THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A DRINK

Below are a few "tricks" of the trade an alcoholic uses to make sure he/she can stay "topped up". These are things I have learned from the alcoholic I love. I hope Mark can add a few things I forgot. For those of you who read this on a regular basis please add to the list if you can. The crazy thing about this is that my alcoholic, Mark, says none of this is unusual!!!!!! For me, and anyone I know that is not an addict and does not think like one this behavior is weird, unthinkable behavior and frankly VERY abnormal.

PLACES TO HIDE ALCOHOL AND WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A BOTTLE

Where to hide

1. In the washing machine or clothes dryer
2. In the woods
3. over the backyard fence
4. Down the street in a vacant lot
5. Under the front seat or back seat of the car
6. in the spare tire compartment of the car
7. in the garage
8. behind the television cabinet
9. under the bathroom sink
10. replace the washer fluid in your car with your substance of choice and hook up a sipping
straw to the car
11. In the storage closet
12. In the trunk of an unused car
13. In the closet
14. Empty a fire extinguisher and put the substance inside
15. In your children's baby bottles-one for the baby without alcohol and one for you with-pretend to taste it
16. Ask the bartender at your "regular" restaurant to put a glass behind the plants in the bathroom for you when you go out and not to let your family know as you are not supposed to be drinking and give him a generous tip-he will always be loyal to you and the bottle, not your family
17. In your pocket
18. Inside unpacked suitcases
19. In the spare refrigerator-if you have one
20. Under a parked car in the driveway

WHAT TO DO IF YOU RUN OUT OF THE REAL STUFF AND ARE DESPERATE

1. Drink vanilla extract
2. Drink mouthwash- Listerine can give you a nasty buzz
3. Drink cough syrup...
4. Or as I recently learned eat food cooked with alcohol

HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN PAY FOR IT?

1. Have an account at several different liquor stores, keep charging until your credit is no longer good
2. Max out your credit card and those of people in your family
3. Use the money you and your family need to pay the bills and spend it on your addiction
4. Forge checks
5. Refinance the house and hide the information from your partner and use all the money to feed your addiction
6. Sell things and hope your partner or family does not find out
7. If you can work or do odd jobs and spend every penny you make on it
8. Convince your partner that you need to move someplace else and that the house should be sold
9. Convince a friend that you are leaving a relationship and need a place to stay. See if they will also lend you some money...Then wear out your welcome by drinking all the alcohol in their house, lie about it and steal from them.
10.. Settle financial disputes by letting them put a lien on you house so that when you go to sell the house there is no asset left.
11. Make your parents and siblings feel sorry for you and get them to send money to you in secret to help you out. Never let them know that it is all for your addiction.
12. Use whatever other means you can to lie, cheat and steal with reckless disregard for those who love and trust you if and when you need to in order to make sure that you have what you need-you poison

HOW TO HIDE SMELL SO PEOPLE DON'T THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DRINKING

1. Use lots of mouthwash and if confronted say you have gingivitis and that this is the best cure
2. Chew Juicy Fruit Gum
3. Drink Vodka as it is the most odorless of the substances
4. Use a lot of cologne-especially ones with alcohol in it so you can blame the smell on the cologne
5. Brush teeth frequently

WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR DWI OR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND MANDATED TO COMPLY WITH A COURT ORDERED PROGRAM
1. Ignore the courts and go to jail (many famous people have done this like Paris Hilton)
2. Go to the court mandated programs and learn to "drink and drive responsibly" that his what they teach you and as an alcoholic that sounds like a great idea right?
3. Go to the court mandated programs and completely disregard everything they say just get it over with so that you can clear things up and go out and screw up again...
4. Drive drunk and believe you are above the law and that you are invincible...nothing will happen to you as the bottle will always be there to protect you

HOW TO PRETEND YOU ARE IN RECOVERY
1. Go to AA and show up drunk
2. Go to rehab and get drunk before you get there
3. Celebrate completion of a rehab program by having just one more drink-no one will know...but will it really be just one???????
4. Go to AA sober and then celebrate afterwards by having a drink...you did after all get to a meeting?
5. Lie whenever it suits you
6. Blame others for your addiction
7. Drive around with a half empty bottle in your car and tell your partner or others who love you that your AA sponsor told you this was a good idea so that you can always remember how close you are to the next drink!
8. AND IF YOU ARE SOBER ENOUGH TO WALK AND BE SOMEWHAT COHERENT INSIST THAT YOU HAVE NOT HAD "ONE SINGLE" DRINK..THIS IS ONE LIE THAT HAS A RING OF TRUTH AS AN ALCOHOLIC NEVER HAS JUST ONE SINGLE!

HOW THE SYSTEM FAILS

1. Insurance companies will not allow you admittance to detox if you are not legally intoxicated. Many alcoholics show up for a detox program, but have stopped drinking 24 hours prior.. When they show up they are not intoxicated and the insurance companies deny there is a problem. So the alcoholic goes out and gets blotto and then comes back...Same person as the day before and now the insurance companies will admit he has a problem.

2. Rehabs-very few take insurance. Most addicts do not have the money to go to rehab without insurance reimbursement as they have depleted all their resources...When rehabs do take insurance the insurance companies rarely pay for more than a 14 day detox program. If the insurance companies relied on the assessment of the professionals many more people would be allowed for longer more meaningful stays in rehab.

3. Courts do not understand that alcoholism is a disease. There is no literature available about AA or Alanon for the families. All violent behavior is lumped into domestic violence category and there is not recognition that in many cases the violence stops when the drinking stops. Family and children's services also don't have any understanding of alcoholism and assign case workers who are not trained in substance abuse.

4. Tolerance policy for DWI...There should be ZERO tolerance.

5. Inability to understand that the disease is cunning and baffling and a true addict will not recover until they are ready.