Hello from Hunter-
I often wonder why I have chosen to stay in an alcoholic relationship and why I have put up with so many horrible things over the years. Love and the desire for companionship are the clear answers. Finding love is not easy and I am a firm believer that all the baggage one brings to a relationship will carry over to the next on unless one learns to deal with it within a relationship.
With all the hardship and other issues Mark and I have been through in this road through addiction and recovery I know inside that this journey of recovery is teaching us both new tools for communication and for building the foundation of a deep relationship that can be more loving and committed than anything either of us could ever imagine.
You see I have always been rigorously honest and trusting to the point of naivety....Mark, in his addiction has been the opposite. As Mark learns to practice rigorous honesty on a daily basis and control his anger and emotions I have learned and continue to learn, that naivety and trust is something that has to be earned and I am learning to practice this in all my affairs-as I believe it has hurt me in friendships and in business as well as in my relationships. I grew up wearing my heart on my sleeve, believed that yelling and screaming and anger was how people communicated-as this is what I saw in my home-and did not know how to set or observe boundaries. How much I have learned.
I don't want to be lonely and I married a person who is a good person...Unfortunately he suffers from a horrible disease which is more mental than anything else. Fortunately, his commitment to AA offers him the chance to get better and to actually be the wonderful person he is within.
We have both learned new tools for communication that are working. Often Mark comes to sit and talk with me. This is so foreign to me that I really don't know what to do. It is normal and wonderful...but I don't know from normal, peaceful and calm. I do know that I like it and look forward to developing new skills to enjoy these moments and experience more of them.
I am grateful that we have made it together and that we are committed to continue on this journey.....All the problems I have written about are still there but I do believe things will get better.
Enjoy the weekend-Hunter
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
living in the moment
Hi Mark alcoholic,
Been doing well sorry for not blogging I get a little pissed of when my wife uses the blog for complaining about financial stuff .She has every reason to be concerned and I understand but for those of you that don't know me I have been very successful in my life and lost a lot to my drinking ,I have a tremendous future in front of me and I know as long as I stay sober all will be OK in all areas of our life .
As an alcoholic I want it all now! and I know my wife does but it takes time she is a terrific person and I am blessed to have her in my life. We were just talking outside about our son's report ccard which is more or less the one from the period of my first 6 months and my wife pointed out that she saw a direct improvement linked to my recovery and I guess she is right .
I am responsible for my actions. I created this mess and I can fix it. I know I am going to have a good life and that I have a responsibility to take care of my family. I am looking forward to it. I have a number of opportunities now and it will be OK.
Trust is one of the big issues for us and I can only do what I say. It is a program of action not words. Alcoholics when active are full of s--t ! And that must change if you are to recover.
I have been to tons of meetings, lots of step meetings, and I must move on with the steps. It is key! My sponsor does not agree and I am thinking of getting a second sponsor just for the steps. I was just thinking I must keep my sobriety as a priority or I am done for ,this week alone I have seen 5 guys slip with serious sobriety over 10 years and believe me it was not funny .I have been on a twelve step call and seen denial all over, that was me .
Living in the moment. I was trying to explain to Hunter some of the pain that causes my anger. Her sponsor in AL anon a great person divorced her husband who is active and it is very different to live with a recovering alcoholic than dealing with an active one. I am not sure which is easier. We can be very difficult to deal with.
I have heard some great stuff this week at meetings such as: fear based anger,what have I got invested in my anger?,and what causes it ,shame guilt are huge problems that I have to come to terms with every day and I must stay close to AA this thing is saving my life, I really believe that !
I have a tough situation that I don't share much about. I have two beautiful daughters I have not seen for 2 plus years due to this dam disease and one has some serious depression issues. They are 21 and 20. This weekend they are going to stay with my parents for a week in Spain. My parents have lived there for 20 years and have a beautiful house. I hope all goes well...My mother is an alcoholic in total denial. She is a binge, black out type drinker and thinks she does not have a problem. My father, also a drinker who has had pancreatitis, tells me he does not have a problem!
He is the enabler with my mom and they have not ever had my girls stay with them. The girl's have never experienced my mom's drunken epsisodes, which can get quite ugly. So I am praying for a good trip. I have decided not to call too much as I really want them to get to know my parents better. I know my elder one wants to have contact with my side of the family and I am sure she thinks it may help with her depression. My father is a great guy and I am sure he will do a great job with her. The other daughter is just like me although she does not drink. However, she is the image of me - cheeky, fun, caring, dangerous, and of course very cute!
I cannot believe sometimes that I have two beautiful daughters. I must see them soon. My god this disease really has robbed me of so much. Thank God I caught it in time and can get it back! It is so scary to think that just one drink could put me back to square one and a living hell. I must not forget that ever !
I want a good future but I must remain focused, humble ,and continue to remember one day at a time. I must always stay very focused on the first three steps or I am done for. What a disease... a nice cold glass of white wine on a summers night sitting on the porch with my wife, would turn into a living hell within hours !..and as my wife says what's so nice about a glass of wine???!!!!! I must remind myself every moment I think like that where it will take me. I don't want to even imagine the train wreck .
Like my sponsor tells me don't quit before the miracle, don't drink, and go to meetings. I have not missed at least two meetings a day for 6 months. He gets worried about me working and my meeting schedule. There are plenty of meetings all over so I am not worried. I will never have an excuse to miss a meeting and I will not drink even if my ass is going to fall off! Why do I always choose these multi-millionaire sponsors who don't need to work and don't have a realistic perspective on money? Typical Mark !
OK I am done. I will blog more soon. Tomorrow is my Friday meeting and I am in charge of the topic! I will let you know how it goes. Time for a good night kiss from my wife and son and some good prayer. I never ask for anything in my prayers I just thank God of my understanding for keeping me sober today and for my family here and in Europe and for prayers for those sick and suffering from my disease and all the other people still suffering around the world .Rest well! .
Thanks Mark alcoholic .
Been doing well sorry for not blogging I get a little pissed of when my wife uses the blog for complaining about financial stuff .She has every reason to be concerned and I understand but for those of you that don't know me I have been very successful in my life and lost a lot to my drinking ,I have a tremendous future in front of me and I know as long as I stay sober all will be OK in all areas of our life .
As an alcoholic I want it all now! and I know my wife does but it takes time she is a terrific person and I am blessed to have her in my life. We were just talking outside about our son's report ccard which is more or less the one from the period of my first 6 months and my wife pointed out that she saw a direct improvement linked to my recovery and I guess she is right .
I am responsible for my actions. I created this mess and I can fix it. I know I am going to have a good life and that I have a responsibility to take care of my family. I am looking forward to it. I have a number of opportunities now and it will be OK.
Trust is one of the big issues for us and I can only do what I say. It is a program of action not words. Alcoholics when active are full of s--t ! And that must change if you are to recover.
I have been to tons of meetings, lots of step meetings, and I must move on with the steps. It is key! My sponsor does not agree and I am thinking of getting a second sponsor just for the steps. I was just thinking I must keep my sobriety as a priority or I am done for ,this week alone I have seen 5 guys slip with serious sobriety over 10 years and believe me it was not funny .I have been on a twelve step call and seen denial all over, that was me .
Living in the moment. I was trying to explain to Hunter some of the pain that causes my anger. Her sponsor in AL anon a great person divorced her husband who is active and it is very different to live with a recovering alcoholic than dealing with an active one. I am not sure which is easier. We can be very difficult to deal with.
I have heard some great stuff this week at meetings such as: fear based anger,what have I got invested in my anger?,and what causes it ,shame guilt are huge problems that I have to come to terms with every day and I must stay close to AA this thing is saving my life, I really believe that !
I have a tough situation that I don't share much about. I have two beautiful daughters I have not seen for 2 plus years due to this dam disease and one has some serious depression issues. They are 21 and 20. This weekend they are going to stay with my parents for a week in Spain. My parents have lived there for 20 years and have a beautiful house. I hope all goes well...My mother is an alcoholic in total denial. She is a binge, black out type drinker and thinks she does not have a problem. My father, also a drinker who has had pancreatitis, tells me he does not have a problem!
He is the enabler with my mom and they have not ever had my girls stay with them. The girl's have never experienced my mom's drunken epsisodes, which can get quite ugly. So I am praying for a good trip. I have decided not to call too much as I really want them to get to know my parents better. I know my elder one wants to have contact with my side of the family and I am sure she thinks it may help with her depression. My father is a great guy and I am sure he will do a great job with her. The other daughter is just like me although she does not drink. However, she is the image of me - cheeky, fun, caring, dangerous, and of course very cute!
I cannot believe sometimes that I have two beautiful daughters. I must see them soon. My god this disease really has robbed me of so much. Thank God I caught it in time and can get it back! It is so scary to think that just one drink could put me back to square one and a living hell. I must not forget that ever !
I want a good future but I must remain focused, humble ,and continue to remember one day at a time. I must always stay very focused on the first three steps or I am done for. What a disease... a nice cold glass of white wine on a summers night sitting on the porch with my wife, would turn into a living hell within hours !..and as my wife says what's so nice about a glass of wine???!!!!! I must remind myself every moment I think like that where it will take me. I don't want to even imagine the train wreck .
Like my sponsor tells me don't quit before the miracle, don't drink, and go to meetings. I have not missed at least two meetings a day for 6 months. He gets worried about me working and my meeting schedule. There are plenty of meetings all over so I am not worried. I will never have an excuse to miss a meeting and I will not drink even if my ass is going to fall off! Why do I always choose these multi-millionaire sponsors who don't need to work and don't have a realistic perspective on money? Typical Mark !
OK I am done. I will blog more soon. Tomorrow is my Friday meeting and I am in charge of the topic! I will let you know how it goes. Time for a good night kiss from my wife and son and some good prayer. I never ask for anything in my prayers I just thank God of my understanding for keeping me sober today and for my family here and in Europe and for prayers for those sick and suffering from my disease and all the other people still suffering around the world .Rest well! .
Thanks Mark alcoholic .
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
TIRED
I am tired. Actually exhausted is a better word. Not from good stuff but from the chaos of Mark's disease. He is doing better and I am grateful he is at an AA meeting now working on his sobriety. But for me it is truly exhausting.
He has an interview tomorrow and I wish him luck. I have two interviews this week. One at the place I currently am working part time to head up a new venture and another is a call back for a fantastic and lucrative position. After all I have been through, and am going through, it would be amazing to be in position to have two jobs to choose from...I really only need one, and if I get one I will be able to save my home and take care of paying bills and restoring my credit....If mark gets one too, that will be a miracle and then perhaps we can even put some money away in savings! Now that would be different.
As for my relationship with Mark, it is as good as can be expected under the circumstances. I don't believe Mark expresses himself as well as he needs to in order to be understood by me and those around him. This leads him to lie in some situations and in other situations it leads him to disappointment. He questions, as do I, the wisdom of his sponsor when it comes to getting work. Today Mark was excited about his job interview and his sponsor told him that if he is offered the job and it interferes with his meeting schedule he should not take it...He also said that if the job was for a lot of money he should also not take it as this will make him slip! I am not an alcoholic but I do know that Mark needs to work, not just for the money but for his head. At this point I believe he knows that he must continue to go to meetings and I believe he knows that he can always find a meeting to go to that coordinates with whatever work schedule he has. Mark is frustrated with his sponsor and he needs to clear the air. I think this is true also of our relationship...We dont' know how to talk to each other. Mark is angry, defensive, and sarcastic much of the time and I believe has no respect for me. I am quiet about most things and do not do a good job setting boundaries.
School ends this week. I pray that this is a good week on the job front and that things turn around for our family and that perhaps with a lot of luck we can save our home, get back on track, and maybe even be able take a much needed vacation for a few days.
THANK YOU ALL for keeping us in your prayers...Prayers are powerful and whatever you send out, always comes back to you in wonderful dividends. Along this trend of thought I thought I'd share today's Though for the Day from Hazelden.
"Today's thought from Hazelden is:It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.-- Chinese Proverb
With all the negativity that surrounds us, it is easy to become overwhelmed. It is also tempting to fight against the negative or to declare war on it. Yet a master teacher offered a better way: "Resist not evil, but overcome evil with good."Imagine you are in a dark room. Wanting the darkness to leave, you curse and fight against it. But no matter how much effort you make, the darkness remains. Turn on the light switch, however, and the night vanishes in an instant.In a similar manner, when the light of truth is shed on a situation, fear and disharmony dissolve. When you send out a positive thought to another person or take a constructive action, an enormous amount of good is accomplished. Each good act begets another until a network of love and light is created.The purpose of life is to reflect this light into places that are dark. Let your light shine and stay focused on the power of love. When enough of us have turned on our spiritual light switches, the earth will become as bright as a shining star. Where, then, could darkness dwell? "
Until tomorrow.
Hunter
P.S. Also with a bit of luck maybe Mark will blog..He is angry at me today as his DWI case has been postponed again in court and he still blames me for his DWI...Yes I did call the police when he sped away from a kids sporting event in a car intoxicated..But I was NOT the person driving drunk, or as Mark calls it "over the legal limit"...he still insists he was not drunk...DENIAL is a powerful thing...VERY VERY powerful.
He has an interview tomorrow and I wish him luck. I have two interviews this week. One at the place I currently am working part time to head up a new venture and another is a call back for a fantastic and lucrative position. After all I have been through, and am going through, it would be amazing to be in position to have two jobs to choose from...I really only need one, and if I get one I will be able to save my home and take care of paying bills and restoring my credit....If mark gets one too, that will be a miracle and then perhaps we can even put some money away in savings! Now that would be different.
As for my relationship with Mark, it is as good as can be expected under the circumstances. I don't believe Mark expresses himself as well as he needs to in order to be understood by me and those around him. This leads him to lie in some situations and in other situations it leads him to disappointment. He questions, as do I, the wisdom of his sponsor when it comes to getting work. Today Mark was excited about his job interview and his sponsor told him that if he is offered the job and it interferes with his meeting schedule he should not take it...He also said that if the job was for a lot of money he should also not take it as this will make him slip! I am not an alcoholic but I do know that Mark needs to work, not just for the money but for his head. At this point I believe he knows that he must continue to go to meetings and I believe he knows that he can always find a meeting to go to that coordinates with whatever work schedule he has. Mark is frustrated with his sponsor and he needs to clear the air. I think this is true also of our relationship...We dont' know how to talk to each other. Mark is angry, defensive, and sarcastic much of the time and I believe has no respect for me. I am quiet about most things and do not do a good job setting boundaries.
School ends this week. I pray that this is a good week on the job front and that things turn around for our family and that perhaps with a lot of luck we can save our home, get back on track, and maybe even be able take a much needed vacation for a few days.
THANK YOU ALL for keeping us in your prayers...Prayers are powerful and whatever you send out, always comes back to you in wonderful dividends. Along this trend of thought I thought I'd share today's Though for the Day from Hazelden.
"Today's thought from Hazelden is:It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.-- Chinese Proverb
With all the negativity that surrounds us, it is easy to become overwhelmed. It is also tempting to fight against the negative or to declare war on it. Yet a master teacher offered a better way: "Resist not evil, but overcome evil with good."Imagine you are in a dark room. Wanting the darkness to leave, you curse and fight against it. But no matter how much effort you make, the darkness remains. Turn on the light switch, however, and the night vanishes in an instant.In a similar manner, when the light of truth is shed on a situation, fear and disharmony dissolve. When you send out a positive thought to another person or take a constructive action, an enormous amount of good is accomplished. Each good act begets another until a network of love and light is created.The purpose of life is to reflect this light into places that are dark. Let your light shine and stay focused on the power of love. When enough of us have turned on our spiritual light switches, the earth will become as bright as a shining star. Where, then, could darkness dwell? "
Until tomorrow.
Hunter
P.S. Also with a bit of luck maybe Mark will blog..He is angry at me today as his DWI case has been postponed again in court and he still blames me for his DWI...Yes I did call the police when he sped away from a kids sporting event in a car intoxicated..But I was NOT the person driving drunk, or as Mark calls it "over the legal limit"...he still insists he was not drunk...DENIAL is a powerful thing...VERY VERY powerful.
Monday, June 18, 2007
DENIAL AND NEW BEGINNINGS
Hi from Hunter. Quick post for today. I am going to find a real estate broker and list the house this week. It is killing me. But truth is that I can not afford it and house is in foreclosure. Our programs of recovery teach us to act. So act I must do. I will not put up a for sale sign as I would pass out coming home to that each night and don't want do deal with neighbors gossip. Pray I must do as well. Perhaps I will get a new job and be able to keep the house. Perhaps a surprise windfall will come our way...Perhaps we will win the lottery, etc....But for today this house is a luxury I no longer can afford and I am the only one who is currently working.....I am sick to my stomach.
Mark has been active today in moving forward, he has gotten teh car out of our driveway to a garage for sale-car has been sitting there for a year and has bad memories. He borrowed a lawnmower and will mow the overgrown lawn today....
I guess to move on I have to get rid of..I am sick of getting rid of..I am sick of having to move and I am sick of losing everything all the time...I am sick of no stablity and I am sick of chaos.
Mark has also just threatened me that he will no longer blog if I talk about this stuff in the blog..So I am not responsible for what mark does or does not do..But I am responsible for blogging how I feel and my recovery.
Today I must act and not react and do the next right thing...TOday that is very hard.
Until later.
Hunter
Mark has been active today in moving forward, he has gotten teh car out of our driveway to a garage for sale-car has been sitting there for a year and has bad memories. He borrowed a lawnmower and will mow the overgrown lawn today....
I guess to move on I have to get rid of..I am sick of getting rid of..I am sick of having to move and I am sick of losing everything all the time...I am sick of no stablity and I am sick of chaos.
Mark has also just threatened me that he will no longer blog if I talk about this stuff in the blog..So I am not responsible for what mark does or does not do..But I am responsible for blogging how I feel and my recovery.
Today I must act and not react and do the next right thing...TOday that is very hard.
Until later.
Hunter
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
