UNSOLICITED ADVICE IS CRITICISM

Happy Sunday from Hunter-

This is a quick but important post for me. Recently my eldest sister, who is not really close to me and not a part of my day to day life, has communicated with me on an a fairly frequent basis. She is a therapist and in 12 step recovery for close to 20 years. She has never worked the steps of the recovery program and is very headstrong. She recently had a severe breakdown and tends to fall apart if things don't go her way. In her recent calls she proceeded to take my inventory by asking me if I was still going to Alanon meetings and I responded that I still go but not that frequently...That ended up in a long lecture from her about how I need to go to meetings...The next time we spoke she asked me if I was still in therapy...I have spent a lot of years in and out of therapy and believe that I have gotten what I need from my therapy and at this point, today, it is not a good use of my time...This is me listening to my inner voice.. Again she lectured me about my need for therapy stating that I have so much on my plate that there is no way i could handle this without therapy.....I resented her taking my inventory. I started to explain to her that today I do not feel I need therapy and that I truly believe that at some point we have to cut the umbilical chord from therapists and learn to stand our our own two feet and that today I am comfortable enough in my own skin to handle things... She vehemently disagreed with me. Inside I was raging mad..HOW DARE SHE? However, to her I said thank you for your concern and I understand. You see my recovery has taught me that feelings are not facts and that she is entitled to her opinion. I do not have to listen to her opinion but i also don't need to make her feel bad or invalidate her opinion. I also know that if I told he how I felt, she would listen and she would understand..BUt there really is no need to do this and it is much easier to let it go.

You see, people need to feel that they are right. The truth is that being right is irrelevant...Doing the next right thing for ourselves is all that matters. If we need others advice we can ask for it..BUT if we do not ask, it should not be given! When advice is given without asking, it is criticism..Most people I know don't like criticism and do not respond well to it. My sister is no different from me in that I used to behave in this way.

I had a recent experience that showed me how much recovery I have. A friend of mine asked to get together to network about job opportunities..She is a very successful businesswoman who knew me when I was at the height of my career. Today I am a failed successful businesswoman..My expereience with her showed me that I am not a failure at all and that good things are going to come my way. When she asked my thoughts I shared with her what I would do and I asked her if she would like my observations about what she could do better..She wanted my opinion. I shared my opinion by gently asking her questions and letting her discover what she needed to be doing better, rather than by telling her...She remarked that I am one of the smartest businesswoman she has ever met and could not understand why I was having so much trouble finding work....I pray her remarks get heard by the universe and that my luck changes...Never the less it felt great to be able to help her using my new found tools of living.

Finally, one more thought to share..I am so proud of Mark and how he is working his recovery. He is really learning to communicate and share his feelings openly and honestly and to focus on himself...It is wonderful to see and wonderful for our marriage. I am so happy that he is working his program of recovery and that he has found a new sponsor with 20 years of sobriety who is happily married...It is not my business who he chooses as a sponsor but I do believe choosing people whom we would like to mirror is important to helping us with recovery...Mirroring someone with a happy marriage is so very important for our future. While there is a lot of stuff to deal with in my life today, staying married and knowing my partner is truly committed to his recovery and to loving me and our son is a gift that his priceless....

Until tomorrow............