I have not blogged forever ,sober 3 years now and whilst I am more than happy to be sober ,we now deal with life on life's terms .I wanted to sign in for a minute to be sure I know how to get onto this great concept that Hunter created to help other families understand and believe that there is a away out from a hopeless state of mind and body and dealing with recovering alcoholic that the miracle can happen but the work has to be done .
I will be back later ,just getting going ,I have much to discuss and hope I can with Hunter assist any one out there who truly needs to know if I can get sober and stay in my marriage any one can !!
Catch up with you all later .
Mark Alcoholic and more than glad to be above ground !!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....NO ONE ELSE WILL
There is a lot of wisdom about learning to focus on yourself as that is what the partner in recovery is doing. They take good care of themselves, and frankly they always have...When they were drinking they always made sure they did whatever it took to get one.
It is delusional to think that an alcoholic, or one in recovery, can "take care" of you. Actually it is delusional to think that anyone can. However us partners of people in recovery (or not in recovery) excel at taking care of others. I know for me it has been what I thought would complete me.
For years I "took care" of Mark and in the process I lost everything. My job, my looks, my friends, my self esteem, my body, and my soul. I also take care of our son. I just have not taken care of me. I thought that would selfish.
Taking care of me is the best thing I can do for everyone. It is where I put my intentions. When I am the best me I can be I send good energy into the universe and it flows back to me.
Addiction, loss, and illness brings a lot of toxic energy. Today I will repel toxic energy and exude a positive direction. This is not easy when in recovery as a family. However it is necessary in order to move forward.
Today my positive energy extends to an interfaith outreach program, an Internet campaign on childhood obesity, and a yoga teacher training. Although i need to lost weight and do not yet look like a yoga teacher. I intend to do this. I find that yoga is life and breath is life.
When we are born we breath in a huge breath and when we die we let out a huge breath. Everyday in between is ours to live to the fullest. That is where I am today, 3 years in recovery. I intend to live MY life and also to have LOVE in the form of HEALTHY partnership and family. It is time.
Fortunately Mark and I and our son are on the same page with this...Our son loves Bon Jovi and the song "It's My Life...it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever...I just want to live while I'm alive." Living with and through addiction is dying while you are live it is not living. Getting over the scars is not joyful. For Mark everyday he does not drink it is a gift. I respect that.
With sobriety we can actually move forward as a family. I want a deep comitted relationship. We are not there. When we are that will be my gift. Mark is working on this. I am working on building that kind of relationship with myself. I believe we will meet in the middle soon.
Namiste, Peace, Shalom....
Hunter
It is delusional to think that an alcoholic, or one in recovery, can "take care" of you. Actually it is delusional to think that anyone can. However us partners of people in recovery (or not in recovery) excel at taking care of others. I know for me it has been what I thought would complete me.
For years I "took care" of Mark and in the process I lost everything. My job, my looks, my friends, my self esteem, my body, and my soul. I also take care of our son. I just have not taken care of me. I thought that would selfish.
Taking care of me is the best thing I can do for everyone. It is where I put my intentions. When I am the best me I can be I send good energy into the universe and it flows back to me.
Addiction, loss, and illness brings a lot of toxic energy. Today I will repel toxic energy and exude a positive direction. This is not easy when in recovery as a family. However it is necessary in order to move forward.
Today my positive energy extends to an interfaith outreach program, an Internet campaign on childhood obesity, and a yoga teacher training. Although i need to lost weight and do not yet look like a yoga teacher. I intend to do this. I find that yoga is life and breath is life.
When we are born we breath in a huge breath and when we die we let out a huge breath. Everyday in between is ours to live to the fullest. That is where I am today, 3 years in recovery. I intend to live MY life and also to have LOVE in the form of HEALTHY partnership and family. It is time.
Fortunately Mark and I and our son are on the same page with this...Our son loves Bon Jovi and the song "It's My Life...it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever...I just want to live while I'm alive." Living with and through addiction is dying while you are live it is not living. Getting over the scars is not joyful. For Mark everyday he does not drink it is a gift. I respect that.
With sobriety we can actually move forward as a family. I want a deep comitted relationship. We are not there. When we are that will be my gift. Mark is working on this. I am working on building that kind of relationship with myself. I believe we will meet in the middle soon.
Hunter
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
We are back!
Notice the "we". Last evening Mark and I went to see the movie Crazy Heart where Jeff Bridges plays an alcoholic musician who recovers. It was chilling for both of us to see and after the movie mark asked about this blog. He even said he might start writing in it again....wouldn't that be cool!
We have struggled as a couple in recovery and now that Mark is 3 years sober he is in a different place. We started a therapy called EFT today and have a great male therapist. We think this will be good for us and I am happy that Mark really wants to be a good husband (he has a lot to make up for). There is hope for our relationship and we are learning new ways to communicate.
Lot's of personal growth for me which I will write about another time. SO I hope we have not lost all our readers, I hope that Mark starts writing regularly, and I hope that year three of recovery for him is also a wonderful year for this family in recovery.
Our child is doing great in school good grades, friends, and generally happy...the dog is happy...financially we are still struggling but we are rebuilding...This year should be rebirth in many ways.
Thought in closing. Our therapist said that Mark might try to use his AA principles and program and apply them outside of the program and to our marriage. Great idea, and glad it came from someone other than me...Time will tell.
Regards to all.
Hunter
We have struggled as a couple in recovery and now that Mark is 3 years sober he is in a different place. We started a therapy called EFT today and have a great male therapist. We think this will be good for us and I am happy that Mark really wants to be a good husband (he has a lot to make up for). There is hope for our relationship and we are learning new ways to communicate.
Lot's of personal growth for me which I will write about another time. SO I hope we have not lost all our readers, I hope that Mark starts writing regularly, and I hope that year three of recovery for him is also a wonderful year for this family in recovery.
Our child is doing great in school good grades, friends, and generally happy...the dog is happy...financially we are still struggling but we are rebuilding...This year should be rebirth in many ways.
Thought in closing. Our therapist said that Mark might try to use his AA principles and program and apply them outside of the program and to our marriage. Great idea, and glad it came from someone other than me...Time will tell.
Regards to all.
Hunter
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Prayers Do Work
I am praying and it seems to be getting better. I am also staying true to myself and remembering boundaries and setting them.
I always thought that boundaries were nasty, mean, and harsh...they are not..Boundaries are what make me unique and whole. Boundaries are born out of love. Love for myself. Setting healthy boundaries means that I love myself enough to protect and take care of myself..
A good friend recently said "Hunter, you are full of wisdom and you are great at any ting you put your mind to...what is stopping you".....after careful thought I realized that it is me who is stopping me....
Someone once said something that really stuck with me it was "do you love yourself enought to take care of yourself?" I am finally learning that I do.
Time for me to help me. AND when doing this all around me gets better.....
Prayers also for my friend Mary, one of hte anonymous people in and out of my life, who I saw recently...She is not doing well, but she looks great! I pray all goes well for her.
Stay tuned..I think there really may be a miracle coming this way...one for me and for my family in recovery....
I hope to share it with all of you.
I always thought that boundaries were nasty, mean, and harsh...they are not..Boundaries are what make me unique and whole. Boundaries are born out of love. Love for myself. Setting healthy boundaries means that I love myself enough to protect and take care of myself..
A good friend recently said "Hunter, you are full of wisdom and you are great at any ting you put your mind to...what is stopping you".....after careful thought I realized that it is me who is stopping me....
Someone once said something that really stuck with me it was "do you love yourself enought to take care of yourself?" I am finally learning that I do.
Time for me to help me. AND when doing this all around me gets better.....
Prayers also for my friend Mary, one of hte anonymous people in and out of my life, who I saw recently...She is not doing well, but she looks great! I pray all goes well for her.
Stay tuned..I think there really may be a miracle coming this way...one for me and for my family in recovery....
I hope to share it with all of you.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
HOLDING ON TO A DREAM THAT IS A NIGHTMARE
Hello from Hunter
Mark is 2 1/2 years sober. He is not drinking BUT his anger is out of control. It is horrible to be around someone who is angry all the time. His father's death in December really set him back. Some people are sicker than others. I truly believe that Mark is a wonderful person. However, he has massive issues surrounding money, savings, and so much more. He makes everything about him and immeditely goes to a place of anger. There is no communication. This is far from the dream of marriage that I keep holding on to. The serenity prayer says to ask for the courage to change the things you can. I am in the place I was when I had enough of he drinking. I am praying for the strength to set healthy boundaries and for the miracle of love, responsible living, passion and fun to return to my family.
Mark is 2 1/2 years sober. He is not drinking BUT his anger is out of control. It is horrible to be around someone who is angry all the time. His father's death in December really set him back. Some people are sicker than others. I truly believe that Mark is a wonderful person. However, he has massive issues surrounding money, savings, and so much more. He makes everything about him and immeditely goes to a place of anger. There is no communication. This is far from the dream of marriage that I keep holding on to. The serenity prayer says to ask for the courage to change the things you can. I am in the place I was when I had enough of he drinking. I am praying for the strength to set healthy boundaries and for the miracle of love, responsible living, passion and fun to return to my family.
Monday, February 9, 2009
STILL SOBER AND STILL TOGETHER
Hello from Hunter.
Brief post because it is late.
In a recovery program it was once said "when i got busy I got better"...Well I am sooooo busy it is nuts...There is still a lot of things unsettled in our life but things are way better than ever. now that two years has passed we are becoming a family again. Our child is doing better in school and was chosen to read a most amazing essay for D.A.R.E. class (school program about drugs and alcohol). I am going to share it here in the hopes that anyone with kids who are struggling with parents who are alcohlics can derive expereince strength and hope from this...Before i share it i will give you another quick updates...I am back in school and am becoming a holistic heatlh counsellor..I am really excited about this journey and i will be helping people in recovery with sugar cravings as well as helping people avoid illness via food and nutrition...stay tuned...it is the first time I have ever done something for myself in 10 years...ok her is our kids essay hope you enjoy it.
CHOOSE THE HARDER RIGHT OVER THE EASIER WRONG..LESSONS FROM A FIFTH GRADER
I thought that the most important Dare lesson was alcohol because someone I know is an alcoholic and it affected my family a lot. It was very important to know the other consequences that could have happened to them such as being really drowsy weak and a lot of other things. I remember the person I care about sleeping and falling down a lot. I really care about this person and am glad they do not do this anymore.
I also know a few facts about alcohol like AA meetings that help the alcoholic and when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking its called sobriety. The chemical in the drink makes an addiction that is very hard to break and that addiction can tear families apart. In fact a person can actually die from alcohol poisoning and if they are addicted can die from this if they stop without medical help.
Drinking and driving don’t mix because when you drink you feel relaxed but what’s really happening is that a chemical is going to your brain that makes you drowsy and your vision isn’t as strong so when you drive you have a really big risk of getting in a car accident and injuring or killing others who are passengers or in another car. Many times people who drink and drive get their license suspended.
People with alcoholism sometimes affect their kids so they have to be extra careful and make smart choices. When I was learning about alcohol I was thinking about the person that I care about. After my DARE class when I saw them I was crying because now that person is sober and I love them and am so grateful for their sobriety.
Alcoholism can tear a family apart because the alcoholic when active is obsessed and forgets about the family. The alcoholic spends more time with the bottle and the parents fight and sometimes divorce. It affects the kid or kids just as the parents, and often the child of an alcoholic has trouble learning at school and making friends.
If an alcoholic decides to get sober and not drink they will go to AA meetings, which stands for Alcoholics Anonymous. At these meetings they discuss their experiences with other alcoholics. The person I care about went there and made friends with everybody.
If an alcoholic has children, the kids have a danger of drinking alcoholically. If the kid or kids take the D.A.R.E. program it will teach them how to make smart choices so they don’t drink... And even if you don’t take the program be sure to make smart choices anyway!
If you have a family member that is drunk it’s okay to still love them, you just have to know that they can get dangerous, especially if they are an alcoholic. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, but according to a group called NACOA 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 lives with someone who is. If you live with an alcoholic and they are in sobriety and go to AA meetings they won’t be dangerous but they will still have a little bit of the disease in them.
However, their meetings are their medicine and because of this the alcoholic won’t let the disease consume them as it did when they were an active drunk.
People who drink under the age of 21 tend to get arrested because it is against the law for them to drink. Also they tend to have bigger problems because for the chemical in the alcohol doesn’t process as well in people under the age of 21 and it more deeply affects the younger person’s brain.
I think we all have tendencies to become alcoholic. Also no matter how old you are don’t drink too much or you might find yourself with an addiction!
The best thing to do if you don’t want the disease is to not drink at all. And for a kid like me, the best thing to do growing up is not to give in to peer pressure not to hang around with kids who drink and drug, and to always choose the harder right.
Well this concludes my essay of what I thought was the most important lesson in D.A.R.E. hope you enjoyed it. BYE.
Brief post because it is late.
In a recovery program it was once said "when i got busy I got better"...Well I am sooooo busy it is nuts...There is still a lot of things unsettled in our life but things are way better than ever. now that two years has passed we are becoming a family again. Our child is doing better in school and was chosen to read a most amazing essay for D.A.R.E. class (school program about drugs and alcohol). I am going to share it here in the hopes that anyone with kids who are struggling with parents who are alcohlics can derive expereince strength and hope from this...Before i share it i will give you another quick updates...I am back in school and am becoming a holistic heatlh counsellor..I am really excited about this journey and i will be helping people in recovery with sugar cravings as well as helping people avoid illness via food and nutrition...stay tuned...it is the first time I have ever done something for myself in 10 years...ok her is our kids essay hope you enjoy it.
CHOOSE THE HARDER RIGHT OVER THE EASIER WRONG..LESSONS FROM A FIFTH GRADER
I thought that the most important Dare lesson was alcohol because someone I know is an alcoholic and it affected my family a lot. It was very important to know the other consequences that could have happened to them such as being really drowsy weak and a lot of other things. I remember the person I care about sleeping and falling down a lot. I really care about this person and am glad they do not do this anymore.
I also know a few facts about alcohol like AA meetings that help the alcoholic and when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking its called sobriety. The chemical in the drink makes an addiction that is very hard to break and that addiction can tear families apart. In fact a person can actually die from alcohol poisoning and if they are addicted can die from this if they stop without medical help.
Drinking and driving don’t mix because when you drink you feel relaxed but what’s really happening is that a chemical is going to your brain that makes you drowsy and your vision isn’t as strong so when you drive you have a really big risk of getting in a car accident and injuring or killing others who are passengers or in another car. Many times people who drink and drive get their license suspended.
People with alcoholism sometimes affect their kids so they have to be extra careful and make smart choices. When I was learning about alcohol I was thinking about the person that I care about. After my DARE class when I saw them I was crying because now that person is sober and I love them and am so grateful for their sobriety.
Alcoholism can tear a family apart because the alcoholic when active is obsessed and forgets about the family. The alcoholic spends more time with the bottle and the parents fight and sometimes divorce. It affects the kid or kids just as the parents, and often the child of an alcoholic has trouble learning at school and making friends.
If an alcoholic decides to get sober and not drink they will go to AA meetings, which stands for Alcoholics Anonymous. At these meetings they discuss their experiences with other alcoholics. The person I care about went there and made friends with everybody.
If an alcoholic has children, the kids have a danger of drinking alcoholically. If the kid or kids take the D.A.R.E. program it will teach them how to make smart choices so they don’t drink... And even if you don’t take the program be sure to make smart choices anyway!
If you have a family member that is drunk it’s okay to still love them, you just have to know that they can get dangerous, especially if they are an alcoholic. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, but according to a group called NACOA 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 lives with someone who is. If you live with an alcoholic and they are in sobriety and go to AA meetings they won’t be dangerous but they will still have a little bit of the disease in them.
However, their meetings are their medicine and because of this the alcoholic won’t let the disease consume them as it did when they were an active drunk.
People who drink under the age of 21 tend to get arrested because it is against the law for them to drink. Also they tend to have bigger problems because for the chemical in the alcohol doesn’t process as well in people under the age of 21 and it more deeply affects the younger person’s brain.
I think we all have tendencies to become alcoholic. Also no matter how old you are don’t drink too much or you might find yourself with an addiction!
The best thing to do if you don’t want the disease is to not drink at all. And for a kid like me, the best thing to do growing up is not to give in to peer pressure not to hang around with kids who drink and drug, and to always choose the harder right.
Well this concludes my essay of what I thought was the most important lesson in D.A.R.E. hope you enjoyed it. BYE.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Been a While....Still Recovering One Day at a Time...Still Together
Hi From Hunter,
I will say that I am sad that Mark has not kept up with this blog. However, he is still sober and deeply comitted to his recovery. Mark is doing great fighing this disease and as of today he thanks God everyday for the AA program. He has been in Europe visiting his daughters and feeling lonely....He is never alone as he has the rooms of AA and people who give him love and respect in those rooms. He had a very upsetting experience yesterday-he went out to eat and ordered a ginger ale and the waiter brought him a vodka and ginger ale. He felt sick , even though he spit it right out. For him it brought up all the memories of the shakes, withdrawal, police, and destruction that alcohol brought to his life...His sponsor helped him through this by discussing his intentions with him. Mark did not intend to drink. Mark did not slip. Mark did the right thing and thank God he is still sober and not off on a bender to ruin his and our lives.
I am disappointed in myself as I am co-dependent. I would be devastated if Mark started drinking again. He and our son are my life and I really like it that way...
Our son is doing great. He continues to improve in school and he continues ot build a loving wonderful relationship with Mark. It is beautiful to see.. Of course I get the blame from our son when things go wrong and I am not as good as or as cool as dad...But frankly that is fine with me. I love that he and his dad have a good relationship today...there is much lost time there...a nd I know that I am a good mom and that our son would not be the boy he is today if I did not do a lot of hard work and seek support during the drinking years.
Mark is still very angry and it is very hard to live with this. It is also hard to deal with the fact that we have not had sex in close to a year! It hurts me terribly. I am overweight...but not for long. I have joined weight watchers and have lost 10 pounds....I have 50 more to go and then look out...If I have to wait to lose 50 pounds before he has sex with me I will be furious.....I don't think I will. I believe lack of sex drive has a lot to do with his recovery and we have discussed the issue and are working toward a solution.
Mark started therapy recently. It is the first time he has done this on his own. I am so happy he is doing this...It is good for him and good for our family. And it is great that he has done it with the guidance of his sponsor and not because of me. I pray this helps him with his anger and his issues...I really love himso much and don't want to lose him....
I am feeling very lonely in our town. Because of the disease we still do not have friends as a couple and a normal social life...I am very happy in our family life but I remain sad when I can't get playdates for our son and he feels bad and I am sad when certain friends who were there for me during the years Mark was drinking are no longer there for me or give me the cold shoulder.
I get even more furious when people don't return phone calls when I call for playdates. They figure by not calling back I will get the hint that their kid does not want to play with mine...But I don't get the hint...especially if the kids have not had a fight and have always gotten along well. Instead I htrink it is because the parents don't like me...I hate when people avoid me or my family. It is terrible communication and while they might think it is polite it is downright rude...when my son has an issue I tell people...I wish people would do the same....Even if the just called back and said """"XXX is going through a phase and for now he does not want to hav a playdate, please don'ttake it personally" OR " XXX is upset with your son because....." at least then I know what is going on....I really wish they would say that because by avoiding us my child gets upset and hurt....and I do not have the knowledgeto help him to ...Why don;t people khow how ot communicate...I had this discussion with awoman recently whose son was one of our sone's good friends. She did not return my phone call for 4 months to set up a playdate and now her kid can'tgef enough of mine.....WHen I asked her whta happened she told me that her son thought my son used too much bad language and it made him uncomfortable..Now I ask you...why didn't she tell me this so I could help my child and avoid the hurt of losing a friend/???? Things don't go away by ignoring them and no on gains by silence...UGHHHHHHHH people are so stupid sometimes....
So what did I learn from this/???THE 3 call rule. I call 3 times and if there is no return call I give up..And sadly when I give up the relationshiop ends...It kills me because our child is kind, sensistive, loving and would never harm anyone...He has such wonderful values....andthis rejectionis awful...>We used to have friends with kids his age and we used to hang out with them. Those friends moved away for careers..We stagnated,alcoholism took over our lives and we did not make new friends.....That is where we are today and now so many people have established friends it is hard to break in....so many people drink normally...and frankly mark is not ready to be social....I tell our son to hang tight and to stay busy with activities and not worry about not having play dates..I tell him to get his interaction in school and activities....and like so many things I pray that we soon develop friends with kids his age and that this all changes..and when it does they will be the right friends who will call back and who will be honest.
Today it was so hurtful for me to be near someone who went through the worst of Mark's addiction with me..Her husband is also a recovering addict....She completely snubs me and is cold when I see her....Part of this is her, but another part of it really hurts....I take these things personally.......She also did not have decency to acknowledge my mom's death....Even when I said "my mom just died" She could not say "I am sorry for your loss"....I know sometimes people don't know what to say..but I am sorry is not too difficult..Where are people's manners/??And usually these are the people who "live in glass houses".
I wish I had another child as I would love to have a big family for our son and me...But that is not the cards I was dealt in life..I was given by God a beautiful child and a chance at a beautiful family life...I am blessed for this and look forward to our life in sobriety.
What about our financial house?????Well that is not so good and I wonder if I am nuts for not having a nervous breakdown. We have tax problems and no income BUT we have started a business...actually mark has and I have decided to be part of it because it is more rewarding than working for someone else...Never the less today is a very scary time. I believe we will do well but today we are still in a difficult place. I am also starting school in January for nutrition counselling....I really believe all will be OK...and I have to keep believing this.
I am exercising again and proud of this..I have to keep it up as I love doing it, stopped for too long a time, and I did not get a good bill of health recently...Mark did! For someone who was borderline cirrhosis it is amazing that his liver is ALL CLEAN! and his cholesterol is NORMAL! WOW! Sobriety really does do wonders.
Next week is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her terribly and so does our son. She was an amazing lady. I am blessed to have had a mom that I loved who loved me so much. And I am blessed that I got so many gifts,in terms of live lessons and love, from her. I am so happy my mom knew mark and had such a loving relationship with our son. She lives with us forever!!!!!!!
We really are becoming a family more and more and more and more. I am so happy we have remained together and I pray we have a beautiful wonderful future together.
Mark has three people he sponsors and it is amazing to see how his sponsees respect him.. They would never believe he was a stumbling idiotic drunk who was abusive and horrible and destroyed so much...And frankly to see him today I am so grateful he has found recovery..He is a beautiful man and I love him so and I am so grateful that we did not have to lose our marriage and family life.
I have had a few alanon sponsees.....I find they do not stay as long as the AA sponsees to as so many of us in alanon are co-dependent and when things go well we abandon our sponsors...Never the less I reach out when I can and do what I can...and will continue to do so.
As for my sadness and disappointment with lack of friends and people in this town..,..I am happy with me and my son and my husband....I am happy with the work I do to reach out to others and I am happy keeping myself busy.......Friends will come, if they are meant to......It is in God's hands.
Regarding communication. I live with an angry man....Different from his drinking days these days he knows when his anger turns him into a jerk and he knows to back off and admit when he is wrong......It does not make it always easy but much better than during the drinking days and his awareness paves the path for us to really fall in love, the right way....Tonight he is in Europe and missing us terribly..He can't wait to come home...It is the first time in 10 years that he really knows that this is his home and that there is love and warmth waiting here for him.....Real love, which he does not really know, and trust, and a really happy and normal life...all he is finally learning about.
I pray God gives us many good years together. Our life is beginning in so many ways and while we are not yet rich financially we are rich in so many ways...Rich in a way we have not been in so very long and richer than so very many....
I am finally rediscovering much of my extended family who I have been estranged from during this 10 year nightmare...it is time to rebuild and one day at a time this is happening.
We have a difficult few months ahead financially and emotionally. Please all who read this send prayers, and healing good energy our way. I promise you that the universe will return it to you from us ten-fold and more...thank you thank you thank you....
Thanks for letting me babble...I am sorry it has been so long since I have written...There is so much more to say but this is it for now. I hope that this has given hope and healing to all of you..
Warm Regards to all.....
Hunter
I will say that I am sad that Mark has not kept up with this blog. However, he is still sober and deeply comitted to his recovery. Mark is doing great fighing this disease and as of today he thanks God everyday for the AA program. He has been in Europe visiting his daughters and feeling lonely....He is never alone as he has the rooms of AA and people who give him love and respect in those rooms. He had a very upsetting experience yesterday-he went out to eat and ordered a ginger ale and the waiter brought him a vodka and ginger ale. He felt sick , even though he spit it right out. For him it brought up all the memories of the shakes, withdrawal, police, and destruction that alcohol brought to his life...His sponsor helped him through this by discussing his intentions with him. Mark did not intend to drink. Mark did not slip. Mark did the right thing and thank God he is still sober and not off on a bender to ruin his and our lives.
I am disappointed in myself as I am co-dependent. I would be devastated if Mark started drinking again. He and our son are my life and I really like it that way...
Our son is doing great. He continues to improve in school and he continues ot build a loving wonderful relationship with Mark. It is beautiful to see.. Of course I get the blame from our son when things go wrong and I am not as good as or as cool as dad...But frankly that is fine with me. I love that he and his dad have a good relationship today...there is much lost time there...a nd I know that I am a good mom and that our son would not be the boy he is today if I did not do a lot of hard work and seek support during the drinking years.
Mark is still very angry and it is very hard to live with this. It is also hard to deal with the fact that we have not had sex in close to a year! It hurts me terribly. I am overweight...but not for long. I have joined weight watchers and have lost 10 pounds....I have 50 more to go and then look out...If I have to wait to lose 50 pounds before he has sex with me I will be furious.....I don't think I will. I believe lack of sex drive has a lot to do with his recovery and we have discussed the issue and are working toward a solution.
Mark started therapy recently. It is the first time he has done this on his own. I am so happy he is doing this...It is good for him and good for our family. And it is great that he has done it with the guidance of his sponsor and not because of me. I pray this helps him with his anger and his issues...I really love himso much and don't want to lose him....
I am feeling very lonely in our town. Because of the disease we still do not have friends as a couple and a normal social life...I am very happy in our family life but I remain sad when I can't get playdates for our son and he feels bad and I am sad when certain friends who were there for me during the years Mark was drinking are no longer there for me or give me the cold shoulder.
I get even more furious when people don't return phone calls when I call for playdates. They figure by not calling back I will get the hint that their kid does not want to play with mine...But I don't get the hint...especially if the kids have not had a fight and have always gotten along well. Instead I htrink it is because the parents don't like me...I hate when people avoid me or my family. It is terrible communication and while they might think it is polite it is downright rude...when my son has an issue I tell people...I wish people would do the same....Even if the just called back and said """"XXX is going through a phase and for now he does not want to hav a playdate, please don'ttake it personally" OR " XXX is upset with your son because....." at least then I know what is going on....I really wish they would say that because by avoiding us my child gets upset and hurt....and I do not have the knowledgeto help him to ...Why don;t people khow how ot communicate...I had this discussion with awoman recently whose son was one of our sone's good friends. She did not return my phone call for 4 months to set up a playdate and now her kid can'tgef enough of mine.....WHen I asked her whta happened she told me that her son thought my son used too much bad language and it made him uncomfortable..Now I ask you...why didn't she tell me this so I could help my child and avoid the hurt of losing a friend/???? Things don't go away by ignoring them and no on gains by silence...UGHHHHHHHH people are so stupid sometimes....
So what did I learn from this/???THE 3 call rule. I call 3 times and if there is no return call I give up..And sadly when I give up the relationshiop ends...It kills me because our child is kind, sensistive, loving and would never harm anyone...He has such wonderful values....andthis rejectionis awful...>We used to have friends with kids his age and we used to hang out with them. Those friends moved away for careers..We stagnated,alcoholism took over our lives and we did not make new friends.....That is where we are today and now so many people have established friends it is hard to break in....so many people drink normally...and frankly mark is not ready to be social....I tell our son to hang tight and to stay busy with activities and not worry about not having play dates..I tell him to get his interaction in school and activities....and like so many things I pray that we soon develop friends with kids his age and that this all changes..and when it does they will be the right friends who will call back and who will be honest.
Today it was so hurtful for me to be near someone who went through the worst of Mark's addiction with me..Her husband is also a recovering addict....She completely snubs me and is cold when I see her....Part of this is her, but another part of it really hurts....I take these things personally.......She also did not have decency to acknowledge my mom's death....Even when I said "my mom just died" She could not say "I am sorry for your loss"....I know sometimes people don't know what to say..but I am sorry is not too difficult..Where are people's manners/??And usually these are the people who "live in glass houses".
I wish I had another child as I would love to have a big family for our son and me...But that is not the cards I was dealt in life..I was given by God a beautiful child and a chance at a beautiful family life...I am blessed for this and look forward to our life in sobriety.
What about our financial house?????Well that is not so good and I wonder if I am nuts for not having a nervous breakdown. We have tax problems and no income BUT we have started a business...actually mark has and I have decided to be part of it because it is more rewarding than working for someone else...Never the less today is a very scary time. I believe we will do well but today we are still in a difficult place. I am also starting school in January for nutrition counselling....I really believe all will be OK...and I have to keep believing this.
I am exercising again and proud of this..I have to keep it up as I love doing it, stopped for too long a time, and I did not get a good bill of health recently...Mark did! For someone who was borderline cirrhosis it is amazing that his liver is ALL CLEAN! and his cholesterol is NORMAL! WOW! Sobriety really does do wonders.
Next week is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her terribly and so does our son. She was an amazing lady. I am blessed to have had a mom that I loved who loved me so much. And I am blessed that I got so many gifts,in terms of live lessons and love, from her. I am so happy my mom knew mark and had such a loving relationship with our son. She lives with us forever!!!!!!!
We really are becoming a family more and more and more and more. I am so happy we have remained together and I pray we have a beautiful wonderful future together.
Mark has three people he sponsors and it is amazing to see how his sponsees respect him.. They would never believe he was a stumbling idiotic drunk who was abusive and horrible and destroyed so much...And frankly to see him today I am so grateful he has found recovery..He is a beautiful man and I love him so and I am so grateful that we did not have to lose our marriage and family life.
I have had a few alanon sponsees.....I find they do not stay as long as the AA sponsees to as so many of us in alanon are co-dependent and when things go well we abandon our sponsors...Never the less I reach out when I can and do what I can...and will continue to do so.
As for my sadness and disappointment with lack of friends and people in this town..,..I am happy with me and my son and my husband....I am happy with the work I do to reach out to others and I am happy keeping myself busy.......Friends will come, if they are meant to......It is in God's hands.
Regarding communication. I live with an angry man....Different from his drinking days these days he knows when his anger turns him into a jerk and he knows to back off and admit when he is wrong......It does not make it always easy but much better than during the drinking days and his awareness paves the path for us to really fall in love, the right way....Tonight he is in Europe and missing us terribly..He can't wait to come home...It is the first time in 10 years that he really knows that this is his home and that there is love and warmth waiting here for him.....Real love, which he does not really know, and trust, and a really happy and normal life...all he is finally learning about.
I pray God gives us many good years together. Our life is beginning in so many ways and while we are not yet rich financially we are rich in so many ways...Rich in a way we have not been in so very long and richer than so very many....
I am finally rediscovering much of my extended family who I have been estranged from during this 10 year nightmare...it is time to rebuild and one day at a time this is happening.
We have a difficult few months ahead financially and emotionally. Please all who read this send prayers, and healing good energy our way. I promise you that the universe will return it to you from us ten-fold and more...thank you thank you thank you....
Thanks for letting me babble...I am sorry it has been so long since I have written...There is so much more to say but this is it for now. I hope that this has given hope and healing to all of you..
Warm Regards to all.....
Hunter
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