Mark Alcoholic,
I hate waiting for things to get better and being patient! I guess today is a bad day. The weather is turning nasty and I am very down. Doing all the right things not drinking,talking to my sponsor and other AAs just kind of fed up nothing going Mark's way.
I have so much pent up anger inside me and I just hate myself. Nothing is going the way I want. This disease in recovery is not just not drinking, there are years of mess to fix and today I can't fix it. So I have to let go.
I did speak with my daughter today who I thought had stopped talking to me but she has been busy. I always think the worst and I must try to stop that.
My wife has a big interview tomorrow, the car is going in for service, and everything is just too much for me. I am already starting to figure out how to deal with my wife when she starts to blame me for maybe not getting the job and what I should be doing is working on how to help her focus with positive energy.
I do have a great wife whom I love dearly but I must say she is always reminding me of the damage I did and I don't know if it will ever stop. I know what I did and that's why I go to my meetings. I guess I have to hope that will change in time. I don't blame her one bit but it is very hard to be reminded every day of what an asshole I know I became when I know!
Recovery is hard work I know if I stick with it (do I have a choice)? things will eventually get better but it is hard. Meetings day in day out, lack of self esteem, embarrassed, lonely and totally fed up. You see I live in a very wealthy town and I am not wealthy today. I have been and will be again even if it is not as before. BUT I must not let anything get in front of my sobriety or I am done for. I hope and pray Hunter gets that. I really don't want to go through another recovery!
I must start a gratitude list. It is very hard when you partner says it would be nice to do nice things. We have a beach, bikes, a great dog, a nice home, our health, and each other. Yes things should be better and at 47 years old I am not happy living with money issues, in debt, and unable to pay the bills.
I have the power to change that and take care of my family. I have choices and I have a future if I don't drink. I want this I feel better now I have written to an unknown group of friends.
I guess life goes on with me or not, I want to be a player in the game but I can only play sober.
More later.
Thanks .
Grumpy.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Mark, thanks so much for sharing.
I remember telling my husband when I first found out about his addiction that I was going to be angry at him and I was going to say hurtful things to him and I was going to remind him of the hurt he had done to me. And I couldn't say how long I would do these things, only that I knew I would because I had to work through that deep hurt. It is much better for us now, but it does take time.
I know Hunter is working her recovery as you are working yours and she will find forgiveness and acceptance, as you will find serenity and strength, through your program and your higher power.
In the meantime, one day at a time. Best to you in recovery!
Post a Comment