Good Morning,
Usual morning routine. My husband brought me coffee in bed and made our son his favorite breakfast. He then left for his AA meeting and I sat down to write today's blog. I am feeling very proud of Mark this morning as he said to me he had to get to his meeting as he is having terrible thoughts about drinking-he is close to completing 90 days for the first time. He is not going to slip but his disease does not want him to succeed.
My alanon program teaches me to keep the focus on myself. I am working on this. But marriage and family is very important to me. We have a beautiful son who needs us both and is doing so much better in so many ways as a direct result of our recovery and our staying together. We have chosen to work as a family to recover from addiction and we do not want to live without Mark. After hitting bottom as a family in 2006 we all know that he can not be a part of our lives if he gives into his disease. So, I am proud of him everytime he goes to a meeting and works his program. I am delighted that his AA program and the stories he hears consume his thoughts and that he knows the importance of his program. I am also grateful that he has a wonderful sponsor and some incredible co-sponsors/friends that guide him through his recovery.
Last night our 8 year old asked me why we moved out of the house last year and stayed in different places. It is upsetting to me that he and I ever had to go through that but we did. I gently reminded him of the monster that takes possession of his dad when he drinks. My son replied "oh ya...I don't want him to drink ever again." You see one thing I have always done, no matter what, is encouraged our son to love his dad and see the good. There is so much good now that he is not drinking AND working his AA program and steps diligently.
I keep praying and letting G-d know how grateful I am everyday for the sobriety in our home. Our life is still full of problems, the biggest being financial and the fear and anxiety about this I had yesterday has not gone away. But truly things are better one day at a time.
Alanon and AA are the same basic programs. One of the sayings for both is that when you get better the people around you get better. I am a much better person now than 2 years ago when I came into the Alanon rooms. Our life did not change until I did. My husband often reminds me that I am a different person now. He is now changing and our life is getting even better.
I can be labeled by some as Co-Dependent. This is probably true. But I am OK with this today as it is more of an interdependence that is starting to develop. I am still full of a lot of doubts and anxiety in our relationship-mostly revolving around honesty and trust. These are two things that are crucial to any good relationship. AA and Alanon will not teach us how to build our relationship but they have helped us both learn to communicate better. We are starting to set healthy boundaries, which can only be done when there is no substance abuse.
My sponsor told me yesterday that just because an alcoholic stops drinking they do not stop lying. this is a tough pill for me to swallow and one that I confront my husband with daily. I do believe that this is true in many ways. I also believe that working the AA program 10000% will help change this character defect AND that with solid program on both sides, and lack of substance abuse, healthy channels of communications are opening more and more each day.
Every relationship takes work. I am so very grateful that this horrible addiction/disease is getting the treatment it needs and that we have a chance to get to know each other and become a tight knit family unit....You see we are all really very much alone. His family in the UK has nothing to do with us and my family in the U.S. is spread out and dysfunctional. My father is dead, my mother has advanced Alzheimer's, one of my sisters who is so very special to me is married to a very difficult man who hates me and does not allow me in their house, and my other sister has her own issues and can not be there for us. No one has come to our home since we moved here 2 years ago and as much as we would love to have a family holiday in our home, no one would come if we did. In fact, every holiday I wonder who will take us in or if we will be alone just us three. I will say that my uncle remarried a wonderful lady several years ago. As my mom's disease advanced she became more and more a "matriarch" and backbone for our family. She has her hands full with addiction issues in my uncle's family, and issues with her own very large and wonderful Spanish family. Yet she always has time and love for everyone. I know I can always count on her and that is a good feeling. I also know that I am stronger now as a result of my Alanon work and easier to be around as a result.
Locally we are alone. Mark's disease, and mine, has pushed many away from us. Many people have seen his name in the local police blotter over the past few years and as a result distance themselves from us and do not allow their kids to come to our house for play dates. When I say my disease I am referring to how sick I became as a result of living with active alcoholism. It was not much fun to be around me during those days as I was not alive I was a "human doing not a human being". I created crisis and dysfunction wherever I went-not intentionally but things were so crazy and abusive and I could not understand it. I am so very grateful that I am better now and I do see things changing in my relationships as a result.
We don't have many friends and don't really socialize....THIS WILL ALL CHANGE ONE DAY AT A TIME, AS LONG AS HE CONTINUES TO TAKE HIS DAILY MEDICINE OF AA AND I CONTINUE TO KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME AND REMEMBER MY ALANON PROGRAM.
Please note, there are links on the blog to the official Alanon and AA sites. We will continue to post new and helpful things as they come along.
Have a great day.
Hunter
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Friday, March 9, 2007
one day at a time
Good afternoon my name is still Mark and I am still an alcoholic
I am in a very dangerous position that means I have never made it to 90 days before ,the only way I can make it possible is to stay close to my program my sponsor and God.
This task to most normal people without a disease would seem simple as a chronic slipper and I have had many relapses ,believe me it is not easy ,my sponsor suggested that their is to much put on the 90 days in AA and that I should look at a 100 day a target and the 90 will fly by simple advice remember this is a simple program for complicated people.
One thing I try to remember is the nights I laid awake soaked in sweat the shakes detoxing endless times, without medication a very dangerous thing to do!.As I mentioned before I may flip around with my notes, today I am starting to see the real strain my marriage has been put under and it pains me to see my wife so sad and so hurt .
I do believe that it will get better ,the recovery rate from the early days in AA back in the 1930s has dropped from the 70% area to single digits if ,as I believe I can continue with recovery I know things at home will get better even so remember it took us many years to become as bad as I became and it will not get better over night ,the walk in the woods was many years the walk back out maybe be a little quicker but it still remains a one day at a time mission.
You will also have the opportunity to join my journey with some humor I see great joy even with all the stress in seeing my son and things getting a little calmer at home the bottom line is when the financial stuff is fixed I will still be an alcoholic. I will if I want to stay sober need to work an AA program for the rest of my life ?
I live in a town on the East coast of America and thank god the town I am in is full of AA meeting and therefor full of drunks! recovering most of us.I go to all types of meetings let me explain some of the types of meetings that I go to their are big book meetings the bible of AA, their are step meetings the 12 steps of recovery I am on step 12 now a real tough one I will explain more on the steps as I get to know you and myself better . Their are open discussion meetings or more like group therapy we call them dumping grounds their are plenty of fruit cakes in recovery!. Other meetings include speaker meetings came to believe meetings as Bill sees it our founder and others I will mention as I go.
I also receive daily thoughts from Hazelden a well known recovery foundation. I thought Today's was very good for me(If someone is going to c0ntrol me, it might as well be me).
Interesting but scary after all look where my best thinking got me! By the way the link to Hazelden to sign up is www.hazelden.org/register.
I am obviously going to protect the anonymity of my new found friends in AA and believe me there are some real characters. Us drunks are a very interesting bunch. Also remember this disease knows no boundaries; effects all walks of life; and cares not about your bank balance male or female. We have bank chairman, multi-millionaires, truckers, homeless, doctors, you name it, the disease is everywhere, the list of celebrities is endless, and politicians are numerous .
One of things I love about AA is that we forget all this when we get together we have a common bond in recovery to stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety.
Today I will go to 3 meetings. I have already done two-my home group meeting, which turned into a marriage counseling session, (remember I need to hear about alcohol and how to stay away from that first drink not some guys or women's marriage problem-they can call their shrink, marriage counsellor, or sponsor for that stuff! I have to remember for if I take the first drink all bets are off... I am done. The second meeting I attended was huge- close to 200 people... some disease ? It was a topic meeting, not great but the topic was the closing of the window of fun. When using most of us ended up drinking alone, hiding our drinking- or at least we thought we were- and isolating. Some fun that was! We ended up alone but remember in AA we are together and we recover as a group its like the flock that looses a member we must gather round and stick together when one of loses the direction. The last meeting today will be a speaker meeting at 5.30. I like speaker meetings as long as they do not turn into war stories. We all have war stories and I can match all of them. I like to hear the message of how we recover one day at a time so I will let you know later about the speaker meeting.
I remember last summer when I was away from my wife -separated. I walked into a speaker meeting in the Hampton's and looked at the speaker. My first thought was " wow is this guy shooting a movie ?". No he was an alcoholic in recovery for 18 years. Yes he was a famous actor but at that meeting he was just one of us- another bozo on the bus battling the disease of alcohol and was their to share his experience strength and hope. As it turned out he sponsored my temporary sponsor's sponsor so I got to know him well -some story!
One thing that fascinates me-they call me a newcomer , I have 86 days, and have been in AA for two years! The old timers, like my friend in my home group with 35 years of sobriety, still goes everyday....Why? He tells me he is as close to a drink as a guy with one day and he continues with meetings with the same passion he drank with. He has tremendous wisdom and is very kind to me he has never lost hope with me and in fact he is my great great grandfather sponsor as he sponsors my sponsors sponsor, confusing!
I still to this day am dealing with acceptance...me an alcoholic ? Denial is one of the most dangerous things in recovery. You see I believe one day I will be able to drink again like normal people. But it is just not possible because I don't drink like normal people do. Sometimes I wish I did but my disease just does not allow it . What I do is focus on is today. I cannot think that I will never drink again because its daunting and is a trigger to slipping so I just deal with it one day at a time you will hear me say that many times so I will apologize now.
Must go the 5.30 is calling and it is time for my AA medicine .
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
I am in a very dangerous position that means I have never made it to 90 days before ,the only way I can make it possible is to stay close to my program my sponsor and God.
This task to most normal people without a disease would seem simple as a chronic slipper and I have had many relapses ,believe me it is not easy ,my sponsor suggested that their is to much put on the 90 days in AA and that I should look at a 100 day a target and the 90 will fly by simple advice remember this is a simple program for complicated people.
One thing I try to remember is the nights I laid awake soaked in sweat the shakes detoxing endless times, without medication a very dangerous thing to do!.As I mentioned before I may flip around with my notes, today I am starting to see the real strain my marriage has been put under and it pains me to see my wife so sad and so hurt .
I do believe that it will get better ,the recovery rate from the early days in AA back in the 1930s has dropped from the 70% area to single digits if ,as I believe I can continue with recovery I know things at home will get better even so remember it took us many years to become as bad as I became and it will not get better over night ,the walk in the woods was many years the walk back out maybe be a little quicker but it still remains a one day at a time mission.
You will also have the opportunity to join my journey with some humor I see great joy even with all the stress in seeing my son and things getting a little calmer at home the bottom line is when the financial stuff is fixed I will still be an alcoholic. I will if I want to stay sober need to work an AA program for the rest of my life ?
I live in a town on the East coast of America and thank god the town I am in is full of AA meeting and therefor full of drunks! recovering most of us.I go to all types of meetings let me explain some of the types of meetings that I go to their are big book meetings the bible of AA, their are step meetings the 12 steps of recovery I am on step 12 now a real tough one I will explain more on the steps as I get to know you and myself better . Their are open discussion meetings or more like group therapy we call them dumping grounds their are plenty of fruit cakes in recovery!. Other meetings include speaker meetings came to believe meetings as Bill sees it our founder and others I will mention as I go.
I also receive daily thoughts from Hazelden a well known recovery foundation. I thought Today's was very good for me(If someone is going to c0ntrol me, it might as well be me).
Interesting but scary after all look where my best thinking got me! By the way the link to Hazelden to sign up is www.hazelden.org/register.
I am obviously going to protect the anonymity of my new found friends in AA and believe me there are some real characters. Us drunks are a very interesting bunch. Also remember this disease knows no boundaries; effects all walks of life; and cares not about your bank balance male or female. We have bank chairman, multi-millionaires, truckers, homeless, doctors, you name it, the disease is everywhere, the list of celebrities is endless, and politicians are numerous .
One of things I love about AA is that we forget all this when we get together we have a common bond in recovery to stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety.
Today I will go to 3 meetings. I have already done two-my home group meeting, which turned into a marriage counseling session, (remember I need to hear about alcohol and how to stay away from that first drink not some guys or women's marriage problem-they can call their shrink, marriage counsellor, or sponsor for that stuff! I have to remember for if I take the first drink all bets are off... I am done. The second meeting I attended was huge- close to 200 people... some disease ? It was a topic meeting, not great but the topic was the closing of the window of fun. When using most of us ended up drinking alone, hiding our drinking- or at least we thought we were- and isolating. Some fun that was! We ended up alone but remember in AA we are together and we recover as a group its like the flock that looses a member we must gather round and stick together when one of loses the direction. The last meeting today will be a speaker meeting at 5.30. I like speaker meetings as long as they do not turn into war stories. We all have war stories and I can match all of them. I like to hear the message of how we recover one day at a time so I will let you know later about the speaker meeting.
I remember last summer when I was away from my wife -separated. I walked into a speaker meeting in the Hampton's and looked at the speaker. My first thought was " wow is this guy shooting a movie ?". No he was an alcoholic in recovery for 18 years. Yes he was a famous actor but at that meeting he was just one of us- another bozo on the bus battling the disease of alcohol and was their to share his experience strength and hope. As it turned out he sponsored my temporary sponsor's sponsor so I got to know him well -some story!
One thing that fascinates me-they call me a newcomer , I have 86 days, and have been in AA for two years! The old timers, like my friend in my home group with 35 years of sobriety, still goes everyday....Why? He tells me he is as close to a drink as a guy with one day and he continues with meetings with the same passion he drank with. He has tremendous wisdom and is very kind to me he has never lost hope with me and in fact he is my great great grandfather sponsor as he sponsors my sponsors sponsor, confusing!
I still to this day am dealing with acceptance...me an alcoholic ? Denial is one of the most dangerous things in recovery. You see I believe one day I will be able to drink again like normal people. But it is just not possible because I don't drink like normal people do. Sometimes I wish I did but my disease just does not allow it . What I do is focus on is today. I cannot think that I will never drink again because its daunting and is a trigger to slipping so I just deal with it one day at a time you will hear me say that many times so I will apologize now.
Must go the 5.30 is calling and it is time for my AA medicine .
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference
The Family Perspective: Lack of Trust and Frustration
My husband left, as usual, at 7am to go to his daily AA meeting. I love his commitment to this and I recognize that meetings are his medicine. Also like most diseases recovery does not happen overnight and things do get better one day at a time. Understanding this makes me a bit calmer, but I continue to wrestle with on a daily basis with the desire to believe what my husband says and constant disappointment when things don't happen as planned. I need medication to help me stay calm and get through each day (as do many of my friends who have lived through alcoholic relationships) and everyday there are many reminders of the wreckage of the past-small and large.
Reminders can be small things like looking in the woods that abut our property and seeing old empty bottles- saw two this morning-one I put in the recycle bin and the other was stuck to the frost on the leaves so it will remain there until the spring. During the days of drinking there would be at least 10-20 of these bottles hidden in the woods, some still with wine in them and then more empty ones floating in the lake that abuts the other side of our property. There would even be open bottles in the car with an explanation from my husband saying his AA sponsor told him to keep an open bottle around at all times to remind him of the drinking days!
Gratitude and recovery is knowing that this does not happen anymore, laughing together about the bullshit excuses he had for having wine around, and being happy to see cans of diet soda laying in the woods (although I would prefer to see just nature!) . But it still feels like an arrow through my heart when I see those old bottles, still popping up. I have many friends and family who have had similar experiences. One that comes to mind is my uncle's wife, who died very young and for years and years after he death he still found bottles hidden in the craziest of places.
Reminders can be bigger things as well such as too many stories about why things don't' work out. This is happening frequently during this first 90 days. My husband informed me several months ago that he got a wonderful job that would start in February. He was supposed to be paid on the 1st of the month. It is now the 9th and he has not received the check, nor has he been to work yet. I keep hearing the check is in the mail and other stories about delays regarding this job. I can understand mishaps with initial pay checks and slow starts but you have to realize that my husband's track record when it comes to supporting his family and living responsibly is miserable (in school grade terms it would be a negative F)....and it is not just me and our son he has failed and lied to.
In the nine years we have been together he has not helped support his 2 daughters in Europe and has disappointed them and their mother more times than I can count and lied to creditors about payment. Those kids are now beautiful young women and I pray that my husband continues on his path of recovery and that he is one day able to rebuild a healthy relationship with them . This too will require honesty and his working on being responsible and trustworthy and not lying.
I was relieved that my husband had this job as it meant we would not have to sell our home and uproot our son yet again-I love the town we live in and the education he is getting. I trusted my recovering alcoholic and made decisions based on my faith in his recovery and belief that he had this job. I would be devastated if we lost our home and I had to uproot my son-the fear of this happening dominates my life everyday. I have allowed this man to rob me financially I do not know where we could live if we lost our home as it is the only asset I have left and I do not have parents who are able to help (my dad is dead and my mom has later stages of alzheimers). I listen to friends of mine volunteering to do things to save $100 so they can buy a new pair of shoes. Today $100 for me means paying my phone bill, part or my heating or electric bill. Without his job and paycheck I no longer am able to afford this house. I trusted him and I know he is not drinking. There are may more situations like this...and when he left his morning to go to his meeting he said "what does it matter I am lying to you anyway". Maybe it is because he is English and I don't understand sarcastic humor but it was not funny and frankly it could very well be the truth. We have so many financial problems and I am so frustrated that I allowed the years of financial abuse to rob me of all I had. I trusted and naively believed in the dream of marriage and trust and gave 1000%, never dreaming that the I was married to someone with a disease that turned him into a irresponsible monster. Years ago I had a wonderful career and supporting our family was something I was able to do and not worry. Today my income is below the federal poverty level and as hard as I try to find work that can pay some of our bills I can't. I keep trying to do the next right thing but it is so very hard.
My husband starts his days in a great mood and jumps out of bed, brings me coffee in bed and makes our son his favorite breakfast then leaves to go get his daily medicine at his meetings. I start my day off shaking and sad, having a good cry, taking my medication, and getting ready to go to a part time job that a monkey could do.
SO what's a girl to believe. He has spent over 40 years lying his way through life and during the past 20 years has become so good at lying that I am not sure he knows the difference between truth and reality. I also know he is a very unique and wonderful person who stands out in a crowd when he is honest, reliable, sober and focussed and someone I could not imagine being without. But he needs to stay sober in order for that person to shine through. Recovery is slowly changing this behavior one day at a time. But I want this whole person, all of him now and have a hard time understanding that it will take time for his full recovery and that I must look for the little things learn to forgive and be guarded with my trust (something I have a hard time doing). I pray for the patience to get through his and the strength to see bullshit vs reality and make plans accordingly. I am the fool who believed he was not drinking when he was and who believed his lies and I spend my days today trusting in his recovery and believing he is really telling the truth and things are just getting messed up....Seems very fishy to me that most things that have to do with money continue to get messed up and it is very hard to accept that he is being truthful. My husband has promised that he can take care of our mortgage and bills yet he has not started his job...the mortgage is in arrears. He threatens me with divorce as if this will solve our problems and make things easier...furthermore, it is not what he means. He says he called people and promises he has done things and then people call me and ask why he has not followed through.. Today, unless his promises come through as reality, we are going to lose our home. I have no credit and the only asset I had left was my home. His lies have cost me and our son so very much. I am trusting him when he does not deserve my trust. I am blind and not allowing myself to see reality, only time will tell.
As a wife and partner I am not handling his sobriety well and I am not doing a good job helping him with his recovery. I am supposed to back off, accept, and not challenge, trust, and turn things over and understand that his sobriety comes first....I can understand and appreciate the importance of sobriety as trust and acceptance that is way too tall an order for most people given the history.
Only G-d knows what will happen..so time will tell, it will be interesting to read this blog in 6 months...Will he still be searching for the paycheck and waiting for training to start????? Or will he blame me for making him lose the job. Will we be in our home or out on the street? What other excuses will there be tomorrow and Sunday....Stay tuned.
As I leave to go to work I pray today for guidance and luck and for an opportunity to put myself back on track financially in a role that is mentally stimulating and fulfilling doing something I enjoy...something close to my home, which I pray I keep, and something that allows me flexibility to truly be there for my son to watch him grow, help guide him, and enjoy him. You see my real dream was always to be a mommy. I wanted several kids and I wanted to be around to raise them and live a traditional life with my husband as the provider. I know this is old fashioned and as such I always had a career. Instead of several kids I have one awesome boy and for that I am grateful every minute of everyday. I never dreamed that the chaos of alcoholism would so horribly uproot my life and my dreams. Today I will also pray for my husband to stay sober and keep working his program as things do get better with sobriety and there are so many wonderful things about my husband that I am getting the chance to discover each day that he stays sober.
I have a very special friend of mine who has three children and a husband in recovery. She is a woman of few words but every word is wise. She has shared many thoughts with me over the past few years all of which pop into my head on a frequent basis. She has a marriage in recovery and a beautiful little family. Recently she told me that she was unable to be around me over the past year as it reminded her too much of the pain she went through and it was too difficult to go there. Our kids are close friends and I am grateful for this. I also get to see her briefly-I love the time I get to spend with her. I remember times last year wishing I had the peace and serenity in my home that she has. Today, I do have that and it is getting better everyday. That is gratitude. Focusing on me and keeping things real is how I will get through the next phase in my recovery and my families.
My husband has returned from his meeting. He is hyper as usual and rushing me to get out of the house. He said his meeting was not good. His life revolves around his meetings and what happens in these meetings. It is hard to understand that this is the most important thing for him today and as long as he continues on this path all will get better. You see alcoholics always think it is all about them. It isn't. But those of us who love them need to empathize and try to understand that if they are working their program their heads are becoming clearer from not drinking and they are being honest with themselves and open to self discovery for the first time. Remembering the things they have done (of which I only know a small portion) and learning to forgive themselves is a tall order. Learning to trust themselves, understanding their disease, and forgive themselves is a tall order. Giving them the space to do this and understanding that change and recovery is a gradual process is important to all families in recovery. At times the anger and resentment from the past gets in the way of letting them know they are loved and can be forgiven. It is important to encourage partners in recovery and to let them know you understand. I am struggling with this....stay tuned.
Hunter
( This is my pen name as anonymity is important to me and my family. It is also the name we planned for our second child who was never conceived)
Reminders can be small things like looking in the woods that abut our property and seeing old empty bottles- saw two this morning-one I put in the recycle bin and the other was stuck to the frost on the leaves so it will remain there until the spring. During the days of drinking there would be at least 10-20 of these bottles hidden in the woods, some still with wine in them and then more empty ones floating in the lake that abuts the other side of our property. There would even be open bottles in the car with an explanation from my husband saying his AA sponsor told him to keep an open bottle around at all times to remind him of the drinking days!
Gratitude and recovery is knowing that this does not happen anymore, laughing together about the bullshit excuses he had for having wine around, and being happy to see cans of diet soda laying in the woods (although I would prefer to see just nature!) . But it still feels like an arrow through my heart when I see those old bottles, still popping up. I have many friends and family who have had similar experiences. One that comes to mind is my uncle's wife, who died very young and for years and years after he death he still found bottles hidden in the craziest of places.
Reminders can be bigger things as well such as too many stories about why things don't' work out. This is happening frequently during this first 90 days. My husband informed me several months ago that he got a wonderful job that would start in February. He was supposed to be paid on the 1st of the month. It is now the 9th and he has not received the check, nor has he been to work yet. I keep hearing the check is in the mail and other stories about delays regarding this job. I can understand mishaps with initial pay checks and slow starts but you have to realize that my husband's track record when it comes to supporting his family and living responsibly is miserable (in school grade terms it would be a negative F)....and it is not just me and our son he has failed and lied to.
In the nine years we have been together he has not helped support his 2 daughters in Europe and has disappointed them and their mother more times than I can count and lied to creditors about payment. Those kids are now beautiful young women and I pray that my husband continues on his path of recovery and that he is one day able to rebuild a healthy relationship with them . This too will require honesty and his working on being responsible and trustworthy and not lying.
I was relieved that my husband had this job as it meant we would not have to sell our home and uproot our son yet again-I love the town we live in and the education he is getting. I trusted my recovering alcoholic and made decisions based on my faith in his recovery and belief that he had this job. I would be devastated if we lost our home and I had to uproot my son-the fear of this happening dominates my life everyday. I have allowed this man to rob me financially I do not know where we could live if we lost our home as it is the only asset I have left and I do not have parents who are able to help (my dad is dead and my mom has later stages of alzheimers). I listen to friends of mine volunteering to do things to save $100 so they can buy a new pair of shoes. Today $100 for me means paying my phone bill, part or my heating or electric bill. Without his job and paycheck I no longer am able to afford this house. I trusted him and I know he is not drinking. There are may more situations like this...and when he left his morning to go to his meeting he said "what does it matter I am lying to you anyway". Maybe it is because he is English and I don't understand sarcastic humor but it was not funny and frankly it could very well be the truth. We have so many financial problems and I am so frustrated that I allowed the years of financial abuse to rob me of all I had. I trusted and naively believed in the dream of marriage and trust and gave 1000%, never dreaming that the I was married to someone with a disease that turned him into a irresponsible monster. Years ago I had a wonderful career and supporting our family was something I was able to do and not worry. Today my income is below the federal poverty level and as hard as I try to find work that can pay some of our bills I can't. I keep trying to do the next right thing but it is so very hard.
My husband starts his days in a great mood and jumps out of bed, brings me coffee in bed and makes our son his favorite breakfast then leaves to go get his daily medicine at his meetings. I start my day off shaking and sad, having a good cry, taking my medication, and getting ready to go to a part time job that a monkey could do.
SO what's a girl to believe. He has spent over 40 years lying his way through life and during the past 20 years has become so good at lying that I am not sure he knows the difference between truth and reality. I also know he is a very unique and wonderful person who stands out in a crowd when he is honest, reliable, sober and focussed and someone I could not imagine being without. But he needs to stay sober in order for that person to shine through. Recovery is slowly changing this behavior one day at a time. But I want this whole person, all of him now and have a hard time understanding that it will take time for his full recovery and that I must look for the little things learn to forgive and be guarded with my trust (something I have a hard time doing). I pray for the patience to get through his and the strength to see bullshit vs reality and make plans accordingly. I am the fool who believed he was not drinking when he was and who believed his lies and I spend my days today trusting in his recovery and believing he is really telling the truth and things are just getting messed up....Seems very fishy to me that most things that have to do with money continue to get messed up and it is very hard to accept that he is being truthful. My husband has promised that he can take care of our mortgage and bills yet he has not started his job...the mortgage is in arrears. He threatens me with divorce as if this will solve our problems and make things easier...furthermore, it is not what he means. He says he called people and promises he has done things and then people call me and ask why he has not followed through.. Today, unless his promises come through as reality, we are going to lose our home. I have no credit and the only asset I had left was my home. His lies have cost me and our son so very much. I am trusting him when he does not deserve my trust. I am blind and not allowing myself to see reality, only time will tell.
As a wife and partner I am not handling his sobriety well and I am not doing a good job helping him with his recovery. I am supposed to back off, accept, and not challenge, trust, and turn things over and understand that his sobriety comes first....I can understand and appreciate the importance of sobriety as trust and acceptance that is way too tall an order for most people given the history.
Only G-d knows what will happen..so time will tell, it will be interesting to read this blog in 6 months...Will he still be searching for the paycheck and waiting for training to start????? Or will he blame me for making him lose the job. Will we be in our home or out on the street? What other excuses will there be tomorrow and Sunday....Stay tuned.
As I leave to go to work I pray today for guidance and luck and for an opportunity to put myself back on track financially in a role that is mentally stimulating and fulfilling doing something I enjoy...something close to my home, which I pray I keep, and something that allows me flexibility to truly be there for my son to watch him grow, help guide him, and enjoy him. You see my real dream was always to be a mommy. I wanted several kids and I wanted to be around to raise them and live a traditional life with my husband as the provider. I know this is old fashioned and as such I always had a career. Instead of several kids I have one awesome boy and for that I am grateful every minute of everyday. I never dreamed that the chaos of alcoholism would so horribly uproot my life and my dreams. Today I will also pray for my husband to stay sober and keep working his program as things do get better with sobriety and there are so many wonderful things about my husband that I am getting the chance to discover each day that he stays sober.
I have a very special friend of mine who has three children and a husband in recovery. She is a woman of few words but every word is wise. She has shared many thoughts with me over the past few years all of which pop into my head on a frequent basis. She has a marriage in recovery and a beautiful little family. Recently she told me that she was unable to be around me over the past year as it reminded her too much of the pain she went through and it was too difficult to go there. Our kids are close friends and I am grateful for this. I also get to see her briefly-I love the time I get to spend with her. I remember times last year wishing I had the peace and serenity in my home that she has. Today, I do have that and it is getting better everyday. That is gratitude. Focusing on me and keeping things real is how I will get through the next phase in my recovery and my families.
My husband has returned from his meeting. He is hyper as usual and rushing me to get out of the house. He said his meeting was not good. His life revolves around his meetings and what happens in these meetings. It is hard to understand that this is the most important thing for him today and as long as he continues on this path all will get better. You see alcoholics always think it is all about them. It isn't. But those of us who love them need to empathize and try to understand that if they are working their program their heads are becoming clearer from not drinking and they are being honest with themselves and open to self discovery for the first time. Remembering the things they have done (of which I only know a small portion) and learning to forgive themselves is a tall order. Learning to trust themselves, understanding their disease, and forgive themselves is a tall order. Giving them the space to do this and understanding that change and recovery is a gradual process is important to all families in recovery. At times the anger and resentment from the past gets in the way of letting them know they are loved and can be forgiven. It is important to encourage partners in recovery and to let them know you understand. I am struggling with this....stay tuned.
Hunter
( This is my pen name as anonymity is important to me and my family. It is also the name we planned for our second child who was never conceived)
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Mark Alcholic a true story of recovery and my family
My name is Mark and I am an alcoholic. I never thought I would be saying that when I came to America in 1996. I will write my daily blogs about my recovery for the sole purpose of praying that it can help another alcholic -and their families in their journey of recovery. When I write remember I do not use a spell check so forgive the many future errors!there will be many.
I will also write as I go, there is no order to my words remember, I am an early recovering alcholic and as such I am still all over the place., one day at a time! The effect this disease has been devastating to my life and that of my families the fact we are still together and I am alive is a bloody miricle as doctor Bob said in his big book under Dr Bob's nightmare page179( How my wife kept her faith and courage during all those years I'll never know but she did. If she did not ,I know I would have been dead a long time ago . For some reason, we alcohholics seem to have a gift of picking out the worlds finest women). I will tell you more later about that.
Note this blog is not AA sanctioned nor to I wish it to be, however I do owe my life to AA.
This disease is cunning baffeling and powerful . I have heard all the slogans and I did not believe any . I finaly surrendered again almost 90 days ago my exact sobriety date is december 16th 2006 I remember it well as the police were involved and I was detoxing at my home group coffee commitment meeting at 7.30 am what a feeling how many times did I say never again how many coins did I need to add my growing collection?.
I grew up in the UK in what I thought was a fairly normal family what a joke that was . I was to find out over the years that my mother was an alcoholic and my father drank a lot both remain in denial even though my father has had pancreatitas amongst other serious problems.
I am not going to stay in order, this is not a speaker meeting !My father wants to know when I do speak for the first time how much I will be paid?
In the UK it is a very major problem however it is not talked about as much as in the USA remember we brits meet in the pub not in Starbucks!
I never new that alcoholism was a disease ? From my beginners meetings I have come to understand a great deal about the symptoms of the disease- a disease that when I was in the Hospital in 2005 with double pneumonia and serious liver problems with 6 hours to live if I was lucky ! 4 weeks later I was drinking again .
I have done the rehab thing and there are some benefits to rehab but the fact is you one day have to face the real world on lifes terms that's where AA comes in for the daily medication I go to at least one a day. Did I want to in the early days? AA meetings where a great way to get out of the house and drink and come home to a loving wife and tell her how well I was doing in my recovery . I was convinced in the early days that I was the only one that slipped ,over time I realised that even our founder and the early members of AA had serious problems in early recovery.
I became what I thought was a standing joke at my local meetings I was sure people were taking bets on whether I had been drinking or not I guess I just wanted to be the center of attention so I thought by going drunk I would be like the guys in the book after all the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I am having trouble remembering when I really started to have a problem with drinking I guess this is where some of my denial kicks in in hind site I lost a marriage ,my house burnt down, I lost a business I created from nothing with $18 million in sales, I have not spoken to my daughters for 2 years ,I have lost great friendships too numerous to mention. So I guess my drinking did start long ago. I remember I used to drink when I was around 14 I have always looked older than my years so I could always get into pubs or by alcohol when I was young. I do remember passing out one new year in the bath tub must have been due to booz.
I was a pro tennis player and soccer player in my youth and have always been in good shape so I recover very quickly when sick great asset for an alcoholic . I remember as I write a guy told me at a meeting in Florida that he thought I would be one of those guys that would not make it great encouragement ! to a suffering AA. They tell me that the success rate is in single digits my plans and prayers are to be one of the winners.Stay with me on my journey and my families journey I promise it will be honest and by helping others I do believe it will help me !
I will also write as I go, there is no order to my words remember, I am an early recovering alcholic and as such I am still all over the place., one day at a time! The effect this disease has been devastating to my life and that of my families the fact we are still together and I am alive is a bloody miricle as doctor Bob said in his big book under Dr Bob's nightmare page179( How my wife kept her faith and courage during all those years I'll never know but she did. If she did not ,I know I would have been dead a long time ago . For some reason, we alcohholics seem to have a gift of picking out the worlds finest women). I will tell you more later about that.
Note this blog is not AA sanctioned nor to I wish it to be, however I do owe my life to AA.
This disease is cunning baffeling and powerful . I have heard all the slogans and I did not believe any . I finaly surrendered again almost 90 days ago my exact sobriety date is december 16th 2006 I remember it well as the police were involved and I was detoxing at my home group coffee commitment meeting at 7.30 am what a feeling how many times did I say never again how many coins did I need to add my growing collection?.
I grew up in the UK in what I thought was a fairly normal family what a joke that was . I was to find out over the years that my mother was an alcoholic and my father drank a lot both remain in denial even though my father has had pancreatitas amongst other serious problems.
I am not going to stay in order, this is not a speaker meeting !My father wants to know when I do speak for the first time how much I will be paid?
In the UK it is a very major problem however it is not talked about as much as in the USA remember we brits meet in the pub not in Starbucks!
I never new that alcoholism was a disease ? From my beginners meetings I have come to understand a great deal about the symptoms of the disease- a disease that when I was in the Hospital in 2005 with double pneumonia and serious liver problems with 6 hours to live if I was lucky ! 4 weeks later I was drinking again .
I have done the rehab thing and there are some benefits to rehab but the fact is you one day have to face the real world on lifes terms that's where AA comes in for the daily medication I go to at least one a day. Did I want to in the early days? AA meetings where a great way to get out of the house and drink and come home to a loving wife and tell her how well I was doing in my recovery . I was convinced in the early days that I was the only one that slipped ,over time I realised that even our founder and the early members of AA had serious problems in early recovery.
I became what I thought was a standing joke at my local meetings I was sure people were taking bets on whether I had been drinking or not I guess I just wanted to be the center of attention so I thought by going drunk I would be like the guys in the book after all the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
I am having trouble remembering when I really started to have a problem with drinking I guess this is where some of my denial kicks in in hind site I lost a marriage ,my house burnt down, I lost a business I created from nothing with $18 million in sales, I have not spoken to my daughters for 2 years ,I have lost great friendships too numerous to mention. So I guess my drinking did start long ago. I remember I used to drink when I was around 14 I have always looked older than my years so I could always get into pubs or by alcohol when I was young. I do remember passing out one new year in the bath tub must have been due to booz.
I was a pro tennis player and soccer player in my youth and have always been in good shape so I recover very quickly when sick great asset for an alcoholic . I remember as I write a guy told me at a meeting in Florida that he thought I would be one of those guys that would not make it great encouragement ! to a suffering AA. They tell me that the success rate is in single digits my plans and prayers are to be one of the winners.Stay with me on my journey and my families journey I promise it will be honest and by helping others I do believe it will help me !
Keeping a Marriage and Family Together in the first 90 days of Sobriety
Welcome to our family blog on addiction and recovery. The goal of this blog is to share our family's experience, one day at a time, on the road to recovery from the addict's perspective and that of the family. Recovery is a hard process for all involved, not just the addict and this blog is intended to be a forum for all families in recovery. Both my husband, the recovering addict, and me-the family member will post daily blogs reflecting on a topic for the day and our recovery as a family.
Our Background
My husband has been an active alcoholic most of his 47 years and after numeorus bouts with death, loss of financial security, a DWI, and many other things he is on the road to true recovery. He was brought up in a family and culture where drinking large amounts of alcohol was regarded as normal. To this day his famliy does not understand his disease or why he can not drink normally. Recently they asked him when he was going to start getting paid for speaking at AA meetings!!! I was brought up in a household full of love where yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc...was normal behavior-no wonder living with an active alcoholic did not seem strange to me! Our child knows more about alcoholism and addiction than he should in his young years and sadly my husbands ex-wife and daughters have also suffered greatly from this disease.
I have numerous friends, and family members, who are struggling with addiction and recovery. None of us are terminally unique. But the miracle of recovery from addiction and the road of recovery for the family is an incredible experience-and not easy.
Today Day 1 of our Blog, Day 82 of Sobriety
As I write this my husband is leaving to go an AA meeting. He is in his first 90 days of reovery (for the 7th time) BUT this time he really has a solid program and no desire to drink. As his head becomes clearer he remembers horrible things he did while active and is starting to process things... As his wife, I am the whipping post for his anxiety. My head swells with anxiety and "overload" many times as his behaviour reminds me of the drinking days. It is hard for me to "let go" of the horrible things he did while he was drinking, including robbing our house and taking family heirlooms and special posessions that can not not be replaced. I have a hard time letting go of my loss of a wonderful career that I had to give up in order to care for our child and create some kind of normalcy in his life. And now that I want to get back into the workforce I am frustrated at the lack of opportunites for me.
The good news is that we are learning new ways to communicate without screaming and yelling and the violence and abusethat was constant during the drinking days has disappeared. Our child is doing much better in school concentrating and learning, and I am finally able to enjoy making our surroundings beautiful painting, decorating, and organizing our home.
I am not going to use this blog to dwell on the horrible past we have had during the drinking years, the numerous times the police have been at our home, the loss of material possessions and professional opportunites, the involvement of domestic violence counsellors and children's protective agencies-I am going to use it to focus on the present and future: family life in recovery from addiction.
Trust and rebuilding trust is a really tough process. While I have to forgive and let go of the past, I must be guarded with my trust and I don't like this feeling. An addict's behaviour is so inconceviable. It troubles me to think about all the lies I accepted as truth and how much I allowed to be taken from me. As my husband truly works is AA program he is becoming rigorously honest, I do not trust his honesty as there is always a story as to why things don't work out as planned. When something happens that is upsetting, I fear he is going to go out and drink again. It is a fine line, like walking on eggshells and I realize that the first 90 days are critical. So I am waiting and biding my time and turn things over to God. I pray a lot that things will get better and I look for the small miracles. He will have 90 days a week from now. This is a scary process yet I see he is different now and focussed on taking care of his responsibilities and rebuilding his life.
I am grateful for the chance to rebuild our lives as a family and for the love we have for each other. In many respects living with an addict in recovery is like living with a new person, one that is actually quite likeable. It would be so much harder for us as a family if the path of addiction led us to divorce, as it does for so many families and almost did for us. Today I pray that he starts back on his career path and that I am ables to get back into the workplace in a meaningful capacity. I am frustrated that I gave up a very successful career to care for my family during the years of addiction and that I did not choose to go to school for an advanced degree. Although my years of experience and professionalism outweigh the degree, I have been out of the workplace for a few years and finging it hard to find meaningful work. BUT I no longer have to live crisis to crisis and with persistence and serenity I know all is possible.
One Day at a Time it is all getting better and I am practicing patience..It is not easy.
The biggest miracle is my husband's commitment not to drink. The knock on effect on our family is awesome. The biggest and most important knock on effect is that our child is doing better concentrating at school, happier, and is not subject to the abussive environment brought on by alcoholism and addiction. There is also strength and honesty here as we all know that reliving the past and accepting unacceptable behavior is never an option ever again. We are all learning how to set healthy boundaries and to communicate in a normal way.
Our Background
My husband has been an active alcoholic most of his 47 years and after numeorus bouts with death, loss of financial security, a DWI, and many other things he is on the road to true recovery. He was brought up in a family and culture where drinking large amounts of alcohol was regarded as normal. To this day his famliy does not understand his disease or why he can not drink normally. Recently they asked him when he was going to start getting paid for speaking at AA meetings!!! I was brought up in a household full of love where yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc...was normal behavior-no wonder living with an active alcoholic did not seem strange to me! Our child knows more about alcoholism and addiction than he should in his young years and sadly my husbands ex-wife and daughters have also suffered greatly from this disease.
I have numerous friends, and family members, who are struggling with addiction and recovery. None of us are terminally unique. But the miracle of recovery from addiction and the road of recovery for the family is an incredible experience-and not easy.
Today Day 1 of our Blog, Day 82 of Sobriety
As I write this my husband is leaving to go an AA meeting. He is in his first 90 days of reovery (for the 7th time) BUT this time he really has a solid program and no desire to drink. As his head becomes clearer he remembers horrible things he did while active and is starting to process things... As his wife, I am the whipping post for his anxiety. My head swells with anxiety and "overload" many times as his behaviour reminds me of the drinking days. It is hard for me to "let go" of the horrible things he did while he was drinking, including robbing our house and taking family heirlooms and special posessions that can not not be replaced. I have a hard time letting go of my loss of a wonderful career that I had to give up in order to care for our child and create some kind of normalcy in his life. And now that I want to get back into the workforce I am frustrated at the lack of opportunites for me.
The good news is that we are learning new ways to communicate without screaming and yelling and the violence and abusethat was constant during the drinking days has disappeared. Our child is doing much better in school concentrating and learning, and I am finally able to enjoy making our surroundings beautiful painting, decorating, and organizing our home.
I am not going to use this blog to dwell on the horrible past we have had during the drinking years, the numerous times the police have been at our home, the loss of material possessions and professional opportunites, the involvement of domestic violence counsellors and children's protective agencies-I am going to use it to focus on the present and future: family life in recovery from addiction.
Trust and rebuilding trust is a really tough process. While I have to forgive and let go of the past, I must be guarded with my trust and I don't like this feeling. An addict's behaviour is so inconceviable. It troubles me to think about all the lies I accepted as truth and how much I allowed to be taken from me. As my husband truly works is AA program he is becoming rigorously honest, I do not trust his honesty as there is always a story as to why things don't work out as planned. When something happens that is upsetting, I fear he is going to go out and drink again. It is a fine line, like walking on eggshells and I realize that the first 90 days are critical. So I am waiting and biding my time and turn things over to God. I pray a lot that things will get better and I look for the small miracles. He will have 90 days a week from now. This is a scary process yet I see he is different now and focussed on taking care of his responsibilities and rebuilding his life.
I am grateful for the chance to rebuild our lives as a family and for the love we have for each other. In many respects living with an addict in recovery is like living with a new person, one that is actually quite likeable. It would be so much harder for us as a family if the path of addiction led us to divorce, as it does for so many families and almost did for us. Today I pray that he starts back on his career path and that I am ables to get back into the workplace in a meaningful capacity. I am frustrated that I gave up a very successful career to care for my family during the years of addiction and that I did not choose to go to school for an advanced degree. Although my years of experience and professionalism outweigh the degree, I have been out of the workplace for a few years and finging it hard to find meaningful work. BUT I no longer have to live crisis to crisis and with persistence and serenity I know all is possible.
One Day at a Time it is all getting better and I am practicing patience..It is not easy.
The biggest miracle is my husband's commitment not to drink. The knock on effect on our family is awesome. The biggest and most important knock on effect is that our child is doing better concentrating at school, happier, and is not subject to the abussive environment brought on by alcoholism and addiction. There is also strength and honesty here as we all know that reliving the past and accepting unacceptable behavior is never an option ever again. We are all learning how to set healthy boundaries and to communicate in a normal way.
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