MEETINGS AS DAILY MEDICINE: THE FAMILY PERSPECTIVE

Good Morning,

Usual morning routine. My husband brought me coffee in bed and made our son his favorite breakfast. He then left for his AA meeting and I sat down to write today's blog. I am feeling very proud of Mark this morning as he said to me he had to get to his meeting as he is having terrible thoughts about drinking-he is close to completing 90 days for the first time. He is not going to slip but his disease does not want him to succeed.

My alanon program teaches me to keep the focus on myself. I am working on this. But marriage and family is very important to me. We have a beautiful son who needs us both and is doing so much better in so many ways as a direct result of our recovery and our staying together. We have chosen to work as a family to recover from addiction and we do not want to live without Mark. After hitting bottom as a family in 2006 we all know that he can not be a part of our lives if he gives into his disease. So, I am proud of him everytime he goes to a meeting and works his program. I am delighted that his AA program and the stories he hears consume his thoughts and that he knows the importance of his program. I am also grateful that he has a wonderful sponsor and some incredible co-sponsors/friends that guide him through his recovery.

Last night our 8 year old asked me why we moved out of the house last year and stayed in different places. It is upsetting to me that he and I ever had to go through that but we did. I gently reminded him of the monster that takes possession of his dad when he drinks. My son replied "oh ya...I don't want him to drink ever again." You see one thing I have always done, no matter what, is encouraged our son to love his dad and see the good. There is so much good now that he is not drinking AND working his AA program and steps diligently.

I keep praying and letting G-d know how grateful I am everyday for the sobriety in our home. Our life is still full of problems, the biggest being financial and the fear and anxiety about this I had yesterday has not gone away. But truly things are better one day at a time.

Alanon and AA are the same basic programs. One of the sayings for both is that when you get better the people around you get better. I am a much better person now than 2 years ago when I came into the Alanon rooms. Our life did not change until I did. My husband often reminds me that I am a different person now. He is now changing and our life is getting even better.

I can be labeled by some as Co-Dependent. This is probably true. But I am OK with this today as it is more of an interdependence that is starting to develop. I am still full of a lot of doubts and anxiety in our relationship-mostly revolving around honesty and trust. These are two things that are crucial to any good relationship. AA and Alanon will not teach us how to build our relationship but they have helped us both learn to communicate better. We are starting to set healthy boundaries, which can only be done when there is no substance abuse.

My sponsor told me yesterday that just because an alcoholic stops drinking they do not stop lying. this is a tough pill for me to swallow and one that I confront my husband with daily. I do believe that this is true in many ways. I also believe that working the AA program 10000% will help change this character defect AND that with solid program on both sides, and lack of substance abuse, healthy channels of communications are opening more and more each day.

Every relationship takes work. I am so very grateful that this horrible addiction/disease is getting the treatment it needs and that we have a chance to get to know each other and become a tight knit family unit....You see we are all really very much alone. His family in the UK has nothing to do with us and my family in the U.S. is spread out and dysfunctional. My father is dead, my mother has advanced Alzheimer's, one of my sisters who is so very special to me is married to a very difficult man who hates me and does not allow me in their house, and my other sister has her own issues and can not be there for us. No one has come to our home since we moved here 2 years ago and as much as we would love to have a family holiday in our home, no one would come if we did. In fact, every holiday I wonder who will take us in or if we will be alone just us three. I will say that my uncle remarried a wonderful lady several years ago. As my mom's disease advanced she became more and more a "matriarch" and backbone for our family. She has her hands full with addiction issues in my uncle's family, and issues with her own very large and wonderful Spanish family. Yet she always has time and love for everyone. I know I can always count on her and that is a good feeling. I also know that I am stronger now as a result of my Alanon work and easier to be around as a result.

Locally we are alone. Mark's disease, and mine, has pushed many away from us. Many people have seen his name in the local police blotter over the past few years and as a result distance themselves from us and do not allow their kids to come to our house for play dates. When I say my disease I am referring to how sick I became as a result of living with active alcoholism. It was not much fun to be around me during those days as I was not alive I was a "human doing not a human being". I created crisis and dysfunction wherever I went-not intentionally but things were so crazy and abusive and I could not understand it. I am so very grateful that I am better now and I do see things changing in my relationships as a result.

We don't have many friends and don't really socialize....THIS WILL ALL CHANGE ONE DAY AT A TIME, AS LONG AS HE CONTINUES TO TAKE HIS DAILY MEDICINE OF AA AND I CONTINUE TO KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME AND REMEMBER MY ALANON PROGRAM.

Please note, there are links on the blog to the official Alanon and AA sites. We will continue to post new and helpful things as they come along.

Have a great day.

Hunter