alone again

Mark alcoholic

I cannot believe I just lost 1 hour of blogging! My disease wins tonight. I am not drinking nor am I going to but my disease is 10% drinking and 90% thinking. I started the day well a great meeting, good feedback ,I came home and Hunter was down I don't blame her she did not want to go to her office and I always think its my fault and its not there is nothing about that I control other than getting back on track and taking care of my family .

I had choices tonight... great choices! I could have gone to play tennis. I could have gone to Spiderman 3 with my son, wife, and 3 of his friends, or I could have gone to a 5:30 meeting. What did I do? I stayed home alone. The disease won!

I am so pissed of about losing that other blog but I will try to finish this one.

I have to stay sober no matter what!!!!! I want my old life back. The money, the business, and all the stuff. But it will take time. I want to take care of my loved ones more than you can believe. Hunter does not believe me, most of the time I know she cares for me and she is a wonderful person. She deserves better. She is all I have- her and my son and I fear I will lose them, no, I know for sure I will lose them if I drink !

I called my sponsor and some other AA's tonight and was reminded that I have been a cronic alcoholic progressing for 25 years. The more I talk the better I feel I just hate myself. The internal rage is eating me up and I want it to stop. I know the only way is to stay close to my program or I am done for!

I watched David Hasseldof on tv beeing videod by hiS daughter drunk. I have been in the same state he was in in the video and I never want that again. But we are all close if we do forget what we were like. Recovery is hard work and non alcoholics cannot ever fully understand recovery. My wife does an incredible job with me and I do really want all of my life back .

Being reminded by Hunter daily really hurts. I go to my meetings every day to be reminded and it is very painful. I don't blame her one bit. It's just tough to handle every day.

I wish she had taken her cell phone so I could be with them all for pizza and see how happy my son is with his friends. I wont be so stupid next time.

The underling message for this post is that my disease wants me alone and vulnerable. I don't mind being alone most of the time. It is just today for some reason I can't explain it but by writing it down it feels a whole lot better.

Today I have a gift and I must do my gratitude list and be satisfied today for what I have and not for what I have not. I have the chance to live a new life free of alcohol with great wife and son and a great golden retriever named Duke. I have not mentioned Duke before. He is very much a part of our family in recovery. So I guess I was not honest about being alone... a white lie but as my wife would remind me still a lie. Duke is home with me so I am not alone and it is time to let him out.

Thanks for letting me share.

Mark alcoholic.