one day at a time

Good afternoon my name is still Mark and I am still an alcoholic
I am in a very dangerous position that means I have never made it to 90 days before ,the only way I can make it possible is to stay close to my program my sponsor and God.

This task to most normal people without a disease would seem simple as a chronic slipper and I have had many relapses ,believe me it is not easy ,my sponsor suggested that their is to much put on the 90 days in AA and that I should look at a 100 day a target and the 90 will fly by simple advice remember this is a simple program for complicated people.

One thing I try to remember is the nights I laid awake soaked in sweat the shakes detoxing endless times, without medication a very dangerous thing to do!.As I mentioned before I may flip around with my notes, today I am starting to see the real strain my marriage has been put under and it pains me to see my wife so sad and so hurt .

I do believe that it will get better ,the recovery rate from the early days in AA back in the 1930s has dropped from the 70% area to single digits if ,as I believe I can continue with recovery I know things at home will get better even so remember it took us many years to become as bad as I became and it will not get better over night ,the walk in the woods was many years the walk back out maybe be a little quicker but it still remains a one day at a time mission.

You will also have the opportunity to join my journey with some humor I see great joy even with all the stress in seeing my son and things getting a little calmer at home the bottom line is when the financial stuff is fixed I will still be an alcoholic. I will if I want to stay sober need to work an AA program for the rest of my life ?

I live in a town on the East coast of America and thank god the town I am in is full of AA meeting and therefor full of drunks! recovering most of us.I go to all types of meetings let me explain some of the types of meetings that I go to their are big book meetings the bible of AA, their are step meetings the 12 steps of recovery I am on step 12 now a real tough one I will explain more on the steps as I get to know you and myself better . Their are open discussion meetings or more like group therapy we call them dumping grounds their are plenty of fruit cakes in recovery!. Other meetings include speaker meetings came to believe meetings as Bill sees it our founder and others I will mention as I go.

I also receive daily thoughts from Hazelden a well known recovery foundation. I thought Today's was very good for me(If someone is going to c0ntrol me, it might as well be me).

Interesting but scary after all look where my best thinking got me! By the way the link to Hazelden to sign up is www.hazelden.org/register.

I am obviously going to protect the anonymity of my new found friends in AA and believe me there are some real characters. Us drunks are a very interesting bunch. Also remember this disease knows no boundaries; effects all walks of life; and cares not about your bank balance male or female. We have bank chairman, multi-millionaires, truckers, homeless, doctors, you name it, the disease is everywhere, the list of celebrities is endless, and politicians are numerous .

One of things I love about AA is that we forget all this when we get together we have a common bond in recovery to stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety.

Today I will go to 3 meetings. I have already done two-my home group meeting, which turned into a marriage counseling session, (remember I need to hear about alcohol and how to stay away from that first drink not some guys or women's marriage problem-they can call their shrink, marriage counsellor, or sponsor for that stuff! I have to remember for if I take the first drink all bets are off... I am done. The second meeting I attended was huge- close to 200 people... some disease ? It was a topic meeting, not great but the topic was the closing of the window of fun. When using most of us ended up drinking alone, hiding our drinking- or at least we thought we were- and isolating. Some fun that was! We ended up alone but remember in AA we are together and we recover as a group its like the flock that looses a member we must gather round and stick together when one of loses the direction. The last meeting today will be a speaker meeting at 5.30. I like speaker meetings as long as they do not turn into war stories. We all have war stories and I can match all of them. I like to hear the message of how we recover one day at a time so I will let you know later about the speaker meeting.

I remember last summer when I was away from my wife -separated. I walked into a speaker meeting in the Hampton's and looked at the speaker. My first thought was " wow is this guy shooting a movie ?". No he was an alcoholic in recovery for 18 years. Yes he was a famous actor but at that meeting he was just one of us- another bozo on the bus battling the disease of alcohol and was their to share his experience strength and hope. As it turned out he sponsored my temporary sponsor's sponsor so I got to know him well -some story!

One thing that fascinates me-they call me a newcomer , I have 86 days, and have been in AA for two years! The old timers, like my friend in my home group with 35 years of sobriety, still goes everyday....Why? He tells me he is as close to a drink as a guy with one day and he continues with meetings with the same passion he drank with. He has tremendous wisdom and is very kind to me he has never lost hope with me and in fact he is my great great grandfather sponsor as he sponsors my sponsors sponsor, confusing!

I still to this day am dealing with acceptance...me an alcoholic ? Denial is one of the most dangerous things in recovery. You see I believe one day I will be able to drink again like normal people. But it is just not possible because I don't drink like normal people do. Sometimes I wish I did but my disease just does not allow it . What I do is focus on is today. I cannot think that I will never drink again because its daunting and is a trigger to slipping so I just deal with it one day at a time you will hear me say that many times so I will apologize now.

Must go the 5.30 is calling and it is time for my AA medicine .

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference