Where am I Today

Hunter here-

I don't really know where I am today. I know that I still have enormous financial pressure and that our family today is living way beyond our means. We are living where I want to live-in an amazing community in an incredible school system we just need to be able to afford it before we lose it. We have lost so much, I pray we don't lose this.

Yesterday I interviewed for a job opportunity that would be so gratifying, interesting, challenging, fun, and also pay our basic bills. I did the best I could during my phone interview with HR and all I can do now is pray I go the next level. I have gone to the next level with many wonderful opportunities recently and then.....someone else has been chosen.

It is so frustrating to me to be so very talented in sales, fund raising, community relations, business development, strategic thinking, new product development, and managing of others and not be given the opportunity to utilize these skills. I wish I had a vision for my own business as I could thrive but for today I really need the steady cash flow of a job.

This is so not where I thought I would be at age 46 and so not where any of my friends are-all are very successful in their careers and live in the upper echelon of society. They are not in the Forbes 100 but are comfortable enough to live well, vacation well, give their kids all they could possibly need and want, pay their bills, maintain their credit rating, and give money away to those less fortunate. It would be so great to be in this position and so frustrating to me that I have been in this position before and lost it. How do I get it back?

It is also frustrating to me that I am a beautiful and very sexy woman who has completely let herself go. My body aches and is full of fat cells. How could I have done this to myself????? Yesterday at my son's baseball game I observed how men interacted with a very skinny and pretty girlfriend of mine. It was definitely not the same as how they interact with me. Not that they are mean to me, it is just different. When one is overweight it is kind of like being invisible.....I guess the hell I have lived in over the past decade has made me want to be invisible...OR...has it been the past decade? Maybe I have wanted to be invisible most of my life??? I really don't know but as I look back on things I realize that today I am the best person I have ever been.

When I interviewed for this job opportunity yesterday I was asked very standard "tell me about" type questions. One of the questions was what did I value most in co-workers and relationships..The answer was simple-I value honesty and people who do what they say they are going to do, including showing up! It is amazing how simple these values are and how frequently they are not adhered to. I was also asked about my management style. This answer was simple for me as well: "Set clear goals and standards of what is expected, learn about the people you are working with and allow them to reach these goals using their unique talents and skill sets. Do not micro-manage and be confident that as they grow and thrive so will you-the more you give away, the more you get...let them work from home if they need to or take time off in middle of the day to go to their kids recital or sports events and trust that they will take care of what they need to do...If the expectations are clear , so should the consequences of not achieving their goals.....SO I ask you...why am I not given the chance to thrive professionally and help others?

Another one of the questions I was asked made me think of my current boss, whom I like, but is a micro manager. If I write a document she spends 2 hours reviewing it and changes one word to make it her own and requests we use that; she sends out reports I write and spend hours on under her name; and she does not allow me to communicate with the clients.....I have to practice my alanon program everyday in this job and say to myself all the time "how important is it" and let it go. I am a work horse.. I have completed in 6 months double what the average person has and always do above and beyond what is asked...By doing above and beyond I am confronted by her and encouraged to aspire to mediocrity! It boggles my mind...and it boggles my mind that I have encountered this in other postions with people who are clock watchers and focussed more on watching the clock rather than on achieving set goals and objectives...as a result of their management they build teams that aspire to mediocrity who do only what is asked and not a bit more. AND it frustrates me that I have to conform to this sometimes...BUt it is all part of doing the next right thing. However, I will alwyas do more than asked as that is my nature.

Anyway, I am just climbing out of the abyss that alcoholism, combined with loss of my mom as I know her, and all the chaos that ensues. It is painful to think about my life a year ago. I recall I was called "calamity Jane" by a former employer before he fired me and that it was basically impossible for me to function. I recall having our home burglarized and finding out from the police that the sole suspect was my estranged husband, a tree falling on my son's playground and destroying the entire set-thankfully he was not outside when it happened, things breaking in the house and having no money to fix them and no help, missing my mommy and being unable to talk to her as her alzheimers took away her memory, and things falling apart wherever I turned.

I AM SO GLAD THINGS ARE SO MUCH BETTER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

As Mark's mind is becoming clearer, so is mine and so is my home. I am just beginning to experience a peaceful happy home that I have always dreamed of and I am grateful for this...I guess I am also just beginning to experience and understand me as an independent person and not someone that needs to be and someone who has a lot to offer to others. I am just beginning to feel an inner peace that radiates to others.....

I guess all else will fall into place....on God's time. I just have to keep doing the next right thing.

Today I am grateful for a beautiful healthy child who brightens my life more than I could ever have imagined, I am grateful for Mark's sobriety and commitment to it as all of our lives are better as a result and the man I fell in love with is starting to emerge, and I am grateful that I am just starting to see me. I must start taking care of myself and get off this excess weight. Thousands of people have done this there is no reason I can't. Like Mark with alcohol, losing weight and staying committed to it will be very hard for me as I have battled with my weight all my life...But I guess that is the key word "battled" It is time to stop battling and to let go. I must surrender to God and make my personal health (this includes maintaining a healthy body weight) a priority.

Today I am ready to surrender and do the next right thing.

Hunter.