent on my spiritual condition and I will only get out of my recovery what I put in. I am a very complex human and I mean complexity. I have had many journeys in my life and have achieved great things and I have lost much. But I would not trade my sobriety for anything. It is very hard to explain to non alcoholics the emotions, the struggles, the memories, the pain, the acting out...I believe we truly are like newborn babies .
I am about to read a book called "King Baby". Apparently, a friend tells me, it is about guys like me. I will let you know. I think blogginh is good for me when I do it and I want to be really honest when I do but for now I will just add there are two sides to every story.
I have not got a clue why this wonderful women has stayed with me. It truly is unbelievable. I know so many guys in AA who's marriages fell apart in recovery...this is really a question I cant answer .
I guess when I don't put alcohol in my body I am an OK guy. You know when I met my wife 10 years ago at a bar she drank along with me, not hard but we drank together every day. I guess she does not have the problem that I progressed into. At that time I was a very interesting character. Most alcoholics are actors on a stage and of course when we are in drink we get more gregarious and become interesting in the beginning until we have that one too many.
I can think of tons of times when I enjoyed the drinking over the years but as I look back, look back not stare, I am told I can see that as I came to America in 1996 it was the beginning of a slow slide into the depths of full blown alcoholism. Yes I blame the Americas!
Seriously, I have been trying to figure out how it happened to me but my sponsor tells me not to bother. People that analyze alcoholism will never really find out the problem. I can list hundred of reasons why I became an alcoholic: Childhood, parents, brothers, kids, wives, work, genes, culture....The list can go on and on. As my sponsor tells me it is what it is and I think that is how I will get better. The future holds great things for me. As the big book says, our future has much in store as long as you stay away from that first drink.
I think as a recovering alcoholic that I must work much harder on honesty, responsible living and anger. When I blog I do not get into the financial hardship drinking has caused us as my wife does. There is a reason for this. I have always believed in myself even when I was active and in early recovery slipping and sliding I knew I could do this! I will be honest and tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever done and knowing my history, having had a very successful business, and my character I know we will be OK. There are certain things I cannot mention in the blog to do with my past at least not today. Hunter knows what it is, no more secrets, it is financial and I cannot go into it.
If I was talking to an active alcoholic who was struggling, as I was, I would not ram AA down their throat. Drinkers like me need to be ready. I would tell the active alcoholic to try AA and if you want to keep drinking go ahead, all us alcoholics have our own bottoms. I look forward to being a sponsor one day. It pains me to see people struggle but the truth is this is a gift and it is for those that want it not those that need it. If it was for those that need it we would fill football stadiums!
The problem with AA for a newcomer is it can be very overwhelming. Do I share? What are the steps and slogans all about? The Big Book, How Bill Sees It, Sponsors, not drinking for the rest of your life, learning to live again, commitments, one day at a time, rehabs, 90 meetings in 90 days and other slogans....it really is a lot bearing in mind the alcoholic is probably sitting in his or her first meeting still with alcohol in the blood, embarrassed, lonely and scared, shaking, craving a drink to calm the nerves...it all adds up to be too much.
I know for me I just kept showing up, drunk or not. I just kept coming. I kept reminding myself to remember that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking . If you want a new way of living you must go to any length to get sober. Nothing but NOTHING can come before your recovery. and that's where I see my wife as a true miracle. I do not know any women who would put up with me. I have put her through hell and I sometimes still do. I don't mean to and I must work on this part of my journey. I don't want to be a dry drunk whatever that is ?
OK we have a big storm coming in and I need to rest. Forgive the all over the place blog I know I need to get back on track and the blogging does help me and whoever you are? We are all on a journey. Let's keep at it. We are all worth a better way of life! I pray you are safe and well and I look forward to catching up with more details tomorrow .
With love and prayers .
Mark alcoholic.
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