Good morning. Hunter again. I went an Alanon meeting last night for the first time in months. It was wonderful to see many familiar faces who were always there as I was going through the worst of times. It was also a powerful reminder of how painful it is to live with or deal with active addicts.
My prayers go out this morning to a lady who is going to court to negotiate her divorce from a man who is still active. As she talked about his behavior it brought up for me all the pain I experienced when Mark was still active. Like Mark used to be, her soon to be ex goes to AA meetings and pretends to be in the program but does not work it. Her soon to be ex has been to rehab 4 times and still does not get it. Someone posted a response to Mark and on on this blog regarding rehabs explaining why the don't work...He was right. Unless an addict surrenders completely to a higher power of their understanding and follows the instructions clearly written in the blue book the addict will not recover. This is also true for family members affected by this disease, we must also surrender to higher power, work the steps and follow our program in order to make our lives better. I talked with my friend about Mark's behavior in the program as compared with her husbands..There is a clear difference when an addict really gets and works the program Today, my friend has to do the next right thing and it is painful. My prayers are with her. It is so hard to imagine that one would have to issue orders of protection or request supervised visits only between a child and a parent but this disease robs beautiful souls of all decency and reduces them to irrational horrible people whom are a danger to us and our children. I told my friend last night to remember when she is in court that the man she fell in love with is "absent" and has been possessed. If that man was in his right mind he would want her to do exactly what she is doing in order to protect his kids from the uncaring monster he has become.....I understand her feelings so very much. It is so very hard to believe that anyone can act as irrational as addicts do. Their behavior is so full of lies and manipulation, and they are for the most part quite convincing. Understanding that you can not believe a word they say or take much stock in anything they do is really hard. Choosing not to put up with it is also hard but once this choice is made life gets better. Today I pray for my friend that she gets through today, stays strong, and that things get better.
I also saw another friend there who always looks tired. She too will have to divorce her husband and is in the process. She seemed calm and seems like she is doing well...It was good to see her in this place.
I also have to say that going to Alanon meetings is hard for me right now as it brings up too much pain from the past year for me. I am working so hard on enjoying the miracle of the present and getting my life back on track as a family that I had a hard time sitting through the meeting. It was depressing for me. I know it is important to share experience strength and hope with others, but perhaps for now I can do this through my blog and public outreach and an occasional meeting...It seems that this is better for my recovery....
As Mark has to always remember how close he is to his first drink I must remember how close I am to the chaos that could result from that first drink. However, for today I need to focus on moving forward and on positive things. I recall what a wonderful wise friend of mine, whose husband is sober 2 years, recently told me. She said that last year she could not be around me very much as I brought up too much pain from her past, reminding her of the hell she went through with her husband. I understand as that is how I felt last night.
Today in our family, because of the miracle of recovery there is so much hope. Mark is starting to talk responsibly about working and being a provider-different from ever before-in a real way; doors are starting to open for both of us; our communication is getting better and is open and honest ( he loved the blog I wrote yesterday and told me how good it felt to know how much compassion I have); and there are a lot of wonderful firsts such as sitting through a parent teacher conference together, enjoying our son's baseball game together, and recognizing each other as individuals. Mark and I went to a business meeting together yesterday. Mark was very fidgety in the meeting...At the end of the meeting the head of the company called mark into his offices to chat...He shook Mark's hand and said "It's OK, I am a friend of Bill's and you are doing great. Get to a meeting" For those who do not know this "a friend of Bill's" is someone who is in AA.
One more thought on recovery. I have a part time job and a supervisor who is a micro manager. I work hard and I get all my tasks done and don't waste time. I do get a phone call from my son once a day when he comes home from school, and as my husband and I only have one car we usually talk once or twice a day to coordinate pick up times. Occasionally I will take a call from our son's school. None of this is unusual for anyone working. My boss never tells me I am doing a great job. Instead she sends me an email telling me that I have too many personal calls at work. What a load of crap that is.....But instead of reacting I ignored it and continued to do my work. I realize that my boss feels a bit threatened by me as I am starting to interact and get noticed by people in the company and doing a good job. She spends a lot of time talking with one of my co-workers who is a friend of hers, checking her personal emails, and printing off recipes during the work day....I resent hypocritical behavior..But, I have a strong program behind me. How important is her comment? In the general scheme of things in my life...NOT VERY. It bothers me that managers can be so stupid sometimes....As long as people do their job who cares.
I have one more thought, which could take a whole volume but I will keep it brief. I realize I am a very forgiving person as I think about the Imus debacle. For me I think the man appologized he was given a suspension. He made a mistake...BUt the consequences of his behavior have caused him to most probably lose his job. I feel this is a bit extreme. But it is a good lesson. Life on life's terms has consequences when we step out of line. Not everyone is all forgiving and we must always think before we speak (is it Thoughtuf, Honest, Necessary, Intelligent,Kind) if not better left unsaid...Imus' s coments were none of these....while I might not think he deserves such severe consequences, the universe feels different. He did something wrong. That is the way of the world. We can not manipulate it as we see fit. We have to play by the rules and treat others as we would like to be treated.
Mark just called to let me know he is on his way home and that I need to get ready for work. He is in a wretched mood. I was sharing with him a dream I had last night and some feelings I had about my meeting last night. He exploded at me saying this has nothing to do with him and his sobriety..He is right it does not..BUt the world is not all about Mark and his recovery. I find myself letting a lot of things go these days. People in Mark's program think he is close to a drink...His behavior at times and a lot of the things he says and does make me feel this way too. And while Alanon has helped me tremendously over the past few years,the negative vibes from last nights meeting have caused me to start doubting things. Although I don't think he is going to drink I do think he feels overwhelmed today and is trying to learn how to deal with his feelings without drinking..Changing old behaviours and patterns is really hard and each day you practice the new behaviors they get easier. Mood swings are common for addicts in recovery. My program teaches me to let it go, it is not that important and I do...This is behavior that works.... Mark is now able to appologize for his mood swings. that is progress.
I want to get home early today as I have to finish off our taxes and want to be here to help our son with his homework.
Until later or tomorrow.
Hunter
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