I AM JUST STARTING TO SEE MYSELF

Last night when I was going to sleep I looked at Mark and said to him " I can not believe what I have done to myself". During all the years of crisis I was not able to see myself and, I am ashamed to admit it, did not care about my appearance. Mark's remark was "that is how I feel about my days of drinking".

I started to think about how long I have been in crisis mode. Truth is, up until the past 100 plus days Mark has been an active alcoholic the entire time I have known him. He never dealt with the losses of his past and spent may years projecting these losses on to me. Things were bad on and off most of our marriage. Then, the woman who was glue for us in so many ways, my mom, had Alzheimer's that progressed to the point where she moved to Florida, away from us. The pain of losing her I think escalated things further, I truly stopped seeing myself when I lost her. Mom lived in our home on an off during the years before she moved and became a part of everything our family did. Mark and I both spent countless hours talking with her, helping her, dancing with her, travelling with her, laughing with her and truly loving having her around. Sadly during this time I did not know how bad Mark's disease was and that, according to my family, he was stealing from my mom. I am still not sure I completely believe this as during that time we gave so very much to my mom-not financially as we did not have the means to -but in terms of life, love, time, patience, fun, caring, sharing, and all else that makes life worth living. I do know that Mark's disease prevented mom from spending the rest of her days with us and I am sad about this as today, she no longer knows who I am and I can not talk on the phone with her as she does not know how to and it is too painful. Because she is so far away I can not hold her hand, sit by her bed, hug her and let her know that no matter what we love her and due to the circumstances in our home-alcoholism and recovery and lack of money I can not freely go and visit her.

So, I think I stopped seeing myself when mom left. She left us with a note saying that she knew she was not coming back here. She did come for one summer and I so wish I had another summer with her here.

So things really went downhill when mom left that was 4 years ago. I became unable to hold down a job and Mark spent his days drunk (he was probably doing this long before this time).

I really did stop seeing myself as all became a crisis.

A myriad of images stream through my mind as I think of this time including crashing my car 5 times, driving in the car with our son and Mark and Mark pulling the emergency break and stopping the car, mark getting out of a moving car on the highway, mark passing out and having seizures while in the car, mark showing up at events stone drunk to the point of embarrassment, having my ear drums broken, calling info line at all hours of the night in crisis to stop the raging and to get some help...all the while being fearful of the police coming and taking my son away from me....finally an ambulance taking Mark to the emergency room, where he nearly died of double pneumonia. All alcohol induced.

While all of this was going on I had been travelling back and forth to Florida to help care for my mom who nearly died in the hospital. I sat by her bed and cared for her day and night and then helped with home care when she went home so that the professional caregivers could have some relief and also so that mom was not alone. I was so well trained in caregiving at that point that it was easy to sit by Mark's side in the hospital, make sure he got the best care and was comfortable.

I was so overwhelmed....I did not see myself.

Mark came home from the hospital and we moved house. I prayed the nightmare was over and the move would be a new beginning....Wrong again...the bottle followed us and polluted our new home, our woods , the pond, and our new life.

That was 21 months ago and it took 20 of those 21 for me to finally start to see myself! I am not sure that I would have been able to do this if Mark had not been given the gift of sobriety.

Reviewing the chronology since our move for me is helpful. In August 2005 Mark went to his first AA meeting (it was either that or jail), in Sept. 2005 he went to first rehab-High Watch-he showed up drunk and was sent to detox and then was later admitted.. He did not stay the full time but did come home a different person which lasted about 3 weeks..Then he started drinking again and life became worse. DCF (children an family services) and the police were called into he home numerous times. Christmas and new years were horrible and full of crisis.

In January 2006 I moved out of the house with our son and stayed in a domestic violence shelter. I was so lucky to have this place as a refuge but felt I did not belong there-I came from a good family people like me don't end up in places like this -that is and was denial....

I clearly could not see myself.

After 3 weeks I moved into a friends home for 3 weeks. During this time I maintained constant contact with Mark and discovered many painful things-he was with other women and stealing from me...Why did I put up with this and why did I still love him?

Clearly I could not see myself!

Finally I asked him to leave on February 15, 2006. Stupidly I let him drive a car that was in my name, exposing myself to enormous liability. He came back briefly in March 2006 and in April 2006 I had the car keys taken away from him by the police. He left on a train and bus to his friends house in Amagansett NY. During this time our house was broken into and special possessions of mine were stolen (mark was the only suspect in the police investigation). How could he do this to me and our son? It was not him -addiction took over his mind and his soul and turned him into a crazy person.

Sadly during this time I felt alone and abandoned by my family, my friends, and Mark's family-who blamed me for mark's disease! Thank God for the support of the community we moved into who helped me and our son through this horrible time.

How could I possibly see myself?

So June 2006 rolls around. Mark has burned all his bridges in Amagansett and has no place to go. He shows up at our doorstep, our son is excited to have daddy home, I do not know what to do. So I allow him to sleep outside in our yard on the condition that he checks in to a rehab within a month. On July 18th he goes to a place called Arms Acres. I also take decisive action at this time by filing for a restraining order. It was so hard for me to do this and I passed out at the courthouse when I did. I did not enforce the restraining order but knew I could if he did not commit to getting better and not drinking I would have to for the safety of our son and myself.

I guess I was starting to see myself at this point but in denial.

Mark did not stay the entire time at rehab because we were out of money and insurance would not pay for it. He did stay sober until September 30th but in many ways was still in denial and in hindsight a slip was not surprising. The end of this nightmare was coming...one way or another!

In December 2006 I called the police because Mark was drunk and out of order and I promised myself I would not live like that ever again or expose our son to it. The next day our son's school calls and informs me that our son reported abusive behavior from his dad to them...DCF (children's and family services) is called in again. Mark is told that he can no longer drink and be part or our life. This time there is no turning back as I do not want our son in a foster home and if I do not act decisively and keep him in a calm peaceful environment that is what will happen.

So what do you think happens...Mark gets drunk the next day....A cunning and baffling disease is alcoholism.

True to my word I call the police and Mark gets arrested but released to the custody of a friend. That is the day, December 16th, he has his last drink.

On December 18th we go to court and an order of protection is issued which stipulates he can not drink or be abusive in or near our home. Christmas and New years were the worst ever as I discover money we needed to pay bills was stolen by him and used for other things.

January 2007 Mark is not drinking and working on his sobriety but still lying to me. It is now April 2007.

Things are getting better. I am sure that Mark is still lying to me about things but I know he is working on staying sober and becoming a better person. I respect him for this it is hard work. A sparkle is coming back into our son's eyes that had disappeared during the year's of crisis and this morning before Mark went to his AA meeting the four of us (Mark, me, our son, and our dog) had a long snuggle in bed hugging and loving....It has been a long journey to get there and it is getting better one day at a time.

How long has it been really bad? 40 months! Why did I stay with Mark?-We need each other and love each other and our son needs his family. What will the future hold? By the grace of God more and more stability, sobriety, afternoons at baseball with our son, and snuggles in the morning...Much better than the nightmare we have lived or any other solution.

And best of all, today I can see myself. I have let myself go during these years of crisis as I was barely functioning. Yesterday's Hazeleden Thought For The Day (http://www.hazeden.org )sums up where I need to be now and everyday for the rest of my life:

"Do we love and care for our body as well as we love and care for our home and car? Do we feel our body deserves full attention and a loving maintenance plan?Taking our body for granted is easy because of its remarkable durability and regenerative power. We may get lulled into a false sense of "nine lives" body security, believing our physical being will fix itself no matter what.Self-care takes time and priority planning to be successful. We may find we put off our exercise and nutritional needs, saying, "Tomorrow I'll start taking better care of myself." But sooner or later tomorrow comes, and our body produces symptoms that demand attention.Learning to love and nurture our body brings rewards without measure. We deserve to reap the benefits starting today.Today let me realize that respect for my body builds a healing temple in which the rest of my life can grow.
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