living in the moment

Hi Mark alcoholic,

Been doing well sorry for not blogging I get a little pissed of when my wife uses the blog for complaining about financial stuff .She has every reason to be concerned and I understand but for those of you that don't know me I have been very successful in my life and lost a lot to my drinking ,I have a tremendous future in front of me and I know as long as I stay sober all will be OK in all areas of our life .

As an alcoholic I want it all now! and I know my wife does but it takes time she is a terrific person and I am blessed to have her in my life. We were just talking outside about our son's report ccard which is more or less the one from the period of my first 6 months and my wife pointed out that she saw a direct improvement linked to my recovery and I guess she is right .

I am responsible for my actions. I created this mess and I can fix it. I know I am going to have a good life and that I have a responsibility to take care of my family. I am looking forward to it. I have a number of opportunities now and it will be OK.

Trust is one of the big issues for us and I can only do what I say. It is a program of action not words. Alcoholics when active are full of s--t ! And that must change if you are to recover.

I have been to tons of meetings, lots of step meetings, and I must move on with the steps. It is key! My sponsor does not agree and I am thinking of getting a second sponsor just for the steps. I was just thinking I must keep my sobriety as a priority or I am done for ,this week alone I have seen 5 guys slip with serious sobriety over 10 years and believe me it was not funny .I have been on a twelve step call and seen denial all over, that was me .

Living in the moment. I was trying to explain to Hunter some of the pain that causes my anger. Her sponsor in AL anon a great person divorced her husband who is active and it is very different to live with a recovering alcoholic than dealing with an active one. I am not sure which is easier. We can be very difficult to deal with.

I have heard some great stuff this week at meetings such as: fear based anger,what have I got invested in my anger?,and what causes it ,shame guilt are huge problems that I have to come to terms with every day and I must stay close to AA this thing is saving my life, I really believe that !

I have a tough situation that I don't share much about. I have two beautiful daughters I have not seen for 2 plus years due to this dam disease and one has some serious depression issues. They are 21 and 20. This weekend they are going to stay with my parents for a week in Spain. My parents have lived there for 20 years and have a beautiful house. I hope all goes well...My mother is an alcoholic in total denial. She is a binge, black out type drinker and thinks she does not have a problem. My father, also a drinker who has had pancreatitis, tells me he does not have a problem!

He is the enabler with my mom and they have not ever had my girls stay with them. The girl's have never experienced my mom's drunken epsisodes, which can get quite ugly. So I am praying for a good trip. I have decided not to call too much as I really want them to get to know my parents better. I know my elder one wants to have contact with my side of the family and I am sure she thinks it may help with her depression. My father is a great guy and I am sure he will do a great job with her. The other daughter is just like me although she does not drink. However, she is the image of me - cheeky, fun, caring, dangerous, and of course very cute!

I cannot believe sometimes that I have two beautiful daughters. I must see them soon. My god this disease really has robbed me of so much. Thank God I caught it in time and can get it back! It is so scary to think that just one drink could put me back to square one and a living hell. I must not forget that ever !

I want a good future but I must remain focused, humble ,and continue to remember one day at a time. I must always stay very focused on the first three steps or I am done for. What a disease... a nice cold glass of white wine on a summers night sitting on the porch with my wife, would turn into a living hell within hours !..and as my wife says what's so nice about a glass of wine???!!!!! I must remind myself every moment I think like that where it will take me. I don't want to even imagine the train wreck .

Like my sponsor tells me don't quit before the miracle, don't drink, and go to meetings. I have not missed at least two meetings a day for 6 months. He gets worried about me working and my meeting schedule. There are plenty of meetings all over so I am not worried. I will never have an excuse to miss a meeting and I will not drink even if my ass is going to fall off! Why do I always choose these multi-millionaire sponsors who don't need to work and don't have a realistic perspective on money? Typical Mark !

OK I am done. I will blog more soon. Tomorrow is my Friday meeting and I am in charge of the topic! I will let you know how it goes. Time for a good night kiss from my wife and son and some good prayer. I never ask for anything in my prayers I just thank God of my understanding for keeping me sober today and for my family here and in Europe and for prayers for those sick and suffering from my disease and all the other people still suffering around the world .Rest well! .

Thanks Mark alcoholic .