Mark's mom and dad have always been very distant from us, both geographically and emotionally. It hurts Mark a lot. His dad is a very sensitive man and has suffered, at a distance, with Mark's illness...although he does not really understand it.
I sent the following letter to them to share the joys of recovery with them. After I sent it I decided to include it in our blog. I have so many family members and people I know in recovery. I know as parents they would love to get this kind of communication.
Mark's reaction when I shared this with him was that his parents would not care, they would find fault in it as I do not mention Mark's daughters, and that they are really not interested and do not understand this disease. He said he is very hardened to them and that they are not a part of his life or recovery.......
Hard for me to understand this as my mom has always cared so much about all of us and if she was not in advanced stages of Alzheimer's she would be so pleased. I know that other members of my family who know what we have been through would also be so happy to hear this news.
Anyway, I guess I sent the letter for me as my character and my recovery program teaches me to always do the next right thing...Sharing this is the next right thing and I would want to receive this news if it was my son and grandson and daughter in law. I do pray that this letter does brighten their days....And if they find fault in it for my not mentioning Mark's daughters or any other reason, so be it...
Most people fail to see the joy in little things and are always looking for something to complain about. The tragedy of addiction forces us to think differently and the miracle of recovery helps us to always look for the good and find happiness in the small things.
Recovery is about doing things one day at a time.. Starting here with our little family is the first step...Recovery with Mark's estranged daughters will take a lot more time...it will happen in time but can not be rushed.
I hope all who read this enjoy this letter and get a better understanding of the joys of recovery as a family.
Dear Mum and Dad,
How are things? How is Scott? I hear you are going to be great grandparents soon...Unbelievable. Lot's of special good things happening here.
Mark in recovery-finally. Everyday getting better, not easy, but 1000 times better than ever. We celebrated our 9th Wedding Anniversary this week..As far as we are both concerned it was in many ways our 1st anniversary and an new beginning.
Mark just came home with a new outfit, fitness bag and baseball helmet for our son. I am crying with happiness as Mark has never in 9 years been there for him like he is now or taken an active interest in his sporting activities. It is so wonderful to see Mark excited about his son's life and activities and eager to participate. It is so important to our son's motivation for his dad to part of his sporting activities. For so many years I had to be everything to our son and it was impossible to do it all. Thank God our son now has two parents who participate in his life and development.
Last night was a very special experience for our family at synagogue. I know my mom, if she was not sick with Alzheimer's, and dad, if he was alive , would have loved to share the evening with us. I think you too would have enjoyed it. Our son led worship services with the rest of his religious school class and knew all the words to all the prayers and sang all the Hebrew songs. He stood on the steps of the bema with his entire third grade class and sang all the prayers while the cantor played the guitar and led them. Our services are -filled with song and although you are of a different faith than us, you would have really enjoyed it. We missed my mom so very much as this is something she would have loved and synagogue was always a very important part of her life. Also for me it evoked a very special childhood memory of going to synagogue with my dad. He would always hold my hand and smile at me as I sang and recited prayers with him. I did this with my our son last night, and strangely I felt my dad there with us holding my hand and smiling... Hard to believe he is gone 20 years.
During the part of the service they sang a special healing prayer and people are invited to stand and say the names of those they love in need of healing. Our son stood up and said "Grandma" Then with a tear in his eye gently whispered to me "I miss her so very much" I replied "so do I Moe....So do I.....
So wonderful to have Mark a real part of this experience not drinking and enjoying the spirituality, community, and taking pride in his son's achievements.
Our son is also getting what is called a "big brother" A high school student will be spending a few hours with him one day a week as part of a mentoring program. They spent a lot of time interviewing us and interviewing our son to learn about him and what he likes. They make an appropriate match..Our boy is really looking forward to this and we think it will be great for him.
Our son is also doing much better in school and we are working on a program of diet and self care-things in need of attention that have sadly taken a back seat during the crisis of the past few years.
Our home is getting cleaner one day at a time and Mark affectionately calls me "Martha" (as in Martha Stewart) as I have painted three of the rooms in unique and attractive finishes and spend a lot of time rearranging furniture, fixing things, and hanging pictures...Perhaps one day you will come and stay in our guest suite (I know that will won't be imminent and for that we are lucky as we have not gotten to that part of the house yet!)
Now that the drinking has stopped we are learning how to communicate with each other and understand one another better. We have a long road to continue on but one day at a time it is getting better...The first year of recovery is supposedly the toughest...What I know is that the wonderful person that Mark is, is starting to emerge again with a clear head. He has a long way to go but he is getting better one day at a time.
I hope this email brings a smile to your face and that your day is a little brighter as a result.
Love from all of us.
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