Letting Go of The Past is Not Easy

It is really frustrating to spend a lot of time writing a blog and then losing the information. mark called as i was writing and when talking to him it got erased..Of course it is his fault..everything is!!!! (JUST KIDDING ON THIS ONE)

Yesterday was a tough day but a good one. Mark is doing so well not drinking and working his AA program of recovery. He has taken a new sponsor, one who is happily married with kids whose wife stuck by him, like I have with Mark. This was a great choice for mark as so many of the guys in his program are divorced and can not relate to many of the issues mark is dealing with and feed negative energy about marriage and wives. Mark has his ups and downs and as he starts to feel his emotions and not drown them in substance he is coming to terms with the wreckage of his life. He is vulnerable, needy of love and kindness, and I am not always able to give him all he needs. I am glad he finds it in his AA meetings.

When I put together papers for taxes yesterday (nothing like waiting until the last minute!)I found things from the past and I went nuts...I completely lost my program and screamed at him. How could he have lied to me, stolen from me, hidden important papers and mail, stayed in expensive hotels without my knowledge, and so much more? What went through my mind was "is he still lying tome?" What about? I went nuts and forgot that Alcoholism is the Devil on Earth. I never believed in the Devil but an active alcoholic's behavior and personality change as a result is so diabolical that I came to believe.....and the fact that the only solution to the problem that has stood the test of time is the AA program and an unshakable faith in God-or the God of one's understanding.

In yesterday's crisis I totally lost my program of recovery and reverted into insanity and worry about lack of finances and Mark's irresponsibility, along with my inability to maintain a job during the years of crisis and the hard time I am having now finding one. Our son suffered from this crazy behaviour as I was unable to listen to his needs, help him with his homework, or simply enjoy the moments with him.

As I left to take our taxes to the person who is helping me I reflected on my poor behaviour. The first think I did when I came home was hug our son and apologize and spend 30 minutes putting him to bed, making up stories, listening, and loving. then I talked calmly with Mark. To my surprise while I was gone he too did some reflecting. He called his new sponsor-the one who is happily married, talked it out, and shared with me his feelings and apologized for all that he has done, acknowledged my feelings, and acknowledged that the only thing he can do today is not drink, work his program, and do right by me and himself and his family today and in the future. This is a miracle!

I also want to add that our financial situation is quite bad today. Our income is below the federal poverty level and we are exempt from state and federal taxes! this is not position that an people from affluent upper middle class/wealthy backgrounds would be expected to be in..But you see alcoholism touches all types of people an its power to destroy knows not boundaries. My prayers is that we get out of our financial problem and earn a lot of money..enough to give back to the human services in our town and the wonderful man who spends 4 hours a week as a volunteer helping poor people file their taxes, and all the other amazing people an services who have made things just a bit brighter for us. I pray we can give back to them and help others....

Those of us who are lucky to find recovery as individuals and as a family learn a very wonderful lesson from our experience. We learn to appreciate the simplicity in life and to be grateful for small things. This is gift and the miracle of God.

-Hunter