hello again from Mark

Mark alcoholic,

Been gone a while ,the problem is I just have not felt like it .

My wife is a very supportive person and none of this is her fault. The energy required to work a true program in the first 6 months is exhausting. I find myself having to work recovery the way I drank, very hard. I was in terrible trouble when I drank and I could have died. The daily grind in recovery today is actually starting to become fun .

I shared tonight, at my 3rd meeting today, how excited I am to be in my last week of 6 months this coming Saturday. I am told by my sponsor and friends in AA that I am a miracle. Great for my ego! But lets keep this real. This disease will kill me if I don't treat it daily. At that same meeting I shared at, a guy who had 24 years was three days back from a run that ended with him in a jail cell !

You may wonder why I have not blogged? My wife pushes me to blog and I feel I need some time in recovery to reflect on where I am in my life and where I am going. This is a new way of living. I truly believe I am learning to live again and that's tough.

The daily reprieve from alcohol is contingent on my spiritual condition and I will only get out of my recovery what I put in. I am a very complex human and I mean complexity. I have had many journeys in my life and have achieved great things and I have lost much. But I would not trade my sobriety for anything. It is very hard to explain to non alcoholics the emotions, the struggles, the memories, the pain, the acting out...I believe we truly are like newborn babies .

I am about to read a book called "King Baby". Apparently, a friend tells me, it is about guys like me. I will let you know. I think blogginh is good for me when I do it and I want to be really honest when I do but for now I will just add there are two sides to every story.

I have not got a clue why this wonderful women has stayed with me. It truly is unbelievable. I know so many guys in AA who's marriages fell apart in recovery...this is really a question I cant answer .

I guess when I don't put alcohol in my body I am an OK guy. You know when I met my wife 10 years ago at a bar she drank along with me, not hard but we drank together every day. I guess she does not have the problem that I progressed into. At that time I was a very interesting character. Most alcoholics are actors on a stage and of course when we are in drink we get more gregarious and become interesting in the beginning until we have that one too many.

I can think of tons of times when I enjoyed the drinking over the years but as I look back, look back not stare, I am told I can see that as I came to America in 1996 it was the beginning of a slow slide into the depths of full blown alcoholism. Yes I blame the Americas!

Seriously, I have been trying to figure out how it happened to me but my sponsor tells me not to bother. People that analyze alcoholism will never really find out the problem. I can list hundred of reasons why I became an alcoholic: Childhood, parents, brothers, kids, wives, work, genes, culture....The list can go on and on. As my sponsor tells me it is what it is and I think that is how I will get better. The future holds great things for me. As the big book says, our future has much in store as long as you stay away from that first drink.

I think as a recovering alcoholic that I must work much harder on honesty, responsible living and anger. When I blog I do not get into the financial hardship drinking has caused us as my wife does. There is a reason for this. I have always believed in myself even when I was active and in early recovery slipping and sliding I knew I could do this! I will be honest and tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever done and knowing my history, having had a very successful business, and my character I know we will be OK. There are certain things I cannot mention in the blog to do with my past at least not today. Hunter knows what it is, no more secrets, it is financial and I cannot go into it.

If I was talking to an active alcoholic who was struggling, as I was, I would not ram AA down their throat. Drinkers like me need to be ready. I would tell the active alcoholic to try AA and if you want to keep drinking go ahead, all us alcoholics have our own bottoms. I look forward to being a sponsor one day. It pains me to see people struggle but the truth is this is a gift and it is for those that want it not those that need it. If it was for those that need it we would fill football stadiums!

The problem with AA for a newcomer is it can be very overwhelming. Do I share? What are the steps and slogans all about? The Big Book, How Bill Sees It, Sponsors, not drinking for the rest of your life, learning to live again, commitments, one day at a time, rehabs, 90 meetings in 90 days and other slogans....it really is a lot bearing in mind the alcoholic is probably sitting in his or her first meeting still with alcohol in the blood, embarrassed, lonely and scared, shaking, craving a drink to calm the nerves...it all adds up to be too much.

I know for me I just kept showing up, drunk or not. I just kept coming. I kept reminding myself to remember that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking . If you want a new way of living you must go to any length to get sober. Nothing but NOTHING can come before your recovery. and that's where I see my wife as a true miracle. I do not know any women who would put up with me. I have put her through hell and I sometimes still do. I don't mean to and I must work on this part of my journey. I don't want to be a dry drunk whatever that is ?

OK we have a big storm coming in and I need to rest. Forgive the all over the place blog I know I need to get back on track and the blogging does help me and whoever you are? We are all on a journey. Let's keep at it. We are all worth a better way of life! I pray you are safe and well and I look forward to catching up with more details tomorrow .

With love and prayers .

Mark alcoholic.