Been a While....Still Recovering One Day at a Time...Still Together

Hi From Hunter,

I will say that I am sad that Mark has not kept up with this blog. However, he is still sober and deeply comitted to his recovery. Mark is doing great fighing this disease and as of today he thanks God everyday for the AA program. He has been in Europe visiting his daughters and feeling lonely....He is never alone as he has the rooms of AA and people who give him love and respect in those rooms. He had a very upsetting experience yesterday-he went out to eat and ordered a ginger ale and the waiter brought him a vodka and ginger ale. He felt sick , even though he spit it right out. For him it brought up all the memories of the shakes, withdrawal, police, and destruction that alcohol brought to his life...His sponsor helped him through this by discussing his intentions with him. Mark did not intend to drink. Mark did not slip. Mark did the right thing and thank God he is still sober and not off on a bender to ruin his and our lives.

I am disappointed in myself as I am co-dependent. I would be devastated if Mark started drinking again. He and our son are my life and I really like it that way...

Our son is doing great. He continues to improve in school and he continues ot build a loving wonderful relationship with Mark. It is beautiful to see.. Of course I get the blame from our son when things go wrong and I am not as good as or as cool as dad...But frankly that is fine with me. I love that he and his dad have a good relationship today...there is much lost time there...a nd I know that I am a good mom and that our son would not be the boy he is today if I did not do a lot of hard work and seek support during the drinking years.

Mark is still very angry and it is very hard to live with this. It is also hard to deal with the fact that we have not had sex in close to a year! It hurts me terribly. I am overweight...but not for long. I have joined weight watchers and have lost 10 pounds....I have 50 more to go and then look out...If I have to wait to lose 50 pounds before he has sex with me I will be furious.....I don't think I will. I believe lack of sex drive has a lot to do with his recovery and we have discussed the issue and are working toward a solution.

Mark started therapy recently. It is the first time he has done this on his own. I am so happy he is doing this...It is good for him and good for our family. And it is great that he has done it with the guidance of his sponsor and not because of me. I pray this helps him with his anger and his issues...I really love himso much and don't want to lose him....

I am feeling very lonely in our town. Because of the disease we still do not have friends as a couple and a normal social life...I am very happy in our family life but I remain sad when I can't get playdates for our son and he feels bad and I am sad when certain friends who were there for me during the years Mark was drinking are no longer there for me or give me the cold shoulder.
I get even more furious when people don't return phone calls when I call for playdates. They figure by not calling back I will get the hint that their kid does not want to play with mine...But I don't get the hint...especially if the kids have not had a fight and have always gotten along well. Instead I htrink it is because the parents don't like me...I hate when people avoid me or my family. It is terrible communication and while they might think it is polite it is downright rude...when my son has an issue I tell people...I wish people would do the same....Even if the just called back and said """"XXX is going through a phase and for now he does not want to hav a playdate, please don'ttake it personally" OR " XXX is upset with your son because....." at least then I know what is going on....I really wish they would say that because by avoiding us my child gets upset and hurt....and I do not have the knowledgeto help him to ...Why don;t people khow how ot communicate...I had this discussion with awoman recently whose son was one of our sone's good friends. She did not return my phone call for 4 months to set up a playdate and now her kid can'tgef enough of mine.....WHen I asked her whta happened she told me that her son thought my son used too much bad language and it made him uncomfortable..Now I ask you...why didn't she tell me this so I could help my child and avoid the hurt of losing a friend/???? Things don't go away by ignoring them and no on gains by silence...UGHHHHHHHH people are so stupid sometimes....

So what did I learn from this/???THE 3 call rule. I call 3 times and if there is no return call I give up..And sadly when I give up the relationshiop ends...It kills me because our child is kind, sensistive, loving and would never harm anyone...He has such wonderful values....andthis rejectionis awful...>We used to have friends with kids his age and we used to hang out with them. Those friends moved away for careers..We stagnated,alcoholism took over our lives and we did not make new friends.....That is where we are today and now so many people have established friends it is hard to break in....so many people drink normally...and frankly mark is not ready to be social....I tell our son to hang tight and to stay busy with activities and not worry about not having play dates..I tell him to get his interaction in school and activities....and like so many things I pray that we soon develop friends with kids his age and that this all changes..and when it does they will be the right friends who will call back and who will be honest.

Today it was so hurtful for me to be near someone who went through the worst of Mark's addiction with me..Her husband is also a recovering addict....She completely snubs me and is cold when I see her....Part of this is her, but another part of it really hurts....I take these things personally.......She also did not have decency to acknowledge my mom's death....Even when I said "my mom just died" She could not say "I am sorry for your loss"....I know sometimes people don't know what to say..but I am sorry is not too difficult..Where are people's manners/??And usually these are the people who "live in glass houses".

I wish I had another child as I would love to have a big family for our son and me...But that is not the cards I was dealt in life..I was given by God a beautiful child and a chance at a beautiful family life...I am blessed for this and look forward to our life in sobriety.


What about our financial house?????Well that is not so good and I wonder if I am nuts for not having a nervous breakdown. We have tax problems and no income BUT we have started a business...actually mark has and I have decided to be part of it because it is more rewarding than working for someone else...Never the less today is a very scary time. I believe we will do well but today we are still in a difficult place. I am also starting school in January for nutrition counselling....I really believe all will be OK...and I have to keep believing this.

I am exercising again and proud of this..I have to keep it up as I love doing it, stopped for too long a time, and I did not get a good bill of health recently...Mark did! For someone who was borderline cirrhosis it is amazing that his liver is ALL CLEAN! and his cholesterol is NORMAL! WOW! Sobriety really does do wonders.

Next week is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her terribly and so does our son. She was an amazing lady. I am blessed to have had a mom that I loved who loved me so much. And I am blessed that I got so many gifts,in terms of live lessons and love, from her. I am so happy my mom knew mark and had such a loving relationship with our son. She lives with us forever!!!!!!!

We really are becoming a family more and more and more and more. I am so happy we have remained together and I pray we have a beautiful wonderful future together.

Mark has three people he sponsors and it is amazing to see how his sponsees respect him.. They would never believe he was a stumbling idiotic drunk who was abusive and horrible and destroyed so much...And frankly to see him today I am so grateful he has found recovery..He is a beautiful man and I love him so and I am so grateful that we did not have to lose our marriage and family life.

I have had a few alanon sponsees.....I find they do not stay as long as the AA sponsees to as so many of us in alanon are co-dependent and when things go well we abandon our sponsors...Never the less I reach out when I can and do what I can...and will continue to do so.

As for my sadness and disappointment with lack of friends and people in this town..,..I am happy with me and my son and my husband....I am happy with the work I do to reach out to others and I am happy keeping myself busy.......Friends will come, if they are meant to......It is in God's hands.

Regarding communication. I live with an angry man....Different from his drinking days these days he knows when his anger turns him into a jerk and he knows to back off and admit when he is wrong......It does not make it always easy but much better than during the drinking days and his awareness paves the path for us to really fall in love, the right way....Tonight he is in Europe and missing us terribly..He can't wait to come home...It is the first time in 10 years that he really knows that this is his home and that there is love and warmth waiting here for him.....Real love, which he does not really know, and trust, and a really happy and normal life...all he is finally learning about.

I pray God gives us many good years together. Our life is beginning in so many ways and while we are not yet rich financially we are rich in so many ways...Rich in a way we have not been in so very long and richer than so very many....

I am finally rediscovering much of my extended family who I have been estranged from during this 10 year nightmare...it is time to rebuild and one day at a time this is happening.

We have a difficult few months ahead financially and emotionally. Please all who read this send prayers, and healing good energy our way. I promise you that the universe will return it to you from us ten-fold and more...thank you thank you thank you....

Thanks for letting me babble...I am sorry it has been so long since I have written...There is so much more to say but this is it for now. I hope that this has given hope and healing to all of you..

Warm Regards to all.....

Hunter

February 2008.....The terrible 2's...staying together is hard work

Hello friends,

Addiction is a fatal disease and this past week we lost a friend, Ian R., who seemingly had it all, to it. It is not just about staying clean and sober it is about living responsibly and honestly in the real world. For those of us who do not have this disease living responsibly and honestly in the real world is not always easy...for those who are afflicted with the disease of addiction it is that much more difficlut to learn how to live in reality and not run away.

There are tons of emotions that surface as the addict becomes sober, hence the program slogan "feelings are not facts". Confronting one's past honestly and discovering all the things one lost because of addiction can make someone very angry...Learning to manage this anger and communicate is not easy.

A marriage that has survived chronic addiction is very fragile. Starting a clean slate with trust is not easy. So many things bring up memories of the past----the lying, the stealing, the manipulation, the pain, the anger, the destruction, etc.....And the alcoholic (or addict) does not want to be reminded of these things....and in truth neither do we...Yet if a marriage is to survive in recovery from this awful disease a safe place to discuss our feelings and set boundaries is important.

What is natural for most people in this situation is to run away/leave, or shut down. Mark and I have been struggling with this over the past several months. We don't really talk about things very much and don't really see each other that much. And when there are important issues to deal with he gets very angry (similar behavior to when he was active). It is a very difficult enviroment to live in and in the past I would have gotten on my pity pot and behaved like "poor me". I know realize that I do have choices and I do have control over how I behave....It takes a tremendous amount of patience to act with understanding and compassion and walk away from behavior that is abusive....however this new behavior is leading us to a place of deeper understanding, love, and compassion for each other.


I have been searching the internet and other places for information on anger in the second year of sobriety..Have found nothing. So I thought I would write my experiences, share them, and maybe get some feedback from others. Mark has rageaholic tendencies...Fortunatly he is working his program or recovery, aware of this behavior, and working on getting better at it. I personally detest this behavior...my dad, and mom to a lesser extent, were both rageaholics....I cannot stand arguing over nothing importatn, analyzing feelings and behaviors to death, screaming and overreacting. Learning to talk to one another and reason things out is much more productive an dmuch less stressful...OK once again eliciting this kind of behavior has to come from me...SO how do I handle it? I use the tools of hte program finally...I ignore rageaholic words and behavior, I walk away or busy myself with something else, I let the situtaioncalm down, and then ask "what is really going on?" Usually it leads back to the same thing-Markisangry with himself and is learning to live life on life's terms...it is easy to blame me for whatever is wrong, as that is what he did for so many years when he was drinking...and before me it was his ex wife and his family...etc.....

HOw am I handling situation differently? Here is a good example. Recently I thought Mark was lying to me about something important...I got very angry and thought through how I would tell him this. I could accuse him, I could ask him for proof he was not lying..all of this would just make him more angry and feel cornered and would not achieve my desired result..I could accept that he may be telling the truth or he may be lying and recognizethat I am powerless over this situation. I am not powerless over my behavior and I could adjust my behavior. So I prayed for guidance and the wisdom that came to me was just as I need safe place to express my feelings to Mark, he too needs a safe place to express his and recover. So I found the words to tell him that the situation that occurred brought up for me bad memories of the drinking days and htat just as he does not want to be reminded of the past, neither do I and I explained that he needs to be a better communicator about things. He too found the words to explain to me how his past keeps coming up and the pain of what he lost... He still is very vague about his feelings and thoughts and shares a lot with his sponsor...But in a marriage we need to be able to talk about things and address them openly and honestly.

It is very hard for me to have blind trust in Mark given the history, but I am moving through this and turning it over to my higher power. It is scary....but it has always worked. And there are rewards to this behavior...Yesterday Mark called me and expressed his gratitude to me in a way I never heard before and acknowledged that it must be difficult to be married to someone like him...His humility opened a door for me to say yes it is hard but I love the man I married and I am gratful that he is finding his true self one day at a time hte more and more sobriety he has, and taht I appreciate his acknoledgemnt of me.

I keep telling Mark I am his friend and not his enemy and when we feel like giving up onour marriage I reason it out with him-this is not always easy as his anger gets in the way but once we get past that (often after several very patient attempts and many deep breaths to keep me from exploding in anger) we discover that we would bring our baggage to the next relationship and until we take responsiblity for our baggage we will not get better, and as two partners with a history together who love one another helping and loving each other enough to heal and grow together rather than apart can be a wonderful experience...Hard work but wonderful, and hard work that really cannot yet be addressed fully as recovery is still too new..

So this is a tall order for someone like me who is not an addict. Why do I have to put up with this. Don't I deserve better? I have choices and I like my choice. I love my alcoholic and I am grateful everyday for his sobriety. I am happy to support his commitment to AA and recovery, even though this means that nothing comes before his sobriety.

So, what about me? I do not go to many Alanon meetings anymore. When I do I share from a new perspective. The wisdom of 12 step programs extends to all areas of our lives. What does a family in recovery in year 2 of sobriety mean to and for me? It means that I no longer live crisis to crisis and no longer spend my life managing crisies. It measns that I am free to focus on me. I did not think that I would do this without my mom in my life. But it also means that I am freer to grieve her loss and learn to make her memory a blessing and a big part of my life. I have been in dead end jobs over the past few years as I too was a victim of this horrible family disease. As I am closer to 50 than 40 and have had more than a five year gap in my field and no graduate school degree, finding a job that pays good money is tough. Mark has started a new business and my dream has always been to be in business with my husband..I got stuck in this thought and desire for a while until I realized that he is too volatile and controlling for me to work with and htat I will be involved in his business anyway. More importanty I realized that this was not the right choice for me as I need to be independent and not dependent. I need to earn enought money to be self sufficient yet have time to be a good mother and inspiration to my son, and have enought time to go the gym and take care of me...a hybrid between suburbanhousewife and professional....I truly can have it all if I make hte right choices. And Mark can help support our family and work and enjoy his work. We can truly be separate and whole and in a healthy relationshiop.

So my big news: I am enrolling in a one year program to become a certified holistic practitioner and nutritionist. I will have the tools to build my own business..and I will be able make more money day 1 than I do now working part time for someone else....

I have osteoarthritis in my knee and have been forced to start an aggressive exercise program as not to be in chronic pain....alongside of this I am becoming a good cook and were are primarily vegetarian. I have not mastered the art of losing weight and staying disciplined yet but I do see small minor changes.

And what about our son? He is struggling in school academically and socially. He has huge anger issues we are dealing with. He too is in recovery and fortunatley has wonderful support at school and a dad who one day at a time is becoming a better father. His report card was not great all average grades (most kids are above average in his school) but it was the best for him.He was disappointed yet he is lucky to have a mom and dad like us. I looked at his report card and gave him a huge hug and told him I was very proud of him as his report card reflected a lot of hard work and a lot of improvement and progress. I told him that it is good not to get all outstandings the first half of the year as it gives him something to work toward. I am close to his teacher and we work together. AND finally I have a supportive and calm home environment and a husband who is my partner in parenting.

So-I do not write as frequently as in the past but will continue to update periodically and hopefuly Mark will too. Mark has not disappeared he has just chosen not to blog, or been too busy, working other tools of recovery, or tired He is still in recovery and working all the tools of his AA program. This means as many meetings as he feels he needs to stay sober (at least one a day and lately several more), staying very close to his sponsor, reading and praying, and calling and supporting others in recovery. Would love ot hear from our friends who read our blog.

Hunter