POWERLESS AND POWERFULL

Hello from Hunter. Family doing well in recovery. I am learning everyday to not react to many of mark's "isms" and he is learning how to handle himself better..All in all a miracle.

Learning the difference between being powerless and powerful is a huge part of recovery. Letting others control our behavior is giving away our power. Believing what others say or think, especially when it is unkind or hurtful, is also giving away our power. An honest personal inventory of ourselves, including identifying strength is powerful and through this exercise, and trying on new behaviours as a result we can recognize our power and be powerful. We will still always be powerless over people, places, and things, BUT we will be able to recognize when we have the ability to change a situation.

For me I have had to learn to to not be angry but calm and to speak up for myself in a factual and respectful manner when things to do not go my way. Also it means looking at situations that do not go my way and asking myself if they were truly right for me.

This has happened a lot in my job search and this week took a lot out of me as I addressed a problem I had at work and stood up for myself. My supervisor wrongfully accused me of "wasting company time". I have so many accolades from clients and have done so much above and beyond my job description that I was furious. This also was an affront to my ethics and after all I have been through with addiction in my family I know better than to waste company time and never would. So I wrote up all my accomplishments and asked that they be added to my file and resolved the situation with the head of HR and company CFO. It hen addressed some other issues I was having problems with and all were resolved in a positive way. IT took so much out of me to stand up for myself in the right way...

Again I had to stand up for myself today...This time with Mark. He behaved and spoke to me in an unkind way this morning and I reacted badly and said a lot of things that upset him. He had a terrible day as a result. When he shared this with me I apologized to him for my unkind words and let him know I understand how he felt as many times over the years he has ruined my days, and I have been immobilized and left me in tears by unkind words and actions brought on by alcoholic behavior and even today he said things that were unkind. However, I am further along in my recovery and can usually tune the unkind words out...BUT today I have had enough. I will not tolerate the unkind words I want a better life and I want our marriage to work. He says things like "I don't give a shit if we stay married". He really does not mean this and it hurts. I surely don't want to put effort into a relationship where someone feels this way and I never want to hear it from someone who is in a committed relationship with me...It is abusive....So my new behavior makes me speak up and not tolerate this behavior. Unfortunately Mark yells and I sometimes react ( I used to react all the time) and unkind words get said in between.

Tonight I am angry because we still have no money, can't pay our bills, much less afford to go to the movies or out. There is a free concert tonight under the stars with a great dance band and I wanted us all to go. I am sick of doing things alone with our son and I need to have some fun with my husband to rebuild our relationship. I am sick an tired of working, cooking dinner, watching TV, staying in, and not having the things that I spent most of my life taking for granted (housekeeper, gardener, bills that were paid, manicure and pedicures, monthly massage or facial money in the bank, good job, vacations, new clothes and shoes, trips to toysrus for our son, movies, weekly dinners out,etc...I lived a somewhat privliledged life)...I have had to give all this up and now live at teh federal poverty level-applying for food stamps and aid! I need to have some fun.....And it sucks that he cannot do this for me......I know that meetings and recovery come first, but at some point I expect him to not be so selfish...and I am speaking up. I spoke up calmly before he left to go to his evening AA meeting and shared my feelings. I said he does not like to see me upset and offered to go to a concert with me on another night. It will not be tonight and I will be upset tonight...But I really like this band and I will go with our son...same as I did last year and the year before, and the year before....I am powerless over him and powerful over me..I will go and have fun and he will know how I feel. And maybe, just maybe, he will come back from his meeting in a good mood and agree to go for a while...That would be "music" to my ears and end a tough week for me in a good way.

So I am exhaused and sad and hope to go out with my son to enjoy the music at 9pm tonight..I hope I will be able to drag myself and not get mired in laziness and self pity as I really enjoy doing this...Right now I feel like I am going to die before I have a chance to enjoy life......I am sad and pray it all gets better very soon.

On a positoive note my new friend from the NACoA is coming to town on Sunday to work with me on plannning an event to benefit children who grow up in homes with addiction...I have set up some great meetings for us for next week and hopefully this will lift my spirits as it reminds me of what I can do-something I do not get to do at my menial job and something I can not seem to get someone to pay me for...

Signed Hunter-feeling gloomy