I really need a meeting

I started my day with another regular AA meeting 7.30 every morning missing a meeting is I am told planned relapse ,yes the daily grind must continue my disease does not go away and AA is my medication!. The meeting Friday is open discussion which means group therapy with people talking about cats and dogs and partners and nothing to do with recovering from our terrible disease .If I was a total new comer and that was my first meeting I would not go back to another one but I might go back to a drink I will let the leaders know.

I know that I carried a resentment from the meeting as I did not even get to share I call it cherry picking the leaders of some of these meetings call on their friends to share even if they show up late and leave when they have dumped ,that is truly not the purpose the founders had in mind for the AA message is to be carried to other Alcoholics still suffering .

So with the weather getting bad I may not be able to get the the 5.30 but I will try I really need a meeting I never thought I would say that . The disease of alcoholism never leaves us people , they say it continues to do push up outside waiting for a moment to pounce and for some one getting complacent over 90 days that is dangerous . I know I have all the tools in place and must continue to fight as I really want recovery I must continue to work as hard on my recovery as I did on my drinking.

My wife continues to struggle with me and trust and believe me I don't blame her one bit. Time can only heal that, and proving my worth. I can only achieve a solid future if I a remain sober I know in my heart things will be fine. I have a vast amount of recovery left to work on ,my anger, resentments ,fear ,isolation ,anxiety all normal alcoholic problems not easy to deal with on a daily basis this is when I turn to AA and my sponsor I continue to remind my self that I am not alone and must not fear asking for help it is saving my life!

So it looks like I will be given a daily reprieve from alcohol as long as I follow the program ,you know when I came to the USA I did not plan this.

So the meeting did not work out to much bad weather so I returned home spoke to my sponsor and a few other drunks made dinner and watched a new HBO show called addiction . Apparently its all about the dopamine. I heard that at High Watch I also heard that I have a genetic part of the disease from parents etc frankly I think that's bullshit . I know I have become addicted to alcohol due to a number of factors and these may play a small part but if you have been putting alcohol in your system for 25 years plus, the body I think kind of gets used to it !

Any way I know their are millions of great people who think they know what caused us to become addicted and I am sure the medical world is spending millions on a quick fix happy drug,me I am sticking to AA for now .No experimenting for me I am following a proven path and I am doing it one step and one day at a time.This is from a guy who 18 months ago was given 6 hours to live suffering from double pneumonia and who's doctor said all you have to do is stop drinking!great council I drank 4 weeks after that ?some disease.

You know I had a great e-mail today from an old professor friend of mine in Cambridge England we used to be big drinkers we are members of the Ferne branker club, every weekend we would meet at the local pub Saturdays and Sundays and flip coins for rounds of drinks THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR MEMBERSHIP WAS THE DESIRE TO DRINK ! 4 FERNES AND AT LEAST 6 PINTS OF BEER . THAT WAS TO GET US WARMED UP , FOR ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT TRIED FERNE DON'T ITS LIKE ROCKET FUEL.In hindsight they were crazy times some fun but now I know what I know now it was surely the beginning of my progression into chronic alcoholism . The days I have wasted to drink are too many to count we also used to be in the James Bond club where we would do the day backwards so breakfast was dinner etc...crazy times .

I will be writing more about my big drinking days but as I am still in my first days of recovery I must be very careful not to romance alcohol and glamorize the good old days . Not smart for sobriety.

The day of meetings was not a good one but its over I did not drink today and tomorrow, weather permitting, I will get my first ever 90 day coin! I have a dozen 30 and 60 day coins but this beauty is the first 90 and I am very excited about it ! Wish me luck and I will tell more tomorrow .

Thanks for letting me share .

Mark Alcoholic.