Keeping a Marriage and Family Together in the first 90 days of Sobriety

Welcome to our family blog on addiction and recovery. The goal of this blog is to share our family's experience, one day at a time, on the road to recovery from the addict's perspective and that of the family. Recovery is a hard process for all involved, not just the addict and this blog is intended to be a forum for all families in recovery. Both my husband, the recovering addict, and me-the family member will post daily blogs reflecting on a topic for the day and our recovery as a family.

Our Background

My husband has been an active alcoholic most of his 47 years and after numeorus bouts with death, loss of financial security, a DWI, and many other things he is on the road to true recovery. He was brought up in a family and culture where drinking large amounts of alcohol was regarded as normal. To this day his famliy does not understand his disease or why he can not drink normally. Recently they asked him when he was going to start getting paid for speaking at AA meetings!!! I was brought up in a household full of love where yelling, screaming, throwing things, etc...was normal behavior-no wonder living with an active alcoholic did not seem strange to me! Our child knows more about alcoholism and addiction than he should in his young years and sadly my husbands ex-wife and daughters have also suffered greatly from this disease.

I have numerous friends, and family members, who are struggling with addiction and recovery. None of us are terminally unique. But the miracle of recovery from addiction and the road of recovery for the family is an incredible experience-and not easy.

Today Day 1 of our Blog, Day 82 of Sobriety

As I write this my husband is leaving to go an AA meeting. He is in his first 90 days of reovery (for the 7th time) BUT this time he really has a solid program and no desire to drink. As his head becomes clearer he remembers horrible things he did while active and is starting to process things... As his wife, I am the whipping post for his anxiety. My head swells with anxiety and "overload" many times as his behaviour reminds me of the drinking days. It is hard for me to "let go" of the horrible things he did while he was drinking, including robbing our house and taking family heirlooms and special posessions that can not not be replaced. I have a hard time letting go of my loss of a wonderful career that I had to give up in order to care for our child and create some kind of normalcy in his life. And now that I want to get back into the workforce I am frustrated at the lack of opportunites for me.

The good news is that we are learning new ways to communicate without screaming and yelling and the violence and abusethat was constant during the drinking days has disappeared. Our child is doing much better in school concentrating and learning, and I am finally able to enjoy making our surroundings beautiful painting, decorating, and organizing our home.

I am not going to use this blog to dwell on the horrible past we have had during the drinking years, the numerous times the police have been at our home, the loss of material possessions and professional opportunites, the involvement of domestic violence counsellors and children's protective agencies-I am going to use it to focus on the present and future: family life in recovery from addiction.

Trust and rebuilding trust is a really tough process. While I have to forgive and let go of the past, I must be guarded with my trust and I don't like this feeling. An addict's behaviour is so inconceviable. It troubles me to think about all the lies I accepted as truth and how much I allowed to be taken from me. As my husband truly works is AA program he is becoming rigorously honest, I do not trust his honesty as there is always a story as to why things don't work out as planned. When something happens that is upsetting, I fear he is going to go out and drink again. It is a fine line, like walking on eggshells and I realize that the first 90 days are critical. So I am waiting and biding my time and turn things over to God. I pray a lot that things will get better and I look for the small miracles. He will have 90 days a week from now. This is a scary process yet I see he is different now and focussed on taking care of his responsibilities and rebuilding his life.

I am grateful for the chance to rebuild our lives as a family and for the love we have for each other. In many respects living with an addict in recovery is like living with a new person, one that is actually quite likeable. It would be so much harder for us as a family if the path of addiction led us to divorce, as it does for so many families and almost did for us. Today I pray that he starts back on his career path and that I am ables to get back into the workplace in a meaningful capacity. I am frustrated that I gave up a very successful career to care for my family during the years of addiction and that I did not choose to go to school for an advanced degree. Although my years of experience and professionalism outweigh the degree, I have been out of the workplace for a few years and finging it hard to find meaningful work. BUT I no longer have to live crisis to crisis and with persistence and serenity I know all is possible.

One Day at a Time it is all getting better and I am practicing patience..It is not easy.

The biggest miracle is my husband's commitment not to drink. The knock on effect on our family is awesome. The biggest and most important knock on effect is that our child is doing better concentrating at school, happier, and is not subject to the abussive environment brought on by alcoholism and addiction. There is also strength and honesty here as we all know that reliving the past and accepting unacceptable behavior is never an option ever again. We are all learning how to set healthy boundaries and to communicate in a normal way.