you cant change the past -but it still hurts

Mark Alcoholic,

Thank you ,whoever you are for responding to my writing it helps me greatly to know I am not alone in recovery and neither are you no matter what our situation .

I am one angry bastard today. My disease is playing havoc on me. Its not that I want to drink but I really am starting to remember. I am at war with this thing alcohol. It has cost me one marriage two daughters and millions of dollars and some part of my health. I have lost friends and family. That's where the great good old days of drinking ended up taking me.

I don't want to get on the pity pot and some part of me is telling me it is good to feel the way I do and get it out. I must remember to do my gratitude list. I have not lost everything and I have a chance. Others have not been so lucky! This stuff kills and I am alive to tell a story. I will with all my new found friends live a sober alcohol free life. No matter what else life has to offer me I will stay sober!

Hunter and I went to dinner tonight and I do put her through some tough stuff. Recovery is not easy. It's a new relationship. I know if I put my recovery first all is possible. I know she wants a good life and the family to be strong and for me to live responsibly and take care of us. I also want this and if I stay on track it will happen.

A friend of my shared this morning at the early bird meeting. He has 18 years and he shared that if we told some of our stories as open and honestly to people not in the rooms the way we share they just would not believe us. I respect these guys. This guy was facing 20 year jail time years ago and is now one of the most successful builders in my town - all made possible by working the program with as he calls us his family of AA .

A mate of mine told me that he can tell me things having known me for 4 months things he can't tell his own father of 45 years . I cant explain this AA gift well to my own father as when I call him in Spain he often is toasting my recovery and telling me how well I am doing while drinking a glass of champagne with my mother. She is an alcoholic in denial and he has been hospitalized in the past for pancreatitis! I really don't want to know.

My past is part of my character and I am some character (EGO MUCH ???) Since I am English I am noticed when I share. Another AA told me yesterday he always likes my shares they make him laugh. I helped keep him sober yesterday. We talked about choosing a sponsor. I have a few sponsors, not drinks, and I said this time I have gone with some one bigger than me to keep in line. I am 6-4 and he is bigger. He also has 17 years and is a great guy. I think its a good idea for me to work well with a sponsor I respect and I see how different parts of recovery have needed different types of help.

Its really cool to have a sponsor and by the way I am also very proud to be a member of AA. I protect others anonymity always and mine when necessary but I also sing the praises. I know this is a touchy subject but if I had cancer and went into remission and was asked where I got better I would tell everyone about the hospital the doctor etc. If you would have seen me 5 months ago and now you would ask me what medication I was on and what doctor I work to overcome alcoholism. My answer to you would be simple the AA tablet and doctor Bob and his mates .

I have bounced around with this tonight I am not in a good place but by blogging I feel a little better please if you read this pray for my anger to be lifted I only mean well and my journey will be bumpy but with all the support in the world we can all get and stay sober together ,and I promise to blog daily.Keep reading please and sending me your comments they keep me going.

Thanks for letting me share .

Mark alcoholic.