Post from Hunter:
I am OK today. A co-worker of mine who did exactly the same job as me was offered an amazing full time opportunity at the company I currently work at doing a job that I would be great at. I am sad about this, especially as I really need the money. BUT I have wonderful 12 step recovery. I processed my feelings and my anger, including feeling like a total and complete LOSER! It is really hard not to be self deprecating and get down but more important is that I acknowledged my feelings and remembered that feelings are not facts and that I am not the first well qualified person to get passed over for an opportunity. I felt God's hands embracing me and letting me know that this was just not the right opportunity. I really like the person whom they offered the job to and frankly he deserves it. It probably was not the right opportunity for me, I may not be ready for that kind of opportunity , my personality and appearance probably would not have worked with the team involved in it and there probably is something better for me in the offing...I am so desperate for work that I think I should be offered everything....Most good things happen to those who wait and usually not to desperate people...And for me God has always made me wait longer than most. While I am upset, I am happy for my male colleague...Notice that a man was offered this job and as I think through the company I work at men have the top jobs and women have the support jobs....Glass ceiling has not gone away! But my recovery teaches me that there is a plan and I trust it. I know that I am giving my best everyday. That is all I can do..and as my sponsor would say NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have not been to many Alanon meetings lately but after this experience I thought it would be a good idea to go and share my recovery with others and listen...I don't feel the need to go to a lot of meetings and I know that is OK. Many would give different advice, including my sister, who is a therapist and in recovery for 20years. She calls me once in a blue moon and is really not a big part of my life...Last night was one of those periodic calls and it concluded with a lecture to me about not going to meetings...Recovery is the ability to let someone talk and acknowledge that you have heard them and if you do not agree don't engage simply say thank you...It took so long for me to learn this..BUT this behavior really does work. I am today emotionally healthy and I know that my inner voice is the only one I need listen to. This voice helps me to always do the next right thing and it helps me to learn to keep my mouth shut at times when I did not in the past. I always get into trouble when I do not listen to this voice.
I have been helping others recently who have posted on various alcoholism websites...I am struck by the postings from people whose alcoholic loved ones are driving cars and they are doing nothing about it. There was no metaphor intended by using the word struck but it is interesting.
ANYONE WHO KNOWINGLY ALLOWS SOMEONE TO DRIVE DRUNK IS JUST AS GUILTY AS THE DRUNK DRIVER. PLEASE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE IN THIS SITUATION STOP THE PERSON FROM DRIVING NOW, BEFORE SOMEONE'S BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in this situation during Mark's years of drinking and like most people who become crazy because of someone's alcoholism I was in denial.
When I think back on all the years I was in a car with him when he was driving drunk and all the times he drove our child in the car without me, or with me, and he was drunk, I realize how lucky we are as a family that nothing ever happened AND how increbibly sick and stupid I was for allowing this.....Note I credit good luck with nothing happening as it was far from sound judgement.
It was about a year ago today that I finally had the car keys taken away from Mark. I was unable to do this on my own-I was so very sick in the head and overwhelmed from the madness and chaos created by alcoholism in the home and by my denial and inability to accept the situation and do the next right thing. I remember being outside in a screaming match with my drunk husband and begging him not to get into the car. I remember calling my alanon sponsor to help me-she is an angel and I owe much of my recovery to her loving, kind and gentle guidance. She has never let me down or failed me and I am so lucky to have her in my life. My sponsor explained to me that I could lose everything by allowing him to drive...If he hurt or killed someone in an accident I would be liable and that I could lose my house and everything, especially since the cars are registered in my name! She told me that I would be just as guilty as my husband if anything happened and urged me to call the police to handle the matter since I was clearly in no frame of mind mentally to do the right thing....On that day my sponsor was my inner voice and I listened to EVERYTHING she said. I called the police and they were in our driveway within 5 minutes....What a horrible experience to have gone through but how right this decision was. As it turned out my husband's ability to get a license was under suspension from other traffic violations, he was visibly intoxicated and the police "guarded" our street for 24 hours to make sure he was not driving.... We bought him a bike and for 10 months he did not drive a car. He managed to continue drinking and driving but the driving was on a bike and therefore more of a danger to himself than anyone else.
PLEASE if you are reading this and are allowing an alcoholic you love to drive drunk stop it now and either take the keys away or get help taking them away before something horrible happens..Do not rely on luck..I was a very stupid woman for doing this and I am lucky nothing ever happened.!
TODAY..I am so grateful for Mark's recovery and for mine. I am not sure I would have the peace and joy I have today without Mark's sobriety and commitment to AA. I really love and need him very much and as I do not have a very close extended family, my dad is dead, and my mom no longer knows who I am because of her Alzheimer's I am so alone without him. We are helping each other grow as we both recover and it is a wonderful experience. I credit our recovery again with good luck as well as divine intervention and hard work.
So many things in our life are difficult at present I am grateful that God has given us the chance to grow together again as a family and experience all the joys as a result...Not everyone in an alcoholic situation is this lucky...BUT all can find the best "next right thing"and move forward. Learning to find our inner voice and to listen to it is key to recovery....Mine is telling me today to be grateful to to get off the computer now and get some exercise....
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
TACTICAL DEPLOYMENT BASED AROUND ALCOHOL AND CHOICES
Ok, this is definitely a weird title for a blog but it is a phrase that made both Mark and me laugh this morning. Mark went to his usual morning AA meeting and was in a bad mood when he left. He is a bit of a dry drunk these days with wild mood swings, unable to handle anything that deviates from a plan or might be a little chaotic. that is OK..he is working on his recovery so it is easy for me to use all the tools of my alanon program and let things go and "roll off my back".
I changed my morning routine with our son this morning and instead of lying in bed and reading and lounging my son and I got dressed and went for a bike ride with the dog to a nearby deli for breakfast. It felt great to get out in the fresh air.
When Mark came home from his meeting we talked for a bit and then he got into his work clothes to clean the house. He came into our office, where we write from, in his "uniform" as if to announce "look at me, I am cleaning the house, aren't I wonderful!".. I made a bit of fun of him and he got a bit sensitive an then laughed. I asked him to recall what life was like a year ago.
A year ago for me was full of fear, anxiety, panic, inability to function and having to hold it all together for our son. A year ago today Mark would show up at the house late at night and call me all sorts of horrible names, blame me for his horrible life, spit on the floor of the house, scream and yell...all the other stuff active alcoholics do. A year ago today there was no laughter, peace or serenity in my life and our son suffered terribly.
Mark's answer to where he was a year ago today was "I was somewhere trying to get sober"...When I said what was life like a year ago today, if you were here with me. Answer "tactical deployment based around alcohol!"
Today we both laughed when he said this...We laughed because life is so much better today because he is not drinking, we laughed because we are able to, we laughed because instead of just one of us (me) knowing how ridiculous that behavior is/was, now we both know this.
POWER OF CHOICE
I have recently been sucked in to some of the online chat postings on alcoholism and have felt under attack for my thoughts. People continue to argue with me about alcoholism as a disease and state that I am making alcoholism sound like rocket science. They make statments about me that are insulting to me and it is really upsetting me. I feel like responding and telling them how rude and stupid they are and that I do not appreciate name calling. But frankly what is the point. THIS last sentence is my gift of recovery. Responding to them is truly is not that important and arguing with people who are irrational is pointless. Let it go. If they are in denial it is their business, if they do not choose to accept the facts of alcoholism as a disease for whatever reason that too is their business. If they choose to call me names or make accusations that too is their choice. MY CHOICE is to engage or not engage. I HAVE POWER OVER MY CHOICE and no one elses. What is the point of engaging such negative people? My first inclination it to be confrontational and say something like how dare you speak to me like that..But why..These people mean nothing to me. These people posting in an angry accusatory way are not in recovery. It is not my place to tell them this. It is my choice to not react and it is my choice to not engage. It took me a long time to learn the power of not engaging. So much more is said by silence and so much more is achieved by asking myself first, "How important is it". Alcoholism is a disease of irrationality. It brings out all things that I find distasteful such as anger, nastiness, argumentative behavior, tension and so much more. There is nothing fun, interesting, productive, necessary, or usefule, that can dome from engaging with these people or paying attention to what they say. People who do not THINK before they speak (is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind) are frankly just not worth my time I struggle daily as part of my recovery to remember this and practice this behavior. Over the past few days, in an effort to spread the wonderful experience of strength, hope, and recovery that my husband and I are experiencing, I have been sucked into dialoging with toxic people who have not been Thoughtful with their words, Honest in their acceptance, Necessary in their words, or Kind)..I made a poor choice because I engaged and I feel hurt. I have power over this I have the power of choice to not engage. My addiction makes me want to engage. My recovery shows me the power of choice and the power of choosing not to engage.
Today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org helps me look at this in a different way:
"Make plans but don't plan results."
This is a simple phrase cautioning us against unnecessary worry and stress.If our plans involve other people, we would be wise to work joyfully toward realizing our dreams, but we should not expect or worry if others do not want the same goals. Nor should we worry if others are not as enthused about our ideas as we are. We know, by applying the Serenity Prayer, that we can only change ourselves; we cannot force changes in others.Another cause of unnecessary stress in planning results comes from our ingrained habit of regarding ourselves as inadequate. All too often, those of us who make plans give up on ourselves when we predict the outcome of our dreams on the basis of our past experiences. We falsely conclude that because we failed or felt empty in the past, we'll most certainly not succeed in the future; thus, we quit too soon and rationalize our resignation with a "Why bother to try?" attitude.TODAY I will make plans but not plan results. I will work out my plan, one day at a time, knowing that my past performance is NOT an infallible indicator of my present or future success. I will look forward with hope, not despair.
I changed my morning routine with our son this morning and instead of lying in bed and reading and lounging my son and I got dressed and went for a bike ride with the dog to a nearby deli for breakfast. It felt great to get out in the fresh air.
When Mark came home from his meeting we talked for a bit and then he got into his work clothes to clean the house. He came into our office, where we write from, in his "uniform" as if to announce "look at me, I am cleaning the house, aren't I wonderful!".. I made a bit of fun of him and he got a bit sensitive an then laughed. I asked him to recall what life was like a year ago.
A year ago for me was full of fear, anxiety, panic, inability to function and having to hold it all together for our son. A year ago today Mark would show up at the house late at night and call me all sorts of horrible names, blame me for his horrible life, spit on the floor of the house, scream and yell...all the other stuff active alcoholics do. A year ago today there was no laughter, peace or serenity in my life and our son suffered terribly.
Mark's answer to where he was a year ago today was "I was somewhere trying to get sober"...When I said what was life like a year ago today, if you were here with me. Answer "tactical deployment based around alcohol!"
Today we both laughed when he said this...We laughed because life is so much better today because he is not drinking, we laughed because we are able to, we laughed because instead of just one of us (me) knowing how ridiculous that behavior is/was, now we both know this.
POWER OF CHOICE
I have recently been sucked in to some of the online chat postings on alcoholism and have felt under attack for my thoughts. People continue to argue with me about alcoholism as a disease and state that I am making alcoholism sound like rocket science. They make statments about me that are insulting to me and it is really upsetting me. I feel like responding and telling them how rude and stupid they are and that I do not appreciate name calling. But frankly what is the point. THIS last sentence is my gift of recovery. Responding to them is truly is not that important and arguing with people who are irrational is pointless. Let it go. If they are in denial it is their business, if they do not choose to accept the facts of alcoholism as a disease for whatever reason that too is their business. If they choose to call me names or make accusations that too is their choice. MY CHOICE is to engage or not engage. I HAVE POWER OVER MY CHOICE and no one elses. What is the point of engaging such negative people? My first inclination it to be confrontational and say something like how dare you speak to me like that..But why..These people mean nothing to me. These people posting in an angry accusatory way are not in recovery. It is not my place to tell them this. It is my choice to not react and it is my choice to not engage. It took me a long time to learn the power of not engaging. So much more is said by silence and so much more is achieved by asking myself first, "How important is it". Alcoholism is a disease of irrationality. It brings out all things that I find distasteful such as anger, nastiness, argumentative behavior, tension and so much more. There is nothing fun, interesting, productive, necessary, or usefule, that can dome from engaging with these people or paying attention to what they say. People who do not THINK before they speak (is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind) are frankly just not worth my time I struggle daily as part of my recovery to remember this and practice this behavior. Over the past few days, in an effort to spread the wonderful experience of strength, hope, and recovery that my husband and I are experiencing, I have been sucked into dialoging with toxic people who have not been Thoughtful with their words, Honest in their acceptance, Necessary in their words, or Kind)..I made a poor choice because I engaged and I feel hurt. I have power over this I have the power of choice to not engage. My addiction makes me want to engage. My recovery shows me the power of choice and the power of choosing not to engage.
Today's thought from Hazelden www.hazelden.org helps me look at this in a different way:
"Make plans but don't plan results."
This is a simple phrase cautioning us against unnecessary worry and stress.If our plans involve other people, we would be wise to work joyfully toward realizing our dreams, but we should not expect or worry if others do not want the same goals. Nor should we worry if others are not as enthused about our ideas as we are. We know, by applying the Serenity Prayer, that we can only change ourselves; we cannot force changes in others.Another cause of unnecessary stress in planning results comes from our ingrained habit of regarding ourselves as inadequate. All too often, those of us who make plans give up on ourselves when we predict the outcome of our dreams on the basis of our past experiences. We falsely conclude that because we failed or felt empty in the past, we'll most certainly not succeed in the future; thus, we quit too soon and rationalize our resignation with a "Why bother to try?" attitude.TODAY I will make plans but not plan results. I will work out my plan, one day at a time, knowing that my past performance is NOT an infallible indicator of my present or future success. I will look forward with hope, not despair.
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