PUSH

Hello from Hunter. I did not blog for a few days so Mark could catch up. I think today's blog will focus on the phrase PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens).

Re: Me I am doing OK. Had a great job interview yesterday and have been invited back to meet more people next week. Also thinking about enrolling for a degree or certificate in Ecommerce-I qualified for a scholarship. I am exercising and watching my diet and actively practicing detachment. I must get the house in order so that it can be put on the market and will have to work on that this weekend. This makes me really sad but I have no choice, unless a miracle happens like getting this job, winning lotto, or some other windfall. I also stood up for myself and made a career choice for myself that took me out of desperation mode. I had interviewed for an open position at the place I work part time..The salary was less than I made 25 years ago in salary and even though I have been working at the company part time for past 6 months I was told I would not be eligible for benefits for another 3 months. I also realized that I would be incredibly micro-managed and chose to withdraw my candidacy. It is not the right opportunity for me, I would be miserable, and the money was not good at all-even after commissions. I am proud of myself for making the right choice for me.

As for my relationship with Mark it is not good today. I love Mark so very much and am so grateful for his sobriety. He has six months today and I am so proud of him. I am proud of how he is working his recovery and I recognize the progress he is making. However, it is really tough for me to deal with his anger and the "ism's" that still exist.

Mark is currently suffering from a severe case of stinkin thinkin!

He tends to run from everyone and everything and verbalizes his lack of commitment to this marriage and how much he hates living here, and how he wants to leave and be on his own etc...After what me and this family has been through during the active drinking days this kind of talk really hurts. He continues to lie about small and big things and I am not sure that he believes that lying is wrong.

One minute he is angry with his sponsor and then the next minute his sponsor is the greatest....No one wants to hire him, and any job offers he does have always seem to fall through the cracks....He has dipped into my bank account, which I have deliberatly kept separate, and overdrawn it so that there is no money, after paychecks are deposited, until the next pay cycle. He even cashed a check for $250 that was sent to our son as a gift....This too he tried to rationalize by saying he did it to take care of his family...NO WAY..Lying is wrong and I am concerned that he does not think it is.

I wrestle with boundaries and what to do...I love this man so very much and I know he is really working his recovery and trying so hard. I know he is dealing with things rather than drinking and I know he is getting better. I want to be compassionate and loving..BUT he uses me as his whipping post. He yells at me and blames me for his problems and he lies to me-even though he is now sober.

I do not want to let go of our relationship, I want to rebuild it and I know that I must be patient while he confronts the demons of his past...But Mark has to want this as well and commit to rigorous honesty. I can not do this on my own. It pains me to see how angry and frustrated he is and I pray that he is learning a new way of living and dealing with life....

In meantime I must focus on not falling apart myself, taking care of our son, holding together whatever I can, and praying for guidance and patience....I have an abundance of patience and forgiveness and a lot of love to offer Mark...as does our son..But I can not tolerate any more lying or rationalizing...Mark's disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I believe it is testing him to push the limits and perhaps he will not recover as long as I stay with him. Again, I must pray as we are kindred spirits in so very many ways and we truly belong together.

Mark is a sweet soul and a very special person....So I will pray for him, pray for our marriage, and for our family. I so very much want to be a family in recovery together and know how good it can be.

Hunter