The Family Perspective: Lack of Trust and Frustration

My husband left, as usual, at 7am to go to his daily AA meeting. I love his commitment to this and I recognize that meetings are his medicine. Also like most diseases recovery does not happen overnight and things do get better one day at a time. Understanding this makes me a bit calmer, but I continue to wrestle with on a daily basis with the desire to believe what my husband says and constant disappointment when things don't happen as planned. I need medication to help me stay calm and get through each day (as do many of my friends who have lived through alcoholic relationships) and everyday there are many reminders of the wreckage of the past-small and large.

Reminders can be small things like looking in the woods that abut our property and seeing old empty bottles- saw two this morning-one I put in the recycle bin and the other was stuck to the frost on the leaves so it will remain there until the spring. During the days of drinking there would be at least 10-20 of these bottles hidden in the woods, some still with wine in them and then more empty ones floating in the lake that abuts the other side of our property. There would even be open bottles in the car with an explanation from my husband saying his AA sponsor told him to keep an open bottle around at all times to remind him of the drinking days!

Gratitude and recovery is knowing that this does not happen anymore, laughing together about the bullshit excuses he had for having wine around, and being happy to see cans of diet soda laying in the woods (although I would prefer to see just nature!) . But it still feels like an arrow through my heart when I see those old bottles, still popping up. I have many friends and family who have had similar experiences. One that comes to mind is my uncle's wife, who died very young and for years and years after he death he still found bottles hidden in the craziest of places.

Reminders can be bigger things as well such as too many stories about why things don't' work out. This is happening frequently during this first 90 days. My husband informed me several months ago that he got a wonderful job that would start in February. He was supposed to be paid on the 1st of the month. It is now the 9th and he has not received the check, nor has he been to work yet. I keep hearing the check is in the mail and other stories about delays regarding this job. I can understand mishaps with initial pay checks and slow starts but you have to realize that my husband's track record when it comes to supporting his family and living responsibly is miserable (in school grade terms it would be a negative F)....and it is not just me and our son he has failed and lied to.

In the nine years we have been together he has not helped support his 2 daughters in Europe and has disappointed them and their mother more times than I can count and lied to creditors about payment. Those kids are now beautiful young women and I pray that my husband continues on his path of recovery and that he is one day able to rebuild a healthy relationship with them . This too will require honesty and his working on being responsible and trustworthy and not lying.

I was relieved that my husband had this job as it meant we would not have to sell our home and uproot our son yet again-I love the town we live in and the education he is getting. I trusted my recovering alcoholic and made decisions based on my faith in his recovery and belief that he had this job. I would be devastated if we lost our home and I had to uproot my son-the fear of this happening dominates my life everyday. I have allowed this man to rob me financially I do not know where we could live if we lost our home as it is the only asset I have left and I do not have parents who are able to help (my dad is dead and my mom has later stages of alzheimers). I listen to friends of mine volunteering to do things to save $100 so they can buy a new pair of shoes. Today $100 for me means paying my phone bill, part or my heating or electric bill. Without his job and paycheck I no longer am able to afford this house. I trusted him and I know he is not drinking. There are may more situations like this...and when he left his morning to go to his meeting he said "what does it matter I am lying to you anyway". Maybe it is because he is English and I don't understand sarcastic humor but it was not funny and frankly it could very well be the truth. We have so many financial problems and I am so frustrated that I allowed the years of financial abuse to rob me of all I had. I trusted and naively believed in the dream of marriage and trust and gave 1000%, never dreaming that the I was married to someone with a disease that turned him into a irresponsible monster. Years ago I had a wonderful career and supporting our family was something I was able to do and not worry. Today my income is below the federal poverty level and as hard as I try to find work that can pay some of our bills I can't. I keep trying to do the next right thing but it is so very hard.

My husband starts his days in a great mood and jumps out of bed, brings me coffee in bed and makes our son his favorite breakfast then leaves to go get his daily medicine at his meetings. I start my day off shaking and sad, having a good cry, taking my medication, and getting ready to go to a part time job that a monkey could do.

SO what's a girl to believe. He has spent over 40 years lying his way through life and during the past 20 years has become so good at lying that I am not sure he knows the difference between truth and reality. I also know he is a very unique and wonderful person who stands out in a crowd when he is honest, reliable, sober and focussed and someone I could not imagine being without. But he needs to stay sober in order for that person to shine through. Recovery is slowly changing this behavior one day at a time. But I want this whole person, all of him now and have a hard time understanding that it will take time for his full recovery and that I must look for the little things learn to forgive and be guarded with my trust (something I have a hard time doing). I pray for the patience to get through his and the strength to see bullshit vs reality and make plans accordingly. I am the fool who believed he was not drinking when he was and who believed his lies and I spend my days today trusting in his recovery and believing he is really telling the truth and things are just getting messed up....Seems very fishy to me that most things that have to do with money continue to get messed up and it is very hard to accept that he is being truthful. My husband has promised that he can take care of our mortgage and bills yet he has not started his job...the mortgage is in arrears. He threatens me with divorce as if this will solve our problems and make things easier...furthermore, it is not what he means. He says he called people and promises he has done things and then people call me and ask why he has not followed through.. Today, unless his promises come through as reality, we are going to lose our home. I have no credit and the only asset I had left was my home. His lies have cost me and our son so very much. I am trusting him when he does not deserve my trust. I am blind and not allowing myself to see reality, only time will tell.

As a wife and partner I am not handling his sobriety well and I am not doing a good job helping him with his recovery. I am supposed to back off, accept, and not challenge, trust, and turn things over and understand that his sobriety comes first....I can understand and appreciate the importance of sobriety as trust and acceptance that is way too tall an order for most people given the history.

Only G-d knows what will happen..so time will tell, it will be interesting to read this blog in 6 months...Will he still be searching for the paycheck and waiting for training to start????? Or will he blame me for making him lose the job. Will we be in our home or out on the street? What other excuses will there be tomorrow and Sunday....Stay tuned.

As I leave to go to work I pray today for guidance and luck and for an opportunity to put myself back on track financially in a role that is mentally stimulating and fulfilling doing something I enjoy...something close to my home, which I pray I keep, and something that allows me flexibility to truly be there for my son to watch him grow, help guide him, and enjoy him. You see my real dream was always to be a mommy. I wanted several kids and I wanted to be around to raise them and live a traditional life with my husband as the provider. I know this is old fashioned and as such I always had a career. Instead of several kids I have one awesome boy and for that I am grateful every minute of everyday. I never dreamed that the chaos of alcoholism would so horribly uproot my life and my dreams. Today I will also pray for my husband to stay sober and keep working his program as things do get better with sobriety and there are so many wonderful things about my husband that I am getting the chance to discover each day that he stays sober.

I have a very special friend of mine who has three children and a husband in recovery. She is a woman of few words but every word is wise. She has shared many thoughts with me over the past few years all of which pop into my head on a frequent basis. She has a marriage in recovery and a beautiful little family. Recently she told me that she was unable to be around me over the past year as it reminded her too much of the pain she went through and it was too difficult to go there. Our kids are close friends and I am grateful for this. I also get to see her briefly-I love the time I get to spend with her. I remember times last year wishing I had the peace and serenity in my home that she has. Today, I do have that and it is getting better everyday. That is gratitude. Focusing on me and keeping things real is how I will get through the next phase in my recovery and my families.

My husband has returned from his meeting. He is hyper as usual and rushing me to get out of the house. He said his meeting was not good. His life revolves around his meetings and what happens in these meetings. It is hard to understand that this is the most important thing for him today and as long as he continues on this path all will get better. You see alcoholics always think it is all about them. It isn't. But those of us who love them need to empathize and try to understand that if they are working their program their heads are becoming clearer from not drinking and they are being honest with themselves and open to self discovery for the first time. Remembering the things they have done (of which I only know a small portion) and learning to forgive themselves is a tall order. Learning to trust themselves, understanding their disease, and forgive themselves is a tall order. Giving them the space to do this and understanding that change and recovery is a gradual process is important to all families in recovery. At times the anger and resentment from the past gets in the way of letting them know they are loved and can be forgiven. It is important to encourage partners in recovery and to let them know you understand. I am struggling with this....stay tuned.

Hunter
( This is my pen name as anonymity is important to me and my family. It is also the name we planned for our second child who was never conceived)