Hello friends,
Addiction is a fatal disease and this past week we lost a friend, Ian R., who seemingly had it all, to it. It is not just about staying clean and sober it is about living responsibly and honestly in the real world. For those of us who do not have this disease living responsibly and honestly in the real world is not always easy...for those who are afflicted with the disease of addiction it is that much more difficlut to learn how to live in reality and not run away.
There are tons of emotions that surface as the addict becomes sober, hence the program slogan "feelings are not facts". Confronting one's past honestly and discovering all the things one lost because of addiction can make someone very angry...Learning to manage this anger and communicate is not easy.
A marriage that has survived chronic addiction is very fragile. Starting a clean slate with trust is not easy. So many things bring up memories of the past----the lying, the stealing, the manipulation, the pain, the anger, the destruction, etc.....And the alcoholic (or addict) does not want to be reminded of these things....and in truth neither do we...Yet if a marriage is to survive in recovery from this awful disease a safe place to discuss our feelings and set boundaries is important.
What is natural for most people in this situation is to run away/leave, or shut down. Mark and I have been struggling with this over the past several months. We don't really talk about things very much and don't really see each other that much. And when there are important issues to deal with he gets very angry (similar behavior to when he was active). It is a very difficult enviroment to live in and in the past I would have gotten on my pity pot and behaved like "poor me". I know realize that I do have choices and I do have control over how I behave....It takes a tremendous amount of patience to act with understanding and compassion and walk away from behavior that is abusive....however this new behavior is leading us to a place of deeper understanding, love, and compassion for each other.
I have been searching the internet and other places for information on anger in the second year of sobriety..Have found nothing. So I thought I would write my experiences, share them, and maybe get some feedback from others. Mark has rageaholic tendencies...Fortunatly he is working his program or recovery, aware of this behavior, and working on getting better at it. I personally detest this behavior...my dad, and mom to a lesser extent, were both rageaholics....I cannot stand arguing over nothing importatn, analyzing feelings and behaviors to death, screaming and overreacting. Learning to talk to one another and reason things out is much more productive an dmuch less stressful...OK once again eliciting this kind of behavior has to come from me...SO how do I handle it? I use the tools of hte program finally...I ignore rageaholic words and behavior, I walk away or busy myself with something else, I let the situtaioncalm down, and then ask "what is really going on?" Usually it leads back to the same thing-Markisangry with himself and is learning to live life on life's terms...it is easy to blame me for whatever is wrong, as that is what he did for so many years when he was drinking...and before me it was his ex wife and his family...etc.....
HOw am I handling situation differently? Here is a good example. Recently I thought Mark was lying to me about something important...I got very angry and thought through how I would tell him this. I could accuse him, I could ask him for proof he was not lying..all of this would just make him more angry and feel cornered and would not achieve my desired result..I could accept that he may be telling the truth or he may be lying and recognizethat I am powerless over this situation. I am not powerless over my behavior and I could adjust my behavior. So I prayed for guidance and the wisdom that came to me was just as I need safe place to express my feelings to Mark, he too needs a safe place to express his and recover. So I found the words to tell him that the situation that occurred brought up for me bad memories of the drinking days and htat just as he does not want to be reminded of the past, neither do I and I explained that he needs to be a better communicator about things. He too found the words to explain to me how his past keeps coming up and the pain of what he lost... He still is very vague about his feelings and thoughts and shares a lot with his sponsor...But in a marriage we need to be able to talk about things and address them openly and honestly.
It is very hard for me to have blind trust in Mark given the history, but I am moving through this and turning it over to my higher power. It is scary....but it has always worked. And there are rewards to this behavior...Yesterday Mark called me and expressed his gratitude to me in a way I never heard before and acknowledged that it must be difficult to be married to someone like him...His humility opened a door for me to say yes it is hard but I love the man I married and I am gratful that he is finding his true self one day at a time hte more and more sobriety he has, and taht I appreciate his acknoledgemnt of me.
I keep telling Mark I am his friend and not his enemy and when we feel like giving up onour marriage I reason it out with him-this is not always easy as his anger gets in the way but once we get past that (often after several very patient attempts and many deep breaths to keep me from exploding in anger) we discover that we would bring our baggage to the next relationship and until we take responsiblity for our baggage we will not get better, and as two partners with a history together who love one another helping and loving each other enough to heal and grow together rather than apart can be a wonderful experience...Hard work but wonderful, and hard work that really cannot yet be addressed fully as recovery is still too new..
So this is a tall order for someone like me who is not an addict. Why do I have to put up with this. Don't I deserve better? I have choices and I like my choice. I love my alcoholic and I am grateful everyday for his sobriety. I am happy to support his commitment to AA and recovery, even though this means that nothing comes before his sobriety.
So, what about me? I do not go to many Alanon meetings anymore. When I do I share from a new perspective. The wisdom of 12 step programs extends to all areas of our lives. What does a family in recovery in year 2 of sobriety mean to and for me? It means that I no longer live crisis to crisis and no longer spend my life managing crisies. It measns that I am free to focus on me. I did not think that I would do this without my mom in my life. But it also means that I am freer to grieve her loss and learn to make her memory a blessing and a big part of my life. I have been in dead end jobs over the past few years as I too was a victim of this horrible family disease. As I am closer to 50 than 40 and have had more than a five year gap in my field and no graduate school degree, finding a job that pays good money is tough. Mark has started a new business and my dream has always been to be in business with my husband..I got stuck in this thought and desire for a while until I realized that he is too volatile and controlling for me to work with and htat I will be involved in his business anyway. More importanty I realized that this was not the right choice for me as I need to be independent and not dependent. I need to earn enought money to be self sufficient yet have time to be a good mother and inspiration to my son, and have enought time to go the gym and take care of me...a hybrid between suburbanhousewife and professional....I truly can have it all if I make hte right choices. And Mark can help support our family and work and enjoy his work. We can truly be separate and whole and in a healthy relationshiop.
So my big news: I am enrolling in a one year program to become a certified holistic practitioner and nutritionist. I will have the tools to build my own business..and I will be able make more money day 1 than I do now working part time for someone else....
I have osteoarthritis in my knee and have been forced to start an aggressive exercise program as not to be in chronic pain....alongside of this I am becoming a good cook and were are primarily vegetarian. I have not mastered the art of losing weight and staying disciplined yet but I do see small minor changes.
And what about our son? He is struggling in school academically and socially. He has huge anger issues we are dealing with. He too is in recovery and fortunatley has wonderful support at school and a dad who one day at a time is becoming a better father. His report card was not great all average grades (most kids are above average in his school) but it was the best for him.He was disappointed yet he is lucky to have a mom and dad like us. I looked at his report card and gave him a huge hug and told him I was very proud of him as his report card reflected a lot of hard work and a lot of improvement and progress. I told him that it is good not to get all outstandings the first half of the year as it gives him something to work toward. I am close to his teacher and we work together. AND finally I have a supportive and calm home environment and a husband who is my partner in parenting.
So-I do not write as frequently as in the past but will continue to update periodically and hopefuly Mark will too. Mark has not disappeared he has just chosen not to blog, or been too busy, working other tools of recovery, or tired He is still in recovery and working all the tools of his AA program. This means as many meetings as he feels he needs to stay sober (at least one a day and lately several more), staying very close to his sponsor, reading and praying, and calling and supporting others in recovery. Would love ot hear from our friends who read our blog.
Hunter
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Sunday, December 30, 2007
It's been a year in Recovery! Happy New Year!
Hello from Hunter-It has been a crazy year but a good one. Mark received his one year coin this week and continues to work ALL the tools of the AA program and live it one day at at time. I do not attend many alanon meetings anymore but I know I have strong program. Year 2 of recovery is about ANGER..And Mark has plenty of it...He is learning to deal with it and I am learning (alanon has taught me well) to just let his anger pass and not to confront or engage. It will pass and he will realize what he did and acknowledge it....AND in time I know it will improve.Our son continues to do well and LOVES being with his dad....Life has not been without challenges....Mark lost his job-that's a long story but suffice to say that it was not his fault and he worked for a person who does not honor his word...SO, instead of falling apart we are on to the next thing, we are starting a business and Mark is vigilant about setting it up and making it work....AND as part of it he tells people he is working with he is in recovery-he is not ashamed.As for me...I have taken this year to take a deep breath and enjoy a home that is not in chaos constantly. I am starting to clear and clean closets and clutter (UGH there is sooooo much of it) and I think by next year it will be finished-I mean 2009 not 2008! But hopefully sooner. I am also seeing myself much more clearly and understanding my role in life as a caretaker of everyone else but myself. This has got to change. I can love and care for others but I must learn more about me and take care of me. I have forgotten how to do this and I plan to relearn this over the next year. Our son got an electric guitar for the holidays and loves it. He will take lessons next year..What a great way to release his energy, and not watch so much TV......I always wanted a house full of music, I am so glad he has an interest. As part of our recovery as a family Mark and I are going to go to a couples workshop in January. We have spent this year focusing on sobriety and becoming a family again. Now we have to focus on really living with sobriety and rebuilding our marriage. So there are many challenges ahead as we enter into year two of a family in recovery: me taking care of me and dealing with my many issues; Mark working on his anger; Mark and I working on our marriage; building a new business; and giving our son the family and life he deserves.....and Mark also rebuilding relationship with his daughters, which he is starting to do. I know for me all of this is easier with a sober husband who loves me and our son.Happy New Year to all.Hunter....
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Monday, November 12, 2007
Acting out and using the Tools of the program
Hello from Hunter,
As Mark gets used to working again and gets more and more sober he is starting to act out a lot. Mark is inspirational and an exceptional role model and miracle in how he has attacked his alcoholism and chosen the path of sobriety. He works all the tools of his program and this is how he is getting better one day at time...It is progress not perfection and I am glad that I have a lot of alanon in me to understand how to manage.
After returning from my trip Mark exploded at me and our son..They had such a great week together and when I came home he got angry at our son for telling me he had such a great time.. I was thrilled he had such a great time and relieved to know that I have the freedom to leave them together and not worry if our son will be OK..It is terrific...but mark got angry because he thought I would be upset.
mark gets angry at the chaos in our home and expects it all to go away immediately. He treats me sometimes like a maid and explodes at me when the house is not clean the way he wants it accusing me of doing nothing, usually when I have spent 2 hours cleaning up a messy dirty kitchen and taking care of our son...He tells me that I am boring and that he can't stand the site of me and other horrible verbally abusive things....
I ignore him as there is no way he can possibly be serious about what he says..AND when he is calmer I point out all the chaos he creates and has created and I point out all the things to him he does not do that make me nuts like washing whites with colors, leaving a swingset in our yard and not setting it up for our son, leaving bags and bags of soda cans in the yard to be returned but never returned, an much more...I remind him that I never call attention to all of this and I always look at what he does do and not aot what he does not do.
To Mark's credit, he is learning to calm down-albeit after the rage- and talk things through. He is learning to communicate with me and to listen to how I feel as well.
Last night he apologized for his behavior and had tears in his eyes....He felt so terrible for what he did....My response was not very warm....I looked at him in the eyes and said-you should feel terrible, I am glad you realize this and I appreciate your acknowledging that what you did was wrong and then I walked away.
There is NO excuse for verbal abuse...BUT I have the tools of alanon to guide me.. This is Mark's disease talking not him and as he works his tools of recovery he learns how to change his behavior one day at a time. I learn not to pay attention to the small things but to focus on the big things...The big thing is that we are finding our way through recovery and learning how to live a normal, healthy, loving life together....
Our home is a mess but nowhere near the mess it was a year ago. For this I am grateful. Our son had a sleepover party and one of his friends, who was not allowed to play at our
house a year ago because of Mark's drinking, not only came to the party but was allowed to sleep over-this was the boys first time ever sleepover! Now that is progress-not perfection.
I am grateful for our progress and feel blessed. Nothing in life easy.
Warmest.
Hunter
As Mark gets used to working again and gets more and more sober he is starting to act out a lot. Mark is inspirational and an exceptional role model and miracle in how he has attacked his alcoholism and chosen the path of sobriety. He works all the tools of his program and this is how he is getting better one day at time...It is progress not perfection and I am glad that I have a lot of alanon in me to understand how to manage.
After returning from my trip Mark exploded at me and our son..They had such a great week together and when I came home he got angry at our son for telling me he had such a great time.. I was thrilled he had such a great time and relieved to know that I have the freedom to leave them together and not worry if our son will be OK..It is terrific...but mark got angry because he thought I would be upset.
mark gets angry at the chaos in our home and expects it all to go away immediately. He treats me sometimes like a maid and explodes at me when the house is not clean the way he wants it accusing me of doing nothing, usually when I have spent 2 hours cleaning up a messy dirty kitchen and taking care of our son...He tells me that I am boring and that he can't stand the site of me and other horrible verbally abusive things....
I ignore him as there is no way he can possibly be serious about what he says..AND when he is calmer I point out all the chaos he creates and has created and I point out all the things to him he does not do that make me nuts like washing whites with colors, leaving a swingset in our yard and not setting it up for our son, leaving bags and bags of soda cans in the yard to be returned but never returned, an much more...I remind him that I never call attention to all of this and I always look at what he does do and not aot what he does not do.
To Mark's credit, he is learning to calm down-albeit after the rage- and talk things through. He is learning to communicate with me and to listen to how I feel as well.
Last night he apologized for his behavior and had tears in his eyes....He felt so terrible for what he did....My response was not very warm....I looked at him in the eyes and said-you should feel terrible, I am glad you realize this and I appreciate your acknowledging that what you did was wrong and then I walked away.
There is NO excuse for verbal abuse...BUT I have the tools of alanon to guide me.. This is Mark's disease talking not him and as he works his tools of recovery he learns how to change his behavior one day at a time. I learn not to pay attention to the small things but to focus on the big things...The big thing is that we are finding our way through recovery and learning how to live a normal, healthy, loving life together....
Our home is a mess but nowhere near the mess it was a year ago. For this I am grateful. Our son had a sleepover party and one of his friends, who was not allowed to play at our
house a year ago because of Mark's drinking, not only came to the party but was allowed to sleep over-this was the boys first time ever sleepover! Now that is progress-not perfection.I am grateful for our progress and feel blessed. Nothing in life easy.
Warmest.
Hunter
Saturday, November 10, 2007
I'M BACK
Hello from Hunter,
What a wonderful week I had at Kripalu. It is an amazing place and I highly recommend it. This week was a win, win, win. I had a life transforming experience, our son and my husband bonded with nothing for me to worry about, and we will all be better for it. I will share more later but I have an awful headache....In short, I have a lot of inspiration from my husband's recovery to move forward with mine...It will take a lot of hard work but i am going to do it. My son has noticed subtle changes and in his infinite wisdom said "wow, yhou have come back a different person and in many ways I think you are going to be an even better mom!" As for Mark I am sure he is glad I am back as he missed too many AA meetings when I was gone and really needed to get to one.
More later..AND thanks for your comments.
Hunter
What a wonderful week I had at Kripalu. It is an amazing place and I highly recommend it. This week was a win, win, win. I had a life transforming experience, our son and my husband bonded with nothing for me to worry about, and we will all be better for it. I will share more later but I have an awful headache....In short, I have a lot of inspiration from my husband's recovery to move forward with mine...It will take a lot of hard work but i am going to do it. My son has noticed subtle changes and in his infinite wisdom said "wow, yhou have come back a different person and in many ways I think you are going to be an even better mom!" As for Mark I am sure he is glad I am back as he missed too many AA meetings when I was gone and really needed to get to one.
More later..AND thanks for your comments.
Hunter
Sunday, November 4, 2007
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE MANAGING CRISIS
Hello from Hunter,
This is will be my last blog for week as I am going away, by myself, to a yoga retreat. It is the first time in over 2 years I have left our son alone with Mark, and it is the first time in over 5 years I have done something for myself. This should be an amazing journey for me and the beginning of taking my life back.
Our home is still in chaos physically. Everyplace I turn there is clutter and mess. BUT our home is no longer in chaos emotionally. Mark is a miracle everyday. He is becoming more and more articulate about his feelings, working hard, and asking for what he needs-apparently I do not hug him enough...AND as long as he continues to not drink, rigorously work his AA program, go to meetings, and work with his sponsor, I will hug him as much as he wants and needs and proably more. We are blessed and I am so very happy and proud of him.
The mess in the home pisses Mark off. Me too!!!!!! I have lived with managing the chaos of alcoholism for so many years that taking care of all of this was way too much to handle. AND whenever I cleared it in the past, it was destroyed by the animal possessing my husbsand when he drank. Now, one day at a time, in the peace of sobriety, I/we can tackle this chaos one day at time.
Believe it or not, it is a loss to not manage chaos anymore. It sounds silly by the mind says -oh my god what do I do now I don't know what to do but I do know where to start. There is much rebuilding to do-helping our child get up to speed in school as he lost over a year of learning during the worst of times as he was unavailable for learning and also he developed some poor personal habits-because of the crisis I have been an enabler for him and now must teach him with love to take care of himself. We must rebuild our marriage and build a life, for the first time, together based in knowledge of self, taking care of ourselves, leaving the past behind, and bringing our best selves to each other and this family; and then there is the clearing of clutter and organization in the home....
It will all fall into place, one day at at time..It is actually. And this week will be incredible. I will be taking care of me for the first time in a long time and frankly that is what I need to do in order to continue to grow and rebuild/build my little family. Mark and Moe will bond and Mark will be responsible and reliable and sober for the first time in years. I will have peace of mind that all is OK and when I return we will all be better, stronger, and happier and we will move tothe next phase of our live as a family in recovery.
Also, I am a huge believer in the power of prayer. All of you who read this blog, and those who comment, have been sending our family prayers as you read this and think of us. Our life is getting better everyday, and all of you have had something to do with that. Thank you so very much and we send those prayers back at you.
I guess when I return I will be using the word Namiste more. So Namiste, have a good week and perhaps Mark will blog in my absence.
Namiste-
Hunter
This is will be my last blog for week as I am going away, by myself, to a yoga retreat. It is the first time in over 2 years I have left our son alone with Mark, and it is the first time in over 5 years I have done something for myself. This should be an amazing journey for me and the beginning of taking my life back.
Our home is still in chaos physically. Everyplace I turn there is clutter and mess. BUT our home is no longer in chaos emotionally. Mark is a miracle everyday. He is becoming more and more articulate about his feelings, working hard, and asking for what he needs-apparently I do not hug him enough...AND as long as he continues to not drink, rigorously work his AA program, go to meetings, and work with his sponsor, I will hug him as much as he wants and needs and proably more. We are blessed and I am so very happy and proud of him.
The mess in the home pisses Mark off. Me too!!!!!! I have lived with managing the chaos of alcoholism for so many years that taking care of all of this was way too much to handle. AND whenever I cleared it in the past, it was destroyed by the animal possessing my husbsand when he drank. Now, one day at a time, in the peace of sobriety, I/we can tackle this chaos one day at time.
Believe it or not, it is a loss to not manage chaos anymore. It sounds silly by the mind says -oh my god what do I do now I don't know what to do but I do know where to start. There is much rebuilding to do-helping our child get up to speed in school as he lost over a year of learning during the worst of times as he was unavailable for learning and also he developed some poor personal habits-because of the crisis I have been an enabler for him and now must teach him with love to take care of himself. We must rebuild our marriage and build a life, for the first time, together based in knowledge of self, taking care of ourselves, leaving the past behind, and bringing our best selves to each other and this family; and then there is the clearing of clutter and organization in the home....
It will all fall into place, one day at at time..It is actually. And this week will be incredible. I will be taking care of me for the first time in a long time and frankly that is what I need to do in order to continue to grow and rebuild/build my little family. Mark and Moe will bond and Mark will be responsible and reliable and sober for the first time in years. I will have peace of mind that all is OK and when I return we will all be better, stronger, and happier and we will move tothe next phase of our live as a family in recovery.
Also, I am a huge believer in the power of prayer. All of you who read this blog, and those who comment, have been sending our family prayers as you read this and think of us. Our life is getting better everyday, and all of you have had something to do with that. Thank you so very much and we send those prayers back at you.
I guess when I return I will be using the word Namiste more. So Namiste, have a good week and perhaps Mark will blog in my absence.
Namiste-
Hunter
Thursday, November 1, 2007
HELPING OTHERS AND GOING OUTSIDE OUR COMFORT ZONE
Hello from Hunter-
I have been wreslting with how to get my spiritual community to reach out to families suffering from alcohlism or addiction. Outreach to families who have lost a loved one or to people suffering from cancer or other "recognized" illnesses is abundant but illnesses like addiction are often overlooked-people tend to run from them due ot fear or other reasons.
After a year of pushing and going outside my comfort zone to make something happen I was asked to write an article to be distributed to close to 1000 families. This was a great growth experience for me as I am learning how to tap into the leader within me and that in order to be a leader one must stand behind things that impassion them and push until something happens. Debate what will happen, listen and compromise...
Below is the article I wrote. If one family gets help as a result of it it will have made a difference.
If you read this and feel inspired by it please share it with people you know and/or act on some of the suggestions it contains.
GEMILUT CHASIDIM (BESTOWING KINDNESS)
TO FAMILIES SUFFERING FROM ADDICTION AND/OR DEPRESSION
Have you ever received a phone call from a friend or family member just at the right time-either when you were having a bad day or going through a difficult period of time? Did that phone call help make things a bit better and put a smile on your face? This simple act represents one of Judaism's most beautiful traditions: Gemilut Chasidim-"bestowing kindnesses"
Two often overlooked and misunderstood illnesses are depression and addiction. Both carry a social stigma and people who are affected by them often feel isolated and alone. Both are family diseases as the behavior of the person affected by the illness often does not resemble in any way the person we love and care about and there are losses and grief on many levels. Both contribute to isolation and feeling helpless to address the problems. Both often interfere with normal functioning and cause pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them. Both can destroy family life as well as the life of the ill person. If we know of people in this situation surely there must be some act of gemilut chasidim that we can extend to them.
Sometimes all we can do is pray. Our caring committee offers prayers. We send a beautiful handmade hamsa (healing hand) with the misheberach prayer to people we know are in need of healing and keep them close to our hearts and in our prayers. To take this a step further, if we are aware of a family or individual in this situation a call to ask how they are….is there anything we can do to help are simple acts of loving kindness we, or you, can do. You have no idea the huge difference this simple act of kindness and caring can make. We can also encourage them to contact our clergy- one of whom has training in counseling for alcoholics. They can offer spiritual guidance and direct them to therapeutic community resources.
If you know of someone who is in this situation please let your clergy know and they can contact them in a discreet and private manner. Reach out to them if you know them -- in the spirit of our tradition of gemilut chasidim -- and practice the advice that is written in the Perke Avot (the Ethics of the Fathers) which tells us to judge everyone in the scale of merit, be charitable in your assessment of their conduct, and judge not your neighbor until you have been in his situation.
Addiction and depression affect the young and the old, rich and poor, men and women. Like any challenge we may face, our chances for success are much better with the support of family and community. If you are dealing with addiction and/or depression in your home or family please ask for help.
Our house of worship is a sanctuary. It is filled with peace and unconditional love. It is a refuge and sometimes when it feels like it is too much to just get out of bed, it is a place to come to celebrate Shabbat, work on the many activities we offer, find friendship and fellowship. It is a place for young and old alike and it is always here, waiting to welcome you. You are never alone and you always have family, right here.
I have been wreslting with how to get my spiritual community to reach out to families suffering from alcohlism or addiction. Outreach to families who have lost a loved one or to people suffering from cancer or other "recognized" illnesses is abundant but illnesses like addiction are often overlooked-people tend to run from them due ot fear or other reasons.
After a year of pushing and going outside my comfort zone to make something happen I was asked to write an article to be distributed to close to 1000 families. This was a great growth experience for me as I am learning how to tap into the leader within me and that in order to be a leader one must stand behind things that impassion them and push until something happens. Debate what will happen, listen and compromise...
Below is the article I wrote. If one family gets help as a result of it it will have made a difference.
If you read this and feel inspired by it please share it with people you know and/or act on some of the suggestions it contains.
GEMILUT CHASIDIM (BESTOWING KINDNESS)
TO FAMILIES SUFFERING FROM ADDICTION AND/OR DEPRESSION
Have you ever received a phone call from a friend or family member just at the right time-either when you were having a bad day or going through a difficult period of time? Did that phone call help make things a bit better and put a smile on your face? This simple act represents one of Judaism's most beautiful traditions: Gemilut Chasidim-"bestowing kindnesses"
Two often overlooked and misunderstood illnesses are depression and addiction. Both carry a social stigma and people who are affected by them often feel isolated and alone. Both are family diseases as the behavior of the person affected by the illness often does not resemble in any way the person we love and care about and there are losses and grief on many levels. Both contribute to isolation and feeling helpless to address the problems. Both often interfere with normal functioning and cause pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them. Both can destroy family life as well as the life of the ill person. If we know of people in this situation surely there must be some act of gemilut chasidim that we can extend to them.
Sometimes all we can do is pray. Our caring committee offers prayers. We send a beautiful handmade hamsa (healing hand) with the misheberach prayer to people we know are in need of healing and keep them close to our hearts and in our prayers. To take this a step further, if we are aware of a family or individual in this situation a call to ask how they are….is there anything we can do to help are simple acts of loving kindness we, or you, can do. You have no idea the huge difference this simple act of kindness and caring can make. We can also encourage them to contact our clergy- one of whom has training in counseling for alcoholics. They can offer spiritual guidance and direct them to therapeutic community resources.
If you know of someone who is in this situation please let your clergy know and they can contact them in a discreet and private manner. Reach out to them if you know them -- in the spirit of our tradition of gemilut chasidim -- and practice the advice that is written in the Perke Avot (the Ethics of the Fathers) which tells us to judge everyone in the scale of merit, be charitable in your assessment of their conduct, and judge not your neighbor until you have been in his situation.
Addiction and depression affect the young and the old, rich and poor, men and women. Like any challenge we may face, our chances for success are much better with the support of family and community. If you are dealing with addiction and/or depression in your home or family please ask for help.
Our house of worship is a sanctuary. It is filled with peace and unconditional love. It is a refuge and sometimes when it feels like it is too much to just get out of bed, it is a place to come to celebrate Shabbat, work on the many activities we offer, find friendship and fellowship. It is a place for young and old alike and it is always here, waiting to welcome you. You are never alone and you always have family, right here.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Random thoughts on New Beginnings
Hello again from Hunter,
Some random thoughts today. My mom's passing has opened up a new vista and new beginning for me.
I have always been a emotional wreck and the passing of my mother wouldhave in the past sent me into a terrible tailspin of sadness, self pity, and depression. But my mother has an extraordinary spirit. She stayed in her earthly body until things were truly in order and I am experiencing a beautiful peace and calmness since her passing. I know that her spirit is with me and around me, and Iknow there is life beyond death. I don't know exactly what I believe it is but I know it is peaceful and full of beauty..It is in the air taht we do not see. My son says he believes that when our spiriet leaves our body it goes someplace for a while and then gets reborn by choosing a body/baby to go to. This is similar to a buddhist or other Eastern religious concept and it seems to make sense to me...Anyway, I am finding peacefulness and serenity with mom's passing.....and a lot of love.
I am getting ready to start my journey of self care and awareness. I am going to a yoga retreat for a week and getting very excited. Without sobriety in our home I never could leave and coudl not do this. This was a loving gift from my mom and sister and I am grateful and excited.
Mark and I are learning to communicate better. Mostly he i slearning to be honest with his feelings. I am grateful and proud that he is feeling htis way and look forward to a beautiful life together.
OK enought random thoughts. I have to get on with my day. HOpefully Mark can write at some point soon, it has been awhile.
Warmest,
Hunter
Some random thoughts today. My mom's passing has opened up a new vista and new beginning for me.
I have always been a emotional wreck and the passing of my mother wouldhave in the past sent me into a terrible tailspin of sadness, self pity, and depression. But my mother has an extraordinary spirit. She stayed in her earthly body until things were truly in order and I am experiencing a beautiful peace and calmness since her passing. I know that her spirit is with me and around me, and Iknow there is life beyond death. I don't know exactly what I believe it is but I know it is peaceful and full of beauty..It is in the air taht we do not see. My son says he believes that when our spiriet leaves our body it goes someplace for a while and then gets reborn by choosing a body/baby to go to. This is similar to a buddhist or other Eastern religious concept and it seems to make sense to me...Anyway, I am finding peacefulness and serenity with mom's passing.....and a lot of love.
I am getting ready to start my journey of self care and awareness. I am going to a yoga retreat for a week and getting very excited. Without sobriety in our home I never could leave and coudl not do this. This was a loving gift from my mom and sister and I am grateful and excited.
Mark and I are learning to communicate better. Mostly he i slearning to be honest with his feelings. I am grateful and proud that he is feeling htis way and look forward to a beautiful life together.
OK enought random thoughts. I have to get on with my day. HOpefully Mark can write at some point soon, it has been awhile.
Warmest,
Hunter
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