A Little Better

Logged on to find Mark's blog as he said it disappeared when he tried to post it..It is gone..oh well guess it was not meant to be. Yesterday was a hard day for me and today is still hard. Yesterday was made easier because Mark is in recovery and he was able to be understanding, loving and kind and accepting of all that was in my blog as truth. This is an amazing development in his recovery. As we learn to become more interdependent and not co-dependent this kind of behavior is exactly what it needs to be and makes me feel so much better about our relationship and future together.

As for me I am in a bad emotional state. After a long and successful career working with heads of state and titans of industry, I now work as a drone telemarketing. I have a boss who I thought was really wonderful person who has turned into a nightmare-picking on things such as sending a report to her in excel format rather than as a word document! I wonder how busy someone can possibly be if this is all they have to pick on...And to make it worse, when I realized she was angry about it I offered to change it and she responded by saying don't bother. Some days she remarks "what is all that banging on the computer about"...usually I am writing emails to clients she has requested and customizing them a bit. Other days she says I am slow, when in truth I am the first person to complete projects given to me...I am given projects no one else wants to work on and I approach them with a positive attitude and efficiency. She is a complete control freak who asks me to make calls and when someone wants an email asks me to email her the information so she can do it. She asks me to write reports and compile data for the client yet does not allow me any contact with the client nor does she put my name on reports that I write. It really pisses me off when people take credit for others work. I also resent when people criticize your work yet do not set uniform standards for people to be accountable to...I suggested to her the other day that she set standards for our team ie... a certain amount o phone calls and contacts per day...then monitoring becomes easier, either the contacts were made or they were not.. The micromanagement bullshit and taking out of frustrations on me has got to stop and i don't know how to stop it. I feel completely demeaned at my place of work and sad because I can not find another job and am desperate for any kind of income...and this income unfortunately puts me at the federal poverty level.... I come from a family of very successful business people and up until my mom got Alzheimer's and I was ravaged by alcoholism in my home I had the resources to do things I wanted, such as go back to school or start a business. Now after the progression of her disease and the destruction of alcoholism I do not have these resources, and my husband says he does but has yet to come up with them....so frustrating.

I am struggling to find the lesson in this current work situation and exercising patience and tolerance. I am exercising the slogan from Alanon, and AA-"How important is it?" Frankly it is not that important this is not my long term career but I have a hard time being a "robot" and not using my brain. I have a hard time being told that my input is not important (especially when I know that things can be done more efficiently) . I have had enough experience in letting go and not being controlling. I have had enough of hard times...Maybe I just have to ask God to remove my shortcomings that are preventing me from getting what I want...I don't know...I am so confused and so unhappy..I hate that I have to go to this job today...But, like my son says, it is better than no job.

Mark is focused on his sobriety and I believe he will be a provider and help to this family. I know he wants this and as long as he is not drinking it will happen....

I am not a failure but I am living my life today as a failure. I must do something different. I must find my own business to start or a job that I enjoy. I know what I am good at and I know what i can do...

I will continue to pray for guidance and direction today, exercise patience, and understand that feelings are not facts. I will understand that this sadness and depression I feel is something I must move through and I pray it will go away in time..i will do my best to find the beauty in today..and I will look for opportunities to stop doing what I don't want to do and to make my life all it could and should be.

Off to teach pre-school.

Hunter