Friday, August 31, 2007

THE SINKING FEELING IN MY STOMACH UPON SEEING A POLICE CAR THIS MORNING ON MY STREET

Hello from Hunter. This morning as I took my son to the bus stop I saw a police car behind his school bus. My heart sunk through my stomach. Police cars used to be a regular fixture at our house during Mark's active days. Now, as we are clearing out the wreckage of the past and still haunted by financial problems and missed papers in the mail a police car scars the crap out of me. I never want anymore trouble-especially with the police. So when the police car went past my house and kept on moving a huge sigh of relief could be echoed by me throughout our homw.


Mark and I have both been so busy that neither of us has had time to blog. But important for quick update. Our behaviors continue to change in positive ways. Mark still acts out sometimes, especially as he is adjusting to a life transition of working-responsible living. He likes his work, does not make a lot of money but is doing something he loves...the money will come but he is not used to working and it is a transition. So, he takes his frustrations out on me-something he has been used to doing for some time during his active days and something I accepted (God knows why). Today I no longer accept verbal abuse and tirades and I have a voice to defend myself that is not shrill and shouting. It is a calm voice, one that says how I feel, one that rejects verbal abuse, and one that sets boundaries. I am proud of this. I am also grateful to see the one day at a time changes in Mark. He is becoming a better listener (not great yet) and acknowledges, upon reflection, when he has upset me, and I know is working toward getting better at expressing his feeling and identifying what they are.

I can not write more now, my eyes hurt from the computer. I am working 2 jobs and one is entirely dependent on the computer-a killer on the eyes. I have never had to work so many hours for so little money-I pray I can get back to where I was one day and do more challenging work.

Ok by for now. Very tired. Mark at a meeting toinight. I will gently remind him to blog soon. It has been a while.

4 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

It's been a crazy summer and I am behind on my blog reading, but I finally got a chance to pop back in and wanted to say I'm glad that Mark is working and that you both are continuing to grow in your recovery.

EXOZONE said...

Good to hear from you MPJ and good to have had a lazy summer. Welcome back.

Anonymous said...

I just keep telling myself "life is good". yours is getting better every time i check out your blog. be strong, be well and God bless you all.

j

joy said...

I've had a few recent interactions similar to this one, and it makes me simultaneously relieved that we're past the worst of it (for now), but really angry that his behaviors have made my mind go to that place. But yes, growing and changing, slowly...

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