THE FAMILY PERSPECTIVE: STAYING TOGETHER IN RECOVERY TAKES PATIENCE

I recently watched the story about Bob Woodruff's recovery from an insurgent bomb attack in Iraq that tore off part of his skull. He was in a coma for 36 days and when he woke up he could not remember any of the 50 states or the existence of this 6 year old twin daughters. He had trouble with his speech and finding the right words for things. Now, a little over a year later he is back reporting, not in the same capacity as before, but he is a survivor and a miracle.

While what happened to Mr. Woodruff was an accident, I reminded of the patience it takes to recover from any serious illness or accident.

I have so much anger and resentment about Mark's disease of alcoholism, the horrible things alcoholics do to their families, and the many losses we have had as a result. I struggle a lot with letting go of this and trying to understand how difficult recovery is for Mark, or any alcoholic. I struggle with compassion and kindness and feel badly that I do not give enough of this to Mark.

Recovery from alcoholism is not so terribly different from Mr. Woodruff's experience. I doubt an alcoholic would choose their disease if they knew the devastation, loss, pain, and possible death it
would cause them... and of course, once they take their first drink they are off to the races.

Unlike Mr. Woodruff, my husband has been in a coma for close to 10,950 days (30 years), not 36 days. When my husband awoke from his coma, he too could not find the right words to express things as he was afraid of the truth (addiction turns most pure and wonderful souls into chronic liars). During his first 90 days of sobriety I have watched him slowly recover and begin to learn new behaviors and ways of coping one day at a time. Like Mr. Woodruff, tremendous courage, faith, dedication, and hard work will help him recover and have an even more amazing life, learning from his experience and sharing his strength and hope with others suffering from similar problems.

When I look at my husband's recovery from this perspective, and really listen and observe him struggle with his recovery I become a better person. Someone full of compassion and understanding able to show him the love he so desperately needs. I am also able to find the words to say what I mean and mean what I say without being mean....words which help establish healthy boundaries and resolve relationship issues such as trust and honesty that have been buried by active alcoholism. This actually happened today with respect to our finances.

Mr. Woodruff's recovery is a miracle and so is my husband's recovery. I pray that G-d helps me to continue to find compassion and understanding for Mark, who is really working hard on his recovery. I pray I remember that recovery takes time and practice and that things do not happen overnight. I also pray that G-d gives me the strength and courage to find the right words to express my feelings, establish boundaries, not accept unacceptable behavior, and work toward a truthful and honest relationship with a wonderful man, who I fell in love with several years ago, had a child with, an hope to have a wonderful sober life with.

Before I close I thought I would share Today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org
"Change of scene has no effect upon unconscious conflicts.--Edmund Bergler, M.D.There's no running away from the internal strife. Whatever haunts us must finally be confronted and resolved if we're ever to grow and thus contribute to our world its due. When we keep secrets locked away, the secrets begin to keep us locked away as well.It is folly, and yet entirely human, to think a new location, a new job, a new lover will cure whatever troubles us. The truth is, however, that whatever trips us up is at the same time trying to edge us forward to new awareness, and thus the next level of growth. Our troubles are tools for a strengthened foundation. Without them, we'd soon crumble.When we consider the conflicts we encounter as opportunities for further development, they excite us rather than provoke anxiety. Changing our perspective can make the same scene appear quite new. "

Until Tomorrow,

Hunter


P.S. Disclaimer: I hope that this comparison has not upset anyone. It is merely my opinion, reflections, and thoughts. Some might find this an unrealistic comparison and I sorry if they feel this way. For me it is a powerful comparison and one that helped me find the compassion I need to be kind and loving.