BRUTAL FEW DAYS YES...COMPARED TO A YEAR AGO NO !

Mark has been difficult to live with past few days as he has been very oversensitive and highly reactive. BUT there is a big difference in this behavior...For me I have a strong Alanon foundation and I know not to react...In the past I would have gone nuts and screamed back and things would have escalated out of control. Now I just let him get it out of his system and know it will pass and I make sure that our son understands this as well through my reassurance and Mark's. This may sound funny but I am actually happy that Mark is a dry drunk and not drunk. A dry drunk in recovery is able to snap out of the behavior and realize what an asshole they acted like. A drunk is not able to do this. Seeing mark as a dry drunk is scary as I see the wild eyed look and the 'I don't give a shit' attitude that took over his personality during the drinking years. I don't want to ever live with that person again. The recovering alcoholic I live with is wonderful as he discovers the joys of sobriety one day at at time...Today our son has his first baseball game of the season. He will go looking like a pro thanks to Mark who bought him his own batting helmet, top of the line cleats, and a special bag for his bat, glove, and practice balls. I cry when I think of this out of joy..It never would have happened when mark was drinking....In fact last year Mark was too drunk to go to any of our son's games and I was in too much crisis to take care of these small, but very important and special, details. It was hard enough for me to get out of bed and I did go to all of our son's games. I am so glad our son is bonding in a healthy way with a dad who is sober. I know that this would never have happened without me doing my part and the next right thing. I have always been there for our son and given him the love, education, stability, and support that he has needed. I have also always been there for Mark and never given up hope. I did have to let go and I did have to do some unimaginable things such as file a restraining order, call the police, and so many more things that I do not even want to get into as the memories are too painful. BUT Mark always knew that I was there for him. I learned this kind of deep love from my mom. Mark needed to know he was loved and all of my actions always let him know this. I truly believe that this love helped him become the miracle of recovery that he is today...ANd he truly is a miracle as it took him so long to finally get it. This love and my capacity to forgive is a wonderful quality of mine. It is not always easy and there is still a lot of mistrust in our relationship, especially since many things that relate to money that mark says he has taken care of seem to always fall through the cracks...Our money troubles terrify me and I live with this fear all the time.. I am doing all I can to find a good job and I had a wonderful phone interview yesterday. It is the perfect opportunity for me and I pray I get it. I have a face to face interview on Monday...Prayers from the universe and all who read this for me are greatly appreciated...I need a bit of luck and I need to be financially independent again so that I can keep the house and pay basic bills. mark supposedly has a job but has not been paid or gone to the job in two months...Sounds like bullshit to me but there is no use confronting mark about it as I will get more bullshit....Even if it is not bullshit, it appears to be, that is enough. A wise friend of mine, who has a marriage in recovery, once said that she barely spoke to her husband at all during his first year of sobriety. I think about that comment often and in many ways it applies to our life in early recovery. I am starting to focus on myself but not enough. Recently I wrote a blog about my first 90 days in quest to lose weight...I have failed to be diligent. I have failed to get rid of the clutter in my life but I think I am doing as much as I can right now... Today I will pick one task that needs to be taken care of and I will do it....I have not yet done our taxes...I must do this today as well as exercises and spend 2 hours de-cluttering our home. That will be enough for today and I will make sure I do it. I continuously remember I do not have the chaos of the past in my life, I have serenity and a home that is peaceful and quiet...This feels abnormal to me as I never had this growing up. SO perhaps I have to forgive myself and realize that ll things will happen in time. I am watching a family of 10 wild turkeys walk down my driveway...I don't feel like I live in the country but these turkey's continually remind me that I do....as do the woods I am looking at out of my window as I write this. I pray I can stay here as it is the first time I have ever felt like I am truly home and that I belong...

Until next time - Hunter

A brutal few days

Sorry I started without saying who I am . Mark Alcoholic. I have had a bad few days thats why I have not blogged probably a bad sign.

I must remember I am in early recovery and that I had been drinking for some 25-30 years and to be sober is a very small amount of time . I want my life to be better now and it just is not. I have bee bad to be around, treated my wife and son with anger and all around acted badly. I have been going to a lot of meetings praying talking to my sponsor and doing all I should do according to the big book .

They say early recovery is not all bells and whistles its not! I feel depressed angry lonely tired and plain fed up with my life . I am by nature a big happy go lucky type and I guess part of me still misses a few drinks and a good laugh the problem is that towards the end of my drinking it was not a few drinks and a good laugh ,it was near death and hell. I have not been close to a drink and I think that is in part due to the fact that I have been to so many meetings and stayed close to my new friends in AA .

Today I went to a men's early meeting after acting out at home and broke down in tears it was a good cleansing for me and I received tremendous support and respect from all the guys , that part of AA is truly amazing . I basically told how I had acted and all the guys said it was OK as I was starting to express my feelings instead of drowning my sorrows .

Recovery is a tough business and just as i draged my family down with me when I get depressed or down in recovery they are right along with me . I must remember this and stay strong my wife has her own issues with her family as I have mine and I must respect that as well as be aware of what I have done ,believe me I would not want to be married to me !

Tomorrow I will run my first AA meeting at 7.30 in the morning and I am looking forward to it ,it will be an open discussion meeting and I will get to choose topic I will fill you in tomorrow .The daily grind is getting to me but I must believe that God has a plan for me and as long as I stay sober and move on with my steps I have a great chance of a new life. Quote from the big book that I like (From experience I've realized that I CANNOT GO BACK AND MAKE A BRAND NEW START BUT THROUGH AA I CAN START AND MAKE A BRAND NEW END)The only hope I have is to stay the course and not do what I have done in the past and give in,I am one of the lucky ones given a gift of recovery ,I have a beautiful wife and a great son ,I also have two daughters I have not seen in two years and a troubled relationship with my family so their are continuous battles with ups and downs ,but you know its life and I at least have a shot as long as I stay sober one day at a time

So I have come this far lets keep up the good work and pray tonight for gratitude for what I have and not what I have lost and do not have .

Catch you later !
Marky Mark Alcoholic.

When I get better you get better, When I get down, you get down

I hope Mark writes in this blog today as I try not to write until he has written. What we are noticing in our family is that our moods are infectious...I have been very down the past few days and spent a lot of it in bed....Mark has been down as well...he is feeling close to a drink, his sponsor is depressing him, and he is starting to confront the wreckage he caused by drinking rather than drinking to escape it...He is working his AA program and it is a constant battle everyday. For me it is a joy to see him calling other people in AA, seeking advice, and doing whatever it takes to stay sober. For me it is also hard to understand the constant thoughts of drinking associated with pleasure he has..ie....I had dinner with a girlfriend this past week whom I had not seen in over a year. As I left Mark remarked about having a few drinks with my friend and getting hammered.....Having a few drinks with my friend was the furthest thing from my mind. Seeing her new home and catching up on each others lives was what I was thinking about not drinking. The difference between me and an alcoholic is associating a glass of wine with pleasure rather than the experience of a sunset, good coversation, seeing family or old friends, nature, etc...The wine is not pleasurable, the experience is....Thinking about the wine rather than the experience is sick. This is part of recovery.

Anyway I have to stop writing now as my alcoholic has returned from his morning AA meeting and I have to go off work. I will close by saying that I don't fear him drinking again but this first year of recovery is really tough. I fear our financial insecurity and it is hard sometimes to deal with his moods. It is hard to be sympathetic on an ongoing basis and his needs and expectations are far greater than i am able to give.. I do my best and tha tis all i can do...We love each other very much and we are slowly working things out.

STINKIN THINKIN AND HOW TO HELP

Mark woke up in a wretched mood today....out of sorts with his life and thinking that our son and I don't like him. THAT IS STINKIN THINKIN! Our son and I am so grateful for Mark's not drinking. Life is geting so much better and we have hope as a family-all because he is not drinking. He has a disgusting disease that fights him. And of course when he gets down, if effects me and our son. Our son fought iwth me this morning because I would not olet him to go school in dirty ripped clothes-he said he did not care....and I feel sad and depressed and do not want to go to my preschool job or my part time low paying job...Ireally don't want to leave the house. I really can not talk to Mark, I can only listen. As his partner I can pray that I have the ability to give him loving guidance. I pray that he knows how much I have prayed for him over the past few years and I pray he knows that I did not give up on him ever because of the person I know him to be. I do not hate myh husband, I love him..We have had a horrible few years. Today I heard him blaming coming to this country fo rhis problems, and not liking where we live, etc..This is the natural "running instinct" that alcoholics have...Running is not an option. Living is..>Today I pray I learn how to live and that he does. Off to work.

Hunter

then next 90 days

We are in the second phase of the first year of recovery. Things really are getting better one day at a time and each day is better. I am still worried about financial security and struggling to get work. I have an interview to sell home heating services today....a far cry from running a dynamic event services company...but local, fairly stress free, and enough in salary to pay some of my bills and not lose my home! This is a good thing. Mark is supposedly starting a great new job and is going to NY today to hopefully get some closure on this opportunity. I would love it if it panned out for many reasons..most of all because it will help me breath a little easier and make a better life for our son and family.....and it would be great for Mark.. I do see that things happen in Gods time and that it is the right, but often painful, thing. Mark had to put his sobriety above all else before he could truly take on a good job and be responsible. Now that his is over the first 90 days and proving to himself daily that recovery on a daily basis is important he is ready...I believe God, or the forces of the universe, have made this happen....and I pray today is a good day and that as a family we move closer to financial stability today.....While health and sobriety are more important when it comes to life...it is time to stop having bad credit, getting help from social services, and losing assets and time to start contributing our potential to eh world and being the leaders we are and also time to being having enough security financially to be able to donate money to others in need and help others in the way we have been helped...This is my prayer for the next 90 days of recovery..that we turn our financial situation around and move in a positive direction....Off to take Mark to the train...I pray the forces of the universe are with us in a positive way helping us to be the best we can be today.

The journey continues

I have a good feeling abvout life today . My AA program is starting to realy kick in. I have had a battle earlier in the week with my denial and believeing I am not a full blown alcoholic which of course I am .

I had two questioning days about should I continue to go and I should know better this thing is saving my life and all other things around me slowly improve.

I guess we all get disalusioned once in a while I think it helps us apreciate the program and gets me to remember how bad I really was!

MOVING FORWARD

Last few days have not been great but today I got a message and a feeling that all will be fine. Mark and I have been fighting every morning for past few days and we finally talked it out...this is what happens with increasing frequency in sobriety-thank GOD!

My work situation is really frustrating. To have managed a company and business for over 15 years and now only be allowed to do telemarketing and look up phone numbers for staff people is really frustrating and frankly a waste of my talent. My job search is very much like sales thousands of calls to get one good opportunity.....That opportunity has not yet appeared.....

I will approach today's unpleasant task at work with a positive attitude....In fact today's Hazelden Thought for the Day sums it up:

from www.todaysgift@hazelden.org

" You grow up the first day you have the first real laugh - at yourself.--Ethel Barrymore

Infants chuckle and gurgle and find the world amusing, but apparently they rarely laugh at themselves. Perhaps that's because they're still very much the lord and master of their world. Even when they see themselves in the mirror, tots are more likely to find themselves incredible than hilarious.As we grow wiser we gain a sense of proportion about ourselves and our position in the universe. Just as the earth is not the center of the solar system, so we are just one of billions of people on our planet.Can we smile at ourselves? Or are we always guarding our dignity or feeling fragile and vulnerable? A sense of humor means the ability to enjoy human foibles, even at our own expense. Having this kind of humor helps us to put others - and especially ourselves in relation to others - in perspective. Perhaps it is only when we've had a good laugh at ourselves for our imperfections that we can really begin to gain in stature. By keeping our importance in perspective, we learn to grow.I can enjoy a good laugh - and will allow myself the freedom of a sense of humor, especially about myself. "

So what is the sense of humor in my day and my work today? I am struggling with this one and all I can come up with is the absurdity of the situation. I will see those around me at work as clowns and look for the message in the madness.

What else will I do today? Be grateful for the sobriety in our home and the new life we are beginning. Be grateful for our beautiful healthy sun who is shining more and more each day as a result of the sobriety and peace in our home and be happy for the little things.