Ok, this is definitely a weird title for a blog but it is a phrase that made both Mark and me laugh this morning. Mark went to his usual morning AA meeting and was in a bad mood when he left. He is a bit of a dry drunk these days with wild mood swings, unable to handle anything that deviates from a plan or might be a little chaotic. that is OK..he is working on his recovery so it is easy for me to use all the tools of my alanon program and let things go and "roll off my back".
I changed my morning routine with our son this morning and instead of lying in bed and reading and lounging my son and I got dressed and went for a bike ride with the dog to a nearby deli for breakfast. It felt great to get out in the fresh air.
When Mark came home from his meeting we talked for a bit and then he got into his work clothes to clean the house. He came into our office, where we write from, in his "uniform" as if to announce "look at me, I am cleaning the house, aren't I wonderful!".. I made a bit of fun of him and he got a bit sensitive an then laughed. I asked him to recall what life was like a year ago.
A year ago for me was full of fear, anxiety, panic, inability to function and having to hold it all together for our son. A year ago today Mark would show up at the house late at night and call me all sorts of horrible names, blame me for his horrible life, spit on the floor of the house, scream and yell...all the other stuff active alcoholics do. A year ago today there was no laughter, peace or serenity in my life and our son suffered terribly.
Mark's answer to where he was a year ago today was "I was somewhere trying to get sober"...When I said what was life like a year ago today, if you were here with me. Answer "tactical deployment based around alcohol!"
Today we both laughed when he said this...We laughed because life is so much better today because he is not drinking, we laughed because we are able to, we laughed because instead of just one of us (me) knowing how ridiculous that behavior is/was, now we both know this.
POWER OF CHOICE
I have recently been sucked in to some of the online chat postings on alcoholism and have felt under attack for my thoughts. People continue to argue with me about alcoholism as a disease and state that I am making alcoholism sound like rocket science. They make statments about me that are insulting to me and it is really upsetting me. I feel like responding and telling them how rude and stupid they are and that I do not appreciate name calling. But frankly what is the point. THIS last sentence is my gift of recovery. Responding to them is truly is not that important and arguing with people who are irrational is pointless. Let it go. If they are in denial it is their business, if they do not choose to accept the facts of alcoholism as a disease for whatever reason that too is their business. If they choose to call me names or make accusations that too is their choice. MY CHOICE is to engage or not engage. I HAVE POWER OVER MY CHOICE and no one elses. What is the point of engaging such negative people? My first inclination it to be confrontational and say something like how dare you speak to me like that..But why..These people mean nothing to me. These people posting in an angry accusatory way are not in recovery. It is not my place to tell them this. It is my choice to not react and it is my choice to not engage. It took me a long time to learn the power of not engaging. So much more is said by silence and so much more is achieved by asking myself first, "How important is it". Alcoholism is a disease of irrationality. It brings out all things that I find distasteful such as anger, nastiness, argumentative behavior, tension and so much more. There is nothing fun, interesting, productive, necessary, or usefule, that can dome from engaging with these people or paying attention to what they say. People who do not THINK before they speak (is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind) are frankly just not worth my time I struggle daily as part of my recovery to remember this and practice this behavior. Over the past few days, in an effort to spread the wonderful experience of strength, hope, and recovery that my husband and I are experiencing, I have been sucked into dialoging with toxic people who have not been Thoughtful with their words, Honest in their acceptance, Necessary in their words, or Kind)..I made a poor choice because I engaged and I feel hurt. I have power over this I have the power of choice to not engage. My addiction makes me want to engage. My recovery shows me the power of choice and the power of choosing not to engage.
Today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org helps me look at this in a different way:
"Make plans but don't plan results."
This is a simple phrase cautioning us against unnecessary worry and stress.If our plans involve other people, we would be wise to work joyfully toward realizing our dreams, but we should not expect or worry if others do not want the same goals. Nor should we worry if others are not as enthused about our ideas as we are. We know, by applying the Serenity Prayer, that we can only change ourselves; we cannot force changes in others.Another cause of unnecessary stress in planning results comes from our ingrained habit of regarding ourselves as inadequate. All too often, those of us who make plans give up on ourselves when we predict the outcome of our dreams on the basis of our past experiences. We falsely conclude that because we failed or felt empty in the past, we'll most certainly not succeed in the future; thus, we quit too soon and rationalize our resignation with a "Why bother to try?" attitude.TODAY I will make plans but not plan results. I will work out my plan, one day at a time, knowing that my past performance is NOT an infallible indicator of my present or future success. I will look forward with hope, not despair.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
keep it simple
Good Evening from Mark, alcoholic ,
I have not been blogging but I have been staying sober! lots of meetings staying busy and close to the program of AA.
I just came from a speaker meeting what a story. This disease knows know boundaries ! or as the guy said he has an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body . He mentioned the word disease 42 times in his story and also was very focused on the big book and the solution. I have noticed too many people giving their opinions on recovery. People are entitled to say what they want, but I know the book has, if followed, rarely failed us.
What truly matters is we are not alone and all of us are in recovery and are duty bound in our recovery to reach out to another alcoholic who is still sick and suffering ,that's what I believe.
As I begin on the next steps 4 through 8 I know I will really start to get to know myself, scary but also exciting. I had an amazing experience on Wednesday at business meeting. After half an hour or so the President of the company I was presenting to asked to speak with me privately. I guess to him I was acting a Little on the edgy side. I went into his office and he asked me if I was OK and how much time I had. I said I had planned to be their for two hours he said that is not what I meant, I meant how much TIME do you have ? I repeated myself and he said "I am a friend of Bill's and have 22 years. I then replied 118 days! WOW what a feeling of relief ! Us alcoholics are everywhere .
I have started to try and work on my anger and patience. It is an area I have a big problem with and usually it is me that ends up saying sorry for my actions. I think it comes from me starting to feel my feelings. Still there is no real reason and I will work harder in this area .
I have been sharing a little on romancing alcohol and I am reading a book that is set in Scotland. There are numerous sections in the book that describe in detail big dinners with wine and port after dinner. That was me ! I can't do that anymore and I was thinking that my drinking at that time in the past was not so bad and it was not. The problem was the gradual and then rapid progression that we all know about that got me. Still once in a while I do remember it was not all police cars and problems. Dangerous I know. But I do think if I talk about it that I will not be PICK UP a drink today.
My wife has been great this week we still have our moments that's normal and I am sure as time passes things will improve. I know she has been getting some negative response from our blog recently from people who do not choose to accept alcohol as a disease and have gotten a bit nasty. It gets to her-especially with what we have been through and the numerous clinical definitions that exist. For me its what I see everyday at my meetings. Try getting a bunch of drunks to agree on the colour of a room and if you had 50 drunks you would get 50 colour choices. I don't bother arguing with another AA, I follow the rules and my beliefs ,my way never worked its that simple.
I have started to read on the genetic side of the disease and I will update my blog about this when I have finished. It is a fascinating area. I know my daughter told me she was concerned that she may have the genes of an alcoholic. More later.
As my recovery becomes a new way of living I often wonder what it must have been like in the early days for Bill W and Doctor Bob. Somebody said at a recent meeting that if they were alive today they would deserve the Nobel prize !
I am not a martyr the cause of AA I just am so grateful that I have started on a new life a life that was in tatters and a soul that was empty the new chance to live is a true gift from my God of my understanding. I pray that whoever you are, if you read this your journey in recovery follows the path that I am now on. It is enjoyable and fun. I also pray that my experience, and my families experience helps others on the road to freedom from alcohol.
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark Alcoholic
I have not been blogging but I have been staying sober! lots of meetings staying busy and close to the program of AA.
I just came from a speaker meeting what a story. This disease knows know boundaries ! or as the guy said he has an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body . He mentioned the word disease 42 times in his story and also was very focused on the big book and the solution. I have noticed too many people giving their opinions on recovery. People are entitled to say what they want, but I know the book has, if followed, rarely failed us.
What truly matters is we are not alone and all of us are in recovery and are duty bound in our recovery to reach out to another alcoholic who is still sick and suffering ,that's what I believe.
As I begin on the next steps 4 through 8 I know I will really start to get to know myself, scary but also exciting. I had an amazing experience on Wednesday at business meeting. After half an hour or so the President of the company I was presenting to asked to speak with me privately. I guess to him I was acting a Little on the edgy side. I went into his office and he asked me if I was OK and how much time I had. I said I had planned to be their for two hours he said that is not what I meant, I meant how much TIME do you have ? I repeated myself and he said "I am a friend of Bill's and have 22 years. I then replied 118 days! WOW what a feeling of relief ! Us alcoholics are everywhere .
I have started to try and work on my anger and patience. It is an area I have a big problem with and usually it is me that ends up saying sorry for my actions. I think it comes from me starting to feel my feelings. Still there is no real reason and I will work harder in this area .
I have been sharing a little on romancing alcohol and I am reading a book that is set in Scotland. There are numerous sections in the book that describe in detail big dinners with wine and port after dinner. That was me ! I can't do that anymore and I was thinking that my drinking at that time in the past was not so bad and it was not. The problem was the gradual and then rapid progression that we all know about that got me. Still once in a while I do remember it was not all police cars and problems. Dangerous I know. But I do think if I talk about it that I will not be PICK UP a drink today.
My wife has been great this week we still have our moments that's normal and I am sure as time passes things will improve. I know she has been getting some negative response from our blog recently from people who do not choose to accept alcohol as a disease and have gotten a bit nasty. It gets to her-especially with what we have been through and the numerous clinical definitions that exist. For me its what I see everyday at my meetings. Try getting a bunch of drunks to agree on the colour of a room and if you had 50 drunks you would get 50 colour choices. I don't bother arguing with another AA, I follow the rules and my beliefs ,my way never worked its that simple.
I have started to read on the genetic side of the disease and I will update my blog about this when I have finished. It is a fascinating area. I know my daughter told me she was concerned that she may have the genes of an alcoholic. More later.
As my recovery becomes a new way of living I often wonder what it must have been like in the early days for Bill W and Doctor Bob. Somebody said at a recent meeting that if they were alive today they would deserve the Nobel prize !
I am not a martyr the cause of AA I just am so grateful that I have started on a new life a life that was in tatters and a soul that was empty the new chance to live is a true gift from my God of my understanding. I pray that whoever you are, if you read this your journey in recovery follows the path that I am now on. It is enjoyable and fun. I also pray that my experience, and my families experience helps others on the road to freedom from alcohol.
Thanks for letting me share .
Mark Alcoholic
Denial and Disease
GOd works in mysterious ways...I just spent over an hour writing a long blog about some important things in our lives and it got completely erased..Perhaps it was too much venting and not enough recovery. So the short version it is.
Recently I have received some posts castigating me for calling alcoholism a disease. This has served to reinforce for me how misunderstood alcoholism is and how much denial there is about alcoholism. I am not sure why the word disease makes people so uncomfortable. If you separate the word by syllables (dis ease) it implies a lack of comfort. I know of no addict who is comfortable when their addiction is active. Also in the big book alcoholism is referred to as an allergy or a malady-both of these terms, if you look them up, are synonymous with disease.
I know in our family AA is to Mark like chemotherapy is to a cancer patient.
Mark is only 100 plus days sober and nowhere near cured...He still has trouble taking care of responsibilities and following through with things and he still rages at me. However, today he is able to stop his behavior before it gets too out of control (resulting in broken walls, doors, windows, etc...) and apologize immediately for his behavior and is learning to express himself by using the words "I feel when you do this that...." He is learning daily new and powerful ways of communication that make a big difference. AND unlike in the past I do not react to his rages or take much stock in what he says when he is raging....Why add fuel to the fire? I am a bit worn out by all the things he says he is doing that don't seem to come to fruition but it all does start with a commitment to not drinking. It is hard for me to keep it simple, be understanding and start with that but I have to. My way of coping is to put most of it out of my mind and focus on me and what I have control over and pray for those things I do not.
For purpose of clarification I thought I would include below the definition of alcoholism from the national council on alcohol and drug addiction http://www.ncada-stl.org/addiction_info/
Definition of Alcoholism:
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, incurable disease characterized by loss of control over alcohol and other sedatives.
Chronic - lasts for life - is always present
Progressive - an active alcoholic will continue to get worse� But, if alcoholics remain clean and dry, the coming months and years will bring remarkable and often miraculous improvements in their spiritual, emotional, physical and social well-being.
Incurable - so far, science has given us no cure for alcoholism. Victims of the disease can return to normal life, but only as long as drinking is stopped.
Characterized by loss of control over alcohol and other sedatives - once alcoholics take that first drink after being sober or abstinent, they can't predict with any reliability whether they are going to have a normal or abnormal drinking episode. They no longer control alcohol; it controls them.
Alcoholics have lost control over not just the drug alcohol - for alcohol is basically nothing more than a widely available, socially acceptable, non-prescription and inexpensive tranquilizer or sedative. They've lost control over all other mood-altering drugs as well.
Loss of control is a most important clinical factor. Do they have predictable behavior when they drink? If they do, then they are not an alcoholic. But if their behavior isn't predictable when they drink - if they simply can't tell what will happen next - then the disease has got them in hand.
Alcoholism is a disease. Developing alcoholism is not intentional. Alcoholics today can get proper treatment for the disease. Reaching out for information and help is the first step toward getting well.
Today I pray that those sick and suffering may reach out for information and take the first step toward getting well. I pray that our family continues on its road of recovery and that things continue to get better one day at a time and that God continues to be present in Mark's life and guides him on his road to recovery and sober living, and that he sends me the guidance, love, and strength I need to continue to do the next right thing everyday of my life.
Love, Peace, and Serenity
Hunter
Recently I have received some posts castigating me for calling alcoholism a disease. This has served to reinforce for me how misunderstood alcoholism is and how much denial there is about alcoholism. I am not sure why the word disease makes people so uncomfortable. If you separate the word by syllables (dis ease) it implies a lack of comfort. I know of no addict who is comfortable when their addiction is active. Also in the big book alcoholism is referred to as an allergy or a malady-both of these terms, if you look them up, are synonymous with disease.
I know in our family AA is to Mark like chemotherapy is to a cancer patient.
Mark is only 100 plus days sober and nowhere near cured...He still has trouble taking care of responsibilities and following through with things and he still rages at me. However, today he is able to stop his behavior before it gets too out of control (resulting in broken walls, doors, windows, etc...) and apologize immediately for his behavior and is learning to express himself by using the words "I feel when you do this that...." He is learning daily new and powerful ways of communication that make a big difference. AND unlike in the past I do not react to his rages or take much stock in what he says when he is raging....Why add fuel to the fire? I am a bit worn out by all the things he says he is doing that don't seem to come to fruition but it all does start with a commitment to not drinking. It is hard for me to keep it simple, be understanding and start with that but I have to. My way of coping is to put most of it out of my mind and focus on me and what I have control over and pray for those things I do not.
For purpose of clarification I thought I would include below the definition of alcoholism from the national council on alcohol and drug addiction http://www.ncada-stl.org/addiction_info/
Definition of Alcoholism:
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, incurable disease characterized by loss of control over alcohol and other sedatives.
Chronic - lasts for life - is always present
Progressive - an active alcoholic will continue to get worse� But, if alcoholics remain clean and dry, the coming months and years will bring remarkable and often miraculous improvements in their spiritual, emotional, physical and social well-being.
Incurable - so far, science has given us no cure for alcoholism. Victims of the disease can return to normal life, but only as long as drinking is stopped.
Characterized by loss of control over alcohol and other sedatives - once alcoholics take that first drink after being sober or abstinent, they can't predict with any reliability whether they are going to have a normal or abnormal drinking episode. They no longer control alcohol; it controls them.
Alcoholics have lost control over not just the drug alcohol - for alcohol is basically nothing more than a widely available, socially acceptable, non-prescription and inexpensive tranquilizer or sedative. They've lost control over all other mood-altering drugs as well.
Loss of control is a most important clinical factor. Do they have predictable behavior when they drink? If they do, then they are not an alcoholic. But if their behavior isn't predictable when they drink - if they simply can't tell what will happen next - then the disease has got them in hand.
Alcoholism is a disease. Developing alcoholism is not intentional. Alcoholics today can get proper treatment for the disease. Reaching out for information and help is the first step toward getting well.
Today I pray that those sick and suffering may reach out for information and take the first step toward getting well. I pray that our family continues on its road of recovery and that things continue to get better one day at a time and that God continues to be present in Mark's life and guides him on his road to recovery and sober living, and that he sends me the guidance, love, and strength I need to continue to do the next right thing everyday of my life.
Love, Peace, and Serenity
Hunter
Thursday, April 12, 2007
LAUGHTER-IT FEELS GREAT TO REALLY LAUGH
With all the crisis over the past few years I have completley forgotten total childlike bliss and laughter. Over the past week I have experienced it several times..It feels SOOOOOOOOOO good.
Three times I can remember:
1) Teaching preschool and getting my hands mushy and gooey making playdough
2) Answering the phone in goofy ways, fooling my husband and making my son laugh hysterically (he especially likes it when I do my Desi Arnez impression "Lucy I'm home")
3) Reading this blog entry about superpowers
http://mamampj.blogspot.com/2007/04/superpowers-or-because-i-need-to.html
I look forward to more belly laughs and fun. AND great news. I have been called back to meet wtih senior management for a job that I would love to do.
Hunter
Three times I can remember:
1) Teaching preschool and getting my hands mushy and gooey making playdough
2) Answering the phone in goofy ways, fooling my husband and making my son laugh hysterically (he especially likes it when I do my Desi Arnez impression "Lucy I'm home")
3) Reading this blog entry about superpowers
http://mamampj.blogspot.com/2007/04/superpowers-or-because-i-need-to.html
I look forward to more belly laughs and fun. AND great news. I have been called back to meet wtih senior management for a job that I would love to do.
Hunter
A REMINDER OF HOW HORRIBLE THINGS CAN BE WHEN DEALING WITH ACTIVE ALCOHOLISM
Good morning. Hunter again. I went an Alanon meeting last night for the first time in months. It was wonderful to see many familiar faces who were always there as I was going through the worst of times. It was also a powerful reminder of how painful it is to live with or deal with active addicts.
My prayers go out this morning to a lady who is going to court to negotiate her divorce from a man who is still active. As she talked about his behavior it brought up for me all the pain I experienced when Mark was still active. Like Mark used to be, her soon to be ex goes to AA meetings and pretends to be in the program but does not work it. Her soon to be ex has been to rehab 4 times and still does not get it. Someone posted a response to Mark and on on this blog regarding rehabs explaining why the don't work...He was right. Unless an addict surrenders completely to a higher power of their understanding and follows the instructions clearly written in the blue book the addict will not recover. This is also true for family members affected by this disease, we must also surrender to higher power, work the steps and follow our program in order to make our lives better. I talked with my friend about Mark's behavior in the program as compared with her husbands..There is a clear difference when an addict really gets and works the program Today, my friend has to do the next right thing and it is painful. My prayers are with her. It is so hard to imagine that one would have to issue orders of protection or request supervised visits only between a child and a parent but this disease robs beautiful souls of all decency and reduces them to irrational horrible people whom are a danger to us and our children. I told my friend last night to remember when she is in court that the man she fell in love with is "absent" and has been possessed. If that man was in his right mind he would want her to do exactly what she is doing in order to protect his kids from the uncaring monster he has become.....I understand her feelings so very much. It is so very hard to believe that anyone can act as irrational as addicts do. Their behavior is so full of lies and manipulation, and they are for the most part quite convincing. Understanding that you can not believe a word they say or take much stock in anything they do is really hard. Choosing not to put up with it is also hard but once this choice is made life gets better. Today I pray for my friend that she gets through today, stays strong, and that things get better.
I also saw another friend there who always looks tired. She too will have to divorce her husband and is in the process. She seemed calm and seems like she is doing well...It was good to see her in this place.
I also have to say that going to Alanon meetings is hard for me right now as it brings up too much pain from the past year for me. I am working so hard on enjoying the miracle of the present and getting my life back on track as a family that I had a hard time sitting through the meeting. It was depressing for me. I know it is important to share experience strength and hope with others, but perhaps for now I can do this through my blog and public outreach and an occasional meeting...It seems that this is better for my recovery....
As Mark has to always remember how close he is to his first drink I must remember how close I am to the chaos that could result from that first drink. However, for today I need to focus on moving forward and on positive things. I recall what a wonderful wise friend of mine, whose husband is sober 2 years, recently told me. She said that last year she could not be around me very much as I brought up too much pain from her past, reminding her of the hell she went through with her husband. I understand as that is how I felt last night.
Today in our family, because of the miracle of recovery there is so much hope. Mark is starting to talk responsibly about working and being a provider-different from ever before-in a real way; doors are starting to open for both of us; our communication is getting better and is open and honest ( he loved the blog I wrote yesterday and told me how good it felt to know how much compassion I have); and there are a lot of wonderful firsts such as sitting through a parent teacher conference together, enjoying our son's baseball game together, and recognizing each other as individuals. Mark and I went to a business meeting together yesterday. Mark was very fidgety in the meeting...At the end of the meeting the head of the company called mark into his offices to chat...He shook Mark's hand and said "It's OK, I am a friend of Bill's and you are doing great. Get to a meeting" For those who do not know this "a friend of Bill's" is someone who is in AA.
One more thought on recovery. I have a part time job and a supervisor who is a micro manager. I work hard and I get all my tasks done and don't waste time. I do get a phone call from my son once a day when he comes home from school, and as my husband and I only have one car we usually talk once or twice a day to coordinate pick up times. Occasionally I will take a call from our son's school. None of this is unusual for anyone working. My boss never tells me I am doing a great job. Instead she sends me an email telling me that I have too many personal calls at work. What a load of crap that is.....But instead of reacting I ignored it and continued to do my work. I realize that my boss feels a bit threatened by me as I am starting to interact and get noticed by people in the company and doing a good job. She spends a lot of time talking with one of my co-workers who is a friend of hers, checking her personal emails, and printing off recipes during the work day....I resent hypocritical behavior..But, I have a strong program behind me. How important is her comment? In the general scheme of things in my life...NOT VERY. It bothers me that managers can be so stupid sometimes....As long as people do their job who cares.
I have one more thought, which could take a whole volume but I will keep it brief. I realize I am a very forgiving person as I think about the Imus debacle. For me I think the man appologized he was given a suspension. He made a mistake...BUt the consequences of his behavior have caused him to most probably lose his job. I feel this is a bit extreme. But it is a good lesson. Life on life's terms has consequences when we step out of line. Not everyone is all forgiving and we must always think before we speak (is it Thoughtuf, Honest, Necessary, Intelligent,Kind) if not better left unsaid...Imus' s coments were none of these....while I might not think he deserves such severe consequences, the universe feels different. He did something wrong. That is the way of the world. We can not manipulate it as we see fit. We have to play by the rules and treat others as we would like to be treated.
Mark just called to let me know he is on his way home and that I need to get ready for work. He is in a wretched mood. I was sharing with him a dream I had last night and some feelings I had about my meeting last night. He exploded at me saying this has nothing to do with him and his sobriety..He is right it does not..BUt the world is not all about Mark and his recovery. I find myself letting a lot of things go these days. People in Mark's program think he is close to a drink...His behavior at times and a lot of the things he says and does make me feel this way too. And while Alanon has helped me tremendously over the past few years,the negative vibes from last nights meeting have caused me to start doubting things. Although I don't think he is going to drink I do think he feels overwhelmed today and is trying to learn how to deal with his feelings without drinking..Changing old behaviours and patterns is really hard and each day you practice the new behaviors they get easier. Mood swings are common for addicts in recovery. My program teaches me to let it go, it is not that important and I do...This is behavior that works.... Mark is now able to appologize for his mood swings. that is progress.
I want to get home early today as I have to finish off our taxes and want to be here to help our son with his homework.
Until later or tomorrow.
Hunter
My prayers go out this morning to a lady who is going to court to negotiate her divorce from a man who is still active. As she talked about his behavior it brought up for me all the pain I experienced when Mark was still active. Like Mark used to be, her soon to be ex goes to AA meetings and pretends to be in the program but does not work it. Her soon to be ex has been to rehab 4 times and still does not get it. Someone posted a response to Mark and on on this blog regarding rehabs explaining why the don't work...He was right. Unless an addict surrenders completely to a higher power of their understanding and follows the instructions clearly written in the blue book the addict will not recover. This is also true for family members affected by this disease, we must also surrender to higher power, work the steps and follow our program in order to make our lives better. I talked with my friend about Mark's behavior in the program as compared with her husbands..There is a clear difference when an addict really gets and works the program Today, my friend has to do the next right thing and it is painful. My prayers are with her. It is so hard to imagine that one would have to issue orders of protection or request supervised visits only between a child and a parent but this disease robs beautiful souls of all decency and reduces them to irrational horrible people whom are a danger to us and our children. I told my friend last night to remember when she is in court that the man she fell in love with is "absent" and has been possessed. If that man was in his right mind he would want her to do exactly what she is doing in order to protect his kids from the uncaring monster he has become.....I understand her feelings so very much. It is so very hard to believe that anyone can act as irrational as addicts do. Their behavior is so full of lies and manipulation, and they are for the most part quite convincing. Understanding that you can not believe a word they say or take much stock in anything they do is really hard. Choosing not to put up with it is also hard but once this choice is made life gets better. Today I pray for my friend that she gets through today, stays strong, and that things get better.
I also saw another friend there who always looks tired. She too will have to divorce her husband and is in the process. She seemed calm and seems like she is doing well...It was good to see her in this place.
I also have to say that going to Alanon meetings is hard for me right now as it brings up too much pain from the past year for me. I am working so hard on enjoying the miracle of the present and getting my life back on track as a family that I had a hard time sitting through the meeting. It was depressing for me. I know it is important to share experience strength and hope with others, but perhaps for now I can do this through my blog and public outreach and an occasional meeting...It seems that this is better for my recovery....
As Mark has to always remember how close he is to his first drink I must remember how close I am to the chaos that could result from that first drink. However, for today I need to focus on moving forward and on positive things. I recall what a wonderful wise friend of mine, whose husband is sober 2 years, recently told me. She said that last year she could not be around me very much as I brought up too much pain from her past, reminding her of the hell she went through with her husband. I understand as that is how I felt last night.
Today in our family, because of the miracle of recovery there is so much hope. Mark is starting to talk responsibly about working and being a provider-different from ever before-in a real way; doors are starting to open for both of us; our communication is getting better and is open and honest ( he loved the blog I wrote yesterday and told me how good it felt to know how much compassion I have); and there are a lot of wonderful firsts such as sitting through a parent teacher conference together, enjoying our son's baseball game together, and recognizing each other as individuals. Mark and I went to a business meeting together yesterday. Mark was very fidgety in the meeting...At the end of the meeting the head of the company called mark into his offices to chat...He shook Mark's hand and said "It's OK, I am a friend of Bill's and you are doing great. Get to a meeting" For those who do not know this "a friend of Bill's" is someone who is in AA.
One more thought on recovery. I have a part time job and a supervisor who is a micro manager. I work hard and I get all my tasks done and don't waste time. I do get a phone call from my son once a day when he comes home from school, and as my husband and I only have one car we usually talk once or twice a day to coordinate pick up times. Occasionally I will take a call from our son's school. None of this is unusual for anyone working. My boss never tells me I am doing a great job. Instead she sends me an email telling me that I have too many personal calls at work. What a load of crap that is.....But instead of reacting I ignored it and continued to do my work. I realize that my boss feels a bit threatened by me as I am starting to interact and get noticed by people in the company and doing a good job. She spends a lot of time talking with one of my co-workers who is a friend of hers, checking her personal emails, and printing off recipes during the work day....I resent hypocritical behavior..But, I have a strong program behind me. How important is her comment? In the general scheme of things in my life...NOT VERY. It bothers me that managers can be so stupid sometimes....As long as people do their job who cares.
I have one more thought, which could take a whole volume but I will keep it brief. I realize I am a very forgiving person as I think about the Imus debacle. For me I think the man appologized he was given a suspension. He made a mistake...BUt the consequences of his behavior have caused him to most probably lose his job. I feel this is a bit extreme. But it is a good lesson. Life on life's terms has consequences when we step out of line. Not everyone is all forgiving and we must always think before we speak (is it Thoughtuf, Honest, Necessary, Intelligent,Kind) if not better left unsaid...Imus' s coments were none of these....while I might not think he deserves such severe consequences, the universe feels different. He did something wrong. That is the way of the world. We can not manipulate it as we see fit. We have to play by the rules and treat others as we would like to be treated.
Mark just called to let me know he is on his way home and that I need to get ready for work. He is in a wretched mood. I was sharing with him a dream I had last night and some feelings I had about my meeting last night. He exploded at me saying this has nothing to do with him and his sobriety..He is right it does not..BUt the world is not all about Mark and his recovery. I find myself letting a lot of things go these days. People in Mark's program think he is close to a drink...His behavior at times and a lot of the things he says and does make me feel this way too. And while Alanon has helped me tremendously over the past few years,the negative vibes from last nights meeting have caused me to start doubting things. Although I don't think he is going to drink I do think he feels overwhelmed today and is trying to learn how to deal with his feelings without drinking..Changing old behaviours and patterns is really hard and each day you practice the new behaviors they get easier. Mood swings are common for addicts in recovery. My program teaches me to let it go, it is not that important and I do...This is behavior that works.... Mark is now able to appologize for his mood swings. that is progress.
I want to get home early today as I have to finish off our taxes and want to be here to help our son with his homework.
Until later or tomorrow.
Hunter
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Inspirational
BY HUNTER:
"Inspirational" is the word that comes to mind today as I read several posts from people who have read our blog. One in particular touched my heart written by the daughter of an alcoholic. I have read her story and am so grateful for her post of encouragement to my husband. I feel as though our blog has helped her and also it makes me feel good that I have been so supportive of my husband's recovery as our son, and Mark's daughters' lives will be better as a result.
I wish I could reach out to Mark's daughters, who live across the ocean, but I realize that it is not appropriate. I did reach out when Mark was too sick to reach out himself and in many respects my efforts were misunderstood. I still remain in shock tha this family blamed me for his alcoholism.. I will say that during his worst times I had some wonderful dialogue with his ex-wife who appears to be a grounded, bright and caring person. I would like to open dialogue with her again but now that Mark is in recovery it is his responsibility not mine and I feel like it would be a breach of Mark's confidence to open up this dialogue (now that he is not drinking perhasp I can talk wtihhim about this and come to a resolution).
I feel helpless in many respects as Mark's eldest daughter is suffering from manic depression. She has a wonderful mom who is very supportive of her an over the years has been everything to her girls since Mark was "absent" from life the past 9 years! I can relate to this experience as I had to be this for our son as well-even though Mark, or whoever he was when he was drinking, was with us physically. This beautiful girl has always needed her daddy. I so much want to reach out to her and her mom and let them know that we are both there for her and that she did not cause her dad's illness and that he loves her and will never be "absent" again..But I can not. It is not my place to do this.
Also, Mark is in early days of recovery (115 days today) and he needs to keep the focus on himself right now. He is just on step 4 and not truly ready to get involved with the intricacies and wreckage of his past. A normal person would be able to step right in and be there for his daughter but he is not normal, he has a dreadful disease, and he must focus on his recovery first....without this he can not help anyone. I so much wish I could explain this to his ex-wife and daughter and let them know that he prays for his daughter daily but it is not my place. I want to be the rescuer but I can't...I can, now that Mark's head is less clouded, share my feelings with him, be grateful that he now knows how to listen, and perhaps guide him to help her...
INSPIRATIONAL is the post from the daughter on my husband's blog encouraging him to keep doing what he is doing. It was like a message from God to help guide him with respect to his daughters.
Also I spoke to a friend from Alanon today who has been reading my blog. This is how she checks in on me. She can not believe my strength and serenity in the face of many many problems I am facing-largely financial. She was inspired by my words to her which said that I can only focus on today and doing the next right thing to make my life better.
I wanted my marriage to work and to keep my little family together. I needed Mark to get sober for this to be a possibility. He did and is getting better everyday. This is what it means in marriage vows "in sickness and in health" It is time for health in my family...Mental, physical, and financial. We have a lot to give to help others...We are on our way...God is lighting our path..
Peace, Love, and Serenity.
Hunter
"Inspirational" is the word that comes to mind today as I read several posts from people who have read our blog. One in particular touched my heart written by the daughter of an alcoholic. I have read her story and am so grateful for her post of encouragement to my husband. I feel as though our blog has helped her and also it makes me feel good that I have been so supportive of my husband's recovery as our son, and Mark's daughters' lives will be better as a result.
I wish I could reach out to Mark's daughters, who live across the ocean, but I realize that it is not appropriate. I did reach out when Mark was too sick to reach out himself and in many respects my efforts were misunderstood. I still remain in shock tha this family blamed me for his alcoholism.. I will say that during his worst times I had some wonderful dialogue with his ex-wife who appears to be a grounded, bright and caring person. I would like to open dialogue with her again but now that Mark is in recovery it is his responsibility not mine and I feel like it would be a breach of Mark's confidence to open up this dialogue (now that he is not drinking perhasp I can talk wtihhim about this and come to a resolution).
I feel helpless in many respects as Mark's eldest daughter is suffering from manic depression. She has a wonderful mom who is very supportive of her an over the years has been everything to her girls since Mark was "absent" from life the past 9 years! I can relate to this experience as I had to be this for our son as well-even though Mark, or whoever he was when he was drinking, was with us physically. This beautiful girl has always needed her daddy. I so much want to reach out to her and her mom and let them know that we are both there for her and that she did not cause her dad's illness and that he loves her and will never be "absent" again..But I can not. It is not my place to do this.
Also, Mark is in early days of recovery (115 days today) and he needs to keep the focus on himself right now. He is just on step 4 and not truly ready to get involved with the intricacies and wreckage of his past. A normal person would be able to step right in and be there for his daughter but he is not normal, he has a dreadful disease, and he must focus on his recovery first....without this he can not help anyone. I so much wish I could explain this to his ex-wife and daughter and let them know that he prays for his daughter daily but it is not my place. I want to be the rescuer but I can't...I can, now that Mark's head is less clouded, share my feelings with him, be grateful that he now knows how to listen, and perhaps guide him to help her...
INSPIRATIONAL is the post from the daughter on my husband's blog encouraging him to keep doing what he is doing. It was like a message from God to help guide him with respect to his daughters.
Also I spoke to a friend from Alanon today who has been reading my blog. This is how she checks in on me. She can not believe my strength and serenity in the face of many many problems I am facing-largely financial. She was inspired by my words to her which said that I can only focus on today and doing the next right thing to make my life better.
I wanted my marriage to work and to keep my little family together. I needed Mark to get sober for this to be a possibility. He did and is getting better everyday. This is what it means in marriage vows "in sickness and in health" It is time for health in my family...Mental, physical, and financial. We have a lot to give to help others...We are on our way...God is lighting our path..
Peace, Love, and Serenity.
Hunter
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Alcohol what a pain-the awnser is in the big book
Hi, Mark Alcoholic,
I was at my 5.30 AA meeting tonight and I saw a friend of mine who is 3 days back. It really hurts to see him as that was me 120 days ago, I was detoxing at a meeting before going to court. When I see a fellow alcoholic suffering I get different types of feelings. There for the grace of God go I. Why him when he wants it so badly? He really is a great guy .
Our disease of alcoholism is so powerful and once we pick up that first drink we are done for. It is something we just don't believe but it always gets worse never better !. I have begun to realize how the program works. Somebody shared at the meeting that they don't know how it works it just does .
I drive a German car that needs to be serviced by certain dealer. I received various comments from other AAs reading my blog which I really appreciate. The point I am making is that if I want my car fixed they follow a manual and if I want to achieve a daily reprieve from drinking I have a manual called the big book and the answers are in there. I don't need to go anyplace else. It has worked for years. It is my manual for survival. It is my daily medication. I wake every morning with untreated alcoholism and then I go to a meeting for treatment.
I never thought I would become a big book thumper and I am not sure I am but I have come to believe I have received the gift. My friend tonight just has to surrender. I did not surrender for years and had no chance. I tried to say when I had been drinking at meetings I thought only the French surrender to win .
I like all the people at the meeting did all we could do for our friend and tonight. I will pray for him to have his obsession lifted which is what he said took him out for two weeks and I am sure he will make it. I have seen him for as long as I have been showing up and believe me most of my friends gave up on me but I knew I wanted it and if I just kept coming it would finally rub off. Thank GOD it has for today. Remember -YESTERDAY IS HISTORY-TOMORROW A MYSTERY AND TODAY IS A GIFT! .
Lets pray for a good night for our friend and stay focused on our journey together and remember we are not alone. I really never believed I would be using AA lingo but I am a fully paid up member and I will continue to keep coming and keep blogging. One day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share .
Good night. Mark Alcoholic.
I was at my 5.30 AA meeting tonight and I saw a friend of mine who is 3 days back. It really hurts to see him as that was me 120 days ago, I was detoxing at a meeting before going to court. When I see a fellow alcoholic suffering I get different types of feelings. There for the grace of God go I. Why him when he wants it so badly? He really is a great guy .
Our disease of alcoholism is so powerful and once we pick up that first drink we are done for. It is something we just don't believe but it always gets worse never better !. I have begun to realize how the program works. Somebody shared at the meeting that they don't know how it works it just does .
I drive a German car that needs to be serviced by certain dealer. I received various comments from other AAs reading my blog which I really appreciate. The point I am making is that if I want my car fixed they follow a manual and if I want to achieve a daily reprieve from drinking I have a manual called the big book and the answers are in there. I don't need to go anyplace else. It has worked for years. It is my manual for survival. It is my daily medication. I wake every morning with untreated alcoholism and then I go to a meeting for treatment.
I never thought I would become a big book thumper and I am not sure I am but I have come to believe I have received the gift. My friend tonight just has to surrender. I did not surrender for years and had no chance. I tried to say when I had been drinking at meetings I thought only the French surrender to win .
I like all the people at the meeting did all we could do for our friend and tonight. I will pray for him to have his obsession lifted which is what he said took him out for two weeks and I am sure he will make it. I have seen him for as long as I have been showing up and believe me most of my friends gave up on me but I knew I wanted it and if I just kept coming it would finally rub off. Thank GOD it has for today. Remember -YESTERDAY IS HISTORY-TOMORROW A MYSTERY AND TODAY IS A GIFT! .
Lets pray for a good night for our friend and stay focused on our journey together and remember we are not alone. I really never believed I would be using AA lingo but I am a fully paid up member and I will continue to keep coming and keep blogging. One day at a time.
Thanks for letting me share .
Good night. Mark Alcoholic.
Letting Go of The Past is Not Easy
It is really frustrating to spend a lot of time writing a blog and then losing the information. mark called as i was writing and when talking to him it got erased..Of course it is his fault..everything is!!!! (JUST KIDDING ON THIS ONE)
Yesterday was a tough day but a good one. Mark is doing so well not drinking and working his AA program of recovery. He has taken a new sponsor, one who is happily married with kids whose wife stuck by him, like I have with Mark. This was a great choice for mark as so many of the guys in his program are divorced and can not relate to many of the issues mark is dealing with and feed negative energy about marriage and wives. Mark has his ups and downs and as he starts to feel his emotions and not drown them in substance he is coming to terms with the wreckage of his life. He is vulnerable, needy of love and kindness, and I am not always able to give him all he needs. I am glad he finds it in his AA meetings.
When I put together papers for taxes yesterday (nothing like waiting until the last minute!)I found things from the past and I went nuts...I completely lost my program and screamed at him. How could he have lied to me, stolen from me, hidden important papers and mail, stayed in expensive hotels without my knowledge, and so much more? What went through my mind was "is he still lying tome?" What about? I went nuts and forgot that Alcoholism is the Devil on Earth. I never believed in the Devil but an active alcoholic's behavior and personality change as a result is so diabolical that I came to believe.....and the fact that the only solution to the problem that has stood the test of time is the AA program and an unshakable faith in God-or the God of one's understanding.
In yesterday's crisis I totally lost my program of recovery and reverted into insanity and worry about lack of finances and Mark's irresponsibility, along with my inability to maintain a job during the years of crisis and the hard time I am having now finding one. Our son suffered from this crazy behaviour as I was unable to listen to his needs, help him with his homework, or simply enjoy the moments with him.
As I left to take our taxes to the person who is helping me I reflected on my poor behaviour. The first think I did when I came home was hug our son and apologize and spend 30 minutes putting him to bed, making up stories, listening, and loving. then I talked calmly with Mark. To my surprise while I was gone he too did some reflecting. He called his new sponsor-the one who is happily married, talked it out, and shared with me his feelings and apologized for all that he has done, acknowledged my feelings, and acknowledged that the only thing he can do today is not drink, work his program, and do right by me and himself and his family today and in the future. This is a miracle!
I also want to add that our financial situation is quite bad today. Our income is below the federal poverty level and we are exempt from state and federal taxes! this is not position that an people from affluent upper middle class/wealthy backgrounds would be expected to be in..But you see alcoholism touches all types of people an its power to destroy knows not boundaries. My prayers is that we get out of our financial problem and earn a lot of money..enough to give back to the human services in our town and the wonderful man who spends 4 hours a week as a volunteer helping poor people file their taxes, and all the other amazing people an services who have made things just a bit brighter for us. I pray we can give back to them and help others....
Those of us who are lucky to find recovery as individuals and as a family learn a very wonderful lesson from our experience. We learn to appreciate the simplicity in life and to be grateful for small things. This is gift and the miracle of God.
-Hunter
Yesterday was a tough day but a good one. Mark is doing so well not drinking and working his AA program of recovery. He has taken a new sponsor, one who is happily married with kids whose wife stuck by him, like I have with Mark. This was a great choice for mark as so many of the guys in his program are divorced and can not relate to many of the issues mark is dealing with and feed negative energy about marriage and wives. Mark has his ups and downs and as he starts to feel his emotions and not drown them in substance he is coming to terms with the wreckage of his life. He is vulnerable, needy of love and kindness, and I am not always able to give him all he needs. I am glad he finds it in his AA meetings.
When I put together papers for taxes yesterday (nothing like waiting until the last minute!)I found things from the past and I went nuts...I completely lost my program and screamed at him. How could he have lied to me, stolen from me, hidden important papers and mail, stayed in expensive hotels without my knowledge, and so much more? What went through my mind was "is he still lying tome?" What about? I went nuts and forgot that Alcoholism is the Devil on Earth. I never believed in the Devil but an active alcoholic's behavior and personality change as a result is so diabolical that I came to believe.....and the fact that the only solution to the problem that has stood the test of time is the AA program and an unshakable faith in God-or the God of one's understanding.
In yesterday's crisis I totally lost my program of recovery and reverted into insanity and worry about lack of finances and Mark's irresponsibility, along with my inability to maintain a job during the years of crisis and the hard time I am having now finding one. Our son suffered from this crazy behaviour as I was unable to listen to his needs, help him with his homework, or simply enjoy the moments with him.
As I left to take our taxes to the person who is helping me I reflected on my poor behaviour. The first think I did when I came home was hug our son and apologize and spend 30 minutes putting him to bed, making up stories, listening, and loving. then I talked calmly with Mark. To my surprise while I was gone he too did some reflecting. He called his new sponsor-the one who is happily married, talked it out, and shared with me his feelings and apologized for all that he has done, acknowledged my feelings, and acknowledged that the only thing he can do today is not drink, work his program, and do right by me and himself and his family today and in the future. This is a miracle!
I also want to add that our financial situation is quite bad today. Our income is below the federal poverty level and we are exempt from state and federal taxes! this is not position that an people from affluent upper middle class/wealthy backgrounds would be expected to be in..But you see alcoholism touches all types of people an its power to destroy knows not boundaries. My prayers is that we get out of our financial problem and earn a lot of money..enough to give back to the human services in our town and the wonderful man who spends 4 hours a week as a volunteer helping poor people file their taxes, and all the other amazing people an services who have made things just a bit brighter for us. I pray we can give back to them and help others....
Those of us who are lucky to find recovery as individuals and as a family learn a very wonderful lesson from our experience. We learn to appreciate the simplicity in life and to be grateful for small things. This is gift and the miracle of God.
-Hunter
Monday, April 9, 2007
Frustration and recovery
Good morning ,Mark alcoholic.
I have returned from my morning meeting and I am so angry . I am remembering the past and all have lost ,nothing I can do about the past but the past is part of who I am ! and the problem I have is I hate my past so therefore does that not mean I hate myself.
I am doing so well with not drinking but I look at this beautiful day and find myself lost and alone. Recovery tells me time takes time ? their are so many sayings in recovery and I get sick of hearing them but they work .
I did get a good reminder today as a guy came back with 24 hours into the meeting he has been like me struggling terribly ,he wants to get better but he has not surrendered to the disease ,you cannot beat this alcoholism stuff it is to powerful !
SI await phone calls and try as hard as possible to keep up my spirit it is not easy .I just had some reason to smile my daughter spoke with me for some 20 minutes it was wonderful she was loving kind just like I spoke with her yesterday ,she has a young friend suffering from alcoholism and I tried to give some advice not easy when she asked me how much it costs to be in AA and her friend could not afford to join ?
I explained what I could about the program and she will pass it on I hope her friend finds the rooms of AA I can pray for them. It id make me feel great and she is a wonderful girl and I know I will see her soon ,sober and able to be a father once again in the true sense. S I will prasy for a better day and do what I have to do .
Thanks .Mark Alcoholic
I have returned from my morning meeting and I am so angry . I am remembering the past and all have lost ,nothing I can do about the past but the past is part of who I am ! and the problem I have is I hate my past so therefore does that not mean I hate myself.
I am doing so well with not drinking but I look at this beautiful day and find myself lost and alone. Recovery tells me time takes time ? their are so many sayings in recovery and I get sick of hearing them but they work .
I did get a good reminder today as a guy came back with 24 hours into the meeting he has been like me struggling terribly ,he wants to get better but he has not surrendered to the disease ,you cannot beat this alcoholism stuff it is to powerful !
SI await phone calls and try as hard as possible to keep up my spirit it is not easy .I just had some reason to smile my daughter spoke with me for some 20 minutes it was wonderful she was loving kind just like I spoke with her yesterday ,she has a young friend suffering from alcoholism and I tried to give some advice not easy when she asked me how much it costs to be in AA and her friend could not afford to join ?
I explained what I could about the program and she will pass it on I hope her friend finds the rooms of AA I can pray for them. It id make me feel great and she is a wonderful girl and I know I will see her soon ,sober and able to be a father once again in the true sense. S I will prasy for a better day and do what I have to do .
Thanks .Mark Alcoholic
Sunday, April 8, 2007
THE FIRST DRINK WILL GET YOU DRUNK
I JUST LOST MY ONE HOUR BLOG. So good day Mark alcoholic we always say that before we share . I have had a tough week up and down and I am told that is normal in early recovery. It is still very upsetting. I totally lost my program on Thursday and became very angry at home upsetting Hunter and my son. I did become what is called a dry drunk, not much fun, so I did the right thing I went straight to a meeting and shared about it. That day I received 6 calls from guys at the meeting I don't even know. I broke down and cried in front of 50 guys ,that's what it is all about.
I have to be aware of the dangers of the first drink. There will be very hard roads ahead and I am sure I will be tested daily. That's why I have to go to meetings. For me the first drink causes compulsion to kick in and this alcoholic cannot stop.
I never understood the first drink danger but I know I will be back where I started and worse. I must remember where it takes me: hospital ,detox , liver problems, near death experience, and the terrible stress on Hunter and my son.
I have since been to a number of meetings and I ran my first meeting on Friday. It was an open discussion meeting. I read from some AA material and was able to have everybody share who needed to. I can see how getting involved with AA more and more keeps me away from that first drink.
I have lost my train of thought as I lost my blog. I just know that the AA program works and I have fought for too long. My way does not work it is that simple.
I hope that my wife can continue on my journey with me. It is not easy to live with a recovering addict but I believe God of my understanding has a plan for me. I just can't wait to find out and like all alcoholics I want it now. It does not work like that.
I will start my week with a beginner's meeting tomorrow at 7.30am and pray tonight for a sober day and a one day at a time reprieve from alcohol. I also pray that this blog will eventually help another family in recovery for that is its sole purpose to share my experience strength and hope with another family.
Thanks for letting me share.
Mark alcoholic.
I have to be aware of the dangers of the first drink. There will be very hard roads ahead and I am sure I will be tested daily. That's why I have to go to meetings. For me the first drink causes compulsion to kick in and this alcoholic cannot stop.
I never understood the first drink danger but I know I will be back where I started and worse. I must remember where it takes me: hospital ,detox , liver problems, near death experience, and the terrible stress on Hunter and my son.
I have since been to a number of meetings and I ran my first meeting on Friday. It was an open discussion meeting. I read from some AA material and was able to have everybody share who needed to. I can see how getting involved with AA more and more keeps me away from that first drink.
I have lost my train of thought as I lost my blog. I just know that the AA program works and I have fought for too long. My way does not work it is that simple.
I hope that my wife can continue on my journey with me. It is not easy to live with a recovering addict but I believe God of my understanding has a plan for me. I just can't wait to find out and like all alcoholics I want it now. It does not work like that.
I will start my week with a beginner's meeting tomorrow at 7.30am and pray tonight for a sober day and a one day at a time reprieve from alcohol. I also pray that this blog will eventually help another family in recovery for that is its sole purpose to share my experience strength and hope with another family.
Thanks for letting me share.
Mark alcoholic.
I AM JUST STARTING TO SEE MYSELF
Last night when I was going to sleep I looked at Mark and said to him " I can not believe what I have done to myself". During all the years of crisis I was not able to see myself and, I am ashamed to admit it, did not care about my appearance. Mark's remark was "that is how I feel about my days of drinking".
I started to think about how long I have been in crisis mode. Truth is, up until the past 100 plus days Mark has been an active alcoholic the entire time I have known him. He never dealt with the losses of his past and spent may years projecting these losses on to me. Things were bad on and off most of our marriage. Then, the woman who was glue for us in so many ways, my mom, had Alzheimer's that progressed to the point where she moved to Florida, away from us. The pain of losing her I think escalated things further, I truly stopped seeing myself when I lost her. Mom lived in our home on an off during the years before she moved and became a part of everything our family did. Mark and I both spent countless hours talking with her, helping her, dancing with her, travelling with her, laughing with her and truly loving having her around. Sadly during this time I did not know how bad Mark's disease was and that, according to my family, he was stealing from my mom. I am still not sure I completely believe this as during that time we gave so very much to my mom-not financially as we did not have the means to -but in terms of life, love, time, patience, fun, caring, sharing, and all else that makes life worth living. I do know that Mark's disease prevented mom from spending the rest of her days with us and I am sad about this as today, she no longer knows who I am and I can not talk on the phone with her as she does not know how to and it is too painful. Because she is so far away I can not hold her hand, sit by her bed, hug her and let her know that no matter what we love her and due to the circumstances in our home-alcoholism and recovery and lack of money I can not freely go and visit her.
So, I think I stopped seeing myself when mom left. She left us with a note saying that she knew she was not coming back here. She did come for one summer and I so wish I had another summer with her here.
So things really went downhill when mom left that was 4 years ago. I became unable to hold down a job and Mark spent his days drunk (he was probably doing this long before this time).
I really did stop seeing myself as all became a crisis.
A myriad of images stream through my mind as I think of this time including crashing my car 5 times, driving in the car with our son and Mark and Mark pulling the emergency break and stopping the car, mark getting out of a moving car on the highway, mark passing out and having seizures while in the car, mark showing up at events stone drunk to the point of embarrassment, having my ear drums broken, calling info line at all hours of the night in crisis to stop the raging and to get some help...all the while being fearful of the police coming and taking my son away from me....finally an ambulance taking Mark to the emergency room, where he nearly died of double pneumonia. All alcohol induced.
While all of this was going on I had been travelling back and forth to Florida to help care for my mom who nearly died in the hospital. I sat by her bed and cared for her day and night and then helped with home care when she went home so that the professional caregivers could have some relief and also so that mom was not alone. I was so well trained in caregiving at that point that it was easy to sit by Mark's side in the hospital, make sure he got the best care and was comfortable.
I was so overwhelmed....I did not see myself.
Mark came home from the hospital and we moved house. I prayed the nightmare was over and the move would be a new beginning....Wrong again...the bottle followed us and polluted our new home, our woods , the pond, and our new life.
That was 21 months ago and it took 20 of those 21 for me to finally start to see myself! I am not sure that I would have been able to do this if Mark had not been given the gift of sobriety.
Reviewing the chronology since our move for me is helpful. In August 2005 Mark went to his first AA meeting (it was either that or jail), in Sept. 2005 he went to first rehab-High Watch-he showed up drunk and was sent to detox and then was later admitted.. He did not stay the full time but did come home a different person which lasted about 3 weeks..Then he started drinking again and life became worse. DCF (children an family services) and the police were called into he home numerous times. Christmas and new years were horrible and full of crisis.
In January 2006 I moved out of the house with our son and stayed in a domestic violence shelter. I was so lucky to have this place as a refuge but felt I did not belong there-I came from a good family people like me don't end up in places like this -that is and was denial....
I clearly could not see myself.
After 3 weeks I moved into a friends home for 3 weeks. During this time I maintained constant contact with Mark and discovered many painful things-he was with other women and stealing from me...Why did I put up with this and why did I still love him?
Clearly I could not see myself!
Finally I asked him to leave on February 15, 2006. Stupidly I let him drive a car that was in my name, exposing myself to enormous liability. He came back briefly in March 2006 and in April 2006 I had the car keys taken away from him by the police. He left on a train and bus to his friends house in Amagansett NY. During this time our house was broken into and special possessions of mine were stolen (mark was the only suspect in the police investigation). How could he do this to me and our son? It was not him -addiction took over his mind and his soul and turned him into a crazy person.
Sadly during this time I felt alone and abandoned by my family, my friends, and Mark's family-who blamed me for mark's disease! Thank God for the support of the community we moved into who helped me and our son through this horrible time.
How could I possibly see myself?
So June 2006 rolls around. Mark has burned all his bridges in Amagansett and has no place to go. He shows up at our doorstep, our son is excited to have daddy home, I do not know what to do. So I allow him to sleep outside in our yard on the condition that he checks in to a rehab within a month. On July 18th he goes to a place called Arms Acres. I also take decisive action at this time by filing for a restraining order. It was so hard for me to do this and I passed out at the courthouse when I did. I did not enforce the restraining order but knew I could if he did not commit to getting better and not drinking I would have to for the safety of our son and myself.
I guess I was starting to see myself at this point but in denial.
Mark did not stay the entire time at rehab because we were out of money and insurance would not pay for it. He did stay sober until September 30th but in many ways was still in denial and in hindsight a slip was not surprising. The end of this nightmare was coming...one way or another!
In December 2006 I called the police because Mark was drunk and out of order and I promised myself I would not live like that ever again or expose our son to it. The next day our son's school calls and informs me that our son reported abusive behavior from his dad to them...DCF (children's and family services) is called in again. Mark is told that he can no longer drink and be part or our life. This time there is no turning back as I do not want our son in a foster home and if I do not act decisively and keep him in a calm peaceful environment that is what will happen.
So what do you think happens...Mark gets drunk the next day....A cunning and baffling disease is alcoholism.
True to my word I call the police and Mark gets arrested but released to the custody of a friend. That is the day, December 16th, he has his last drink.
On December 18th we go to court and an order of protection is issued which stipulates he can not drink or be abusive in or near our home. Christmas and New years were the worst ever as I discover money we needed to pay bills was stolen by him and used for other things.
January 2007 Mark is not drinking and working on his sobriety but still lying to me. It is now April 2007.
Things are getting better. I am sure that Mark is still lying to me about things but I know he is working on staying sober and becoming a better person. I respect him for this it is hard work. A sparkle is coming back into our son's eyes that had disappeared during the year's of crisis and this morning before Mark went to his AA meeting the four of us (Mark, me, our son, and our dog) had a long snuggle in bed hugging and loving....It has been a long journey to get there and it is getting better one day at a time.
How long has it been really bad? 40 months! Why did I stay with Mark?-We need each other and love each other and our son needs his family. What will the future hold? By the grace of God more and more stability, sobriety, afternoons at baseball with our son, and snuggles in the morning...Much better than the nightmare we have lived or any other solution.
And best of all, today I can see myself. I have let myself go during these years of crisis as I was barely functioning. Yesterday's Hazeleden Thought For The Day (http://www.hazeden.org )sums up where I need to be now and everyday for the rest of my life:
"Do we love and care for our body as well as we love and care for our home and car? Do we feel our body deserves full attention and a loving maintenance plan?Taking our body for granted is easy because of its remarkable durability and regenerative power. We may get lulled into a false sense of "nine lives" body security, believing our physical being will fix itself no matter what.Self-care takes time and priority planning to be successful. We may find we put off our exercise and nutritional needs, saying, "Tomorrow I'll start taking better care of myself." But sooner or later tomorrow comes, and our body produces symptoms that demand attention.Learning to love and nurture our body brings rewards without measure. We deserve to reap the benefits starting today.Today let me realize that respect for my body builds a healing temple in which the rest of my life can grow.
'
I started to think about how long I have been in crisis mode. Truth is, up until the past 100 plus days Mark has been an active alcoholic the entire time I have known him. He never dealt with the losses of his past and spent may years projecting these losses on to me. Things were bad on and off most of our marriage. Then, the woman who was glue for us in so many ways, my mom, had Alzheimer's that progressed to the point where she moved to Florida, away from us. The pain of losing her I think escalated things further, I truly stopped seeing myself when I lost her. Mom lived in our home on an off during the years before she moved and became a part of everything our family did. Mark and I both spent countless hours talking with her, helping her, dancing with her, travelling with her, laughing with her and truly loving having her around. Sadly during this time I did not know how bad Mark's disease was and that, according to my family, he was stealing from my mom. I am still not sure I completely believe this as during that time we gave so very much to my mom-not financially as we did not have the means to -but in terms of life, love, time, patience, fun, caring, sharing, and all else that makes life worth living. I do know that Mark's disease prevented mom from spending the rest of her days with us and I am sad about this as today, she no longer knows who I am and I can not talk on the phone with her as she does not know how to and it is too painful. Because she is so far away I can not hold her hand, sit by her bed, hug her and let her know that no matter what we love her and due to the circumstances in our home-alcoholism and recovery and lack of money I can not freely go and visit her.
So, I think I stopped seeing myself when mom left. She left us with a note saying that she knew she was not coming back here. She did come for one summer and I so wish I had another summer with her here.
So things really went downhill when mom left that was 4 years ago. I became unable to hold down a job and Mark spent his days drunk (he was probably doing this long before this time).
I really did stop seeing myself as all became a crisis.
A myriad of images stream through my mind as I think of this time including crashing my car 5 times, driving in the car with our son and Mark and Mark pulling the emergency break and stopping the car, mark getting out of a moving car on the highway, mark passing out and having seizures while in the car, mark showing up at events stone drunk to the point of embarrassment, having my ear drums broken, calling info line at all hours of the night in crisis to stop the raging and to get some help...all the while being fearful of the police coming and taking my son away from me....finally an ambulance taking Mark to the emergency room, where he nearly died of double pneumonia. All alcohol induced.
While all of this was going on I had been travelling back and forth to Florida to help care for my mom who nearly died in the hospital. I sat by her bed and cared for her day and night and then helped with home care when she went home so that the professional caregivers could have some relief and also so that mom was not alone. I was so well trained in caregiving at that point that it was easy to sit by Mark's side in the hospital, make sure he got the best care and was comfortable.
I was so overwhelmed....I did not see myself.
Mark came home from the hospital and we moved house. I prayed the nightmare was over and the move would be a new beginning....Wrong again...the bottle followed us and polluted our new home, our woods , the pond, and our new life.
That was 21 months ago and it took 20 of those 21 for me to finally start to see myself! I am not sure that I would have been able to do this if Mark had not been given the gift of sobriety.
Reviewing the chronology since our move for me is helpful. In August 2005 Mark went to his first AA meeting (it was either that or jail), in Sept. 2005 he went to first rehab-High Watch-he showed up drunk and was sent to detox and then was later admitted.. He did not stay the full time but did come home a different person which lasted about 3 weeks..Then he started drinking again and life became worse. DCF (children an family services) and the police were called into he home numerous times. Christmas and new years were horrible and full of crisis.
In January 2006 I moved out of the house with our son and stayed in a domestic violence shelter. I was so lucky to have this place as a refuge but felt I did not belong there-I came from a good family people like me don't end up in places like this -that is and was denial....
I clearly could not see myself.
After 3 weeks I moved into a friends home for 3 weeks. During this time I maintained constant contact with Mark and discovered many painful things-he was with other women and stealing from me...Why did I put up with this and why did I still love him?
Clearly I could not see myself!
Finally I asked him to leave on February 15, 2006. Stupidly I let him drive a car that was in my name, exposing myself to enormous liability. He came back briefly in March 2006 and in April 2006 I had the car keys taken away from him by the police. He left on a train and bus to his friends house in Amagansett NY. During this time our house was broken into and special possessions of mine were stolen (mark was the only suspect in the police investigation). How could he do this to me and our son? It was not him -addiction took over his mind and his soul and turned him into a crazy person.
Sadly during this time I felt alone and abandoned by my family, my friends, and Mark's family-who blamed me for mark's disease! Thank God for the support of the community we moved into who helped me and our son through this horrible time.
How could I possibly see myself?
So June 2006 rolls around. Mark has burned all his bridges in Amagansett and has no place to go. He shows up at our doorstep, our son is excited to have daddy home, I do not know what to do. So I allow him to sleep outside in our yard on the condition that he checks in to a rehab within a month. On July 18th he goes to a place called Arms Acres. I also take decisive action at this time by filing for a restraining order. It was so hard for me to do this and I passed out at the courthouse when I did. I did not enforce the restraining order but knew I could if he did not commit to getting better and not drinking I would have to for the safety of our son and myself.
I guess I was starting to see myself at this point but in denial.
Mark did not stay the entire time at rehab because we were out of money and insurance would not pay for it. He did stay sober until September 30th but in many ways was still in denial and in hindsight a slip was not surprising. The end of this nightmare was coming...one way or another!
In December 2006 I called the police because Mark was drunk and out of order and I promised myself I would not live like that ever again or expose our son to it. The next day our son's school calls and informs me that our son reported abusive behavior from his dad to them...DCF (children's and family services) is called in again. Mark is told that he can no longer drink and be part or our life. This time there is no turning back as I do not want our son in a foster home and if I do not act decisively and keep him in a calm peaceful environment that is what will happen.
So what do you think happens...Mark gets drunk the next day....A cunning and baffling disease is alcoholism.
True to my word I call the police and Mark gets arrested but released to the custody of a friend. That is the day, December 16th, he has his last drink.
On December 18th we go to court and an order of protection is issued which stipulates he can not drink or be abusive in or near our home. Christmas and New years were the worst ever as I discover money we needed to pay bills was stolen by him and used for other things.
January 2007 Mark is not drinking and working on his sobriety but still lying to me. It is now April 2007.
Things are getting better. I am sure that Mark is still lying to me about things but I know he is working on staying sober and becoming a better person. I respect him for this it is hard work. A sparkle is coming back into our son's eyes that had disappeared during the year's of crisis and this morning before Mark went to his AA meeting the four of us (Mark, me, our son, and our dog) had a long snuggle in bed hugging and loving....It has been a long journey to get there and it is getting better one day at a time.
How long has it been really bad? 40 months! Why did I stay with Mark?-We need each other and love each other and our son needs his family. What will the future hold? By the grace of God more and more stability, sobriety, afternoons at baseball with our son, and snuggles in the morning...Much better than the nightmare we have lived or any other solution.
And best of all, today I can see myself. I have let myself go during these years of crisis as I was barely functioning. Yesterday's Hazeleden Thought For The Day (http://www.hazeden.org )sums up where I need to be now and everyday for the rest of my life:
"Do we love and care for our body as well as we love and care for our home and car? Do we feel our body deserves full attention and a loving maintenance plan?Taking our body for granted is easy because of its remarkable durability and regenerative power. We may get lulled into a false sense of "nine lives" body security, believing our physical being will fix itself no matter what.Self-care takes time and priority planning to be successful. We may find we put off our exercise and nutritional needs, saying, "Tomorrow I'll start taking better care of myself." But sooner or later tomorrow comes, and our body produces symptoms that demand attention.Learning to love and nurture our body brings rewards without measure. We deserve to reap the benefits starting today.Today let me realize that respect for my body builds a healing temple in which the rest of my life can grow.
'
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