EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

Short blog from Hunter
My head is racing with so very many thoughts. Mostly I am enjoying the calmness in my home environment. A year ago life was chaos. Mark and I were separated and I was all over the place with out of control emotion-fear, sadness, worry, loneliness, anger, uncertainty, instability, insecurity, financial distress, and so very much more...my son was the only joy in my life and I had to function as mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and world to him...a tall order for someone in so much distress.

I had no support, except for my alanon sponsor and the many Alanon meetings I went to. I don't have family that is or was there for me in the way I needed them and my mom has later stages of Alzheimer's and could not be there for me as she always has been all of my life-this loss on top of everything else was too much for me...How I ever made it through this period without a nervous breakdown is a miracle and upon reflection makes me understand how strong a character I am. I could never have made it through everyday without my sponsor...Anyway the chaos of those years is gone. I am able to live in a normal environment without the chaos caused by an active addict.

It feels so surreal in so many ways but so very wonderful. I don't go to Alanon meetings lately...probably because I do have constant contact with my sponsor and I am enjoying being home for the first time ever.

I am frustrated as I can't get a job and keep looking and getting rejected. I know nothing is wrong with me so I keep plugging along but it is not easy..However today I just roll with the punches and don't wallow in self pity. I am starting to lose my "baby weight"...I never lost weight after our child was born 8 years ago and through all the turmoil of addiction I never really looked at myself and what I did to myself. I have to lose 50 pounds and I finally see this-I never did before...I can't believe I have done this to myself. But now that things are calmer I can focus on this and will. For me food is a bit of an addiction and now that I don't have other crisis' to deal with I can manage it...

Mark got this 90 day coin today and is very excited. He needs me to share this excitement with him and I do. This is just the first milestone on the road to recovery, what comes next is true recovery and clear thinking. It will be interesting to see how things unfold. I also think that I will start my own 90 day count today and share this with him. Mine will be a 90 day count down to healthier diet and eating.

I guess all of the above explains why I am "all over the place" emotionally. BUT I am "all over the place" in a much different way than a year ago. I am calm, dealing with things rationally rather than emotionally and I don't feel so alone as the man I love is in recovery and we are growing together...this is a dream I always had and it is becoming a reality...

We are actually communicating with each other and building a deep relationship. There are so many things for us to tackle as a couple and we are still separate...we are learning to be interdependent and he still is in early recovery from a dreadful disease and I have to adjust my expectations accordingly.

Our 9 year wedding anniversary is in 4 days. The past few years have been complete nightmares....I pray this is a good one and the start of something beautiful and new.

SO as I said this blog is short, and a bit all over the place...It reflects the roller coaster I feel I am on and the journey of self discovery I am now beginning, along with the beginnings of a marriage I always dreamed about.

Until Later,

Hunter