Communication and THINK-Strategies for Dealing with Toxic People

I receive a monthly email newsletter from Dr. Dale Atkins called Sanity Savers. This month's topic spoke directly to an issue I am wrestling with "words and the thoughts behind those words".

In the newsletter Dr. Atkins states " We all respond differently to what is acceptable and unacceptable, offensive and stupid. But what would happen if we just thought more before we spoke? If we really considered the effects of our words on others, as well as how those words reflect on us, we might think differently about what we say. Much of what we say is mindless. Much of what we say is critical or negative. Try to stop talking and listen to your thoughts. You can discover clarity in silence. Creating and Fostering a Healthy Socio-Emotional Environment encourages you to pay close attention to what you say and develop a sense of competency in your social relationships." Dr. Atkins also defines the phrase " Social competency" as recognizing someone else's need as well as asserting your own need and accepting that when you are engaged with another person you accept responsibility for your actions. " According to Dr. Atkins people who are socially competent have a healthy sense of self and choose appropriate social, communication and problem solving skills, and avoid making another person feel diminished in any way. "

WELL I believe anyone who has lived through addiction and working a program of recovery wrestles with this topic.

I know in my recovery that I have had to look long and hard at my "social competency". While I lived in the illusion that I was outgoing and likeable and a good communicator I came to realize in my recovery that I was noto a good communicater and not really likeable in the state I was in as I lived in chaos and had no healthy sense of myself. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where there was a lot of yelling and sreaming and name calling-many of those family members are still like this...I was the youngest by many years and as I think through my past it is now very clear to me that I was a human doing andnot a human being..I had no sense of myslef....I was a baby in every sense of the word and I expected others around me to rescue me and take care of me...The concept of thinking about how my actions might affect others was anathema to me. I never intentionally hurt others but I just didn't think. I did not attract the best around me and now in my recovery know that I am capable of so very much more. I regret all the years I feel I wasted but theya are in the past and I have a lot to look forward to in the present.

I think about how I handle things today and realize the wisdom that I learned in the Alanon blue book is incredible. IN that book there are several readings that relate to this issue...If you can get hold of or have the Alanon Blue book (not the AA book) you can read the slogans and the chapter on communication. ALl of this is clearly laid out there.

I am one day at at time becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin and with listening to my inner voice..As a result my social competency is vastly improving....as is my husband's.
My alanon recovery has taught me to not react to people sometimes - especially if they say stupid things that are hurtful or that I don't agree with...I have learned to ask myself first How important is it and if it really is not that important I have learned to let it go....Question about this is "In practicing this new behavior of not reacting to everything, at what point does one become a 'doormat'." For me I think this answer will become clearer as I become more and more self reliant and self confident everyday

Here are some examples: I work part time with someone who I find very judgemental. She tends to put me down all the time. The other day she asked me if I noticed that a new cleaning person started in the office who rearranges peoples desks and empties coffee cups. I responded by saying I did not notice, but how wonderful it is that the new person takes pride in their job. SHe got really snappy when I said this as she understood me to be saying that "those people" don't take pride in their jobs and said that I come up with bizarre statements.....I was really hurt by her response, and frankly a bit angry....However, instead of expressing how I felt (which would probably be confrontational), I cowered and said, I am sorry what I said offfended you. Another situation happened recently at an alanon meeting when it was time to vote for new program chairs. I am unable to commit to chairing a meeting a this time but told one of the people who was reluctantly offering service that if she won and needed a subsititute I would be happy to fill in. Her reponse was "there are no winners". It was a very harsh response and hurtful..In both of these situations I realized that it really did not matter ("How important is it") so why bother engaging. But I wonder if I could have been a bit stronger in my response. This is me chartering new waters with new behaviors I have learned over the past year-practicing the 12 step principles in all my affairs. As I become more comfortable and more confident, perhaps I will find better responses.

THINK before you speak THINK stands for is it THOUGHTFUL, is it HONEST, is it INTELLIGENT, is it NECESSARY, is it KIND. If it is not, it is best left unsaid....I try to apply this to what I say and to others to those who say things that hurt me. I am learning to ignore what they say if it is not based on the think principle. AND today I taught this principle to our 8 year old son who has been talking back to me lately...I sat him down and shared the THINK concept with him..It was like a lightbulb going off....I wish it did not take 40 years for me to learn this. A lot of pain could have been avoided.



Person at work-to react or not to react
my sister-therapy, meeeings, just because she needs it does not mean I do...listen to my inner voice
my husband when he rages-deal with it.