A brutal few days

Sorry I started without saying who I am . Mark Alcoholic. I have had a bad few days thats why I have not blogged probably a bad sign.

I must remember I am in early recovery and that I had been drinking for some 25-30 years and to be sober is a very small amount of time . I want my life to be better now and it just is not. I have bee bad to be around, treated my wife and son with anger and all around acted badly. I have been going to a lot of meetings praying talking to my sponsor and doing all I should do according to the big book .

They say early recovery is not all bells and whistles its not! I feel depressed angry lonely tired and plain fed up with my life . I am by nature a big happy go lucky type and I guess part of me still misses a few drinks and a good laugh the problem is that towards the end of my drinking it was not a few drinks and a good laugh ,it was near death and hell. I have not been close to a drink and I think that is in part due to the fact that I have been to so many meetings and stayed close to my new friends in AA .

Today I went to a men's early meeting after acting out at home and broke down in tears it was a good cleansing for me and I received tremendous support and respect from all the guys , that part of AA is truly amazing . I basically told how I had acted and all the guys said it was OK as I was starting to express my feelings instead of drowning my sorrows .

Recovery is a tough business and just as i draged my family down with me when I get depressed or down in recovery they are right along with me . I must remember this and stay strong my wife has her own issues with her family as I have mine and I must respect that as well as be aware of what I have done ,believe me I would not want to be married to me !

Tomorrow I will run my first AA meeting at 7.30 in the morning and I am looking forward to it ,it will be an open discussion meeting and I will get to choose topic I will fill you in tomorrow .The daily grind is getting to me but I must believe that God has a plan for me and as long as I stay sober and move on with my steps I have a great chance of a new life. Quote from the big book that I like (From experience I've realized that I CANNOT GO BACK AND MAKE A BRAND NEW START BUT THROUGH AA I CAN START AND MAKE A BRAND NEW END)The only hope I have is to stay the course and not do what I have done in the past and give in,I am one of the lucky ones given a gift of recovery ,I have a beautiful wife and a great son ,I also have two daughters I have not seen in two years and a troubled relationship with my family so their are continuous battles with ups and downs ,but you know its life and I at least have a shot as long as I stay sober one day at a time

So I have come this far lets keep up the good work and pray tonight for gratitude for what I have and not what I have lost and do not have .

Catch you later !
Marky Mark Alcoholic.