DETACHMENT AND ANGER

Hello from Hunter again. Detachment is a big topic for me today. I have come to understand that my year's of "keep coming" to alanon have had an effect. I naturally detach now and I am grateful for this.

What is written below is EXACTLY the reason why this blog was started. To capture those moments of recovery and hte difficulties as they happen, not upon reflection.

Mark's recovery is fraught with anger and rage. He rages at me, screams at me...it is hard to take and frankly not a lot different from the days when he was drinking...EXCEPT for one BIG thing....Usually he will apologize at some point and admit that this is not how he wants to behave.

MY behavior is also different when he rages. I do not engage and I do not take any of it seriously. I used to cower and cry and believe he meant what he was saying and get really upset. It also evoked childhood memories of my father raging and my mother raging. I grew up learning that screaming and yelling was a normal and acceptable mode of communication. It took me close to 45 years to learn that it is NOT and that there are other ways to communicate. I actively practice talking things out and strive to teach our son this kind of behavior....

As for Mark and his raging....I recognized that recovery from a horrible disease is fraught with anger. I can not engage and I can not pay attention to anything he says when he is raging as none of it is THOUGHTFUL, very little of it is HONEST, none of it is NECESSARY, and it is definitely not KIND. And as I said, he tends to apologize.

The problem for me is that the raging makes my head hurt and my hands shake...It is really hard to take and deal with. Every therapist on earth, including ones we have seen advises to walk away and calm down before talking again. He just doesn;t get it...and for me my head is exploding with pressure..,no different from a woman who is continually battered. The pressure is too hard to take and I don't have enough recovery to learn how to get rid of this...Then again I don't know how many people could handle all of this.

We have NO money except for an emergency fund I set aside which is almost depleted. Mark keeps wanting to access this fund and I refuse to allow him to access all of it. I am right and he panics....My recovery does not allow me to buy into his craziness.

I have zero respect for his grandiose statements including "you think poor you live poor", when it suits him he talks about the future and having money but when it does not suit him he talks about just being able to deal with today "Today we have no money..I can only focus on today". What a bunch of contradiction! Alcoholics are manipulative and Mark is a master of it. Then he looks over my shoulder when I am writing, which he is doing now...So I will have to stop blogging...I can't believe this person is so controlling.....So I started out writing about detachment and how great I was doing and now I getting caught up in the insanity of this stupid disease and the manipualtion and anger of a recovering alcoholic...So best I get out of the house now. But I can't because I can't move....I am paralized....The madness has gotten to me...This is the insanity of alcoholism...It is the "ism" that still exists once the alcohol is removed....IT is the gaping character defects that are still there....

I used to idolize my husband and hang on every word he said as gospel and truth and the right thing. He is a big character and a good person inside. I now realize that I can not rely on him and very little of what he says is the right thing. He is too sick and does not have enought recovery to be relied on and I can not allow him to manipulate me anymore...I have allowed this for too long...I know what the right thing to do is and I have to do it...I LOVE my husband and trust in his recovery. I trust that he can be responsible and I trust that he can be a good provider and good man.....It will all take time.....and it is not easy...I hate his rages and for me I have to learn what to do and how to manage so that I can protect myself and our son from being around it.

Today I must go to work and then must come home and get rid of the clutter in this house and get ready to sell it...Tha tis the reality today and that his the mess I have allowed.

POSTSCRIPT...After writing this I explained to Mark that verbal assaults are abusive and that it must stop. We came up with a plan..I pray it works. We really do love each otehr.