NEW BEGINNINGS

Short blog from Hunter...

I am exhausted.! But in a good way. I started a second part time job today-this one is in a field that I have wanted to explore and with a growth opportunity. Best is that the pay is 2x as much as my other part time job. Even better news is that Mark started a new job today!!!!!!!!! This is a true miracle and a milestone on our road to recovery.

I know so much is going to get better now that we are both working...And best of all we are both doing things we enjoy. Mark full time and me part time, which works well for me as I do want to have the flexibility to be there for our son.

I have also been invited to sit on a state panel to help evaluate how the state is spending its resources helping adults 18 and over with addiction programs. In a word I think money should be spent in areas that it is not at present-including training people in the courts and family services about addiction and recovery. I have many ideas and I hope that this new role will

help make a difference.

Thank you to all of you who have been sending us prayers. Please keep sending them, we are not out of the woods yet in terms of financial difficulties but we are on the right track. I also firmly believe that prayers are not answered until those who the prayers are meant for are truly open and ready to receive....It is amazing what does happen when we open ourselves to healing.

On another matter Mark and I need to work on communication. I am much further along in my 12 step recovery than Mark and am much less angry. I know when to just let things go and not take them to heart..He does not yet know how to to do this. It creates tremendous tension on a daily basis as he overreacts to everything. BUT the good thing is that we continue to talk about these things and he is aware....He is excited and nervous about his new work-I have to stay calm and help him be balanced... Luckily he is surrounded by strong program and friends in the program and his new boss is in recovery....Does not get much better than that for a new transition! God is truly looking out for us.

Until tomorrow.

Hunter

Don't Engage

Fairly uneventful weekend....except for finding out there is no money in the bank...Will have to find out what is going on Monday. This time it is not Mark's fault. Although as a recovering alcoholic he thinks everything his his fault. Mark projects a lot of his anger and bad feelings onto me and our son and acts out terribly. But as I have have said before I understand what it is...he talks about it and calms down and stops the behavior...I stand up for myself and also learn when to just not engage as it is useless and the episode is meaningless. When things calm down I discuss and slowly things are getting better. mark carries his AA big book everyplace with him. He is serious about this recovery and I am proud of him... We are enjoying more and more good family time together....All getting better one day at time..

That's it...short blog as not much to say. I hope Mark blogs soon. I know he is thinking about it.

Regards,

Hunter

Learing from our Past, Putting Things to Rest, and Moving Forward

Hello from Hunter.

The past few days have been draining. I have courageously revisited the life I have lived over the past few years - this time from a place of strength and health. Why have I revisited my past???? To help heal the 1 in 25 children under 18 (25%) who grow up in homes where there is active alcoholism or addiction.

The town I live in is rich. Rich in resources, rich in human kindness, rich in its commitment to helping people in recovery, and rich in beauty. Our son has had the benefit of an amazing school system and school psychologist who have nurtured him and given him the tools to survive and thrive in a home that was run amok from the affects of alcoholism. Our son has a mom who was not embarrassed to let the school know what was happening at home. End result-our son has a voice and knows when he is powerless and when he is not.

By way of example-Mark was having a bad day recently (this happens to all of us and more so to those in early recovery). Mark was acting up and told us that we are going to make him go out and start drinking again. I did nothing as if he chooses to do this I can not stop him and I explained this to our son. Our son looked at me and said "Mom there is something I CAN do and I am going to do it now". He stood up, went to his dad, threw his arms around his dad and told him how much he loved him, how proud of him he is and how wonderful it is that he is sober, and looked at him square in the eyes and asked him to please not drink, and to please continue his commitment to sobriety as he loves his new life and all the wonderful things that are happening now that daddy is sober. SO with that Mark, with tears in his eyes stopped acting out. And with that I became more determined to help other kids learn to manage their lives when all else seems unmanageable.

So what did I do? A friend from NACoA (National Association for Children of Alcoholics http://www.nacao.org/) came to my town and spent 2 days in meetings with me to discuss their programs and the logistics for organizing a run for the children in our town. I told my story over and over again, and even joked with her saying that I have friends in high places-police, domestic violence, DCF, Town Hall, etc...Most of the police in this town know me and my family by face and first name as they have been to our home in the past. They did comment how good it was to see me in a healthy place and that we are very lucky all worked out as it did-it is rare. At Domestic Violence Crisis Center we visited with the counsellor who placed my son and me in a shelter in the past and moderated a support group that I attended. She was shocked to see me and elated to see that my life, my marriage, and my family are happy and healthy. Rarely does she see that kind of success story and most of the time people come in crisis and disappear. BUT this was VERY draining to me at the end of each day. I had succeeded in acknowledging what I went through, shared my experience and recovery, and made a commitment to help others (steps 4-12 in action!).

I am now excited about this project I will be working on and I hope that it will open up some doors for me professionally as well. I heard one thing from the many I spoke to who were there for me in crisis and her again for me to help me help others. All of them said "Hunter, one thing at a time. You are on the right path...all will work out. And in the words of someone who was very special to me in the past "Don't worry Hunter. Life will deal you a fair hand"....I carry those words with me always and think of this person with a smile...
-Hunter

P.S. Mark and I have both not blogged in a while. A lot going on. I will encourage Mark to blog later today.

POWERLESS AND POWERFULL

Hello from Hunter. Family doing well in recovery. I am learning everyday to not react to many of mark's "isms" and he is learning how to handle himself better..All in all a miracle.

Learning the difference between being powerless and powerful is a huge part of recovery. Letting others control our behavior is giving away our power. Believing what others say or think, especially when it is unkind or hurtful, is also giving away our power. An honest personal inventory of ourselves, including identifying strength is powerful and through this exercise, and trying on new behaviours as a result we can recognize our power and be powerful. We will still always be powerless over people, places, and things, BUT we will be able to recognize when we have the ability to change a situation.

For me I have had to learn to to not be angry but calm and to speak up for myself in a factual and respectful manner when things to do not go my way. Also it means looking at situations that do not go my way and asking myself if they were truly right for me.

This has happened a lot in my job search and this week took a lot out of me as I addressed a problem I had at work and stood up for myself. My supervisor wrongfully accused me of "wasting company time". I have so many accolades from clients and have done so much above and beyond my job description that I was furious. This also was an affront to my ethics and after all I have been through with addiction in my family I know better than to waste company time and never would. So I wrote up all my accomplishments and asked that they be added to my file and resolved the situation with the head of HR and company CFO. It hen addressed some other issues I was having problems with and all were resolved in a positive way. IT took so much out of me to stand up for myself in the right way...

Again I had to stand up for myself today...This time with Mark. He behaved and spoke to me in an unkind way this morning and I reacted badly and said a lot of things that upset him. He had a terrible day as a result. When he shared this with me I apologized to him for my unkind words and let him know I understand how he felt as many times over the years he has ruined my days, and I have been immobilized and left me in tears by unkind words and actions brought on by alcoholic behavior and even today he said things that were unkind. However, I am further along in my recovery and can usually tune the unkind words out...BUT today I have had enough. I will not tolerate the unkind words I want a better life and I want our marriage to work. He says things like "I don't give a shit if we stay married". He really does not mean this and it hurts. I surely don't want to put effort into a relationship where someone feels this way and I never want to hear it from someone who is in a committed relationship with me...It is abusive....So my new behavior makes me speak up and not tolerate this behavior. Unfortunately Mark yells and I sometimes react ( I used to react all the time) and unkind words get said in between.

Tonight I am angry because we still have no money, can't pay our bills, much less afford to go to the movies or out. There is a free concert tonight under the stars with a great dance band and I wanted us all to go. I am sick of doing things alone with our son and I need to have some fun with my husband to rebuild our relationship. I am sick an tired of working, cooking dinner, watching TV, staying in, and not having the things that I spent most of my life taking for granted (housekeeper, gardener, bills that were paid, manicure and pedicures, monthly massage or facial money in the bank, good job, vacations, new clothes and shoes, trips to toysrus for our son, movies, weekly dinners out,etc...I lived a somewhat privliledged life)...I have had to give all this up and now live at teh federal poverty level-applying for food stamps and aid! I need to have some fun.....And it sucks that he cannot do this for me......I know that meetings and recovery come first, but at some point I expect him to not be so selfish...and I am speaking up. I spoke up calmly before he left to go to his evening AA meeting and shared my feelings. I said he does not like to see me upset and offered to go to a concert with me on another night. It will not be tonight and I will be upset tonight...But I really like this band and I will go with our son...same as I did last year and the year before, and the year before....I am powerless over him and powerful over me..I will go and have fun and he will know how I feel. And maybe, just maybe, he will come back from his meeting in a good mood and agree to go for a while...That would be "music" to my ears and end a tough week for me in a good way.

So I am exhaused and sad and hope to go out with my son to enjoy the music at 9pm tonight..I hope I will be able to drag myself and not get mired in laziness and self pity as I really enjoy doing this...Right now I feel like I am going to die before I have a chance to enjoy life......I am sad and pray it all gets better very soon.

On a positoive note my new friend from the NACoA is coming to town on Sunday to work with me on plannning an event to benefit children who grow up in homes with addiction...I have set up some great meetings for us for next week and hopefully this will lift my spirits as it reminds me of what I can do-something I do not get to do at my menial job and something I can not seem to get someone to pay me for...

Signed Hunter-feeling gloomy

Courage

From Hunter

On Friday's Mark runs and AA meeting in our town. I always ask him what his topic is and today he said it was going to be on today's Hazelden Thought for the Day. I read Today's thought (below) and it struck me how much courage I have needed to get through my live over the past few years.

I have used a lot of my courage to deal with an active alcoholic and most recently in the challenges I have been facing in the workplace. I have had an interested revelation over past few days-I give my power away and do not stand up for myself. In the past I was very angry so flailing about and being mad is how I handled things. Of course this is rarely effective. I then sucked up whatever people said and took it as truth. This too was rarely effective. Today I listen first and then ask myself what is right for me...what is my truth based on principles of honest and responsible living. When my truth does not match that of others I do my best to find the courage to stand up for myself.

A message I get in a lot in the workplaces is that I don't fit in. I have been grieving over this lately "what is wrong with me"...NOTHING is WRONG with ME!!!! I am looking in the wrong places and must do something different. I had a conflict with my boss who accused me of wasting company time recently. I am ans was furious as she gave me a written warning. First of all I am only a part timer. Secondly the day she gave me this warning I received praised from a client who though my work was outstanding... hardly sounds like someone who wastes company time. Message-this is the wrong culture for me and she has issues..BUT in the workplace I must learn to get along with others, just as I must in the world. This takes courage.

I have also reflected this morning on the life our son has had. I am blessed that he is happy and I am blessed that his school has given him such incredible nurturing, love, and support. I have in my mind thought through the horrors he has lived through during the active years of drinking watching his dad rage at me and at him and verbally abuse us; frequent visits to our home by the police; DCF involvement in our lives; living in a shelter with me during the worst of it (as I did not have the courage to ask my husband to leave-I left instead and moved into a shelter); inability to focus and concentrate on work in the home; a house that has been in constant state of chaos and so much more. A real nightmare. I must give myself some credit as I constantly sought help for him and myself, attended Alanon, and slowly acted in a courageous fashion...AND today I am Grateful that we no longer have this nightmare in our home and we are all together and blessed with a peaceful home.

There are many ore challenges ahead-especially financial. But all will come together. I have to have faith..And for today right now I am going to this job where I am not appreciated-I must be proactive and take control and change this situation I must do this by doing something different. This is hard but I will do my best and be COURAGEOUS and PATIENT....even thought my patience is wearing thin.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:Courage and PatienceCourage is not grim determination, boastful arrogance, or uncontrolled aggression. True courage comes from quiet conviction, which shows itself in self-control, calm assurance, and patient persistence.It takes courage, for example, to resist lashing back at others who hurt or offend us. It takes courage to endure the consequences of our attitudes, actions, and neglects without bragging or complaining. It takes courage to believe no situation or person is hopeless. It takes courage to remain optimistic about life when nothing seems to turn out right. It takes courage to maintain our enthusiasm and effort despite delays and setbacks. It takes courage to do the things we know are right in spite of our fears of rejection or inadequacy. And it takes courage to refrain from taking over a loved one's responsibilities when he or she is failing to meet them.Today, I will face life with courage. I will respond calmly and confidently to life's challenges. I will place my faith and trust in God and the principles I am learning in this philosophy of living.

ups and downs

Mark Alcoholic,




I must say I am going to blog more. Getting out my feelings is good for me and its a lot better than $150 and hour for a therapist! You know that AA is an amazing gift. You really can go to a meeting and listen or share. To be in a room, lunch today 120 people, all who understand each other it really is something. I can't believe I used to hate it...an amazing turn around.


I just received a ridiculous e-mail birthday card from my parents and my two brothers. They are all at my father's on holiday and apparently they wish I was there with them . Well that's a crock of bull. But as I have a program I can deal with it. I guess it is still sad that families are so messed up. I don't think this has anything to do with me. I was at a meeting yesterday and a friend said Mark just take care of your stuff...they are not your problem.

As a sensitive Alcoholic these things do effect me but as my sponsor tells me this too shall pass. I have just returned from my third meeting today. I guess I am getting addicted to meetings. I don't think it will always be this way but for now I have time to do it and it really is helping.

So, tomorrow is my birthday and I feel strong. Last year on my birthday I was checking into rehab. This year it will be good to be home around my wife, son, and dog. I pray for things to get better in our life but today I must be grateful to be alive, sober, and becoming a better human being on my journey to a new life!

I wanted to share two new prayers I am using:

First The Surrender Prayer .

I surrender to you my entire life,o God.
I have made a mess of it,trying to run it myself.
You take it-the whole thing-and run it for me.
According to your will and plan.

The second is the My Design Prayer .

God my purpose is to help others.
Give me this work.
Till my life shall end .
And life
Till my work is done.

I like these and I hope you do to0.

Thanks.

Mark Alcoholic.

riding with music in nature

Mark Alcoholic ,

Sorry it has been a while. I have been very busy with meetings and recovery. I know my wife wants me to blog about all kinds of stuff but the fact is I am a very chronic relapser and I can't go back to that ever!

I was told many times that recovery is the single most important thing today in my life and that if I stay on track everything will fall into place and the promises will come true. I don't know if that's true...all I do know is I must stay strong, have faith, and trust in my sponsor and those who have gone before me. I do know I don't want the old ways back.

There is tremendous struggle in our life and I am amazed we are still married but like my wife I do believe in sickness and in health and it's about working it out. Believe me I did not plan this way of life at my age. I want to be the provider and a good man. My sponsor tells me its all about time! My wife tells me it's about time!!!!

I ride my bike to all my meetings and I really enjoy the freedom riding in the summer, the breeze, and the smells of nature...all things I never enjoyed when active ! I play my music on the ipod and I sing along. I am sure many people I ride past think I am nuts. I am just an alcoholic on a bike going to a meeting. That's all I am today and I am proud of it.

It really is a wonderful feeling being truly sober. I am much healthier and I am now back to playing tennis. The recovery process is a long one. One of our famous members shared this morning that it takes a full 7 years for the body's cells to be fully changed. This means that there will not be an alcoholic cell will be in the body after 7 years, but I will always be an alcoholic! So I am going to keep going.

Tomorrow is my birthday and on this exact day last year I was being admitted to Arms Acres Rehab for detox. Tomorrow I will be on my bike in recovery and on my way to my big book meeting. That's the promises and that's a bloody miracle.

Thanks ,

Mark Alcoholic...Don't quit before the miracle!.