BRUTAL FEW DAYS YES...COMPARED TO A YEAR AGO NO !

Mark has been difficult to live with past few days as he has been very oversensitive and highly reactive. BUT there is a big difference in this behavior...For me I have a strong Alanon foundation and I know not to react...In the past I would have gone nuts and screamed back and things would have escalated out of control. Now I just let him get it out of his system and know it will pass and I make sure that our son understands this as well through my reassurance and Mark's. This may sound funny but I am actually happy that Mark is a dry drunk and not drunk. A dry drunk in recovery is able to snap out of the behavior and realize what an asshole they acted like. A drunk is not able to do this. Seeing mark as a dry drunk is scary as I see the wild eyed look and the 'I don't give a shit' attitude that took over his personality during the drinking years. I don't want to ever live with that person again. The recovering alcoholic I live with is wonderful as he discovers the joys of sobriety one day at at time...Today our son has his first baseball game of the season. He will go looking like a pro thanks to Mark who bought him his own batting helmet, top of the line cleats, and a special bag for his bat, glove, and practice balls. I cry when I think of this out of joy..It never would have happened when mark was drinking....In fact last year Mark was too drunk to go to any of our son's games and I was in too much crisis to take care of these small, but very important and special, details. It was hard enough for me to get out of bed and I did go to all of our son's games. I am so glad our son is bonding in a healthy way with a dad who is sober. I know that this would never have happened without me doing my part and the next right thing. I have always been there for our son and given him the love, education, stability, and support that he has needed. I have also always been there for Mark and never given up hope. I did have to let go and I did have to do some unimaginable things such as file a restraining order, call the police, and so many more things that I do not even want to get into as the memories are too painful. BUT Mark always knew that I was there for him. I learned this kind of deep love from my mom. Mark needed to know he was loved and all of my actions always let him know this. I truly believe that this love helped him become the miracle of recovery that he is today...ANd he truly is a miracle as it took him so long to finally get it. This love and my capacity to forgive is a wonderful quality of mine. It is not always easy and there is still a lot of mistrust in our relationship, especially since many things that relate to money that mark says he has taken care of seem to always fall through the cracks...Our money troubles terrify me and I live with this fear all the time.. I am doing all I can to find a good job and I had a wonderful phone interview yesterday. It is the perfect opportunity for me and I pray I get it. I have a face to face interview on Monday...Prayers from the universe and all who read this for me are greatly appreciated...I need a bit of luck and I need to be financially independent again so that I can keep the house and pay basic bills. mark supposedly has a job but has not been paid or gone to the job in two months...Sounds like bullshit to me but there is no use confronting mark about it as I will get more bullshit....Even if it is not bullshit, it appears to be, that is enough. A wise friend of mine, who has a marriage in recovery, once said that she barely spoke to her husband at all during his first year of sobriety. I think about that comment often and in many ways it applies to our life in early recovery. I am starting to focus on myself but not enough. Recently I wrote a blog about my first 90 days in quest to lose weight...I have failed to be diligent. I have failed to get rid of the clutter in my life but I think I am doing as much as I can right now... Today I will pick one task that needs to be taken care of and I will do it....I have not yet done our taxes...I must do this today as well as exercises and spend 2 hours de-cluttering our home. That will be enough for today and I will make sure I do it. I continuously remember I do not have the chaos of the past in my life, I have serenity and a home that is peaceful and quiet...This feels abnormal to me as I never had this growing up. SO perhaps I have to forgive myself and realize that ll things will happen in time. I am watching a family of 10 wild turkeys walk down my driveway...I don't feel like I live in the country but these turkey's continually remind me that I do....as do the woods I am looking at out of my window as I write this. I pray I can stay here as it is the first time I have ever felt like I am truly home and that I belong...

Until next time - Hunter