A FAMILY IN RECOVERY

i am Back

2010-02-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged forever ,sober 3 years now and whilst I am more than happy to be sober ,we now deal with life on life's terms .I wanted to sign in for a minute to be sure I know how to get onto this great concept that Hunter created to help other families understand and believe that there is a away out from a hopeless state of mind and body and dealing with recovering alcoholic that the miracle can happen but the work has to be done .

I will be back later ,just getting going ,I have much to discuss and hope I can with Hunter assist any one out there who truly needs to know if I can get sober and stay in my marriage any one can !!

Catch up with you all later .

Mark Alcoholic and more than glad to be above ground !!!

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF....NO ONE ELSE WILL

2010-02-23T08:40:00.001-08:00

There is a lot of wisdom about learning to focus on yourself as that is what the partner in recovery is doing. They take good care of themselves, and frankly they always have...When they were drinking they always made sure they did whatever it took to get one.

It is delusional to think that an alcoholic, or one in recovery, can "take care" of you. Actually it is delusional to think that anyone can. However us partners of people in recovery (or not in recovery) excel at taking care of others. I know for me it has been what I thought would complete me.

For years I "took care" of Mark and in the process I lost everything. My job, my looks, my friends, my self esteem, my body, and my soul. I also take care of our son. I just have not taken care of me. I thought that would selfish.

Taking care of me is the best thing I can do for everyone. It is where I put my intentions. When I am the best me I can be I send good energy into the universe and it flows back to me.

Addiction, loss, and illness brings a lot of toxic energy. Today I will repel toxic energy and exude a positive direction. This is not easy when in recovery as a family. However it is necessary in order to move forward.

Today my positive energy extends to an interfaith outreach program, an Internet campaign on childhood obesity, and a yoga teacher training. Although i need to lost weight and do not yet look like a yoga teacher. I intend to do this. I find that yoga is life and breath is life.

When we are born we breath in a huge breath and when we die we let out a huge breath. Everyday in between is ours to live to the fullest. That is where I am today, 3 years in recovery. I intend to live MY life and also to have LOVE in the form of HEALTHY partnership and family. It is time.

Fortunately Mark and I and our son are on the same page with this...Our son loves Bon Jovi and the song "It's My Life...it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever...I just want to live while I'm alive." Living with and through addiction is dying while you are live it is not living. Getting over the scars is not joyful. For Mark everyday he does not drink it is a gift. I respect that.

With sobriety we can actually move forward as a family. I want a deep comitted relationship. We are not there. When we are that will be my gift. Mark is working on this. I am working on building that kind of relationship with myself. I believe we will meet in the middle soon.

Namiste, Peace, Shalom....

Hunter

We are back!

2010-02-17T14:57:00.000-08:00

Notice the "we". Last evening Mark and I went to see the movie Crazy Heart where Jeff Bridges plays an alcoholic musician who recovers. It was chilling for both of us to see and after the movie mark asked about this blog. He even said he might start writing in it again....wouldn't that be cool!

We have struggled as a couple in recovery and now that Mark is 3 years sober he is in a different place. We started a therapy called EFT today and have a great male therapist. We think this will be good for us and I am happy that Mark really wants to be a good husband (he has a lot to make up for). There is hope for our relationship and we are learning new ways to communicate.

Lot's of personal growth for me which I will write about another time. SO I hope we have not lost all our readers, I hope that Mark starts writing regularly, and I hope that year three of recovery for him is also a wonderful year for this family in recovery.

Our child is doing great in school good grades, friends, and generally happy...the dog is happy...financially we are still struggling but we are rebuilding...This year should be rebirth in many ways.

Thought in closing. Our therapist said that Mark might try to use his AA principles and program and apply them outside of the program and to our marriage. Great idea, and glad it came from someone other than me...Time will tell.

Regards to all.
Hunter

Prayers Do Work

2009-05-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

I am praying and it seems to be getting better. I am also staying true to myself and remembering boundaries and setting them.

I always thought that boundaries were nasty, mean, and harsh...they are not..Boundaries are what make me unique and whole. Boundaries are born out of love. Love for myself. Setting healthy boundaries means that I love myself enough to protect and take care of myself..

A good friend recently said "Hunter, you are full of wisdom and you are great at any ting you put your mind to...what is stopping you".....after careful thought I realized that it is me who is stopping me....

Someone once said something that really stuck with me it was "do you love yourself enought to take care of yourself?" I am finally learning that I do.

Time for me to help me. AND when doing this all around me gets better.....

Prayers also for my friend Mary, one of hte anonymous people in and out of my life, who I saw recently...She is not doing well, but she looks great! I pray all goes well for her.

Stay tuned..I think there really may be a miracle coming this way...one for me and for my family in recovery....

I hope to share it with all of you.

HOLDING ON TO A DREAM THAT IS A NIGHTMARE

2009-05-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter

Mark is 2 1/2 years sober. He is not drinking BUT his anger is out of control. It is horrible to be around someone who is angry all the time. His father's death in December really set him back. Some people are sicker than others. I truly believe that Mark is a wonderful person. However, he has massive issues surrounding money, savings, and so much more. He makes everything about him and immeditely goes to a place of anger. There is no communication. This is far from the dream of marriage that I keep holding on to. The serenity prayer says to ask for the courage to change the things you can. I am in the place I was when I had enough of he drinking. I am praying for the strength to set healthy boundaries and for the miracle of love, responsible living, passion and fun to return to my family.

STILL SOBER AND STILL TOGETHER

2009-02-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

Hello from Hunter.
Brief post because it is late.
In a recovery program it was once said "when i got busy I got better"...Well I am sooooo busy it is nuts...There is still a lot of things unsettled in our life but things are way better than ever. now that two years has passed we are becoming a family again. Our child is doing better in school and was chosen to read a most amazing essay for D.A.R.E. class (school program about drugs and alcohol). I am going to share it here in the hopes that anyone with kids who are struggling with parents who are alcohlics can derive expereince strength and hope from this...Before i share it i will give you another quick updates...I am back in school and am becoming a holistic heatlh counsellor..I am really excited about this journey and i will be helping people in recovery with sugar cravings as well as helping people avoid illness via food and nutrition...stay tuned...it is the first time I have ever done something for myself in 10 years...ok her is our kids essay hope you enjoy it.

CHOOSE THE HARDER RIGHT OVER THE EASIER WRONG..LESSONS FROM A FIFTH GRADER

I thought that the most important Dare lesson was alcohol because someone I know is an alcoholic and it affected my family a lot. It was very important to know the other consequences that could have happened to them such as being really drowsy weak and a lot of other things. I remember the person I care about sleeping and falling down a lot. I really care about this person and am glad they do not do this anymore.

I also know a few facts about alcohol like AA meetings that help the alcoholic and when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking its called sobriety. The chemical in the drink makes an addiction that is very hard to break and that addiction can tear families apart. In fact a person can actually die from alcohol poisoning and if they are addicted can die from this if they stop without medical help.

Drinking and driving don’t mix because when you drink you feel relaxed but what’s really happening is that a chemical is going to your brain that makes you drowsy and your vision isn’t as strong so when you drive you have a really big risk of getting in a car accident and injuring or killing others who are passengers or in another car. Many times people who drink and drive get their license suspended.

People with alcoholism sometimes affect their kids so they have to be extra careful and make smart choices. When I was learning about alcohol I was thinking about the person that I care about. After my DARE class when I saw them I was crying because now that person is sober and I love them and am so grateful for their sobriety.

Alcoholism can tear a family apart because the alcoholic when active is obsessed and forgets about the family. The alcoholic spends more time with the bottle and the parents fight and sometimes divorce. It affects the kid or kids just as the parents, and often the child of an alcoholic has trouble learning at school and making friends.

If an alcoholic decides to get sober and not drink they will go to AA meetings, which stands for Alcoholics Anonymous. At these meetings they discuss their experiences with other alcoholics. The person I care about went there and made friends with everybody.

If an alcoholic has children, the kids have a danger of drinking alcoholically. If the kid or kids take the D.A.R.E. program it will teach them how to make smart choices so they don’t drink... And even if you don’t take the program be sure to make smart choices anyway!

If you have a family member that is drunk it’s okay to still love them, you just have to know that they can get dangerous, especially if they are an alcoholic. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, but according to a group called NACOA 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 lives with someone who is. If you live with an alcoholic and they are in sobriety and go to AA meetings they won’t be dangerous but they will still have a little bit of the disease in them.

However, their meetings are their medicine and because of this the alcoholic won’t let the disease consume them as it did when they were an active drunk.

People who drink under the age of 21 tend to get arrested because it is against the law for them to drink. Also they tend to have bigger problems because for the chemical in the alcohol doesn’t process as well in people under the age of 21 and it more deeply affects the younger person’s brain.

I think we all have tendencies to become alcoholic. Also no matter how old you are don’t drink too much or you might find yourself with an addiction!

The best thing to do if you don’t want the disease is to not drink at all. And for a kid like me, the best thing to do growing up is not to give in to peer pressure not to hang around with kids who drink and drug, and to always choose the harder right.

Well this concludes my essay of what I thought was the most important lesson in D.A.R.E. hope you enjoyed it. BYE.

Been a While....Still Recovering One Day at a Time...Still Together

2008-09-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hi From Hunter,

I will say that I am sad that Mark has not kept up with this blog. However, he is still sober and deeply comitted to his recovery. Mark is doing great fighing this disease and as of today he thanks God everyday for the AA program. He has been in Europe visiting his daughters and feeling lonely....He is never alone as he has the rooms of AA and people who give him love and respect in those rooms. He had a very upsetting experience yesterday-he went out to eat and ordered a ginger ale and the waiter brought him a vodka and ginger ale. He felt sick , even though he spit it right out. For him it brought up all the memories of the shakes, withdrawal, police, and destruction that alcohol brought to his life...His sponsor helped him through this by discussing his intentions with him. Mark did not intend to drink. Mark did not slip. Mark did the right thing and thank God he is still sober and not off on a bender to ruin his and our lives.

I am disappointed in myself as I am co-dependent. I would be devastated if Mark started drinking again. He and our son are my life and I really like it that way...

Our son is doing great. He continues to improve in school and he continues ot build a loving wonderful relationship with Mark. It is beautiful to see.. Of course I get the blame from our son when things go wrong and I am not as good as or as cool as dad...But frankly that is fine with me. I love that he and his dad have a good relationship today...there is much lost time there...a nd I know that I am a good mom and that our son would not be the boy he is today if I did not do a lot of hard work and seek support during the drinking years.

Mark is still very angry and it is very hard to live with this. It is also hard to deal with the fact that we have not had sex in close to a year! It hurts me terribly. I am overweight...but not for long. I have joined weight watchers and have lost 10 pounds....I have 50 more to go and then look out...If I have to wait to lose 50 pounds before he has sex with me I will be furious.....I don't think I will. I believe lack of sex drive has a lot to do with his recovery and we have discussed the issue and are working toward a solution.

Mark started therapy recently. It is the first time he has done this on his own. I am so happy he is doing this...It is good for him and good for our family. And it is great that he has done it with the guidance of his sponsor and not because of me. I pray this helps him with his anger and his issues...I really love himso much and don't want to lose him....

I am feeling very lonely in our town. Because of the disease we still do not have friends as a couple and a normal social life...I am very happy in our family life but I remain sad when I can't get playdates for our son and he feels bad and I am sad when certain friends who were there for me during the years Mark was drinking are no longer there for me or give me the cold shoulder.
I get even more furious when people don't return phone calls when I call for playdates. They figure by not calling back I will get the hint that their kid does not want to play with mine...But I don't get the hint...especially if the kids have not had a fight and have always gotten along well. Instead I htrink it is because the parents don't like me...I hate when people avoid me or my family. It is terrible communication and while they might think it is polite it is downright rude...when my son has an issue I tell people...I wish people would do the same....Even if the just called back and said """"XXX is going through a phase and for now he does not want to hav a playdate, please don'ttake it personally" OR " XXX is upset with your son because....." at least then I know what is going on....I really wish they would say that because by avoiding us my child gets upset and hurt....and I do not have the knowledgeto help him to ...Why don;t people khow how ot communicate...I had this discussion with awoman recently whose son was one of our sone's good friends. She did not return my phone call for 4 months to set up a playdate and now her kid can'tgef enough of mine.....WHen I asked her whta happened she told me that her son thought my son used too much bad language and it made him uncomfortable..Now I ask you...why didn't she tell me this so I could help my child and avoid the hurt of losing a friend/???? Things don't go away by ignoring them and no on gains by silence...UGHHHHHHHH people are so stupid sometimes....

So what did I learn from this/???THE 3 call rule. I call 3 times and if there is no return call I give up..And sadly when I give up the relationshiop ends...It kills me because our child is kind, sensistive, loving and would never harm anyone...He has such wonderful values....andthis rejectionis awful...>We used to have friends with kids his age and we used to hang out with them. Those friends moved away for careers..We stagnated,alcoholism took over our lives and we did not make new friends.....That is where we are today and now so many people have established friends it is hard to break in....so many people drink normally...and frankly mark is not ready to be social....I tell our son to hang tight and to stay busy with activities and not worry about not having play dates..I tell him to get his interaction in school and activities....and like so many things I pray that we soon develop friends with kids his age and that this all changes..and when it does they will be the right friends who will call back and who will be honest.

Today it was so hurtful for me to be near someone who went through the worst of Mark's addiction with me..Her husband is also a recovering addict....She completely snubs me and is cold when I see her....Part of this is her, but another part of it really hurts....I take these things personally.......She also did not have decency to acknowledge my mom's death....Even when I said "my mom just died" She could not say "I am sorry for your loss"....I know sometimes people don't know what to say..but I am sorry is not too difficult..Where are people's manners/??And usually these are the people who "live in glass houses".

I wish I had another child as I would love to have a big family for our son and me...But that is not the cards I was dealt in life..I was given by God a beautiful child and a chance at a beautiful family life...I am blessed for this and look forward to our life in sobriety.

What about our financial house?????Well that is not so good and I wonder if I am nuts for not having a nervous breakdown. We have tax problems and no income BUT we have started a business...actually mark has and I have decided to be part of it because it is more rewarding than working for someone else...Never the less today is a very scary time. I believe we will do well but today we are still in a difficult place. I am also starting school in January for nutrition counselling....I really believe all will be OK...and I have to keep believing this.

I am exercising again and proud of this..I have to keep it up as I love doing it, stopped for too long a time, and I did not get a good bill of health recently...Mark did! For someone who was borderline cirrhosis it is amazing that his liver is ALL CLEAN! and his cholesterol is NORMAL! WOW! Sobriety really does do wonders.

Next week is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her terribly and so does our son. She was an amazing lady. I am blessed to have had a mom that I loved who loved me so much. And I am blessed that I got so many gifts,in terms of live lessons and love, from her. I am so happy my mom knew mark and had such a loving relationship with our son. She lives with us forever!!!!!!!

We really are becoming a family more and more and more and more. I am so happy we have remained together and I pray we have a beautiful wonderful future together.

Mark has three people he sponsors and it is amazing to see how his sponsees respect him.. They would never believe he was a stumbling idiotic drunk who was abusive and horrible and destroyed so much...And frankly to see him today I am so grateful he has found recovery..He is a beautiful man and I love him so and I am so grateful that we did not have to lose our marriage and family life.

I have had a few alanon sponsees.....I find they do not stay as long as the AA sponsees to as so many of us in alanon are co-dependent and when things go well we abandon our sponsors...Never the less I reach out when I can and do what I can...and will continue to do so.

As for my sadness and disappointment with lack of friends and people in this town..,..I am happy with me and my son and my husband....I am happy with the work I do to reach out to others and I am happy keeping myself busy.......Friends will come, if they are meant to......It is in God's hands.

Regarding communication. I live with an angry man....Different from his drinking days these days he knows when his anger turns him into a jerk and he knows to back off and admit when he is wrong......It does not make it always easy but much better than during the drinking days and his awareness paves the path for us to really fall in love, the right way....Tonight he is in Europe and missing us terribly..He can't wait to come home...It is the first time in 10 years that he really knows that this is his home and that there is love and warmth waiting here for him.....Real love, which he does not really know, and trust, and a really happy and normal life...all he is finally learning about.

I pray God gives us many good years together. Our life is beginning in so many ways and while we are not yet rich financially we are rich in so many ways...Rich in a way we have not been in so very long and richer than so very many....

I am finally rediscovering much of my extended family who I have been estranged from during this 10 year nightmare...it is time to rebuild and one day at a time this is happening.

We have a difficult few months ahead financially and emotionally. Please all who read this send prayers, and healing good energy our way. I promise you that the universe will return it to you from us ten-fold and more...thank you thank you thank you....

Thanks for letting me babble...I am sorry it has been so long since I have written...There is so much more to say but this is it for now. I hope that this has given hope and healing to all of you..

Warm Regards to all.....

Hunter

February 2008.....The terrible 2's...staying together is hard work

2008-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

Hello friends,

Addiction is a fatal disease and this past week we lost a friend, Ian R., who seemingly had it all, to it. It is not just about staying clean and sober it is about living responsibly and honestly in the real world. For those of us who do not have this disease living responsibly and honestly in the real world is not always easy...for those who are afflicted with the disease of addiction it is that much more difficlut to learn how to live in reality and not run away.

There are tons of emotions that surface as the addict becomes sober, hence the program slogan "feelings are not facts". Confronting one's past honestly and discovering all the things one lost because of addiction can make someone very angry...Learning to manage this anger and communicate is not easy.

A marriage that has survived chronic addiction is very fragile. Starting a clean slate with trust is not easy. So many things bring up memories of the past----the lying, the stealing, the manipulation, the pain, the anger, the destruction, etc.....And the alcoholic (or addict) does not want to be reminded of these things....and in truth neither do we...Yet if a marriage is to survive in recovery from this awful disease a safe place to discuss our feelings and set boundaries is important.

What is natural for most people in this situation is to run away/leave, or shut down. Mark and I have been struggling with this over the past several months. We don't really talk about things very much and don't really see each other that much. And when there are important issues to deal with he gets very angry (similar behavior to when he was active). It is a very difficult enviroment to live in and in the past I would have gotten on my pity pot and behaved like "poor me". I know realize that I do have choices and I do have control over how I behave....It takes a tremendous amount of patience to act with understanding and compassion and walk away from behavior that is abusive....however this new behavior is leading us to a place of deeper understanding, love, and compassion for each other.

I have been searching the internet and other places for information on anger in the second year of sobriety..Have found nothing. So I thought I would write my experiences, share them, and maybe get some feedback from others. Mark has rageaholic tendencies...Fortunatly he is working his program or recovery, aware of this behavior, and working on getting better at it. I personally detest this behavior...my dad, and mom to a lesser extent, were both rageaholics....I cannot stand arguing over nothing importatn, analyzing feelings and behaviors to death, screaming and overreacting. Learning to talk to one another and reason things out is much more productive an dmuch less stressful...OK once again eliciting this kind of behavior has to come from me...SO how do I handle it? I use the tools of hte program finally...I ignore rageaholic words and behavior, I walk away or busy myself with something else, I let the situtaioncalm down, and then ask "what is really going on?" Usually it leads back to the same thing-Markisangry with himself and is learning to live life on life's terms...it is easy to blame me for whatever is wrong, as that is what he did for so many years when he was drinking...and before me it was his ex wife and his family...etc.....

HOw am I handling situation differently? Here is a good example. Recently I thought Mark was lying to me about something important...I got very angry and thought through how I would tell him this. I could accuse him, I could ask him for proof he was not lying..all of this would just make him more angry and feel cornered and would not achieve my desired result..I could accept that he may be telling the truth or he may be lying and recognizethat I am powerless over this situation. I am not powerless over my behavior and I could adjust my behavior. So I prayed for guidance and the wisdom that came to me was just as I need safe place to express my feelings to Mark, he too needs a safe place to express his and recover. So I found the words to tell him that the situation that occurred brought up for me bad memories of the drinking days and htat just as he does not want to be reminded of the past, neither do I and I explained that he needs to be a better communicator about things. He too found the words to explain to me how his past keeps coming up and the pain of what he lost... He still is very vague about his feelings and thoughts and shares a lot with his sponsor...But in a marriage we need to be able to talk about things and address them openly and honestly.

It is very hard for me to have blind trust in Mark given the history, but I am moving through this and turning it over to my higher power. It is scary....but it has always worked. And there are rewards to this behavior...Yesterday Mark called me and expressed his gratitude to me in a way I never heard before and acknowledged that it must be difficult to be married to someone like him...His humility opened a door for me to say yes it is hard but I love the man I married and I am gratful that he is finding his true self one day at a time hte more and more sobriety he has, and taht I appreciate his acknoledgemnt of me.

I keep telling Mark I am his friend and not his enemy and when we feel like giving up onour marriage I reason it out with him-this is not always easy as his anger gets in the way but once we get past that (often after several very patient attempts and many deep breaths to keep me from exploding in anger) we discover that we would bring our baggage to the next relationship and until we take responsiblity for our baggage we will not get better, and as two partners with a history together who love one another helping and loving each other enough to heal and grow together rather than apart can be a wonderful experience...Hard work but wonderful, and hard work that really cannot yet be addressed fully as recovery is still too new..

So this is a tall order for someone like me who is not an addict. Why do I have to put up with this. Don't I deserve better? I have choices and I like my choice. I love my alcoholic and I am grateful everyday for his sobriety. I am happy to support his commitment to AA and recovery, even though this means that nothing comes before his sobriety.

So, what about me? I do not go to many Alanon meetings anymore. When I do I share from a new perspective. The wisdom of 12 step programs extends to all areas of our lives. What does a family in recovery in year 2 of sobriety mean to and for me? It means that I no longer live crisis to crisis and no longer spend my life managing crisies. It measns that I am free to focus on me. I did not think that I would do this without my mom in my life. But it also means that I am freer to grieve her loss and learn to make her memory a blessing and a big part of my life. I have been in dead end jobs over the past few years as I too was a victim of this horrible family disease. As I am closer to 50 than 40 and have had more than a five year gap in my field and no graduate school degree, finding a job that pays good money is tough. Mark has started a new business and my dream has always been to be in business with my husband..I got stuck in this thought and desire for a while until I realized that he is too volatile and controlling for me to work with and htat I will be involved in his business anyway. More importanty I realized that this was not the right choice for me as I need to be independent and not dependent. I need to earn enought money to be self sufficient yet have time to be a good mother and inspiration to my son, and have enought time to go the gym and take care of me...a hybrid between suburbanhousewife and professional....I truly can have it all if I make hte right choices. And Mark can help support our family and work and enjoy his work. We can truly be separate and whole and in a healthy relationshiop.

So my big news: I am enrolling in a one year program to become a certified holistic practitioner and nutritionist. I will have the tools to build my own business..and I will be able make more money day 1 than I do now working part time for someone else....

I have osteoarthritis in my knee and have been forced to start an aggressive exercise program as not to be in chronic pain....alongside of this I am becoming a good cook and were are primarily vegetarian. I have not mastered the art of losing weight and staying disciplined yet but I do see small minor changes.

And what about our son? He is struggling in school academically and socially. He has huge anger issues we are dealing with. He too is in recovery and fortunatley has wonderful support at school and a dad who one day at a time is becoming a better father. His report card was not great all average grades (most kids are above average in his school) but it was the best for him.He was disappointed yet he is lucky to have a mom and dad like us. I looked at his report card and gave him a huge hug and told him I was very proud of him as his report card reflected a lot of hard work and a lot of improvement and progress. I told him that it is good not to get all outstandings the first half of the year as it gives him something to work toward. I am close to his teacher and we work together. AND finally I have a supportive and calm home environment and a husband who is my partner in parenting.

So-I do not write as frequently as in the past but will continue to update periodically and hopefuly Mark will too. Mark has not disappeared he has just chosen not to blog, or been too busy, working other tools of recovery, or tired He is still in recovery and working all the tools of his AA program. This means as many meetings as he feels he needs to stay sober (at least one a day and lately several more), staying very close to his sponsor, reading and praying, and calling and supporting others in recovery. Would love ot hear from our friends who read our blog.

Hunter

It's been a year in Recovery! Happy New Year!

2007-12-30T07:45:00.001-08:00

Hello from Hunter-It has been a crazy year but a good one. Mark received his one year coin this week and continues to work ALL the tools of the AA program and live it one day at at time. I do not attend many alanon meetings anymore but I know I have strong program. Year 2 of recovery is about ANGER..And Mark has plenty of it...He is learning to deal with it and I am learning (alanon has taught me well) to just let his anger pass and not to confront or engage. It will pass and he will realize what he did and acknowledge it....AND in time I know it will improve.Our son continues to do well and LOVES being with his dad....Life has not been without challenges....Mark lost his job-that's a long story but suffice to say that it was not his fault and he worked for a person who does not honor his word...SO, instead of falling apart we are on to the next thing, we are starting a business and Mark is vigilant about setting it up and making it work....AND as part of it he tells people he is working with he is in recovery-he is not ashamed.As for me...I have taken this year to take a deep breath and enjoy a home that is not in chaos constantly. I am starting to clear and clean closets and clutter (UGH there is sooooo much of it) and I think by next year it will be finished-I mean 2009 not 2008! But hopefully sooner. I am also seeing myself much more clearly and understanding my role in life as a caretaker of everyone else but myself. This has got to change. I can love and care for others but I must learn more about me and take care of me. I have forgotten how to do this and I plan to relearn this over the next year. Our son got an electric guitar for the holidays and loves it. He will take lessons next year..What a great way to release his energy, and not watch so much TV......I always wanted a house full of music, I am so glad he has an interest. As part of our recovery as a family Mark and I are going to go to a couples workshop in January. We have spent this year focusing on sobriety and becoming a family again. Now we have to focus on really living with sobriety and rebuilding our marriage. So there are many challenges ahead as we enter into year two of a family in recovery: me taking care of me and dealing with my many issues; Mark working on his anger; Mark and I working on our marriage; building a new business; and giving our son the family and life he deserves.....and Mark also rebuilding relationship with his daughters, which he is starting to do. I know for me all of this is easier with a sober husband who loves me and our son.Happy New Year to all.Hunter....
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Acting out and using the Tools of the program

2007-11-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Hello from Hunter,

As Mark gets used to working again and gets more and more sober he is starting to act out a lot. Mark is inspirational and an exceptional role model and miracle in how he has attacked his alcoholism and chosen the path of sobriety. He works all the tools of his program and this is how he is getting better one day at time...It is progress not perfection and I am glad that I have a lot of alanon in me to understand how to manage.

After returning from my trip Mark exploded at me and our son..They had such a great week together and when I came home he got angry at our son for telling me he had such a great time.. I was thrilled he had such a great time and relieved to know that I have the freedom to leave them together and not worry if our son will be OK..It is terrific...but mark got angry because he thought I would be upset.

mark gets angry at the chaos in our home and expects it all to go away immediately. He treats me sometimes like a maid and explodes at me when the house is not clean the way he wants it accusing me of doing nothing, usually when I have spent 2 hours cleaning up a messy dirty kitchen and taking care of our son...He tells me that I am boring and that he can't stand the site of me and other horrible verbally abusive things....

I ignore him as there is no way he can possibly be serious about what he says..AND when he is calmer I point out all the chaos he creates and has created and I point out all the things to him he does not do that make me nuts like washing whites with colors, leaving a swingset in our yard and not setting it up for our son, leaving bags and bags of soda cans in the yard to be returned but never returned, an much more...I remind him that I never call attention to all of this and I always look at what he does do and not aot what he does not do.

To Mark's credit, he is learning to calm down-albeit after the rage- and talk things through. He is learning to communicate with me and to listen to how I feel as well.

Last night he apologized for his behavior and had tears in his eyes....He felt so terrible for what he did....My response was not very warm....I looked at him in the eyes and said-you should feel terrible, I am glad you realize this and I appreciate your acknowledging that what you did was wrong and then I walked away.

There is NO excuse for verbal abuse...BUT I have the tools of alanon to guide me.. This is Mark's disease talking not him and as he works his tools of recovery he learns how to change his behavior one day at a time. I learn not to pay attention to the small things but to focus on the big things...The big thing is that we are finding our way through recovery and learning how to live a normal, healthy, loving life together....

Our home is a mess but nowhere near the mess it was a year ago. For this I am grateful. Our son had a sleepover party and one of his friends, who was not allowed to play at our house a year ago because of Mark's drinking, not only came to the party but was allowed to sleep over-this was the boys first time ever sleepover! Now that is progress-not perfection.

I am grateful for our progress and feel blessed. Nothing in life easy.

Warmest.

Hunter

I'M BACK

2007-11-10T06:12:00.000-08:00

Hello from Hunter,

What a wonderful week I had at Kripalu. It is an amazing place and I highly recommend it. This week was a win, win, win. I had a life transforming experience, our son and my husband bonded with nothing for me to worry about, and we will all be better for it. I will share more later but I have an awful headache....In short, I have a lot of inspiration from my husband's recovery to move forward with mine...It will take a lot of hard work but i am going to do it. My son has noticed subtle changes and in his infinite wisdom said "wow, yhou have come back a different person and in many ways I think you are going to be an even better mom!" As for Mark I am sure he is glad I am back as he missed too many AA meetings when I was gone and really needed to get to one.

More later..AND thanks for your comments.

Hunter

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE MANAGING CRISIS

2007-11-04T05:22:00.001-08:00

Hello from Hunter,

This is will be my last blog for week as I am going away, by myself, to a yoga retreat. It is the first time in over 2 years I have left our son alone with Mark, and it is the first time in over 5 years I have done something for myself. This should be an amazing journey for me and the beginning of taking my life back.

Our home is still in chaos physically. Everyplace I turn there is clutter and mess. BUT our home is no longer in chaos emotionally. Mark is a miracle everyday. He is becoming more and more articulate about his feelings, working hard, and asking for what he needs-apparently I do not hug him enough...AND as long as he continues to not drink, rigorously work his AA program, go to meetings, and work with his sponsor, I will hug him as much as he wants and needs and proably more. We are blessed and I am so very happy and proud of him.

The mess in the home pisses Mark off. Me too!!!!!! I have lived with managing the chaos of alcoholism for so many years that taking care of all of this was way too much to handle. AND whenever I cleared it in the past, it was destroyed by the animal possessing my husbsand when he drank. Now, one day at a time, in the peace of sobriety, I/we can tackle this chaos one day at time.

Believe it or not, it is a loss to not manage chaos anymore. It sounds silly by the mind says -oh my god what do I do now I don't know what to do but I do know where to start. There is much rebuilding to do-helping our child get up to speed in school as he lost over a year of learning during the worst of times as he was unavailable for learning and also he developed some poor personal habits-because of the crisis I have been an enabler for him and now must teach him with love to take care of himself. We must rebuild our marriage and build a life, for the first time, together based in knowledge of self, taking care of ourselves, leaving the past behind, and bringing our best selves to each other and this family; and then there is the clearing of clutter and organization in the home....

It will all fall into place, one day at at time..It is actually. And this week will be incredible. I will be taking care of me for the first time in a long time and frankly that is what I need to do in order to continue to grow and rebuild/build my little family. Mark and Moe will bond and Mark will be responsible and reliable and sober for the first time in years. I will have peace of mind that all is OK and when I return we will all be better, stronger, and happier and we will move tothe next phase of our live as a family in recovery.

Also, I am a huge believer in the power of prayer. All of you who read this blog, and those who comment, have been sending our family prayers as you read this and think of us. Our life is getting better everyday, and all of you have had something to do with that. Thank you so very much and we send those prayers back at you.

I guess when I return I will be using the word Namiste more. So Namiste, have a good week and perhaps Mark will blog in my absence.

Namiste-

Hunter

HELPING OTHERS AND GOING OUTSIDE OUR COMFORT ZONE

2007-11-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

I have been wreslting with how to get my spiritual community to reach out to families suffering from alcohlism or addiction. Outreach to families who have lost a loved one or to people suffering from cancer or other "recognized" illnesses is abundant but illnesses like addiction are often overlooked-people tend to run from them due ot fear or other reasons.

After a year of pushing and going outside my comfort zone to make something happen I was asked to write an article to be distributed to close to 1000 families. This was a great growth experience for me as I am learning how to tap into the leader within me and that in order to be a leader one must stand behind things that impassion them and push until something happens. Debate what will happen, listen and compromise...

Below is the article I wrote. If one family gets help as a result of it it will have made a difference.
If you read this and feel inspired by it please share it with people you know and/or act on some of the suggestions it contains.

GEMILUT CHASIDIM (BESTOWING KINDNESS)
TO FAMILIES SUFFERING FROM ADDICTION AND/OR DEPRESSION
Have you ever received a phone call from a friend or family member just at the right time-either when you were having a bad day or going through a difficult period of time? Did that phone call help make things a bit better and put a smile on your face? This simple act represents one of Judaism's most beautiful traditions: Gemilut Chasidim-"bestowing kindnesses"

Two often overlooked and misunderstood illnesses are depression and addiction. Both carry a social stigma and people who are affected by them often feel isolated and alone. Both are family diseases as the behavior of the person affected by the illness often does not resemble in any way the person we love and care about and there are losses and grief on many levels. Both contribute to isolation and feeling helpless to address the problems. Both often interfere with normal functioning and cause pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them. Both can destroy family life as well as the life of the ill person. If we know of people in this situation surely there must be some act of gemilut chasidim that we can extend to them.

Sometimes all we can do is pray. Our caring committee offers prayers. We send a beautiful handmade hamsa (healing hand) with the misheberach prayer to people we know are in need of healing and keep them close to our hearts and in our prayers. To take this a step further, if we are aware of a family or individual in this situation a call to ask how they are….is there anything we can do to help are simple acts of loving kindness we, or you, can do. You have no idea the huge difference this simple act of kindness and caring can make. We can also encourage them to contact our clergy- one of whom has training in counseling for alcoholics. They can offer spiritual guidance and direct them to therapeutic community resources.

If you know of someone who is in this situation please let your clergy know and they can contact them in a discreet and private manner. Reach out to them if you know them -- in the spirit of our tradition of gemilut chasidim -- and practice the advice that is written in the Perke Avot (the Ethics of the Fathers) which tells us to judge everyone in the scale of merit, be charitable in your assessment of their conduct, and judge not your neighbor until you have been in his situation.

Addiction and depression affect the young and the old, rich and poor, men and women. Like any challenge we may face, our chances for success are much better with the support of family and community. If you are dealing with addiction and/or depression in your home or family please ask for help.

Our house of worship is a sanctuary. It is filled with peace and unconditional love. It is a refuge and sometimes when it feels like it is too much to just get out of bed, it is a place to come to celebrate Shabbat, work on the many activities we offer, find friendship and fellowship. It is a place for young and old alike and it is always here, waiting to welcome you. You are never alone and you always have family, right here.

Random thoughts on New Beginnings

2007-10-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Hello again from Hunter,

Some random thoughts today. My mom's passing has opened up a new vista and new beginning for me.

I have always been a emotional wreck and the passing of my mother wouldhave in the past sent me into a terrible tailspin of sadness, self pity, and depression. But my mother has an extraordinary spirit. She stayed in her earthly body until things were truly in order and I am experiencing a beautiful peace and calmness since her passing. I know that her spirit is with me and around me, and Iknow there is life beyond death. I don't know exactly what I believe it is but I know it is peaceful and full of beauty..It is in the air taht we do not see. My son says he believes that when our spiriet leaves our body it goes someplace for a while and then gets reborn by choosing a body/baby to go to. This is similar to a buddhist or other Eastern religious concept and it seems to make sense to me...Anyway, I am finding peacefulness and serenity with mom's passing.....and a lot of love.

I am getting ready to start my journey of self care and awareness. I am going to a yoga retreat for a week and getting very excited. Without sobriety in our home I never could leave and coudl not do this. This was a loving gift from my mom and sister and I am grateful and excited.

Mark and I are learning to communicate better. Mostly he i slearning to be honest with his feelings. I am grateful and proud that he is feeling htis way and look forward to a beautiful life together.

OK enought random thoughts. I have to get on with my day. HOpefully Mark can write at some point soon, it has been awhile.

Warmest,

Hunter

God's To Do List

2007-10-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I read a book entitled God’s To Do List by Ron Wolfson as part of a spiritual community read. As part of the excercise we were asked to share our family to do list. When I shared mine, which I put together with my family, I received many comments, calling me and my family inspirational . As it had this effect on this small group, I thought I would share it in my blog in the hopes of inspiring others.

Our family To Do list also reflects a long struggle with alcohol addiction and recovery as well as caregiving and emotional trauma related to an aging parent with Alzheimer’s.

My husband’s descent into the deep abyss of alcoholism nearly bankrupted us, nearly destroyed our family and marriage, and nearly robbed our child of the ability to be happy joyous and free. Things did not get better until we turned to prayer and meditation and recovered spiritually, physically, and mentally. Our life together is a miracle since he has become sober and getting better every day. We have to work hard everyday to keep this miracle alive-and this is where our To Do list is very powerful.

Our To Do list is also very powerful in helping others manage the stress and emotional trauma associated with caring for aging parents and coping with Alzheimer’s. Just today I helped a friend dealing with this stress and directed her to resources that are affordable and can ease peace of mind.

Finally, I could not get my family to sit down and read or listen to me read the entire book so I read the book and gave them the cliffs notes version. We read the heading for each chapter and then the suggested to do list at the end of each chapter. Each of us circled 2 of the suggested ideas.

So here you go-our families to do list in cliffs notes format:

In cliffs notes, I always started with the end of the book. The end of Ron Wolfson’s book listed items 100-103. Our family believes they are an excellent beginning:
Together they read as follows: Look at every human being you meet, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and heart-to-heart. Recognized everyone’s spark of divinity and smile….In truth this says it all!

1. CREATE:
This is one of my favorites.
1) Our son is taking guitar lessons and learning to write songs

2) My husband is building a new business doing something he loves

3) I am publishing for my family a series of love letters my mom saved from WWII written by her and my dad, as well as a scrapbook of memories and recollections of the two of them.

4) Dance to the music and allow our spirit to run free

5) Each of us plans to do something daring, outside our comfort zone to tap into a new side of our creativity and thrive

6) All of us are planning to surround ourselves with artistic creative people, environments and experiences

7) Laugh-we all plan to find the humor in life and situations and learn to laugh more.

2. BLESS:
1) With all the hardships we have faced over the past few years it would seem that it is hard to find blessings in our life. But as a family we have learned that it is the little things in life that are blessings and they are abundant. Some of our blessings include:
Our spiritual communities and the fellowship of AA; the town where we live and all the amenities and kindness that is abundant here; true sobriety in our home, our beautiful son; our health; and the miracle we build as a family together everyday. There are always things we don’t have that we want, such as I would have loved to have had more children and of course win the powerball but it is not the card we were dealt today and we are learning each day to love what we have and not what we don’t

2) Ask your clergy for blessings in times of need and thank those who help you: We have asked out clergy for many blessings over the past few years to help with addiction that ravaged our family as well as to help ease the grief of losing my mother. Our son, who is in elementary school, was especially affected by the death of his grandmother. Our clergy, and school psychologist were there to help him make some sense of things before the funeral and continues to be there for him to help him understand bereavement. We are grateful that we asked and that our clergy has been there to give us blessings and counsel and we are glad that we learned how to ask. Asking for blessings is not easy. Learning to do so and receiving the help you need, when in truth you can not do it alone, is powerful.

3) Bless our home.

With all the chaos in our life, our home has not been a sanctuary of peace and tranquility. As our life is changing, our home is becoming more peaceful everyday. This year we will clean house, eliminate clutter, and hang mezuzahs on our doors.

4) Make time for our family everyday…

Share a meal, watch a family movie, play a game together, talk, laugh, listen, hug, love, and help each other be the best we can be everyday. And set aside one day a week as family activity day-each person will be in charge on a rotating basis for planning something to do.

3. REST
1) We plan to participate in the family dinners at our house of worship this year.
2) Rest when tired, relax in warm bubble bath. Help each other to learn this is OK
3) We have not been able to go on vacation for 2 years. We are planning a long weekend away as a family before the end of the year.
4) Recognize that you can not do everything, do what you can and take a break…then start over again.
5) Make quiet time for ourselves, alone without each other to find our inner peace and learn to love ourselves.
6) I personally have been too busy caring for others and managing crisis to take care of myself. I was given a gift to go away to a yoga retreat for a week…I am going and plan to recharge my batteries and take care of myself.

4. CALL-
1) Listen to that voice within us which always tells us what the next right
thing to do is. We all hear this voice within us and all to often do not listen to it. Listen, really listen to the good voice inside of us that tells us what the next right thing to do is, and do it.

2) In this chapter it talks about honoring our parents. I was fortunate enough to really like both of my parents, as well as love them. The book points out that some children end up not loving their parents but that it is still important to honor them. As both my parents have passed away I recognize the importance of honoring their legacy and continuing with the good that they taught me. I have honored my mother by helping others who have eldercare issues and are struggling with Alzheimer’s. And while she was alive I found the magic moments of life, even when her disease was robbing her of her memory. To honor my mom I have answered the request sent out by our house of worship to drive someone that needs a ride. I also hope to practice one of her biggest gifts in all my affairs and teach this to my family. This is to have the capacity to love deeply, see the good in people, believe in the healing power of love, never give upon people and forgive, and to find a special place in my heart for everyone I touch and inspire them. My husband has issues with his parents, as do I. As part of our to do list we are going to learn to honor his parents and do what we can. We will start by calling more as a family on a regular basis.
3) As our family has suffered from the ravages of addiction and is enjoying the miracle of recovery all of us are actively involved in reaching out to help others who are still sick and suffering. My husband, who was out of work for 5 years struggled to find work and now has a job and is in a position to employ others. He seeks out people in recovery who are sober and struggling to get back on their feet who need work, hires them and in this way helps them get back on their feet and stay sober…I am involved with a program that helps the 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 who live in alcoholic households.
4) My family, me especially, are guilty of using too much email to communicate. We will endeavor to call our family more often and check in. This really does make people feel good. We plan to identify a few people we have not spoken to in a long time, and as Ron Wolfson said in his presentation, we will call them just to say hello and see how they are doing.

5) Practice HUMILITY: Learn to ask when you need help and recognize that you cannot do it all. Allow someone else to help you and care for you and give back when you can. Our family had a very real experience with this over the past few years: Our family was recently in a position where we could not afford gas for our car or groceries. We changed up soda cans to buy gas and we were the recipients of those bags of food from the community pantries. I came from an upper middle class family and never wanted for anything. Finding my family in this position was horrible and unfamiliar. But we needed to eat and we did not have work and needed to do whatever was necessary to take care of our family. We asked for help and it was there. This year we helped prepare those bags for others so that they could be filled with food for people in need. We remembered how excited we were to be the recipient of this food when we needed it (of course I would have preferred more whole wheat pasta and healthy food in the bags) and we were grateful to help others.

6) Continue to become part of our town and spiritual community and participate actively.

5. COMFORT
1) I will continue to to help bereaved families.
2) Recognize when you cannot do it all and ask for help.-learning that it is OK and helping others learn that it is OK. I remember last year sending a meal to a friend and her family when they were in need of help. She did not want to accept this act of kindness. I “pushed” her into it and felt bad for being so pushy. BUT to this day she continues to thank me and has learned to reach out to others.
3) Continue to reach out to families suffering from the ravages of addiction and offer our experience strength and help.
a. Send prayers to those who are struggling or ill...Sometimes this is all you can do.
b. Make someone laugh or smile with a cute story. Recognize the healing power of laughter.

6) CARE
a. Make sure people around you feel loved and special everyday
i. Tell someone they have a beautiful smile or that they made your day or that you appreciate them
ii. Never go to bed angry with those closest to you.
iii. Make time everyday to tell each other and our children we love them and give hugs.
2) Do something anonymously-we all plan to do at least one thing anonymously this year.

3) Love our little family deeply and unconditionally.

4) Really listen to someone else. Let them talk without interrupting them, paraphrase what they say to make sure you understood, and respect their thoughts, even if you do not agree. Learn to compromise, or peacefully agree to disagree.

7) REPAIR
1) Our family is going to get involved with a “green” group and we use energy efficient light bulbs and recycle.

2) Exercise Compassion: When people do not act the way we would like them to act or appear to be unkind or unreasonable. Recognize that you may not be able to change them and that their behavior may not have anything to do with you. They may have deep rooted pain and baggage from life they are carrying around. Exercise compassion, pray for them and allow them to be who they are.

3) Look everyday for opportunities to make the world better and act on those we can.

4) Say what you mean, mean what you say, but do not say it mean. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself or others.

8) WRESTLE-
1) Addiction and bereavement are two very powerful forces to wrestle with. It does not seem fair that we have had to deal with both. Our son has recently asked “Why is God cursing me?” To deal with his we have asked for help, and as stated earlier our clergy has been there to help our son. What I have learned from my wrestling with these issues is to move through them and find the healing opportunities in them. There is a prayer that helps me with this, and I recite it whenever I wrestle with many issues in life that seem unfair. It is as follows:

Illness and Disease can be either a fence or a gate.

As a fence, it divides,
Keeping people either in or out.

While protection is important, and may be necessary at times,
There is beauty on both sides.

As a gate, it joins,
Opening up new vistas,
New friendships,
And new knowledge.

Illness and "Dis"ease are not what we would have chosen for ourselves,
But they are what we have in our or our loved ones' lives.
Let us learn to see the gateways it provides
And to move through them
As the truly beautiful
Images of God that we can be.

Our family will help others struggling with addiction and also those struggling with Alzheimer’s and do all we can to help. We also will never forget that God is always with us as we wrestle with whatever issues life brings us. And we will always look for the healing that comes from these lessons. We also will remember that we will not always get resolution or answers and we might not agree with the situation and that sometimes we need to just accept things as they are and move one.

9) GIVE
As we have been in a difficult financial situation we have not been able to give monetarily. I have felt bad about this. From this experience I learned that giving my time and talent is just as important in giving and that giving is not just about money. As a family we give of our time generously we do and will continue to do the following:

Participate in community activities and committees
Reach out to families struggling with addiction and eldercare issues
Donate things we do not use or need
Learn to identify our passions and what we are good at and act on it-I personally am wrestling with this as I reinvent my career which had stalled
And one we all really liked: Surprise someone with your presence. We are not yet sure who we will surprise but we will think about it.

10) FORGIVE-

This is one of the most powerful things on this list for us.
First we are all learning to forgive ourselves. We are not perfect but everyday we
are doing the best we can.

Forgiving others is a wonderful and healing experience. I practice this everyday and it is amazing and very freeing. Anger is a horrible emotion to carry around. It really feels good to forgive and I have learned that we can forgive just about everything.

Ask for forgiveness. For our family this is very important. We have also learned a valuable lesson….not everyone has the capacity to forgive and asking for forgiveness is something we do to cleanse ourselves. For people who do not have the capacity to forgive we practice other things on this to do list, we practice compassion and understanding and we pray for them…THAT is NOT easy! BUT it is part of forgiveness.

Practice compassion: understand that most of us are doing the best we can that day. When people to not act the way we would like them to act or appear to be unkind or unreasonable. Recognize that you may not be able to change them and that their behavior may not have anything to do with you. Exercise compassion and allow them to be who they are.

And our families final item, which is not in the Cliff notes: Accept ourselves as we are, acknowledge our strengths, and work everyday to improve ourselves.

Would love to hear your to do lists...

Warmest,

Hunter

I MISS HER SO-Excerpt from another blog

2007-10-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

In March of this year I started a journal about my mom. The first entry was written in March and was entitled "I miss her so" It's contents are below. The difference between now and then is that I can not go and see her.. But in some senses I am more with her now than before. Here is the entry:
from March 2007
I miss mom so very much. I see women 84 on TV with their minds in tact and I wonder why not my mom.....why...I see books and stories about mothers and daughters and how they talk everyday...I always talked to my mom everyday...I looked out for her for so many years after my dad died. We fought so very much and yelled and screamed...it was horrible.. But we loved so very much.. She always knew what I liked and what was best for me and always helped me. She loved to shop and always left out clothes for me on my bed that she thought would look good on me...They always did and I wore the heck out of them...Funny-I married someone who does the same thing. I guess I am lucky we shared this and I know I will always be grateful for the days and times we shared I will always wish there were more of them....It is springtime and as I look outside I see birds chirping and looking for food on the sill leafless trees. Springtime is rebirth and in so many ways my life is in rebirth this year. I pray i make the best of it."

Today it is not Springtime, it is Autumn. The leaves are resplendent in color and there is a gentle peace in our home. Mark has taken the afternoon off and is resting, our son is home and relaxing, and the rain is pelting down outside. It is a very strong rain-one that has swept most of the country and even caused several tornado's.

A dear friend of mine once told me that rain after a sad event, like the passing of a loved one, is a reminder from the Universe and God, that all is well. The rain makes everything clean and ready for a new start....In the case of the weather we have and are experiencing, I believe it is a powerful one from my mom and dad, and some other very famous and powerful personalities who have passed recently. A message that all is well but that we have to wake up and take care of our planet.

That's all for now..

Warmest,

Hunter

Reminder-First Year of Sobriety is EARLY Recovery

2007-10-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Again from Hunter,

I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother. No one will ever hug me again and let me know everything is OK in the reassuring way that she always did. I have a beautiful child and I am lucky that I can give that kind of love to him. I too need that love and sadly I have a husband who is sick who cannot be there for me in this way. He is still in early recovery and I don't quite understand it completely but all his energy goes into him not taking the first drink. I know from my program that I have to let things roll off my back, especially the many unkind and angry words he says and the hyper behavior...it is all part of recovery. BUT I am not a machine and I have feelings. I can only take so much before I explode. I need a bit of love and compassion -I lost my mother. I know that he does not quite understand this as he does not have this kind of close relationship wtih his mother. I do know that if his dad died tomorrow it would have a profound effect on him and it would hurt-hopefully he will have enough recovery under his belt not to drink. Anyway, I exploded yesterday and today. Unfortunately this did not change things....it never will. Today I am going to pray that I can find the right words and behavior to express my needs, my hurts, my disappointments, and I will pray that Mark is open enough to hear me.

Until later.

Hunter

Taking Care of Ourselves

2007-10-17T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hello-

Some readers my be wanting to know what happened to Mark. Answer: He is working....it is a new life and full of adjustments..Not only is he working, he is employing people in recovery helping them get back on track.....As Mark has not worked in many years he has been too busy to do much more than get to his meetings, go to work, eat dinner with his family and go to sleep...I will encourage him to write soon-promise.

My Alanon sponsor came to the store Mark works at on opening day...Her comment to me was "I have never seen Mark sober"...that in of itself is "sobering".

Anyway with my mom gone and Mark sober and working and our son enjoying a normal home life I am free to focus on me. I was given a gift to go away to a yoga retreat for a week where there are classes on integrative weight loss. I am getting my mind and self ready for this amazing trip and realize that I have an addiction to food and am just hitting my bottom-fortunately I do not weigh 300 pounds but could if I continue on the spiral I am on. Never the less I am confronting that I do not love myself. If I did my body and appearance would be important to me....it is not. I have spent a lot of time nurturing my soul recently and need to continue to do this work in order to be the best I can be. I look forward to this.

Hunter

My mom passed away

2007-10-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

I lost my best friend and mother on Sept. 26th at 9:30 am. She had Alzheimer's and for several years was not able to completely be the vibrant, feisty, wonderful lady that I was proud to be related to but always she was someone I was proud to be related to and adored with all my heart and soul. She was lucky to live in her own home surrounded by wonderful caregivers and to never be in a nursing home or assisted living facility (yuck, I do not like those places).

I am grateful to have a strong 12 step program and a husband who is truly sober and recovering mentally, spiritually, and physically and who is working.

I have had to deal with a family that is "nuts" for lack of a better word-my sister's husband never spoke a civil word to my mother, nor her to him, until she was mentally incapable of remembering. My sister, his wife, was the person who was given durable power of attny over my mothers affairs, and in effect he managed them with him over the years and continues to do so. This is hard for me as he hates me, in fact he did not say a word to me over the past few weeks except to tell me that in his eyes I am f-----g dead! What a nice guy!

On top of this my brother disapproved of my son being involved in my mom's funeral and we had serious words about this. My son was very close to his grandma and prior to her memorial service we spent a great deal of time with clergy and school psychologist discussing what was appropriate for him....AND I must say for an elementary school boy he handled things magnificently.

We were also unable to publish my mother's obituary in the newspapers because of something one of my family members did in the past! Unbelievable!

Thank God I have strong program and let all of this roll off my back...after all confronting it would not really serve any higher purpose or resolve things. Believe me it was not easy.

I also had to manage my husband during this time. He is still in early recovery (10 months) and has not seen my family in many years. They blame him for his past and have not yet forgiven him-nor do they really understand his disease..BUT my husband was terrific. He had a plan and a very strong 12 step recovery in place. He had his phone with him at all times, stayed closed to people in his program, watched over our son, and was a tremendous support and strength for me.

After the service we all went to my uncles for meal and to receive visitors. Mark, God bless him, he had a plan....although he was there to be there for me, he had to put his sobriety and helping another alcoholic above all else. At my uncles there were a lot of open bottles of wine and alcohol around, it was too much for him. He talked to me and asked if I was OK with him leaving. YES I said, nothing comes before your sobriety...I love you.

Thank G-d for good recovery and thank G-d we love each other and have made it to this point together.

I am grieving a lot and I miss my mom terribly. Our son who was very close to her is also missing her terribly. I am grateful he has our clergy to talk with and help him deal with this, they have been amazing.

I spoke at my mom's memorial. These are some of the words I said " My mother and I shared a closeness and love for one another that many people are never lucky enough to have with a parent…much less with someone as special as her. I learned so much from my mother. The biggest of these gifts was the capacity to love deeply, see the good in people, believe in the healing power of love, never give up on them, and to forgive. My mom excelled at this and it was one of the many things that made her so wonderful. It is hard to come to grips with Alzheimer’s and see someone so vibrant and bright not remember you or the legacy of their life. To help deal with this I recited this prayer often over the years. It is a prayer for Understanding and Learning from "Dis" ease and Illness

Illness and Disease can be either a fence or a gate.

As a fence, it divides,
Keeping people either in or out.

While protection is important, and may be necessary at times,
There is beauty on both sides.

As a gate, it joins,
Opening up new vistas,
New friendships,
And new knowledge.

Illness and "Dis"ease are not what we would have chosen for ourselves,
But they are what we have in our or our loved ones' lives.
Let us learn to see the gateways it provides
And to move through them
As the truly beautiful Images of God that we can be

I also must mention that I recited this prayer every day at the waters edge for one year praying for my husbands recovery....It worked.

On another topic Mark is opening a new store for his company this week. VERY EXCITING and VERY HIGH PROFILE. The day before my mom died I called her and although she could not verbalize that she knew who I was or what I was saying, I know she understood. I told her that Mark was working, truly sober, and that our son was having the best year of his life...I know she was happy and relieved...and I know this gave her the strength to let go and move on to the next phase of her spiritual life. I believe this is a good thing and that she is in a good place and that our life is due to get better and better every day.....

I am tired. Just wanted to write as it has been a while.

Hunter

"New Clothing"

2007-09-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy and doing so much computer work that time spent blogging on the computer has not been a high priority. BUT documenting our life together in the first year of recovery is important....we have turned a major corner.

Mark celebrated 9 months of solid recovery last week. It is a miracle. Today I am a wife and mother for the first time in our marriage. I have a husband who is at work and not around the house. He is sober. He calls to tell me he loves me. There is a paycheck from him and opportunity for a future.....This is new clothing for me....I like it.but it takes some getting used to.

It also makes the not so nice parts of my life easier. that would include calling my mom and having her not be able to talk to me and not knowing who I am. that is a pain that will always hurt. But in my new clothes I hope I can afford to go and see her and hold her hand.

I recently shared these thoughts with a friend of mine who is a well known and highly respected therapist, author, and TV personality. She is someone I admire and love dearly. She called me inspiring, which coming from her is a supreme compliment. Her comments brought a tear to my eye and are as follows:

"Hunter, YOU are an amazing person. You have stood by Mark when others (including me) questioned whether this was the healthiest choice for you and your son. It is a blessing to hear that you are happy and feeling fulfilled. You deserve to have the man you love acknowledge you in such a positive and reaffirming way. You are intent on creating a healing environment and I am sure you will continue to do that. You are inspiring.

She also commented on my experience with my mom and her disease of alzheimers and reminded me that my journey through the dark path of addiction and the road of recovery with Mark has taught me how to handle many situations. She wrote as follows:

"There are many ways to “feel” another person. When those we love go into other places and spaces and we don’t feel we can access them in the familiar ways (phone calls, physical recognition, etc.) we wonder if they can feel us; sense us when we are there with them. I believe they get our energy and know on some level that they are still connected. It just may be a different way and on a different plane. It is not always obvious (maybe never) but we must recall we are felt by the person. You have a lot of experience with patience and believing in someone who is not able to receive you as you present yourself (that would be Mark.) Now you are experiencing this again in a different way. You can still send your mom calming energy and see herself feeling at peace in the state she is in."

So that is where things are today. Mark is working, doing something he loves, and has a good future. I am working 2 part time jobs. Still not being treated fairly at one and having some compensation problems with the other. BUT both are expanding my experience and skill set, both are giving me training in new media and new industries, and both are putting me on a path to earning a lot of money in the future.

As part of my new clothing I am also learning to say what I mean in a nice way and mean it. I have been uncomfortable with my new boss and his philosophy on compensation. I am a contract, hourly employee and if I make a mistake in my work he makes me correct it on my dime and not charge him. Sometimes this takes 4-5 hours and I don't think this is fair. BUT I have a huge opportunity down the road with him and in the industry that he is teaching me so for today I am willing to manage this. Sadly it has affected my work ethic and instead of working anytime night or day from home, weekends, and holidays, I am now only willing to invest a certain amount of time. His behavior has caused me to stop thinking and acting like an owner of the business and instead to behave like a contract employee who is expendable.......It boggles my mind that so many people are clueless at how to motivate people...But I do know that I have a voice and today I told my new boss that it took me 5 hours to redo a project and during the course of this I discovered errors that he made. I told him that I think it is fair for me to bill him for some of my time and told him I would bill him for 1 hour...I am still being overly generous here, but it was hard for me to ask for this and I am glad I did..I pray he is OK with it.......I do not like nickel and diming people and like it even less when they nickel and dime me....

What bout being able to take deep breaths....Today as we try out our new clothing we stil have major financial troubles, including a home in foreclosure and many unpaid bills. But today we do not have to change up soda cans to buy gas in the car and live off food stamps as there is some money coming in....I saw a movie last night called Conversations with God...It frightened me that my family was almost as bad off as the lead character who lost his home, lived in a tent and had to find food in dumpsters to eat...The main character wrote a book "Conversations with God" and received a million dollars advance and it became an overwhelming best seller. The message dealt wtih humility. When he got the money he helped those who were there for him and still poor, and in the end although he now had no more money troubles he was one with the homeless man he once was. I feel this message and I feel this character. I feel that our life will turn around and that money will not be an issue in the future. BUT I/we will always be one with the people we had to become when there was sickness and no money...Not everyone is like this, including my sister who I love dearly.

My sister is in charge of my mother's money since mom has Alzheimer's and is in later stages. Mom's philosophy was always to give to those in need and give whatever they needed. This is not my sisters. Her philosophy is that there are 4 children and everything should be distributed equally. My sister is a wonderful person and I love her very much but I have a problem with her attitude on this subject. It is not my place to take her inventory but I do know that I would be much more Godlike in my behavior it the tide was turned..She owns two homes outright and winters in one and summers in the other, her kids want for nothing, she and her husband drive new Mercedes or whatever car they want every 2 years and all their kids have new cars, she owns artwork worth millions, she has beautiful jewelry and can buy whatever she needs and most things she wants. My family has lived below the Federal poverty level for past few years.....during this time financial help from my family was denied and I was told I was already give too much..So instead she and my siblings each received distributions of 20,000.....IF I was in her position and she in mine I would have given her my share and been glad about it.....It boggles my mind.....

But I guess that is what my very hard experience has taught me and I guess that is why someone I greatly respect has called me an inspiration. I guess that is why I believe all will be OK and instead of freaking out I am calm and steady.

I like these new clothes and I like my Starbucks coffee that I can afford once again to treat myself to in the morning. I pray that financial abundance comes my my not because I worship money but because I believe in God and the good in the universe and want to give in every way I can...and on this earth money helps and enables me to help myself, my family, and many others.

Hunter

THE SINKING FEELING IN MY STOMACH UPON SEEING A POLICE CAR THIS MORNING ON MY STREET

2007-08-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter. This morning as I took my son to the bus stop I saw a police car behind his school bus. My heart sunk through my stomach. Police cars used to be a regular fixture at our house during Mark's active days. Now, as we are clearing out the wreckage of the past and still haunted by financial problems and missed papers in the mail a police car scars the crap out of me. I never want anymore trouble-especially with the police. So when the police car went past my house and kept on moving a huge sigh of relief could be echoed by me throughout our homw.

Mark and I have both been so busy that neither of us has had time to blog. But important for quick update. Our behaviors continue to change in positive ways. Mark still acts out sometimes, especially as he is adjusting to a life transition of working-responsible living. He likes his work, does not make a lot of money but is doing something he loves...the money will come but he is not used to working and it is a transition. So, he takes his frustrations out on me-something he has been used to doing for some time during his active days and something I accepted (God knows why). Today I no longer accept verbal abuse and tirades and I have a voice to defend myself that is not shrill and shouting. It is a calm voice, one that says how I feel, one that rejects verbal abuse, and one that sets boundaries. I am proud of this. I am also grateful to see the one day at a time changes in Mark. He is becoming a better listener (not great yet) and acknowledges, upon reflection, when he has upset me, and I know is working toward getting better at expressing his feeling and identifying what they are.

I can not write more now, my eyes hurt from the computer. I am working 2 jobs and one is entirely dependent on the computer-a killer on the eyes. I have never had to work so many hours for so little money-I pray I can get back to where I was one day and do more challenging work.

Ok by for now. Very tired. Mark at a meeting toinight. I will gently remind him to blog soon. It has been a while.

LIFE IF BECOMING MORE NORMAL-WHATEVER THAT HIS

2007-08-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

Quick blog from Hunter..Here is where we are at today. I wake up to the sound of Mark on the phone working. YES!!! This is familiar to me as this is what my dad did, my uncle did, and all other successful business people I know. About time for him to be BACK on track.. It isg reat to see the sparkle in Mark's eye. Work is fun when you are doing something you like and appreciated...I am liking my second job a lot. I am appreciated in this job, unlike the other part time job I have. I still don't love the work but it is good for today..And best of all is that we don't have to return soda cans to find money to fill the car up with gas. Hard to believe we have lived this way but we have...it is scary.

ON another NORMAL note. My sister, and 2 nieces and one nephew-all in their 20's and 30's, except for my sister who is much older than me, came to our home for a family barbeque and reunion. This was the first time our famioy has done this as all my siblings are dysfunctional in one way or another. BUT their kids are GREAT. Getting all of us together minus one niece and her kids, one nephew and one sister, was amazing.AND best of all we ALL want to to it again next year. AND best of all it made a HUGE difference that my husband was sober. So all good on that front.

Anyway-I have to get to work as I only get paid by the hour and need the money.

later..

Hunter..

P.S. Some have asked if they acan post a link to our blog from theirs..ABSOLUTELY YES! Just let me know and when I don't feel so overwhelmed and technically challenged I will add yours to our blog.

keep blogging

2007-08-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

Mark still an Alcoholic

I have almost given up on my blogging but I must remember that it is important to stay in touch so others can join me in my recovery ,you know it is not good not to blog just because things are starting to go well so I make amends to all and will tell you my recent experience strenght and hope.

As you know I am a chronic relapser !good news I am still sober I have attended daily meetings at least two a day . I am doing well with recovery and I am now working and that is a miracle!

Let me tell you what I am doing I am working for a company run by people in recovery a true gift I wont use the name yet ,we worked with recycled luxury product and the ultimate profit goes to a twelve step programme .

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is living in the real world ,the first event I was at was a booze fest I am extremely fortunate that my boss is in recovery and other fellows in my meetings were at the event.I have had the obsession lifted from me but I must never forget I am still as close to a drink as when I stooped .

The meetings in the bank are great but it is deadly important that I continue with daily meetings .My recovery has to come first and working with other recovering people is great my direct boss the president of the company is in recovery and he understands me .I have been running a lot of meetings lately and I have many commitments to the programme ,I truly enjoy my recovery and I am blessed with new beginnings .I am however reminded daily by Hunter that the damage needs to be delt with I think this is truly a problem for recovery as you have to take responsibility for your actions and that's tough.

I am starting to get a little grounded and some serenity however I do still act out and need to work with my sponsor although he is a moody bastard to learn to live ,understand and be aware of others .

The true gift is knowing I don't have to drink any more and that I have a plan that my higher power is running and not me it seems to work better that way. The real gift is in the family recovery and the making of new friends which is great when I was drinking I really did not have any true friends. Friends from the rooms bring me lunch ,coffee we talk and we are all smart guys it really amazes me what happens to the great minds when we put poison in the system.

I am going to break now because I am at work what a great thing I have many more things to tell but most of all try for today not to pick up that first drink!its that one that starts the chaos!

Thanks Mark alcoholic!

Good Orderly Direction and OK

2007-08-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter.

Living in a relationship with a partner in recovery gets better each month they are sober. I talked with Mark today about his behaviour a few months ago when my family sent a check for our son so he could get a Wii. I never received the check-Mark cashed it and threw away the note without showing it to us or telling us. His recovery back then was to spend the money on things we needed and not to feed his addiction. Today with additional months of sobriety he would not cash the check. He would give it to us and show us the note. It was horribly embarrassing when this happened a few months ago...I am grateful we are past that stage. Actually things are so much better and more normal today that I sometimes wonder how much better can it get...I look forward to the wonderful surprises in store for the future.

I started a new part time job to supplement my other one and worked a few hours this weekend. I am working with someone in their home. It is incredible to be in a peaceful family environment...Although I currently live in one, it is still hard for me to believe that this is normal for most people. Anyway I like my new job and the person I work for and I believe it will move me in a Good Orderly Direction in my career.

SO What is GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION???? It means much more to me today than it did in the past. In general Good Orderly Direction (acronym GOD) means things are moving in the right direction, according to God's plan, and life is getting better one day at a time...OR life is good and going well....

What does it mean when we say we are OK? It means things are not so great but we are accepting them as they are. OR I wish things were different but won't really tell you how bad it is....

I pray that things continue on in our life on the GOD path rather than the OK path..

Sometimes I think when people say things are OK they are not grateful for what they have and always looking for the next best thing. When things are on the Good Orderly Directio path they have accepted what they have and not what they don't have and are moving forward with their lives rather than standing still.

Until tomorrow

Hunter.

P.S. Mark is promising to blog tonight...Shall we bet on it?????

NEW BEGINNINGS

2007-08-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Short blog from Hunter...

I am exhausted.! But in a good way. I started a second part time job today-this one is in a field that I have wanted to explore and with a growth opportunity. Best is that the pay is 2x as much as my other part time job. Even better news is that Mark started a new job today!!!!!!!!! This is a true miracle and a milestone on our road to recovery.

I know so much is going to get better now that we are both working...And best of all we are both doing things we enjoy. Mark full time and me part time, which works well for me as I do want to have the flexibility to be there for our son.

I have also been invited to sit on a state panel to help evaluate how the state is spending its resources helping adults 18 and over with addiction programs. In a word I think money should be spent in areas that it is not at present-including training people in the courts and family services about addiction and recovery. I have many ideas and I hope that this new role will

help make a difference.

Thank you to all of you who have been sending us prayers. Please keep sending them, we are not out of the woods yet in terms of financial difficulties but we are on the right track. I also firmly believe that prayers are not answered until those who the prayers are meant for are truly open and ready to receive....It is amazing what does happen when we open ourselves to healing.

On another matter Mark and I need to work on communication. I am much further along in my 12 step recovery than Mark and am much less angry. I know when to just let things go and not take them to heart..He does not yet know how to to do this. It creates tremendous tension on a daily basis as he overreacts to everything. BUT the good thing is that we continue to talk about these things and he is aware....He is excited and nervous about his new work-I have to stay calm and help him be balanced... Luckily he is surrounded by strong program and friends in the program and his new boss is in recovery....Does not get much better than that for a new transition! God is truly looking out for us.

Until tomorrow.

Hunter

Don't Engage

2007-08-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

Fairly uneventful weekend....except for finding out there is no money in the bank...Will have to find out what is going on Monday. This time it is not Mark's fault. Although as a recovering alcoholic he thinks everything his his fault. Mark projects a lot of his anger and bad feelings onto me and our son and acts out terribly. But as I have have said before I understand what it is...he talks about it and calms down and stops the behavior...I stand up for myself and also learn when to just not engage as it is useless and the episode is meaningless. When things calm down I discuss and slowly things are getting better. mark carries his AA big book everyplace with him. He is serious about this recovery and I am proud of him... We are enjoying more and more good family time together....All getting better one day at time..

That's it...short blog as not much to say. I hope Mark blogs soon. I know he is thinking about it.

Regards,

Hunter

Learing from our Past, Putting Things to Rest, and Moving Forward

2007-08-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter.

The past few days have been draining. I have courageously revisited the life I have lived over the past few years - this time from a place of strength and health. Why have I revisited my past???? To help heal the 1 in 25 children under 18 (25%) who grow up in homes where there is active alcoholism or addiction.

The town I live in is rich. Rich in resources, rich in human kindness, rich in its commitment to helping people in recovery, and rich in beauty. Our son has had the benefit of an amazing school system and school psychologist who have nurtured him and given him the tools to survive and thrive in a home that was run amok from the affects of alcoholism. Our son has a mom who was not embarrassed to let the school know what was happening at home. End result-our son has a voice and knows when he is powerless and when he is not.

By way of example-Mark was having a bad day recently (this happens to all of us and more so to those in early recovery). Mark was acting up and told us that we are going to make him go out and start drinking again. I did nothing as if he chooses to do this I can not stop him and I explained this to our son. Our son looked at me and said "Mom there is something I CAN do and I am going to do it now". He stood up, went to his dad, threw his arms around his dad and told him how much he loved him, how proud of him he is and how wonderful it is that he is sober, and looked at him square in the eyes and asked him to please not drink, and to please continue his commitment to sobriety as he loves his new life and all the wonderful things that are happening now that daddy is sober. SO with that Mark, with tears in his eyes stopped acting out. And with that I became more determined to help other kids learn to manage their lives when all else seems unmanageable.

So what did I do? A friend from NACoA (National Association for Children of Alcoholics http://www.nacao.org/) came to my town and spent 2 days in meetings with me to discuss their programs and the logistics for organizing a run for the children in our town. I told my story over and over again, and even joked with her saying that I have friends in high places-police, domestic violence, DCF, Town Hall, etc...Most of the police in this town know me and my family by face and first name as they have been to our home in the past. They did comment how good it was to see me in a healthy place and that we are very lucky all worked out as it did-it is rare. At Domestic Violence Crisis Center we visited with the counsellor who placed my son and me in a shelter in the past and moderated a support group that I attended. She was shocked to see me and elated to see that my life, my marriage, and my family are happy and healthy. Rarely does she see that kind of success story and most of the time people come in crisis and disappear. BUT this was VERY draining to me at the end of each day. I had succeeded in acknowledging what I went through, shared my experience and recovery, and made a commitment to help others (steps 4-12 in action!).

I am now excited about this project I will be working on and I hope that it will open up some doors for me professionally as well. I heard one thing from the many I spoke to who were there for me in crisis and her again for me to help me help others. All of them said "Hunter, one thing at a time. You are on the right path...all will work out. And in the words of someone who was very special to me in the past "Don't worry Hunter. Life will deal you a fair hand"....I carry those words with me always and think of this person with a smile...
-Hunter

P.S. Mark and I have both not blogged in a while. A lot going on. I will encourage Mark to blog later today.

POWERLESS AND POWERFULL

2007-07-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter. Family doing well in recovery. I am learning everyday to not react to many of mark's "isms" and he is learning how to handle himself better..All in all a miracle.

Learning the difference between being powerless and powerful is a huge part of recovery. Letting others control our behavior is giving away our power. Believing what others say or think, especially when it is unkind or hurtful, is also giving away our power. An honest personal inventory of ourselves, including identifying strength is powerful and through this exercise, and trying on new behaviours as a result we can recognize our power and be powerful. We will still always be powerless over people, places, and things, BUT we will be able to recognize when we have the ability to change a situation.

For me I have had to learn to to not be angry but calm and to speak up for myself in a factual and respectful manner when things to do not go my way. Also it means looking at situations that do not go my way and asking myself if they were truly right for me.

This has happened a lot in my job search and this week took a lot out of me as I addressed a problem I had at work and stood up for myself. My supervisor wrongfully accused me of "wasting company time". I have so many accolades from clients and have done so much above and beyond my job description that I was furious. This also was an affront to my ethics and after all I have been through with addiction in my family I know better than to waste company time and never would. So I wrote up all my accomplishments and asked that they be added to my file and resolved the situation with the head of HR and company CFO. It hen addressed some other issues I was having problems with and all were resolved in a positive way. IT took so much out of me to stand up for myself in the right way...

Again I had to stand up for myself today...This time with Mark. He behaved and spoke to me in an unkind way this morning and I reacted badly and said a lot of things that upset him. He had a terrible day as a result. When he shared this with me I apologized to him for my unkind words and let him know I understand how he felt as many times over the years he has ruined my days, and I have been immobilized and left me in tears by unkind words and actions brought on by alcoholic behavior and even today he said things that were unkind. However, I am further along in my recovery and can usually tune the unkind words out...BUT today I have had enough. I will not tolerate the unkind words I want a better life and I want our marriage to work. He says things like "I don't give a shit if we stay married". He really does not mean this and it hurts. I surely don't want to put effort into a relationship where someone feels this way and I never want to hear it from someone who is in a committed relationship with me...It is abusive....So my new behavior makes me speak up and not tolerate this behavior. Unfortunately Mark yells and I sometimes react ( I used to react all the time) and unkind words get said in between.

Tonight I am angry because we still have no money, can't pay our bills, much less afford to go to the movies or out. There is a free concert tonight under the stars with a great dance band and I wanted us all to go. I am sick of doing things alone with our son and I need to have some fun with my husband to rebuild our relationship. I am sick an tired of working, cooking dinner, watching TV, staying in, and not having the things that I spent most of my life taking for granted (housekeeper, gardener, bills that were paid, manicure and pedicures, monthly massage or facial money in the bank, good job, vacations, new clothes and shoes, trips to toysrus for our son, movies, weekly dinners out,etc...I lived a somewhat privliledged life)...I have had to give all this up and now live at teh federal poverty level-applying for food stamps and aid! I need to have some fun.....And it sucks that he cannot do this for me......I know that meetings and recovery come first, but at some point I expect him to not be so selfish...and I am speaking up. I spoke up calmly before he left to go to his evening AA meeting and shared my feelings. I said he does not like to see me upset and offered to go to a concert with me on another night. It will not be tonight and I will be upset tonight...But I really like this band and I will go with our son...same as I did last year and the year before, and the year before....I am powerless over him and powerful over me..I will go and have fun and he will know how I feel. And maybe, just maybe, he will come back from his meeting in a good mood and agree to go for a while...That would be "music" to my ears and end a tough week for me in a good way.

So I am exhaused and sad and hope to go out with my son to enjoy the music at 9pm tonight..I hope I will be able to drag myself and not get mired in laziness and self pity as I really enjoy doing this...Right now I feel like I am going to die before I have a chance to enjoy life......I am sad and pray it all gets better very soon.

On a positoive note my new friend from the NACoA is coming to town on Sunday to work with me on plannning an event to benefit children who grow up in homes with addiction...I have set up some great meetings for us for next week and hopefully this will lift my spirits as it reminds me of what I can do-something I do not get to do at my menial job and something I can not seem to get someone to pay me for...

Signed Hunter-feeling gloomy

Courage

2007-07-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

From Hunter

On Friday's Mark runs and AA meeting in our town. I always ask him what his topic is and today he said it was going to be on today's Hazelden Thought for the Day. I read Today's thought (below) and it struck me how much courage I have needed to get through my live over the past few years.

I have used a lot of my courage to deal with an active alcoholic and most recently in the challenges I have been facing in the workplace. I have had an interested revelation over past few days-I give my power away and do not stand up for myself. In the past I was very angry so flailing about and being mad is how I handled things. Of course this is rarely effective. I then sucked up whatever people said and took it as truth. This too was rarely effective. Today I listen first and then ask myself what is right for me...what is my truth based on principles of honest and responsible living. When my truth does not match that of others I do my best to find the courage to stand up for myself.

A message I get in a lot in the workplaces is that I don't fit in. I have been grieving over this lately "what is wrong with me"...NOTHING is WRONG with ME!!!! I am looking in the wrong places and must do something different. I had a conflict with my boss who accused me of wasting company time recently. I am ans was furious as she gave me a written warning. First of all I am only a part timer. Secondly the day she gave me this warning I received praised from a client who though my work was outstanding... hardly sounds like someone who wastes company time. Message-this is the wrong culture for me and she has issues..BUT in the workplace I must learn to get along with others, just as I must in the world. This takes courage.

I have also reflected this morning on the life our son has had. I am blessed that he is happy and I am blessed that his school has given him such incredible nurturing, love, and support. I have in my mind thought through the horrors he has lived through during the active years of drinking watching his dad rage at me and at him and verbally abuse us; frequent visits to our home by the police; DCF involvement in our lives; living in a shelter with me during the worst of it (as I did not have the courage to ask my husband to leave-I left instead and moved into a shelter); inability to focus and concentrate on work in the home; a house that has been in constant state of chaos and so much more. A real nightmare. I must give myself some credit as I constantly sought help for him and myself, attended Alanon, and slowly acted in a courageous fashion...AND today I am Grateful that we no longer have this nightmare in our home and we are all together and blessed with a peaceful home.

There are many ore challenges ahead-especially financial. But all will come together. I have to have faith..And for today right now I am going to this job where I am not appreciated-I must be proactive and take control and change this situation I must do this by doing something different. This is hard but I will do my best and be COURAGEOUS and PATIENT....even thought my patience is wearing thin.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:Courage and PatienceCourage is not grim determination, boastful arrogance, or uncontrolled aggression. True courage comes from quiet conviction, which shows itself in self-control, calm assurance, and patient persistence.It takes courage, for example, to resist lashing back at others who hurt or offend us. It takes courage to endure the consequences of our attitudes, actions, and neglects without bragging or complaining. It takes courage to believe no situation or person is hopeless. It takes courage to remain optimistic about life when nothing seems to turn out right. It takes courage to maintain our enthusiasm and effort despite delays and setbacks. It takes courage to do the things we know are right in spite of our fears of rejection or inadequacy. And it takes courage to refrain from taking over a loved one's responsibilities when he or she is failing to meet them.Today, I will face life with courage. I will respond calmly and confidently to life's challenges. I will place my faith and trust in God and the principles I am learning in this philosophy of living.

ups and downs

2007-07-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic,

I must say I am going to blog more. Getting out my feelings is good for me and its a lot better than $150 and hour for a therapist! You know that AA is an amazing gift. You really can go to a meeting and listen or share. To be in a room, lunch today 120 people, all who understand each other it really is something. I can't believe I used to hate it...an amazing turn around.

I just received a ridiculous e-mail birthday card from my parents and my two brothers. They are all at my father's on holiday and apparently they wish I was there with them . Well that's a crock of bull. But as I have a program I can deal with it. I guess it is still sad that families are so messed up. I don't think this has anything to do with me. I was at a meeting yesterday and a friend said Mark just take care of your stuff...they are not your problem.

As a sensitive Alcoholic these things do effect me but as my sponsor tells me this too shall pass. I have just returned from my third meeting today. I guess I am getting addicted to meetings. I don't think it will always be this way but for now I have time to do it and it really is helping.

So, tomorrow is my birthday and I feel strong. Last year on my birthday I was checking into rehab. This year it will be good to be home around my wife, son, and dog. I pray for things to get better in our life but today I must be grateful to be alive, sober, and becoming a better human being on my journey to a new life!

I wanted to share two new prayers I am using:

First The Surrender Prayer .

I surrender to you my entire life,o God.
I have made a mess of it,trying to run it myself.
You take it-the whole thing-and run it for me.
According to your will and plan.

The second is the My Design Prayer .

God my purpose is to help others.
Give me this work.
Till my life shall end .
And life
Till my work is done.

I like these and I hope you do to0.

Thanks.

Mark Alcoholic.

riding with music in nature

2007-07-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic ,

Sorry it has been a while. I have been very busy with meetings and recovery. I know my wife wants me to blog about all kinds of stuff but the fact is I am a very chronic relapser and I can't go back to that ever!

I was told many times that recovery is the single most important thing today in my life and that if I stay on track everything will fall into place and the promises will come true. I don't know if that's true...all I do know is I must stay strong, have faith, and trust in my sponsor and those who have gone before me. I do know I don't want the old ways back.

There is tremendous struggle in our life and I am amazed we are still married but like my wife I do believe in sickness and in health and it's about working it out. Believe me I did not plan this way of life at my age. I want to be the provider and a good man. My sponsor tells me its all about time! My wife tells me it's about time!!!!

I ride my bike to all my meetings and I really enjoy the freedom riding in the summer, the breeze, and the smells of nature...all things I never enjoyed when active ! I play my music on the ipod and I sing along. I am sure many people I ride past think I am nuts. I am just an alcoholic on a bike going to a meeting. That's all I am today and I am proud of it.

It really is a wonderful feeling being truly sober. I am much healthier and I am now back to playing tennis. The recovery process is a long one. One of our famous members shared this morning that it takes a full 7 years for the body's cells to be fully changed. This means that there will not be an alcoholic cell will be in the body after 7 years, but I will always be an alcoholic! So I am going to keep going.

Tomorrow is my birthday and on this exact day last year I was being admitted to Arms Acres Rehab for detox. Tomorrow I will be on my bike in recovery and on my way to my big book meeting. That's the promises and that's a bloody miracle.

Thanks ,

Mark Alcoholic...Don't quit before the miracle!.

NORMAL

2007-07-17T05:35:00.001-07:00

Many would find it hard to believe that if feels amazing to be "normal". To have the calmness in the house and in my head to get up and make lunch for my son, take him to camp, pick him up, cook dinner for my family and sit down as a family to eat it and not have any craziness or screaming and yelling or chaos. NORMAL. I LOVE living a NORMAL life and can't wait for teh next chapter in normalcy-hopefully this will include financial security!

Peace and Love,

Hunter

Getting on with Life

2007-07-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

Interesting that mark blogs more about his recovery and less about our relationship. He is so very sensitive and overreacts to everything. I am aware that he is in conflict and so is he as he appologizes frequently. IN some ways this reminds me of the drinking days when he used to appologize every morning and say he does not not want to drink and then fall apart duringthe day. BUt I know this is different as I know he is truly focused on his recovery, is changing slowly each day, and recovery takes time. I ask myself a lot why I want to stick this out. I believe in marriage and "in sickness and in health". He is on the road to health and I have stuck by him all this time...I will continue to as I love him and he is a good man. BUt it is not easy and recovery takes time.....

I am grateful for the more peaceful environment we now have at home and I am seeing behavior in our son that needs to be dealt with. Today the house is calm enough to deal with it....BUt Mark still acts out and it is upsetting to me and our son and has to be dealt with...Our son has had poor role models in terms of anger and expressing needs for most of his life and it is now time to work on undoing this damage.

This is the type of damage that kids who live with active addicts-alcoholics or drug addicts are subject to. I learned recently that 1 i 4 children under the age of 18 live in a house where there is alcoholism or drug abuse. It is a huge problem and is not given enough attention. Recently I have started volunteering with a non-profit called NaCoa (National Council for Children of Alcoholics www.nacoa.org). NaCoa's mission is to help raise awareness and provide the education, tools and resources to help kids cope, survive, and thrive through this kind of situation. One big area is to help these kids concentrate and do well in school and to help them not repeat this addictive behavior themselves. I am going organized a road race or marathon in the Northeast where the group does not have a presence and am very excited about this project. Mark too is going to get involved and we are going to enlist support an dpartidipation of the many people in AA, Alanon, and Alateen taht we know.

More later....Hunter

adversity in sobriety

2007-07-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic.

Good week tons of meetings no drinking ,strange I don't drink any more ,got arrested no problem something from last year failure to appear really just dealt with it sober ,its a good feeling.

I know I am starting to understand recovery I really have taken the personalities out of recovery and I stay in touch with the programme,the big book ,the steps,prey and meditate ,it works if you work it ,there are to many movie stars to many opinions for this simple programme that's how I do it.

I really have started to believe that this is a new way of living for today!I have seen so much devastation again this week families seizures this is a very serious disease and AA is teaching me to handle it and teaching me how to live.

I still need to be very aware that I am as close to a drink as anybody else and I cannot afford to relapse ,I am not bullet proof I am in recovery and I am granted a daily reprieve from drinking and I must remember the old days !

Thanks Mark Alcoholic.

BUMPS ALONG THE ROAD

2007-07-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

I got a call from Mark this morning from the county jail. Apparently last year when he was drunk and in a blackout he was arrested for disorderly conduct and failed to appear in court. Bond is $500. Thank God he called his sponsor first and not me. And thank God his sponsor can afford to bail him out. I feel really sad that this is happening, but it truly has nothing to do with me.

I called the police station to let Mark know I got his message. It is a weird feeling to have the officer who answered the phone know me and remember coming out to my house! It is horrible to remember all the times that happened. It is also a bit eerie for the police to know that if mark was still drinking I would have thrown him out.

It was wonderful to say to the officer that Mark is 7 months sober and a miracle and to share with him how wonderful our son is doing. It was also wonderful to hear the calmness in Mark's voice when he spoke to me from the jail. Responsible and accepting the consequences of his actions and this dreadful disease.

I shared this experience with my sponsor and in her words "Sobriety is a SHI& STORM for everyone! Thank God for all that is good. He will be fine. He has to face the music before he can really enjoy it. Its all part of the plan..."

I am grateful that things are moving in the right direction...I just pray our financial house comes together very very very very soon before we lose everything.

Hunter

CROSSROADS

2007-07-10T16:09:00.000-07:00

Getting unstuck is life's journey and part of recovery. Living with a recovering alcohlic is not easy. The anger is so very hard to deal with. I do realize that in my recovery I have let go of a huge anger problem I had. I have learned to "roll with the punches" and not get bogged down in why or why not something happened. I do my best to use each experience as a learning experience and move on. I have also learned that I will not accept unacceptable behavior. I taught our son recently a trick I learned in alanon about dealing with alcoholics-it says that when the crazy part of an alcohlic flies into a rage we should picture them as someone in an insane asylum with bars in front of them. He has started to do this when his dad rages...It has helped..especially because he loves his dad so much and can't understand the evil side. I too have a hard time as Mark treats me like a piece of dirt with his anger. He rages at me, accuses me of being horrible and unloving. If I took him seriously I would be a basket case-and was for many years. I am NOT unloving or horrible. I have stuck by mark through thick and thin. I am GOOD wife and a good woman and I deserve to be loved and treated as such. So I don't buy into his rages and I keep the focus on me. He is in early recovery still and has a lot to deal with. I am in a new phase of recovry for me and must focus on me, my goals as aperson, and my recovery. I need to work but I need to do what will work for me. That is something that is local, no commuting and no trafffic and little travel-and financially rewarding enough to allow me to travel and enjoy life. I am doing a lot of owrk on this as a result of a workshop I recently attended.....Working on this is taking away from my blogging time....but I will share tidbits as they come up. Today's tidbits-affirmations...Positive statements about ourselves that we repeat and visualize really work.....

keep the faith

2007-07-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic,

I must continue with my recovery. This is a very tricky time for me. I am enjoying being sober but as always I want more and I want it now .

I am working my program but I am not a spring chicken and I have much to offer the business world ,unfortunately at this moment in time it is not to be.

I have to keep the faith and continue to believe God has a plan for me although I am also Great believer in time waits for no man and you can pray to God but you must also row to shore .

I hate waiting and having my life in other peoples hands. This is a program of action and I must do more as I continue with this journey !

I had a nice weekend with my wife and son and for that I am grateful but there is more to be done and I must take more action. I am responsible for my own sobriety and I am also responsible for my own life and future and when I stand before my maker I am responsible for how I have chosen to run my life .

Thanks Mark Alcoholic.

A LOOK AT SERENITY

2007-07-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter

My financial life is a disaster and by all indicators I should be a complete basket case...But I am serene. I am grateful for all the support I have found in this town and I am grateful for the recovery and personal growth that both Mark and I are having-individually and as a couple. I feel blessed and believe that we have something that many people never will....Both of us must get on track financially and it is time to look at the world differently in that respect.

I have suffered a lot of rejection in the work world. I have been looking outside myself. This weekend I attended a woman's workshop and have taken away some excellent tools. I will start this next week looking within myself and hopefully will identify the next right thing and start to make money.....I know there is something inside and I believe I can be successful, I just have to find it-stay tuned-this will take some time.

Mark and I getting along OK. We watched an old movie this weekend about alcoholism called "The Lost Weekend". This is a very powerful film and I think it is hard to understand that the character who is the alcoholic, and the girl who loves him so much, represent reality. In fact, unless someone has lived through this dreadful illness I think it may be impossible to understand. Mark was as bad, maybe even worse, than the star of the film and I, like Lois Wilson, have stood by him.

We spent the weekend at the beach and it was terrific. I feel blessed that we live in a town with a wonderful beach and good resources.

Until next time.......Hunter

soften the heart

2007-07-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

I am Mark alcoholic,

Not blogged for a while been busy at tons of AA meetings .I am doing well in recovery I have 202 days today !that is the longest I can remember without alcohol in my system.

I have been to a few events as my wife has mentioned and I am lucky that the obsession has bean lifted which means that the compulsion does not get a chance to start this means great things to an alcoholic you see if I don't put alcohol in my system I don't get cravings ,it is that first drink that gets us and we are of to the races .

I have been to a few parties no major problems I have all the tools in place my phone lists sponsor support ,and always an exit strategy !I must have a way out. I still judge people a little ,how can that guy have two beers / why bother ? you see not everybody is an alcoholic!I am learning a great deal about myself it is amazing to truly be born again to get to know myself .I have a great journey in front of me without alcohol inside me I truly believe I can achieve anything ,what I have to remember is that alcohol is everywhere and I have to be very vigilant.

I put so much work into recovery it amazes me how easy it is to destroy it all with the first drink.I have seen yet again more close friends try it ,believe me it was not a pretty sight!.

I am starting to work on my anger issues and step 10 when wrong promptly admit it!. I have to do a lot more blogging tomorrow ,get back into it .I notice a comment on the site about bi polar ,we alcoholics when active have bi polar tendencies but for this alcoholic I believe bi polar means some one in AA who drank at the North pole and the South pole !I am also learning to be kinder and more loving and starting to come from a place of understanding with Hunter she is a great girl!

Until tomorrow and more real stuff.

Thanks Mark alcoholic.

projecting

2007-07-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

Mark is in a bad way past few days. Good thing is that he tells me in advance he is in a bad way. Bad thing is that he is driving me a bit crazy..He keeps saying "you don't have to get so angry". Truth is I am NOT angry at all and don't act angry....This is projecting..He is the angry one and he is trying to deal with his anger...I am fine...Hmmm..I know there is an acronynism for FINE but I don't want to go there right now-

I am tired but do want to write tomorrow about a personality profile i had to do for a job application. I was grateful they sent me a copy. I am pretty terrific by the sounds of this report.......Hmmmm wonder why I am not getting the work......

Until tomorrow...Hunter, who is NOT angry but FINE -

HAPPY JULY 4TH

2007-07-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

Weather is crappy today and my mood is reflecting it. I lost out on yet another fabulous job today after making it through 2 rounds of interviews with 8 people. It was determined I would not be a good fit...I do not know exactly what that means and I wonder what his wrong with me...I don't seem to fit in anyplace...I have asked my friend who got me the interview for specific feedback so that I can learn from the experience and she has been kind enough to to this...but I am not sure I would have done anything different. Anyway it was a crushing blow for me as I thought this would be a dream job and was excited...BUt I guess not. I am asking my higher power for guidance and will do my best to continue moving forward....I was proactive in that I applied for a career counseling scholarship program and qualified for 3 sessions. I will begin them the end of this month.

My sister, gave me a huge compliment today stating that my ability to handle adversity and still be positive and not fall apart is an inspiration. Great to be an inspiration but I'd like to inspire myself! Today I am lazy-the house is a mess and I have been in bed all day....I have not excercised and I have eaten junk food all day!

I don't always behave this way, so I guess it is ok once in a while-especially when the weather it terrible. I feel as though often I say the wrong things-not meaning to I just do....

My husband has a terrific step book he uses which I read through today. I am going to use some of the excercises in it for myself.

On happy note we all went to fireworks on teh beach last night and met some new friends..Mark came by bike so he could leave early and we were able to deal with another social situation in a good way.

Something good should happen this week....time will tell. I have not seen much of Mark today and he just returned home from his third AA meeting early to be with me...until tomorrow.

Hunter

Firsts

2007-06-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

Yesterday we went to a party together. This is the first party mark has gone to since he has been sober...usually I do things alone. There was a lot of alcohol readily available. He did not slip and he had a good time. I also did not worry about him slipping. It was terrific.

The party was hosted by an Alanon friend of mine and there were a lot of people there whom I knew from meetings I went to a long time ago. It was good to see them, and since all of them met me when things were at their worst, it was great to share with them my progress as a person and our family as as a sober together unit.

I am filled with gratitude this week for the wonderful town I am still fortunate enough to live in. Our son is in a wonderful camp for the summer on full scholarship-this camp includes ocean study, golf, tennis, swimming, and other sports...he is a lucky boy and we are lucky to be the recipients of this gift of kindness. The town has also arranged for passes for us to the beach fireworks next week which are always awesome...and our home is filled with fresh food weekly. In addition our entire family is on the state insurance program-and we are getting incredibly good care. My knee has been hurting a lot lately-yesterday with no referral necessary I called a doctor and was seen immediately....I can not always say the state program has been this good but I notice a marked improvement lately. Our son has an appointment with a real pediatrician-not a clinic where he has had to go before, and I am looking forward to bringing him there-in the past I have avoided the horrible clinics and only taken him to emergency rooms...

We have no money or savings today and can not find work, but I am grateful that the system really does work for families in need. I wonder if I am experiencing this because my attitude is different meaning I am grateful, humble, and do not expect things. In the past I have been embarrassed, angry, and in denial of my situation...others in this situation behave like it is an entitlement. Doctors and others are shocked when I express my gratitude and thanks-it is not something they hear often. I know for a fact attitude makes a difference.

I have approached the town to endorse a job scholarship program I would like to put together. Due to legalities they can not endorse it but I am going to move forward with it anyway. The concept is simple. Internships are offered to students who are looking to get into the work world. Why not offer internships, or "back to work" scholarships for people in our town who have had setbacks in life and need a fresh start-this can be people who have had addiction and recovery in their families, divorce, or other problems and are having a hard time getting back on track..You see the job boards are useless and it truly is networking that gets people back in the loop. Networking is really difficult when there have been so many other problems and if a person his humble enough to ask for support services in our town, then there should be a program like this. I am going to start working on this next week and will blog about my progress.

God's time is slower than ours but God really does hear our prayers when they come from a place of humility. God has brought sobriety into our home, and this is what I wanted so very much. I did not want to get divorced and I wanted to experience the good in my husband...Yes I could have married someone who was less complicated, not suffered the financial problems, had a close extended family, perhaps even had another child which I would have loved....but I didn't. And today I can say I am happy with the man I am with and the wonderful person he is becoming each day he continues to get more and more sober....I have more than I could have ever dreamed of as a result.....as for the money...I know it will come...I am smart, he is smart, and as we become more and more humble each day we attract good energy and people....people want what we have and want us around....it will all work out...and it will be great.

THE BALD EAGLE IS IN RECOVERY!!!!!!

2007-06-28T05:12:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

Today's Associated Press Headline states "The American bald eagle, a national symbol once almost wiped out by hunters and DDT poisoning, has not only survived but is thriving". Mark is bald and often our son and I call him the "bald eagle". I found this headline analogous to our life in recovery. We have survived and we are on the road to thriving...although that road is really rocky-especially financially.

The article refers to the eagle population's "bottom" in 1963. Our bottom as a family was December 2006! However, our battle with this horrible disease truly started 7 years ago. Our program and desire to change started 3 years ago-me starting in alanon 3 years ago and mark in AA 2 years ago. So if our full recovery is to be analogous to the Bald Eagle's it will take 44 years from the start to make a come back. This means that we will be near death and in our early 80's before full recovery!!!!! If I use the timing for recovery from when DDT was banned (1972 and slow recovery began) and liken that to when the drinking stopped the time frame would be 35 years for full recovery of the bald eagle, meaning that full recovery for us will be when we are in our early 70's!" I can also take off 10 years, as the bald eagle has appeared to be in full recovery for the past 10 years and that would make our full recovery possible in our early 60's! And slow recovery has started this year and things get better each day.That actually seems about right. It is a long road.

But each day we practice gratitude and attitude! Today I am strong and can get through anything. In my current situation most people would be falling apart. I have been laid off my part time job for the summer and there is no unemployment compensation. I am treated like a slave by my boss when I am there. Mark and I are both having a hard time finding work and the house is in foreclosure and our current income is below the federal poverty level. I have applied for welfare and have not help from my family, many of whom are very very wealthy!!!! I have a lot of faith and I know that I will get through this.

What is different today? There is no active drinking is the primary factor. Also, my attitude is different. I have stopped being a victim, I have learned humility, I continue to focus on me and grow as a person....My husband does the same...There are many many problems and challenges but we are talking, we are calmer, we are together, our son is happy, and we are no longer in denial-for the most part. We are thankful for the things we have, we are not jealous of others, we are not "poor me", we are courageous and determined.. We have full of experience, strength and hope, and we pray everyday for guidance.

John Kostyack of the National Wildlife Federation, called the eagle resurgence "truly one of America's great wildlife success stories" I believe our families' recovery will be truly one of America's great marriage and family success stories."

Stay tuned!

MEETINGS AS DAILY MEDICINE: THE FAMILY PERSPECTIVE

2007-06-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Mark alcoholic,

Good evening all. Three meetings today: first was a beginners meeting discussing the disease, its causes, and the recovery tools; second meeting big book; third step meeting. I guess I am in recovery mode !

I got very concerned yesterday as my mood swings are still a little unpredictable. I am working hard in this area. Hunter is great she is an amazing person. Yesterday my two daughters arrived in Spain to visit my parents for a week and I was asked not to call. I don't want to get into the detail they are there to see their grandparents. My sponsor and my wife tell me that it is not all about me,however I am human and it's tough as I have not seen them for so long and it has been a big trigger for me in the past to drink. However, NOT THIS TIME. This time sobriety comes before everything else.

I pray all will improve in time and I must believe in the promises !

I became very concerned yesterday about going to the beach. I used to drink a lot at the beach either before I got there or when I was there. You see I could get a drink any place any time even when the stores were closed on Sunday. I could go to the beach and being English and very charming, of course, I would always befriend the people on the beach with the big cooler for the day.

Yesterday my wife and son really wanted to go and I did not. I still get very concerned about people places and things I do not want to test myself...it's stupid. Alcohol is everywhere...even at a family beach day! I guess not everybody is an alcoholic but there sure was a lot of drinking going on .My sponsor tells me you must change one thing when you come into AA and that is everything!

I am beginning to enjoy recovery. A mate told me you need to keep going to meetings until you want to go. This is very true as it has now become part of my daily routine and that's just fine. I am starting to feel stronger and a little calmer there is still a huge way to go and tons of wreckage to clear up but I can only have a chance if I stay sober otherwise all bets are of!

I am getting a real sense of wanting to move forward with the steps as I know it will make me a better person and I will start to get to know myself.

I watched a Peter Sellers biography Saturday and he died all be it to young, not knowing who he was and that is exactly what alcohol did to me it striped me of my true identity I was a slave to alcohol and thank God to day I am free ,free to start a new way of life a to really get to know the real me !

More tomorrow very tired .

God bless .

Mark alcoholic.

Why Stay Together

2007-06-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

I often wonder why I have chosen to stay in an alcoholic relationship and why I have put up with so many horrible things over the years. Love and the desire for companionship are the clear answers. Finding love is not easy and I am a firm believer that all the baggage one brings to a relationship will carry over to the next on unless one learns to deal with it within a relationship.

With all the hardship and other issues Mark and I have been through in this road through addiction and recovery I know inside that this journey of recovery is teaching us both new tools for communication and for building the foundation of a deep relationship that can be more loving and committed than anything either of us could ever imagine.

You see I have always been rigorously honest and trusting to the point of naivety....Mark, in his addiction has been the opposite. As Mark learns to practice rigorous honesty on a daily basis and control his anger and emotions I have learned and continue to learn, that naivety and trust is something that has to be earned and I am learning to practice this in all my affairs-as I believe it has hurt me in friendships and in business as well as in my relationships. I grew up wearing my heart on my sleeve, believed that yelling and screaming and anger was how people communicated-as this is what I saw in my home-and did not know how to set or observe boundaries. How much I have learned.

I don't want to be lonely and I married a person who is a good person...Unfortunately he suffers from a horrible disease which is more mental than anything else. Fortunately, his commitment to AA offers him the chance to get better and to actually be the wonderful person he is within.

We have both learned new tools for communication that are working. Often Mark comes to sit and talk with me. This is so foreign to me that I really don't know what to do. It is normal and wonderful...but I don't know from normal, peaceful and calm. I do know that I like it and look forward to developing new skills to enjoy these moments and experience more of them.

I am grateful that we have made it together and that we are committed to continue on this journey.....All the problems I have written about are still there but I do believe things will get better.

Enjoy the weekend-Hunter

living in the moment

2007-06-21T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hi Mark alcoholic,

Been doing well sorry for not blogging I get a little pissed of when my wife uses the blog for complaining about financial stuff .She has every reason to be concerned and I understand but for those of you that don't know me I have been very successful in my life and lost a lot to my drinking ,I have a tremendous future in front of me and I know as long as I stay sober all will be OK in all areas of our life .

As an alcoholic I want it all now! and I know my wife does but it takes time she is a terrific person and I am blessed to have her in my life. We were just talking outside about our son's report ccard which is more or less the one from the period of my first 6 months and my wife pointed out that she saw a direct improvement linked to my recovery and I guess she is right .

I am responsible for my actions. I created this mess and I can fix it. I know I am going to have a good life and that I have a responsibility to take care of my family. I am looking forward to it. I have a number of opportunities now and it will be OK.

Trust is one of the big issues for us and I can only do what I say. It is a program of action not words. Alcoholics when active are full of s--t ! And that must change if you are to recover.

I have been to tons of meetings, lots of step meetings, and I must move on with the steps. It is key! My sponsor does not agree and I am thinking of getting a second sponsor just for the steps. I was just thinking I must keep my sobriety as a priority or I am done for ,this week alone I have seen 5 guys slip with serious sobriety over 10 years and believe me it was not funny .I have been on a twelve step call and seen denial all over, that was me .

Living in the moment. I was trying to explain to Hunter some of the pain that causes my anger. Her sponsor in AL anon a great person divorced her husband who is active and it is very different to live with a recovering alcoholic than dealing with an active one. I am not sure which is easier. We can be very difficult to deal with.

I have heard some great stuff this week at meetings such as: fear based anger,what have I got invested in my anger?,and what causes it ,shame guilt are huge problems that I have to come to terms with every day and I must stay close to AA this thing is saving my life, I really believe that !

I have a tough situation that I don't share much about. I have two beautiful daughters I have not seen for 2 plus years due to this dam disease and one has some serious depression issues. They are 21 and 20. This weekend they are going to stay with my parents for a week in Spain. My parents have lived there for 20 years and have a beautiful house. I hope all goes well...My mother is an alcoholic in total denial. She is a binge, black out type drinker and thinks she does not have a problem. My father, also a drinker who has had pancreatitis, tells me he does not have a problem!

He is the enabler with my mom and they have not ever had my girls stay with them. The girl's have never experienced my mom's drunken epsisodes, which can get quite ugly. So I am praying for a good trip. I have decided not to call too much as I really want them to get to know my parents better. I know my elder one wants to have contact with my side of the family and I am sure she thinks it may help with her depression. My father is a great guy and I am sure he will do a great job with her. The other daughter is just like me although she does not drink. However, she is the image of me - cheeky, fun, caring, dangerous, and of course very cute!

I cannot believe sometimes that I have two beautiful daughters. I must see them soon. My god this disease really has robbed me of so much. Thank God I caught it in time and can get it back! It is so scary to think that just one drink could put me back to square one and a living hell. I must not forget that ever !

I want a good future but I must remain focused, humble ,and continue to remember one day at a time. I must always stay very focused on the first three steps or I am done for. What a disease... a nice cold glass of white wine on a summers night sitting on the porch with my wife, would turn into a living hell within hours !..and as my wife says what's so nice about a glass of wine???!!!!! I must remind myself every moment I think like that where it will take me. I don't want to even imagine the train wreck .

Like my sponsor tells me don't quit before the miracle, don't drink, and go to meetings. I have not missed at least two meetings a day for 6 months. He gets worried about me working and my meeting schedule. There are plenty of meetings all over so I am not worried. I will never have an excuse to miss a meeting and I will not drink even if my ass is going to fall off! Why do I always choose these multi-millionaire sponsors who don't need to work and don't have a realistic perspective on money? Typical Mark !

OK I am done. I will blog more soon. Tomorrow is my Friday meeting and I am in charge of the topic! I will let you know how it goes. Time for a good night kiss from my wife and son and some good prayer. I never ask for anything in my prayers I just thank God of my understanding for keeping me sober today and for my family here and in Europe and for prayers for those sick and suffering from my disease and all the other people still suffering around the world .Rest well! .

Thanks Mark alcoholic .

TIRED

2007-06-19T15:23:00.001-07:00

I am tired. Actually exhausted is a better word. Not from good stuff but from the chaos of Mark's disease. He is doing better and I am grateful he is at an AA meeting now working on his sobriety. But for me it is truly exhausting.

He has an interview tomorrow and I wish him luck. I have two interviews this week. One at the place I currently am working part time to head up a new venture and another is a call back for a fantastic and lucrative position. After all I have been through, and am going through, it would be amazing to be in position to have two jobs to choose from...I really only need one, and if I get one I will be able to save my home and take care of paying bills and restoring my credit....If mark gets one too, that will be a miracle and then perhaps we can even put some money away in savings! Now that would be different.

As for my relationship with Mark, it is as good as can be expected under the circumstances. I don't believe Mark expresses himself as well as he needs to in order to be understood by me and those around him. This leads him to lie in some situations and in other situations it leads him to disappointment. He questions, as do I, the wisdom of his sponsor when it comes to getting work. Today Mark was excited about his job interview and his sponsor told him that if he is offered the job and it interferes with his meeting schedule he should not take it...He also said that if the job was for a lot of money he should also not take it as this will make him slip! I am not an alcoholic but I do know that Mark needs to work, not just for the money but for his head. At this point I believe he knows that he must continue to go to meetings and I believe he knows that he can always find a meeting to go to that coordinates with whatever work schedule he has. Mark is frustrated with his sponsor and he needs to clear the air. I think this is true also of our relationship...We dont' know how to talk to each other. Mark is angry, defensive, and sarcastic much of the time and I believe has no respect for me. I am quiet about most things and do not do a good job setting boundaries.

School ends this week. I pray that this is a good week on the job front and that things turn around for our family and that perhaps with a lot of luck we can save our home, get back on track, and maybe even be able take a much needed vacation for a few days.

THANK YOU ALL for keeping us in your prayers...Prayers are powerful and whatever you send out, always comes back to you in wonderful dividends. Along this trend of thought I thought I'd share today's Though for the Day from Hazelden.

"Today's thought from Hazelden is:It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.-- Chinese Proverb

With all the negativity that surrounds us, it is easy to become overwhelmed. It is also tempting to fight against the negative or to declare war on it. Yet a master teacher offered a better way: "Resist not evil, but overcome evil with good."Imagine you are in a dark room. Wanting the darkness to leave, you curse and fight against it. But no matter how much effort you make, the darkness remains. Turn on the light switch, however, and the night vanishes in an instant.In a similar manner, when the light of truth is shed on a situation, fear and disharmony dissolve. When you send out a positive thought to another person or take a constructive action, an enormous amount of good is accomplished. Each good act begets another until a network of love and light is created.The purpose of life is to reflect this light into places that are dark. Let your light shine and stay focused on the power of love. When enough of us have turned on our spiritual light switches, the earth will become as bright as a shining star. Where, then, could darkness dwell? "

Until tomorrow.

Hunter

P.S. Also with a bit of luck maybe Mark will blog..He is angry at me today as his DWI case has been postponed again in court and he still blames me for his DWI...Yes I did call the police when he sped away from a kids sporting event in a car intoxicated..But I was NOT the person driving drunk, or as Mark calls it "over the legal limit"...he still insists he was not drunk...DENIAL is a powerful thing...VERY VERY powerful.

DENIAL AND NEW BEGINNINGS

2007-06-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hi from Hunter. Quick post for today. I am going to find a real estate broker and list the house this week. It is killing me. But truth is that I can not afford it and house is in foreclosure. Our programs of recovery teach us to act. So act I must do. I will not put up a for sale sign as I would pass out coming home to that each night and don't want do deal with neighbors gossip. Pray I must do as well. Perhaps I will get a new job and be able to keep the house. Perhaps a surprise windfall will come our way...Perhaps we will win the lottery, etc....But for today this house is a luxury I no longer can afford and I am the only one who is currently working.....I am sick to my stomach.

Mark has been active today in moving forward, he has gotten teh car out of our driveway to a garage for sale-car has been sitting there for a year and has bad memories. He borrowed a lawnmower and will mow the overgrown lawn today....

I guess to move on I have to get rid of..I am sick of getting rid of..I am sick of having to move and I am sick of losing everything all the time...I am sick of no stablity and I am sick of chaos.

Mark has also just threatened me that he will no longer blog if I talk about this stuff in the blog..So I am not responsible for what mark does or does not do..But I am responsible for blogging how I feel and my recovery.

Today I must act and not react and do the next right thing...TOday that is very hard.

Until later.

Hunter

HONESTY WORKS!

2007-06-15T17:37:00.001-07:00

Hello again from Hunter. Very short blog today. Yesterday's blog from me reflected my true feelings. I almost deleted it rather than publishing it as I thought it might hurt or make Mark angry. Instead he had the capacity to read it and really understand it. When I came home this evening he gave me a big hug and said "wow you really do love me"! YUP I do.

That's all for today. Will write again after Mark does, as that is the point of this blog...BOTH our perspectives on recovery...not just mine.

P.S. Sidebar-most partners of alcoholics really do love them and the hardest part about this disease is that very few are able to get the gift of sobriety and without it recovery as a family and as a marriage is impossible. And while many partners move forward with their lives, the hurt and sadness and wreckage caused by this disease lingers.....

PUSH

2007-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter. I did not blog for a few days so Mark could catch up. I think today's blog will focus on the phrase PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens).

Re: Me I am doing OK. Had a great job interview yesterday and have been invited back to meet more people next week. Also thinking about enrolling for a degree or certificate in Ecommerce-I qualified for a scholarship. I am exercising and watching my diet and actively practicing detachment. I must get the house in order so that it can be put on the market and will have to work on that this weekend. This makes me really sad but I have no choice, unless a miracle happens like getting this job, winning lotto, or some other windfall. I also stood up for myself and made a career choice for myself that took me out of desperation mode. I had interviewed for an open position at the place I work part time..The salary was less than I made 25 years ago in salary and even though I have been working at the company part time for past 6 months I was told I would not be eligible for benefits for another 3 months. I also realized that I would be incredibly micro-managed and chose to withdraw my candidacy. It is not the right opportunity for me, I would be miserable, and the money was not good at all-even after commissions. I am proud of myself for making the right choice for me.

As for my relationship with Mark it is not good today. I love Mark so very much and am so grateful for his sobriety. He has six months today and I am so proud of him. I am proud of how he is working his recovery and I recognize the progress he is making. However, it is really tough for me to deal with his anger and the "ism's" that still exist.

Mark is currently suffering from a severe case of stinkin thinkin!

He tends to run from everyone and everything and verbalizes his lack of commitment to this marriage and how much he hates living here, and how he wants to leave and be on his own etc...After what me and this family has been through during the active drinking days this kind of talk really hurts. He continues to lie about small and big things and I am not sure that he believes that lying is wrong.

One minute he is angry with his sponsor and then the next minute his sponsor is the greatest....No one wants to hire him, and any job offers he does have always seem to fall through the cracks....He has dipped into my bank account, which I have deliberatly kept separate, and overdrawn it so that there is no money, after paychecks are deposited, until the next pay cycle. He even cashed a check for $250 that was sent to our son as a gift....This too he tried to rationalize by saying he did it to take care of his family...NO WAY..Lying is wrong and I am concerned that he does not think it is.

I wrestle with boundaries and what to do...I love this man so very much and I know he is really working his recovery and trying so hard. I know he is dealing with things rather than drinking and I know he is getting better. I want to be compassionate and loving..BUT he uses me as his whipping post. He yells at me and blames me for his problems and he lies to me-even though he is now sober.

I do not want to let go of our relationship, I want to rebuild it and I know that I must be patient while he confronts the demons of his past...But Mark has to want this as well and commit to rigorous honesty. I can not do this on my own. It pains me to see how angry and frustrated he is and I pray that he is learning a new way of living and dealing with life....

In meantime I must focus on not falling apart myself, taking care of our son, holding together whatever I can, and praying for guidance and patience....I have an abundance of patience and forgiveness and a lot of love to offer Mark...as does our son..But I can not tolerate any more lying or rationalizing...Mark's disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I believe it is testing him to push the limits and perhaps he will not recover as long as I stay with him. Again, I must pray as we are kindred spirits in so very many ways and we truly belong together.

Mark is a sweet soul and a very special person....So I will pray for him, pray for our marriage, and for our family. I so very much want to be a family in recovery together and know how good it can be.

Hunter

dont quit before the miracle

2007-06-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

MARK ALCOHOLIC.

Time goes on and time takes time. What the hell does it all mean? I had no intention of being in this AA thing ten years ago and I don't know if I belong today. The problem with the alcoholic mind is that we believe one day we will be able to return to normal drinking ! And the more time you get the more you think that is possible.

The purpose of my AA training, I will call it training, is that I must continue to crush that theory one day at a time. I have not met anyone who has returned to safe normal drinking. In fact there is a picture of Dr Bob and Bill Wilson with a blank space in the middle reserved for the first person that does return to normal drinking. It has never been filled.

This is silly talk I will never be able to drink as normal people do. I am having ups and downs and I am told by my sponsor I am where I am supposed to be, not drinking, going to meetings, and going broke? !!

I am now starting to question some of the wisdom. I must work for my continued sobriety as well as to take care of my family. I will keep you posted as I continue the efforts it has been frustrating so far but it will get better.

I am not big on its in Gods hands, pass it over, let it go...I think the program can be contradictory because then I am told this is a program of action !

Anyway I am not going to Analyze anymore I am just going to move on.

I have been to three meetings today. The lunch time meeting was wild. it was a speaker meeting. A priest who I know told the most amazing story which I will not get into. It was not sexual but just when you thought you had heard it all ,WOW ,what a disease! Also at the meeting was a very famous actor. As I said yesterday this disease takes no prisoners and effects anybody no matter who you are.

I am alone tonight with my son as my wife is running an Alanon meeting. I am very proud of her for that. She is very tired as she was up early for a good job interview in the city. I am sure she will keep you all posted that's her stuff. She really deserves a break!.

So tomorrow I will start my day with a big book meeting and then start more job searching ,dealing with the daily chores of recovery and try hard to stay centered. Recovery is tough as alcohol is everywhere. I continue to learn daily about why this alcoholic must stay away from the first drink and I must stay vigilant or I am done for .

Remember you only have to do this one day at a time !

GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.

MARK ALCOHOLIC.

King baby

2007-06-12T16:25:00.001-07:00

Mark alcoholic,

It has been a strange day for me today and boy have I been acting out. But I have also been to a lot of meetings ,thank God!

The disease wants us all to drink. I used to think that was total rubbish. I now know differently. I have seen yet another friend drink after 13 years...what a disaster! We all today, if we did not pick up, have been sober today for the first time together on June 12Th 2007 !

I started my day with my regular movie star meeting at 7.30. My real alcoholic friends who do not go to this one call it the Rolex meeting. Let me tell you something I know for a fact this disease does not care what you wear, what house you live in, or how much money you have. Alcoholism effects us all just the same.

I was asked to speak at a lunch time meeting today. I checked with my sponsor and he told me to go it as it is great for my recovery. I have spoken before and I really enjoy it. Today I spoke at a meeting I used to go to when I was actively drinking. The meeting was full of old timers with great wisdom but the underlying topic when I share is simple denial! Some old timers are very emphatic about the fact that the first drink gets you drunk. It is almost impossible for non alcoholics to understand but it is the obsession/compulsion that will set in with that first drink that kills you. And if I don't stay vigilant it will get me any time.

Later in the day I went to another meeting and the topic was being uncomfortable in sobriety. Everyone in recovery has to learn to live with a new set of tools and beliefs. I know for today I am doing the right thing. I do have a tremendous amount of work to do on myself. A friend of mine in town tells me often that the biggest battle I will fight and may never win is the one with myself!

I will continue to blog and for those of you that are kind enough to comment I want you to know that your comments really help me to continue blogging. At the lunch time meeting a mate of mine said I would make a great intervention expert. Maybe one day but I think for now I will continue intervening myself! Right now I have enough to do. Of course if any one wants help with 12 step work I will be always available as I can now see how it keeps me sober to help other alcoholics.

Every day brings new challenges and many problems but the bottom line is the issues will still be there drunk or sober at least sober you are aware of them and able to deal on a sober basis to the best of your ability.

I still remain very optimistic about the future if I continue to take my recovery very seriously I am going to know a whole new life and way of living. What a gift to be able to truly live again free from the bondage of alcohol and to start to be able to deal with life on life's terms.

I am still acting out a lot and put my wife through hell. I really don't mean to. It is not me, it is my disease. My son calls it my dark side and I really hate it. I am a kind loving guy and I am emerging from a life threatening disease. My memories are clearer and my resentments towards alcohol and must be lifted. Resentments are a serious relapse problem and we don't want that do we!

What truly keeps me going is faith, determination, the program, and the fellowship of AA. I TRULY HOPE THIS BLOG IS HELPING OTHERS IT CERTAINLY HELPS ME ! My guys in AA don't like that I blog. They think it is a dangerous place, this information highway. But I choose do this. I am not doctor Phil but I would be more than happy to go on TV and breach my anonymity to discuss the disease and share all I have learned. It would be my pleasure to let the world know how serious this epidemic is and that there is a daily reprieve, not a cure, with AA. So I am going to keep coming, keep blogging, and start living, one day at a time! .

Thanks for letting me back into whatever part of recovery you or your family and friends are going through and remember we are all worth it!

All the best ,until tomorrow.

Mark alcoholic.

hello again from Mark

2007-06-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

Mark alcoholic,

Been gone a while ,the problem is I just have not felt like it .

My wife is a very supportive person and none of this is her fault. The energy required to work a true program in the first 6 months is exhausting. I find myself having to work recovery the way I drank, very hard. I was in terrible trouble when I drank and I could have died. The daily grind in recovery today is actually starting to become fun .

I shared tonight, at my 3rd meeting today, how excited I am to be in my last week of 6 months this coming Saturday. I am told by my sponsor and friends in AA that I am a miracle. Great for my ego! But lets keep this real. This disease will kill me if I don't treat it daily. At that same meeting I shared at, a guy who had 24 years was three days back from a run that ended with him in a jail cell !

You may wonder why I have not blogged? My wife pushes me to blog and I feel I need some time in recovery to reflect on where I am in my life and where I am going. This is a new way of living. I truly believe I am learning to live again and that's tough.

The daily reprieve from alcohol is contingent on my spiritual condition and I will only get out of my recovery what I put in. I am a very complex human and I mean complexity. I have had many journeys in my life and have achieved great things and I have lost much. But I would not trade my sobriety for anything. It is very hard to explain to non alcoholics the emotions, the struggles, the memories, the pain, the acting out...I believe we truly are like newborn babies .

I am about to read a book called "King Baby". Apparently, a friend tells me, it is about guys like me. I will let you know. I think blogginh is good for me when I do it and I want to be really honest when I do but for now I will just add there are two sides to every story.

I have not got a clue why this wonderful women has stayed with me. It truly is unbelievable. I know so many guys in AA who's marriages fell apart in recovery...this is really a question I cant answer .

I guess when I don't put alcohol in my body I am an OK guy. You know when I met my wife 10 years ago at a bar she drank along with me, not hard but we drank together every day. I guess she does not have the problem that I progressed into. At that time I was a very interesting character. Most alcoholics are actors on a stage and of course when we are in drink we get more gregarious and become interesting in the beginning until we have that one too many.

I can think of tons of times when I enjoyed the drinking over the years but as I look back, look back not stare, I am told I can see that as I came to America in 1996 it was the beginning of a slow slide into the depths of full blown alcoholism. Yes I blame the Americas!

Seriously, I have been trying to figure out how it happened to me but my sponsor tells me not to bother. People that analyze alcoholism will never really find out the problem. I can list hundred of reasons why I became an alcoholic: Childhood, parents, brothers, kids, wives, work, genes, culture....The list can go on and on. As my sponsor tells me it is what it is and I think that is how I will get better. The future holds great things for me. As the big book says, our future has much in store as long as you stay away from that first drink.

I think as a recovering alcoholic that I must work much harder on honesty, responsible living and anger. When I blog I do not get into the financial hardship drinking has caused us as my wife does. There is a reason for this. I have always believed in myself even when I was active and in early recovery slipping and sliding I knew I could do this! I will be honest and tell you this is the hardest thing I have ever done and knowing my history, having had a very successful business, and my character I know we will be OK. There are certain things I cannot mention in the blog to do with my past at least not today. Hunter knows what it is, no more secrets, it is financial and I cannot go into it.

If I was talking to an active alcoholic who was struggling, as I was, I would not ram AA down their throat. Drinkers like me need to be ready. I would tell the active alcoholic to try AA and if you want to keep drinking go ahead, all us alcoholics have our own bottoms. I look forward to being a sponsor one day. It pains me to see people struggle but the truth is this is a gift and it is for those that want it not those that need it. If it was for those that need it we would fill football stadiums!

The problem with AA for a newcomer is it can be very overwhelming. Do I share? What are the steps and slogans all about? The Big Book, How Bill Sees It, Sponsors, not drinking for the rest of your life, learning to live again, commitments, one day at a time, rehabs, 90 meetings in 90 days and other slogans....it really is a lot bearing in mind the alcoholic is probably sitting in his or her first meeting still with alcohol in the blood, embarrassed, lonely and scared, shaking, craving a drink to calm the nerves...it all adds up to be too much.

I know for me I just kept showing up, drunk or not. I just kept coming. I kept reminding myself to remember that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking . If you want a new way of living you must go to any length to get sober. Nothing but NOTHING can come before your recovery. and that's where I see my wife as a true miracle. I do not know any women who would put up with me. I have put her through hell and I sometimes still do. I don't mean to and I must work on this part of my journey. I don't want to be a dry drunk whatever that is ?

OK we have a big storm coming in and I need to rest. Forgive the all over the place blog I know I need to get back on track and the blogging does help me and whoever you are? We are all on a journey. Let's keep at it. We are all worth a better way of life! I pray you are safe and well and I look forward to catching up with more details tomorrow .

With love and prayers .

Mark alcoholic.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MARK?

2007-06-09T17:29:00.000-07:00

For all who are wondering and for those of you who have posted, Mark has promised to blog today or tomorrow. He has had a tough time dealing with his recovery and the feelings and anger that comes up. It is not my place to force him to blog or take his inventory, but I do hope he blogs as promised as I too get a lot from his writing...According to Mark, who just walked into the room "we have a lot to look forward to" and a my grandfather said when my parents got married "time will tell....time will tell....!"

Learning to communicate in sobriety in a marriage where there is a commitment to stay together is really tough. Mark has a lot of angry rages and I do not like the words or the behavior when he gets angry..It is dry drunk behavior..The one I dislike most is when he tells me his is going to go and drink because of me! I am grateful that I have a strong Alanon program that I started working long before he became sober. It helps me manage these situations, not react, and eventually (notice I say eventually) find the compassion inside myself to give him a hug and calm things down. I must continue to work on this as I still get suckered up into the madness, though not as often and not as prolonged as I used to. I have profound gratitude for Mark's sobriety and our new emerging life as a family and couple.

Last night we went to a beach party for our son's school-Mark would never have gone in the past, or in earlier days of his sobriety...and if he ever did go in the past he would be drunk and an embarrassment...What a joy for him to be there and be sober...I stayed joined to him at the hip at the party as I knew it was a new situation for him and I wanted to stay close to him, not because I was worried he would drink, but because I felt he needed me...That is a good feeling.

Today we went to a party at our neighbors house..another situation where Mark would never have been comfortable or shown up sober...and we had a great time. He left the party for an hour and a half to attend an AA meeting and then came back....As I am supportive of his recovery and his program and understand....I was happy he did this....Also at today's party there was no alcohol served....In the past mark would have complained and said to me "how could anyone have a party and not have enough or any beer and wine." Today, he was glad this was the situation AND if there was alcohol today he could have handled being there and NOT drinking....It is WONDERFUL and it was wonderful to be a family walking home from the neighbors, sober, happy and laughing. It is a new life and it is very exciting........

I pray we can get our financial situation under control soon. I had two interviews this week-both the wrong jobs for me....Although I have all the qualifications one was with a start up company and commission only-we need income. The other was for a sales position that I am highly qualified for but since I have taken a few years off my Rolodex is not current and they need someone with current contacts! So off to the next opportunity..I have an interview next week... Please send prayers.....I also qualified for scholarship program with a career counselor and will have 8 sessions starting in the next few weeks...

Anyway...that is my daily blog for today...IN summary things are not easy and Mark is very angry a lot of the time and overreacts to most things....BUT (he always hates when I say but..BUT in this case it is a good but....) Mark is sober, committed thoroughly to his AA program of recovery, we are committed to each other and our son and one day at a time our life as individuals, a couple, and a family, is getting better.

A FEW INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHTS TO SHARE

2007-06-07T05:34:00.000-07:00

Today we had our cable shut off. Our son started shouting how he hated money and how awful it was. I explained to him that it was not money that caused this problem, it was alcoholism and irresponsiblity. I hate having to go through such hard times and being forced to explain things like this because of adversity...His immediate reaction was "mommy, this can;t be all dad's fault". I replied to him that it was not daddy's fault it was irresponsibility and the chaos caused by alcoholism...I too played a part in it as I chose to only deal in a limited capacity wiht things crumbling around me and trusted that it would all end up OK. After being really angry and upset our son asked me if we were going to lose the house....I said that anything his possible. he then asked where we would go and I told him that we did not have to worry about that today and that he did not need to worry about it as I will alwasy protect him, and not that dad is sober and working on his recovery he will as well. He thought for aminute and then asked me a question "mom....did we used to be rich?" I replied yes...before the chaos of chronic alcoholism enveloped our lives we were very comfortable...more so than most families.....and we had the support of my family. We never had that support from Mark's family and no longer have that support from mine.....Devastating what alcohlism does. So this wise beyond his years kid asked another question....He takes Tae Kwon Do and every two months when he passes his promotion test we take him to his favorite restaraunt as a treat....He has been asking to do this all week since his promotion test is today...After processing what is happening to us financially he asked me what he could do to help......I replied that being who he is, staying healthy and making each day the best he can is help enough....He then said..."Mom....after my test today instead of going out to dinner can we have a barbeque on the beach....That would be really special" YES I said....I knew this was his way of helping....finding other ways to celebrate.

There is an email I have seen many times about a carrot and egg and a cup of coffee...Read on.....our son is coffee and I pray that all of us can be.

> -----A Carrot, An Egg And A Cup Of Coffee!> > A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.> > Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.> > In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.> > Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."> > "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.> > Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.> > Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"> > Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the> water.> > "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"> > Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?> > Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?> > Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?> > May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.> > The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.> > When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.>

AND A BRIEF FOLLOW UP FROM YESTERDAY'S POST

Mark continues to be VERY angry. But he is working with his sponsor. It is tough to be around and I must practice detachment with love and all the other tools of my program..Today's reading from Hazelden is below....It is perfect for the events of today and yesterday.

TODAY'S THOUGHT FROM HAZELDEN (www.hazelden.org)

Conflict can produce positive results.If our policy is to avoid conflict at all cost, we may impede our growth by trying to sweep important issues under the rug and refusing to deal with them. The issues don't disappear, however, and by sweeping them under the rug, we make them more toxic and unwieldy.Conflict is bound to occur in any vital, important relationship, and the question is how to handle it. Allowing conflict to be brought into the open usually makes it much more manageable than trying to ignore it. If there's fear of conflict, we're less likely to feel free to be ourselves.When I am willing to talk about what's bothering me, to state my position and listen to yours, to ask for help from a Higher Power, it's very possible that we will reach an understanding that enhances our relationship. Conflict does not need to destroy. Using the Steps, we can build on our differences and both come out stronger.If I find myself in a situation of conflict today, I will try working through it rather than attempting to avoid it.

SYMPATHY PAINS

2007-06-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

Short blog entry from Hunter 7:30 PM. had a luncheon today. Dessert was tiramisu.....Similar to the banana nut bread episode mark had...I got drunk from the tiramisu and had to return to work....Strange...

Anyway, after a day like today I think and Alanon meetingw ould do me some good...I;m off!

Hunter

DETACHMENT AND ANGER

2007-06-06T05:49:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter again. Detachment is a big topic for me today. I have come to understand that my year's of "keep coming" to alanon have had an effect. I naturally detach now and I am grateful for this.

What is written below is EXACTLY the reason why this blog was started. To capture those moments of recovery and hte difficulties as they happen, not upon reflection.

Mark's recovery is fraught with anger and rage. He rages at me, screams at me...it is hard to take and frankly not a lot different from the days when he was drinking...EXCEPT for one BIG thing....Usually he will apologize at some point and admit that this is not how he wants to behave.

MY behavior is also different when he rages. I do not engage and I do not take any of it seriously. I used to cower and cry and believe he meant what he was saying and get really upset. It also evoked childhood memories of my father raging and my mother raging. I grew up learning that screaming and yelling was a normal and acceptable mode of communication. It took me close to 45 years to learn that it is NOT and that there are other ways to communicate. I actively practice talking things out and strive to teach our son this kind of behavior....

As for Mark and his raging....I recognized that recovery from a horrible disease is fraught with anger. I can not engage and I can not pay attention to anything he says when he is raging as none of it is THOUGHTFUL, very little of it is HONEST, none of it is NECESSARY, and it is definitely not KIND. And as I said, he tends to apologize.

The problem for me is that the raging makes my head hurt and my hands shake...It is really hard to take and deal with. Every therapist on earth, including ones we have seen advises to walk away and calm down before talking again. He just doesn;t get it...and for me my head is exploding with pressure..,no different from a woman who is continually battered. The pressure is too hard to take and I don't have enough recovery to learn how to get rid of this...Then again I don't know how many people could handle all of this.

We have NO money except for an emergency fund I set aside which is almost depleted. Mark keeps wanting to access this fund and I refuse to allow him to access all of it. I am right and he panics....My recovery does not allow me to buy into his craziness.

I have zero respect for his grandiose statements including "you think poor you live poor", when it suits him he talks about the future and having money but when it does not suit him he talks about just being able to deal with today "Today we have no money..I can only focus on today". What a bunch of contradiction! Alcoholics are manipulative and Mark is a master of it. Then he looks over my shoulder when I am writing, which he is doing now...So I will have to stop blogging...I can't believe this person is so controlling.....So I started out writing about detachment and how great I was doing and now I getting caught up in the insanity of this stupid disease and the manipualtion and anger of a recovering alcoholic...So best I get out of the house now. But I can't because I can't move....I am paralized....The madness has gotten to me...This is the insanity of alcoholism...It is the "ism" that still exists once the alcohol is removed....IT is the gaping character defects that are still there....

I used to idolize my husband and hang on every word he said as gospel and truth and the right thing. He is a big character and a good person inside. I now realize that I can not rely on him and very little of what he says is the right thing. He is too sick and does not have enought recovery to be relied on and I can not allow him to manipulate me anymore...I have allowed this for too long...I know what the right thing to do is and I have to do it...I LOVE my husband and trust in his recovery. I trust that he can be responsible and I trust that he can be a good provider and good man.....It will all take time.....and it is not easy...I hate his rages and for me I have to learn what to do and how to manage so that I can protect myself and our son from being around it.

Today I must go to work and then must come home and get rid of the clutter in this house and get ready to sell it...Tha tis the reality today and that his the mess I have allowed.

POSTSCRIPT...After writing this I explained to Mark that verbal assaults are abusive and that it must stop. We came up with a plan..I pray it works. We really do love each otehr.

THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR A DRINK

2007-06-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

Below are a few "tricks" of the trade an alcoholic uses to make sure he/she can stay "topped up". These are things I have learned from the alcoholic I love. I hope Mark can add a few things I forgot. For those of you who read this on a regular basis please add to the list if you can. The crazy thing about this is that my alcoholic, Mark, says none of this is unusual!!!!!! For me, and anyone I know that is not an addict and does not think like one this behavior is weird, unthinkable behavior and frankly VERY abnormal.

PLACES TO HIDE ALCOHOL AND WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A BOTTLE

Where to hide

1. In the washing machine or clothes dryer
2. In the woods
3. over the backyard fence
4. Down the street in a vacant lot
5. Under the front seat or back seat of the car
6. in the spare tire compartment of the car
7. in the garage
8. behind the television cabinet
9. under the bathroom sink
10. replace the washer fluid in your car with your substance of choice and hook up a sipping
straw to the car
11. In the storage closet
12. In the trunk of an unused car
13. In the closet
14. Empty a fire extinguisher and put the substance inside
15. In your children's baby bottles-one for the baby without alcohol and one for you with-pretend to taste it
16. Ask the bartender at your "regular" restaurant to put a glass behind the plants in the bathroom for you when you go out and not to let your family know as you are not supposed to be drinking and give him a generous tip-he will always be loyal to you and the bottle, not your family
17. In your pocket
18. Inside unpacked suitcases
19. In the spare refrigerator-if you have one
20. Under a parked car in the driveway

WHAT TO DO IF YOU RUN OUT OF THE REAL STUFF AND ARE DESPERATE

1. Drink vanilla extract
2. Drink mouthwash- Listerine can give you a nasty buzz
3. Drink cough syrup...
4. Or as I recently learned eat food cooked with alcohol

HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN PAY FOR IT?

1. Have an account at several different liquor stores, keep charging until your credit is no longer good
2. Max out your credit card and those of people in your family
3. Use the money you and your family need to pay the bills and spend it on your addiction
4. Forge checks
5. Refinance the house and hide the information from your partner and use all the money to feed your addiction
6. Sell things and hope your partner or family does not find out
7. If you can work or do odd jobs and spend every penny you make on it
8. Convince your partner that you need to move someplace else and that the house should be sold
9. Convince a friend that you are leaving a relationship and need a place to stay. See if they will also lend you some money...Then wear out your welcome by drinking all the alcohol in their house, lie about it and steal from them.
10.. Settle financial disputes by letting them put a lien on you house so that when you go to sell the house there is no asset left.
11. Make your parents and siblings feel sorry for you and get them to send money to you in secret to help you out. Never let them know that it is all for your addiction.
12. Use whatever other means you can to lie, cheat and steal with reckless disregard for those who love and trust you if and when you need to in order to make sure that you have what you need-you poison

HOW TO HIDE SMELL SO PEOPLE DON'T THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DRINKING

1. Use lots of mouthwash and if confronted say you have gingivitis and that this is the best cure
2. Chew Juicy Fruit Gum
3. Drink Vodka as it is the most odorless of the substances
4. Use a lot of cologne-especially ones with alcohol in it so you can blame the smell on the cologne
5. Brush teeth frequently

WHAT TO DO IF YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR DWI OR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND MANDATED TO COMPLY WITH A COURT ORDERED PROGRAM
1. Ignore the courts and go to jail (many famous people have done this like Paris Hilton)
2. Go to the court mandated programs and learn to "drink and drive responsibly" that his what they teach you and as an alcoholic that sounds like a great idea right?
3. Go to the court mandated programs and completely disregard everything they say just get it over with so that you can clear things up and go out and screw up again...
4. Drive drunk and believe you are above the law and that you are invincible...nothing will happen to you as the bottle will always be there to protect you

HOW TO PRETEND YOU ARE IN RECOVERY
1. Go to AA and show up drunk
2. Go to rehab and get drunk before you get there
3. Celebrate completion of a rehab program by having just one more drink-no one will know...but will it really be just one???????
4. Go to AA sober and then celebrate afterwards by having a drink...you did after all get to a meeting?
5. Lie whenever it suits you
6. Blame others for your addiction
7. Drive around with a half empty bottle in your car and tell your partner or others who love you that your AA sponsor told you this was a good idea so that you can always remember how close you are to the next drink!
8. AND IF YOU ARE SOBER ENOUGH TO WALK AND BE SOMEWHAT COHERENT INSIST THAT YOU HAVE NOT HAD "ONE SINGLE" DRINK..THIS IS ONE LIE THAT HAS A RING OF TRUTH AS AN ALCOHOLIC NEVER HAS JUST ONE SINGLE!

HOW THE SYSTEM FAILS

1. Insurance companies will not allow you admittance to detox if you are not legally intoxicated. Many alcoholics show up for a detox program, but have stopped drinking 24 hours prior.. When they show up they are not intoxicated and the insurance companies deny there is a problem. So the alcoholic goes out and gets blotto and then comes back...Same person as the day before and now the insurance companies will admit he has a problem.

2. Rehabs-very few take insurance. Most addicts do not have the money to go to rehab without insurance reimbursement as they have depleted all their resources...When rehabs do take insurance the insurance companies rarely pay for more than a 14 day detox program. If the insurance companies relied on the assessment of the professionals many more people would be allowed for longer more meaningful stays in rehab.

3. Courts do not understand that alcoholism is a disease. There is no literature available about AA or Alanon for the families. All violent behavior is lumped into domestic violence category and there is not recognition that in many cases the violence stops when the drinking stops. Family and children's services also don't have any understanding of alcoholism and assign case workers who are not trained in substance abuse.

4. Tolerance policy for DWI...There should be ZERO tolerance.

5. Inability to understand that the disease is cunning and baffling and a true addict will not recover until they are ready.

MORE ALCOHOLIC SCARY THINGS

2007-06-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hello From Hunter.

SAD DAY! Confirmed that house is in foreclosure. Confirmed that husband's friend who said he would help us is full of shit. Confirmed that Mark has been using money from my bank account and not telling me and has overdrawn account to a point that I can not even cover the over draft with next two paychecks..We are truly broke! I am so furious with Mark..But anger will not resolve anything. Part of me says he did tell me the truth, finally, after lying and I should be grateful that he is finally telling the truth..But that really sounds like a load of bullshit from me. His behaviour was unacceptable and he needs to know this..But if we are to move forward and stay together he must learn to stop behaving this way and to live a life of rigorous honesty. I believe his commitment to AA and his recovery is putting him on this path and that his giving me the strength to move forward. I love the life we are starting to rebuild and the joy I see in our son's face as a result. What a sick disgusting disease...

There are choices today...I have two job interviews this week and if they go well we will be able to keep the house. Mark supposedly has a good job opportunity but he has never followed through with anything since I know him..I pray he follows through as part of his recovery. And if he can do this than we can save this house....Enough is enough.

I am sick to death of hearing...well at least I am not drinking over it! That is great now it is time to start living. I know he is working his recovery and I trust he will recover. I am proud of his recovery......

I really think I sound like an idiot trusting and believing in someone who has been so completely deceitful...But I know he wants to get better and I respect that.

I do as much as I can for me and for my family. It is time for Mark to get off his ass, stop using his recovery as an excuse, and to start living responsibly.

I pray he can find true recovery yet I am thrown by his friends lying to him about helping out financially so that we do not lose the house....Who lied-Mark or his friend...I do no not know but given Mark's track record I believe it was Mark. Then again, given what I know about alcoholics-it was both of them who lied..BUT the real truth is LYING IS UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. WHEN AND HOW DOES IT STOP? I pray that Mark stops now. He has lived a life of lying-long before he knew me..It is DISGUSTING and I feel deceived.

I pray today that his recovery continues and that the lying stops once and for all. And I pray today for financial independence and a good job and a family with both partners contributing financially. It is f-----g time.... I pray today for guidance to do the next right thing and I pray today for strength to get through this.

Along the same thought as the banana nut bread a friend send this to me. Scary!

This is confirmed by Snopes (see below)Ok. I don't know where to begin because the last 2 days of my life have been such a blur. Yesterday, My youngest daughter Halle who is 4, was rushed to the emergency room by her father for being severely lethargic and incoherent. He was called to her school by the school secretary for being "very VERY sick." He told me that when he arrived that Halle was barely sitting in the chair. She couldn't hold her own head up and when he looked into her eyes, she couldn't focus them.
He immediately called me after he scooped her up and rushed her to the ER. When we got there, they ran blood test after blood test and did x-rays, every test imaginable. Her white blood cell count was normal, nothing was out of the ordinary. The ER doctor told us that he had done everything that he could do so he was sending her to Saint Francis for further test.
Right when we were leaving in the ambulance, her teacher had come to the ER and after questioning Halle 's classmates, we found out that she had licked hand sanitizer off her hand. Hand sanitizer, of all things. But it makes sense. These days they have all kinds of different scents and when you have a curious child, they are going to put all kinds of things in their mouths.
When we arrived at Saint Francis, we told the ER doctor there to check her blood alcohol level, which, yes we did get weird looks from it but they did it. The results were her blood alcohol level was 85% and this was 6 hours after we first took her. Theres no telling what it would have been if we would have tested it at the first ER.
Since then, her school and a few surrounding schools have taken this out of the classrooms of all the lower grade classes but what's to stop middle and high schoolers too? After doing research off the internet, we have found out that it only takes 3 squirts of the stuff to be fatal in a toddler. For her blood alcohol level to be so high was to compare someone her size to drinking something 120 proof. So please PLEASE don't disregard this because I don't ever want anyone to go thru what my family and I have gone thru. Today was a little better but not much. Please send this to everyone you know that has children or are having children. It doesn't matter what age. I just want people to know the dangers of this.
Thank you Lacey Butler and family

http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/sanitizer.asp

A FEW THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ADDICTS AND RECOVERY

2007-06-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter. First I want to thank all of the awesome people who post comments on our posts. All of you make us smile, laugh, and give encouragement with all of your words so THANK YOU!!!!!!!

I have taken day off to attend a meeting for a "Caring Committee" I serve on. I saw some dear friends and some have given me some great ideas for this blog (more later). I rushed back as Mark has an interview to work in a retail store (not the BIG career BUT a real job-good news and I hope it works out). Mark loves banana bread and I thought I would bring him some from my breakfast meeting as a treat. He just called from the car to tell me the banana bread has alcohol in it and he could taste it! The fear this evoked inside of me-what if I am responsible for him slipping because of a craving set off by a piece of banana nut bread?????? The alcohol was minuscule-probably vanilla extract-AMAZING he could taste it...UNBELIEVABLE and eye opening...It is like a child with peanut allergies we have to be vigilant about everything he eats in and just to reinforce that point one of my fire alarms in the house just went off with that deafening buzz!!!!!! Message from higher power. Mark is sober enough and in recovery enough to do just fine, but I called him to make sure he was OK as I feel awful. He said his body is reacting weird and he feels sick, all from a bite of banana nut bread cooked with some alcohol ingredients.

Good news is that he is honest enough and sober enough in mind and body to recognize this and will go to an AA meeting after his interview. AND we have a movie screening tonight of a friend's film, all about recovery from alcoholism. So I think it will be OK and this was a reminder from our HP to be vigilant about what we drink and what we eat!!!!

I was going to write a funny blog about all the tricks addicts use to hide their behavior and their alcohol-things Mark has shared with me that are eye opening but I am going to save that for another blog since I have been thrown off track by the banana nut bread.

Instead I will piss and moan about the lack of understanding in the court system and the ignorance of the news media covering Lindsay Lohan and other celebrities with addictions and glamorizing it. Let's not forget the current tag line "Paris Hilton going to jail: How Long Will She Stay?" She should stay as long as any other person would stay. She will go out and break the law again and she does not take this seriously. She needs much more serious consequences (see my probation idea below) The only real view of addiction and what it does to you was the recent video of David Hasselhoff showing his "dark side".

Mark is about to finish his "penance" for his DWI. He still blames me for his getting a DWI! Yes I did call the police and inform them that he was driving drunk but I am not the person who got behind the wheel drunk and drove a car intoxicated well beyond the legal limit. I am also not the person who stuck 2 fingers up to the court and ignored my responsibilities to the point where a harsher sentence was imposed:random urine tests for 6 months, daily AA meetings, an 8 week driving class, one Mothers Against Drunk Driving class, and no drinking. But in Mark's sobriety he no longer rages at me for doing this to him he accepts the consequences and moves on....BUT it is astonishing to hear, from the mouth of a sober alcoholic, what active alcoholics think and what they will do. Last night Mark attended his MADD (mothers against drunk driving) class. He observed several people attending who were drunk (they drank in their cars and then washed it down with mouthwash before entering) and others who got into their cars and had a drink immediately after the workshop. Alcoholism is cunning and baffling....and alcoholics can not drink.! When he attended the driving class the first think he was told was that this class will teach you how to drink and drive responsibly. There is no such thing-especially for an alcoholic. An attorney was recently interviewed on TV about Lindsay Lohan. He said she would get off lightly since it was her first offense...Why should she or anyone be allowed to get off lightly-there should be a ZERO tolerance policy for drinking and driving. The courts know nothing
about AA or Alanon and less about recovery. The courts do nothing to resolve the problem...this is true with most crimes. For addicts they should be put on one year probation and remanded to one year of supervised community service and subjected to random drug and alcohol testing. Failure to comply wiht terms should result in immediate "rehab" incarceration. There are enough addicts out there for there to be a "reahb" incarceraqtoin-this would be group meetings and continuous exposure to AA and effects of drug and alcohol abuse...that might do a bit more good than what is being done-and it probably would cost less in the long run.

Back to the madness of recovery today. Mark's interview lasted 15 minutes and he was told he has to come back and meet someone else...Every time mark goes for an interview there is a story as to why it doesn't happen....I ask a few questions and i get screamed at...and today I really screwed it all up by innocently giving him a piece of bread that had alcohol in it. Fortunately for me I know how to detach from his screaming and ranting and not react. That is what I will do for the rest of today, I will take care of myself, and I will pray he gets through the day sober.

I was up late last night so I am going to take a rest now and will write more tomorrow.

Love

2007-05-30T05:28:00.000-07:00

Life today is really hard. But life today for us as a couple has all the possibility of a good relationship because Mark is finally sober and realistic about life and responsibilities. Mark is lovable and I can truly stick by him as long as he stays honest, clean and sober. Of course his addiction has cost us mostly everything and today I will have to confront the possible loss of our home to foreclosure and seriously consider selling the only asset we have left before we lose it. This is devastating, especially since it really does not take much to hang on to it, if we both had ordinary jobs, but between the two of us we can't find work and can't cover our expenses. Both of us are bright and both of us have screwed up our careers in the past. I actually believe that Mark will get back on track and one day so will I but for now, it would be good to be able to survive. It is downright scary!!!

Mark keeps sharing with me that his friends in AA say "don't work for a year", "don't drink and all will fall into place" AND finally mark is realistic about life and dealing with reality.IN reality he needs to and wants to work, as do I. I shared these AA comments with my Alanon sponsor and she responded "What an alcoholic thing to say" and to remind mark to take what you like and leave the rest...Mark and I agree with her 1000%. Not working is a bunch of bullshit.

There are some good things in the hopper for Mark ranging from a job in a retail store to a consulting position with a larger firm...There is a BIG difference in the pay for these positions but either one would be fine. As for me I have an interview tomorrow, at the company I am working part time at. I am not sure I will qualify for the position but as always I am going to give it my best shot.

SO how are we recovering as a family today?????? We are loving each other through this and with sobriety able to be supportive. I am dealing with tremendous mood swings from mark and they are hard to take but because of my program I am loving and dealing with it. I also have my own depression and mood swings but can not show mark my sadness as it is too much for him to handle But he knows anyway....

Last week was my birthday. I did not feel special. This weekend I went to visit my uncle's new home. I enjoyed myself with our son, mark did not go. My uncle is very wealthy I wish he could help us out with work but he can't. It was first time I had been away in awhile..Leaving home costs money and I can not afford $50 in gas.....the money pot is dry and I pray it fills up soon. My mom's birthday was this week. She can no longer speak and when I called to sing to her I could not hear her voice....

All in all I am ready for a nervous breakdown...But as mark said to me, he can't live without me..and in recovery I can't live with out him.....So today I really know what for richer or poorer and in sickness and in health really means in the weeding vows and I pray that our love can help us achieve all we dream of.

PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS PLEASE!!!! From all our friends who read our blog and the universe.

Hunter

The grind

2007-05-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Mark alcoholic,

I am alone for 2 days ,Hunter has gone to the Hampton's,I am just not ready for that yet ,people places and things.I am in a good place today safe sober and working very hard on my recovery.

I really did not plan this but it has happened and I have to look forward ,my past is part of who I am my character and I cant change that.My sponsor has been telling me to look for the good in myself and focus only on today for recovery and the future as I start to live a full life.

I have been attending meetings daily and last week I had some ups and downs but that I am told is normal.I ran my little meeting Friday and it was fun to be able to make people laugh at some of my antics and to help the group stay sober for 24 hours.

I wanted to share something funny but that depends how you look at it ,I never like to see a fellow AA suffer at the men's meeting on Thursday called the Rolex meeting one of our very sober members with 20 years sobriety was pontificating about the programme the trees and the rivers he is a nature nut and at the end of his share at 7.45 am he said one of us need to pick up today if we don't want to and we can have a sober day a friend of mine said it was to late he already had started drinking ,the way it came out was very funny but also a painful reminder of the disease of alcoholism and as a chronic alcoholic I could totally understand I have done the same thing many times and I am not a saint!

The amount of meetings and numbers of people suffering and recovering in my town is mind blowing I have a choice of at least 4 early bird meetings every day and then others all through the day so there is plenty of help for us if we need it.

The areas of recovery I have worked on this week are honesty,acceptance,and gratitude all very important for me and. composure a big one .

Friend from AA calling got to go .

more later Mark alcoholic.

Handling disappointment with an attitude of Recovery

2007-05-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

HI all it is Hunter.

My dream job interview went great the first day and I was asked to return on the second day. On that day I met with just one person who told me that I was not the right person for the job but that she liked me and would like to see me working at the organization coming in at a lower level. She told me that she has seen the other resumes for the position and that I am one of the weaker candidates. Then she suggested I should write to the hiring authority and ask about other opportunities or I would probably end up with no job at all there.

I thought about this, discussed it with a few trusted advisers, and decided why not. SO I did as suggested and I was basically told thanks for your honesty but we have no such opportunities...I was screwed! I am ideal for the job I interviewed for and can hit the ground running and have all the required skills..I am pissed off that I tipped my hand, on someones advice too soon and baffled.

I went back to the person who suggested I take this approach and asked her if she had any other advice. Her response was weird she said "you will be an asset in your new position. That is your fortune cookie." I have no idea what to make of this.

I am thinking about contacting HR and discussing this as it borders on unprofessional and some of my friends have suggested that the person I met has someone else in mind for the job. I really don't know what to do as I really do not want to slam the door shut.

SO I am processing my feelings over the weekend and praying for clarity and will figure out my next course of action on Monday. Do I call HR, do I call the woman who suggested I take this tact...I have no idea. But what I do know is that I have to let it go and move on....

I am not sure what the lesson is here...maybe it is to not react so quickly and to take time to reflect..maybe I should have not written that email to the hiring authority until the process was over...I might have landed the job, and i might not have....It might have been more appropriate to write it after I was rejected..But I was told I would be rejected for the position and that this woul be a good way to keep the door open...Very confusing indeed.

So, Mark is not working and I make very little money. I needed this job to take care of my family. My sponsor says Mark should work and that I am enabling him by allowing him not to. She is right. But she has never lived with an recovering alcoholic. Recovery is different from active addiction. Mark is doing all the right things and everyday he is getting better. He knows he needs to work and no amount of nagging will make him work any sooner. All I can do is focus on me.

I know that if Mark was not sober and if I was alone going through my work situation I would fall apart completely. Mark and our son are all I have and I am lucky to have this.

I am burned out from the job search process and baffled by this recent experience. I have been so rejected recently that I feel like a completely undesirable loser. I feel like many women have advanced degrees and more experience than me and with more of them in the workforce my opportunities are limited...AM I destined to be a glorified telemarketer for the remainder of my career? It is killing me..But I must move forward.

The weather is horrible today so I have made it a PJ day for me. I stayed in bed until noon and read a great novel, Mark gave me a 20 minute foot rub (which I love), I made lunch for my family, did some work and blogging on the computer and when I finish this I will send Mark and my son to his baseball game and I will do some aerobics and yoga. I will then come for the last few innings of the game. Today i am being good to me.

As for the situation with my interview. I am processing it, writing about it, talking about it to people I know, and praying for guidance. I am not reacting, I have already done enough of that, and I am praying,. I pray I can reopen the door and I am praying for guidance and strength.
I am NOT falling apart and not immediately reacting. I am processing and thinking things through...That is what the peace and serenity of recovery helps us to do....

Please keep me in your prayers...

Patience

2007-05-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

It has been a long but great day. I had an all day interview for a dream job at a non-profit. My expereince in the corporate world combined with my "hard knocks" make me a terrific candidate for this position. I kind of feel like I am in American Idol as there were over 100 applicants for this position and only 5 were chosen for interviews. The fact taht I got that far tells me I am a winner! BUT I do need the income and pray I am THE finalist. I won't know if I made the cut until the end of June. Waiting is frustrating but I have no control over this. I have done everything that I am in control of. Patience is necessary.

As for Mark. I am very proud of him working his program and getting to 5 months of sobriety. I am sorry that it hurts him so much to confront his past and feel frustrated for his current inertia in moving forward as a provider. I do my best to be encouraging and to bite my tongue and not say anything that might upset him. He is so sensitive right now that he overreacts to everything I say or do. I have to practice all the wisdom I have learned in Alanon to not react, detach with love, and let things go...how important is it...and gratitude....I am grateful that he is not drinking and working on becoming a good person every day that he is sober....It sounds funny to be grateful for someone not drinking...>BUT for anyone who has lived in an addictive relationship that involved alcohol, or any other substance abuse it is completely understandable.
Patience is necessary......

Mark is doing really well in being honest with himself for the first time since I know him and in learning not to run but to work through it and talk about it...This is such amazing progress and recovery..I pray that he learns to be proud of this and to keep moving forward....Grieving for loss and for our past is an important process in getting better. Mark has never truly grieved over many things that happened to him long before I met him, instead his alcoholism took over...This is a really hard process and he is doing a great job.....Patience is necessary-on his part and mine.

My sponsor has told me throughout my recovery to be patient and continue to do the next right thing.....I have done this and things have gotten better...I also hear her gentle voice, during the active drinking period, reminding me that my husband is very sick and to try and understand...also pointing out to me how I can change my behavior....she has been a remarkable guiding force for me for the past few years and her guidance has helped me understand the need for patience.....

Being patient is really hard. But the best things are always worth waiting for...I know that having a husband who is not drinking and working on living sober everyday was definitely worth waiting for, and I pray that our financial situation turns around soon as we have been waiting.

Tonight I will dream about my day today and the opportunity that has presented itself and pray that all turns out well. As I stated earlier...TO be one of a select few invited for an interview is an honor in and of itself.....Now time to be patient and pray....I hope you all include me in your prayers and that in the future I am blogging about my amazing new job.

So for today the word is patience in all my affairs.

Regards,

Hunter

enough is enough

2007-05-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

Mark alcoholic,

I have had another bad day and I am starting to question recovery. I know for sure that drinking is not an option! I was just thinking that I would love to write a commercial for the drinks industry from an alcoholic's point of view. This is the copy:

Want to lose 10 years of your life and destroy those around you? Then Drink This and one day at a time you will achieve your dream!

I know that millions of people can drink normally and don't have the disease I have and that's great. I have to start to get deeper inside my past and discover what has caused me to be so remorseful. There has to be something in my past that added to my alcoholism.

My son just came home so that's a help. I really hate the negative thoughts I am having. I really am a very positive guy. I just am going through hell at the moment,and I USED TO SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL AND I JUST CANT SEE IT TODAY.

Time takes Time I hate that

2007-05-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic,

I hate waiting for things to get better and being patient! I guess today is a bad day. The weather is turning nasty and I am very down. Doing all the right things not drinking,talking to my sponsor and other AAs just kind of fed up nothing going Mark's way.

I have so much pent up anger inside me and I just hate myself. Nothing is going the way I want. This disease in recovery is not just not drinking, there are years of mess to fix and today I can't fix it. So I have to let go.

I did speak with my daughter today who I thought had stopped talking to me but she has been busy. I always think the worst and I must try to stop that.

My wife has a big interview tomorrow, the car is going in for service, and everything is just too much for me. I am already starting to figure out how to deal with my wife when she starts to blame me for maybe not getting the job and what I should be doing is working on how to help her focus with positive energy.

I do have a great wife whom I love dearly but I must say she is always reminding me of the damage I did and I don't know if it will ever stop. I know what I did and that's why I go to my meetings. I guess I have to hope that will change in time. I don't blame her one bit but it is very hard to be reminded every day of what an asshole I know I became when I know!

Recovery is hard work I know if I stick with it (do I have a choice)? things will eventually get better but it is hard. Meetings day in day out, lack of self esteem, embarrassed, lonely and totally fed up. You see I live in a very wealthy town and I am not wealthy today. I have been and will be again even if it is not as before. BUT I must not let anything get in front of my sobriety or I am done for. I hope and pray Hunter gets that. I really don't want to go through another recovery!

I must start a gratitude list. It is very hard when you partner says it would be nice to do nice things. We have a beach, bikes, a great dog, a nice home, our health, and each other. Yes things should be better and at 47 years old I am not happy living with money issues, in debt, and unable to pay the bills.

I have the power to change that and take care of my family. I have choices and I have a future if I don't drink. I want this I feel better now I have written to an unknown group of friends.

I guess life goes on with me or not, I want to be a player in the game but I can only play sober.

More later.

Thanks .

Grumpy.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

2007-05-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter,

Getting back on track is really hard. I have written before that I have been struggling to get a decent job. I have an amazing job interview this Thursday and i am very excited. As part of the interview process they will do a credit check..This will be a problem as my credit is about as bad is it can get including mortgage defaults, etc....BUT I have both the professional experience and the personal experience to make me an ideal candidate for the position. I have processed how to handle the credit issue with several people I trust and I have decided to be honest upfront so they are not surprised and to present it in a positive way-I CHOSE to put my family first and became a caregiver for my mom, my husband, and my child. It was impossible to work full time and carry this burden. I worked as many odd jobs as I could and took advantage of gov't assistance programs but i still have not been able to pay my bills... This job can change all of that. AND it is not just another job it is an amazing opportunity that I would really enjoy. SO to my friends who read this blog, please send prayers. I will need them. I am really going to put 1000% into this interview opportunity, including buying a new outfit tomorrow (a big splurge).

Other stuff. Mark is almost 5 months sober. It is hard for him and I understand. It is the first time he has dealt with his feelings instead of running away from them..It makes him hard to live with but I am also so very proud of him and full of respect for his commitment to recovery.

Lots' to do but I am exhausted.

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO POST COMMENTS ON OUR BLOG. WE BOTH READ THEM OFTEN AND IT MAKES US BOTH FEEL GREAT TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS AND KNOW THAT OUR SHARING OF OUR EXPERIENCE HELPS OTHERS.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

2007-05-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

To all mothers who read this Happy Mother's Day to you. I woke up to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely cards from my son. He makes everyday of my life worth living and he is the one thing I have wanted more than anything in life. SO today I am lucky to be a mom and lucky to have such a wonderful son. and so very very grateful.

Last year my son and I were on our own and Mark was drunk out of his mind someplace in East Hampton, New York. It was a very difficult period of time for all of us. But my wonderful son made my day very special. Somehow this 7 year old boy managed to save money to take me to a decent restaurant for dinner and managed to find someone to take him to the store without my knowing to buy flowers and cards. He did everything to make mother's day very very special and he did.

He is an awesome kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I miss my mom terribly. I am going to call her in a little while, and as always when I hang up the phone cry as she does not know who I am and I can not be near her to hug her. It is times like this that I am grateful for the wonderful times I shared with her and the special closeness she and I always had..I love you mom so very much..That is what I will tell her when I call and I pray that in the recesses of her mind she knows it is me and knows how much I love her.

Today we will spend mother's day as a family and do something special.

I just sent an email to a friend of mine whose mom died a few weeks ago. In it I shared with her that the first year without someone we love is difficult every time there is a holiday. This mother's day I am not alone with my son but my husband is with us and he is sober (this means not drinking and working on this thinking!). It might not have turned out this way. I am grateful that it did.

One other thought for today, a little unrelated but a thought that I have: Yesterday a friend of Mark's from AA came over. He is a carpenter and repaired a piece of furniture that was broken in one of Mark's drunken stupors. But he had the furniture in his shop for close to a month....He was not drinking when he started to work on it and then he slipped. When he came here yesterday to bring it back fixed he looked fine to me. Mark said he was not fine and could tell by talking to him. He was unable to do other work he was supposed to do here and Mark said he was looking for money...Money Mark knew he would spend on beer. What a horrible illness this alcoholism is..Also for me I realized how cunning and baffling alcoholism is. Based on what I went through with Mark I thought i could spot an alcoholic and their behavior. WRONG. I thought his friend was fine. This makes me so mad. Today I pray for this guy AND in the spirit of mother's day I pray for all the children who's mom's suffer from this disease. This disease robs them from a happy, joyous, free, and loving relationship together. And for those families where mom is in recovery I pray that they appreciate the wonderful gift and miracle that they have.

And for my little family. I pray we have a good day.

Happy Mother's Day.

Hunter

Not Angry...Grateful

2007-05-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter.

I returned home with our son and 2 of his friends for an impromptu sleepover. Mark really was not in the mood for this but quickly adjusted...I am sorry he had not such a great night, but grateful that he blogged and worked through his feelings. He is doing great with his recovery and yes he is a miracle who was written off by most everyone. Mark never does things halfway, it is always with 100% intensity, focus, obsession, and passion. He drank with intensity and he is recovering with passion, focus, commitment, and intensity. THank GOd for recovery and for the laughter I hear in our son's room with his friends. Mark has gone off to bed and I am headed there too...I am exhausted.

Until tomorrow..

The dark side

2007-05-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic .

I was just thinking ,not good for AAs to think! But my son is very smart. Whenever I rage and I really hate it he just tells me its my dark side. I do believe that when we drink we change totally like Jekyll and Hyde .

Alcoholism is a rampant illness. I have started to hear people call this an illness. I am reading about my genes and trying to find out what has caused me to be in so much anguish. I don't know if it is in the genes but I will be posting an article about Alcoholism and our genes written by John Nurnberger Jr. and Laura Jean Bierut and published in the Scientific American. I think then notion that alcohlism is in our genes is just another excuse but I must research all parts of this thing I am at war with so I am fully equipped to deal with it.

I am getting excited now because Hunter and my son will be back soon and I can't wait to see them. That is funny as I remember when I was active and I could not wait to be alone so I could just drink. Believe me it is not like that now .

I hope she is not angry with my blog it is after all my true feelings.

That's it for tonight, may your Gods go with you!

Mark .

keep bloging-wheres my phone list

2007-05-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

I have left my phone list in the car so I am having problems calling some AAs. Blogging will help. I really did not plan for my life to end up like this and it is not going to! I want to be remembered one day for being a good guy and not as I have bragged about in the past as someone who lived by the sword ad died by the sword. I want to live honestly fairly and to be liked -loved for who I am and not by bravado.

I often think that God has and will use me for a reason,what? I do not know. I do know that after the lunch time meeting a lot of my recovering friends still struggling talked with me and mentioned that if I can do this so can they. I was written off by many people in and out of the program and was told I would not make it. TODAY I HAVE MADE IT AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO ONE DAY AT A TIME....THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.

Most of us AAs are very smart it amazes me why we did what we did. I think it's a lot more than just the obsession and genetic part that makes us the way we are andI guess the person who can figure that out does not exist. Why knowingly would you basically try and kill yourself? It truly is insanity.

I think one of the great things about AA is that you constantly get reminded about the first drink. My wife drinks very little. She used to drink with me a little too much. But she was able to stop and is able to control her drinking. When we go out she has 1-2 glasses of wine. I just don't get that. Why bother?

I have an obligation to take care of my wife and son, but I am no use to man or beast if I drink. I will continue to put recovery first because I know it will work and we will all be fine as long as I protect my sobriety with all my energy. All is possible ,they deserve it and so do I.

Thanks Mark

Alcoholic

alone again

2007-05-11T16:35:00.001-07:00

alone again

2007-05-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

Mark alcoholic

I cannot believe I just lost 1 hour of blogging! My disease wins tonight. I am not drinking nor am I going to but my disease is 10% drinking and 90% thinking. I started the day well a great meeting, good feedback ,I came home and Hunter was down I don't blame her she did not want to go to her office and I always think its my fault and its not there is nothing about that I control other than getting back on track and taking care of my family .

I had choices tonight... great choices! I could have gone to play tennis. I could have gone to Spiderman 3 with my son, wife, and 3 of his friends, or I could have gone to a 5:30 meeting. What did I do? I stayed home alone. The disease won!

I am so pissed of about losing that other blog but I will try to finish this one.

I have to stay sober no matter what!!!!! I want my old life back. The money, the business, and all the stuff. But it will take time. I want to take care of my loved ones more than you can believe. Hunter does not believe me, most of the time I know she cares for me and she is a wonderful person. She deserves better. She is all I have- her and my son and I fear I will lose them, no, I know for sure I will lose them if I drink !

I called my sponsor and some other AA's tonight and was reminded that I have been a cronic alcoholic progressing for 25 years. The more I talk the better I feel I just hate myself. The internal rage is eating me up and I want it to stop. I know the only way is to stay close to my program or I am done for!

I watched David Hasseldof on tv beeing videod by hiS daughter drunk. I have been in the same state he was in in the video and I never want that again. But we are all close if we do forget what we were like. Recovery is hard work and non alcoholics cannot ever fully understand recovery. My wife does an incredible job with me and I do really want all of my life back .

Being reminded by Hunter daily really hurts. I go to my meetings every day to be reminded and it is very painful. I don't blame her one bit. It's just tough to handle every day.

I wish she had taken her cell phone so I could be with them all for pizza and see how happy my son is with his friends. I wont be so stupid next time.

The underling message for this post is that my disease wants me alone and vulnerable. I don't mind being alone most of the time. It is just today for some reason I can't explain it but by writing it down it feels a whole lot better.

Today I have a gift and I must do my gratitude list and be satisfied today for what I have and not for what I have not. I have the chance to live a new life free of alcohol with great wife and son and a great golden retriever named Duke. I have not mentioned Duke before. He is very much a part of our family in recovery. So I guess I was not honest about being alone... a white lie but as my wife would remind me still a lie. Duke is home with me so I am not alone and it is time to let him out.

Thanks for letting me share.

Mark alcoholic.

DEALING WITH WHAT IS AND NOT FALLING APART

2007-05-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

Good Morning from Hunter.

Today's thought for the day from Hazelden speaks to me in a very special way. RECOVERY is about making life manageable and putting our best selves into everything we do. Accepting that sometimes things don't work out as we would like but that as long as we continue to do the next right thing and have faith that all will turn out fine. It is not always easy to accept this concept, but truthfully, it is the only concept that works...Feeling sorry for ourselves, being resentful, and expecting others to "rescue" us, believing we are fine when we are not, denial, and not knowing how to reach out to others and communicate sets up up for failure, depression and despair.

I spent most of my life being the "baby"...I was the youngest of 4 by 12-16 years and everyone took care of me. I did not learn the tools I needed in order to be self reliant or socially competent-I never had to as there was always someone there to pick up the pieces. And then I lost my entire emotional and financial security-which I have talked about in earlier posts-my mom's Alzheimer's and my husband's disease. I feel like I fell apart. And truthfully I did.

Putting myself back together has been a hard struggle but I am stronger and a better person today than I have ever been. It is hard to do things that I don't want to, like go to low paying job and not be appreciated for my experience and talents and to be passed over for promotions; BUT I have learned humility and I keep my head down and do what I have to and know that something better will come.

Also I have learned to listen to my inner voice. That voice tells me that sometimes I need a "mental health day". Today is one of those days. I am really uncomfortable in my current work situation and do not want to be there today. I am not a salaried employee and my not coming to work does not cost the company any money. I do need the money and the job and am grateful to have something but today I need to take care of myself. As the Hazelden thought states today "The person who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds greatest happiness when using it". My talents are overlooked at my current place of work and I am miserable... I am frustated that I do not have the opportunity to contribute the talents I have been given. I am down on myself and feel that I am unlikeable. I need today to recharge, build the strength to know that this situation is only temporary and that I am OK just as I am and to figure out how to put my talents to work that in a way that will fulfill my soul and my pocketbook.

Like I said in a previous post-recovering as a family is exhausting and the financial stress we are under is killing me. I need some alone time and that is what I will get today. Mark was upset that I told him I was not going to go to work and I felt as though he was pushing me to do something I knew was wrong for me for today. I told him to go to a noon meeting and he was hurt that I wanted to be alone. Truthfully he needed the meeting and I needed the time alone. Alcoholics always think it is always all about them. We are learning to communicate and thankfully he did go to his meeting and I am home alone decompressing.

Part of my topic for today of Dealing with what is and not falling apart is allowing ourselves quiet time to decompress, focus, grieve for whatever we don't have or have lost, and use this time to recharge so that we can move forward. SO that is what my today is all about...AND I pray that at the end of the day I am recharged and moving forward.

What was shattered inside me has been repaired with a strong solid foundation, and parts of me that never "worked" properly have also been repaired and are getting stronger each day of my recovery.

Today I am living in recovery and I can see the difference....today I pray for those who can not.

Below is Today's Gift from Hazelden....It truly says it all:

"Depression and Despair What am I doing with what I've got? Instead of despairing over my lack of abilities in certain areas, am I doing the best with the talents I've been given?All of us have unique gifts and abilities. Some of us work well with our hands; others are gifted at working with abstract ideas. Whatever our abilities, we would do well to concentrate on bringing those we can do to fruition rather than focus on our limitations.Greek philosopher Epictetus put it this way: "He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." German poet and dramatist Goethe said, "The man who is born with a talent which he is meant to use finds his greatest happiness in using it." TODAY, let me not concentrate on my handicaps as much as on my abilities. I know I have been given all I need to make my life a success.Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best.--Harry Emerson Fosdick "

Recovering as a Family is Challenging

2007-05-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter.

This is a short blog as I am tired. What is happening to me in this process of recovery is exhausting. I have prayed for Mark to get sober for so long and am so very grateful for his commitment to his recovery, our marriage, and our child.

IN order for him to recover he has to eat, sleep, live and breath AA 24/7. I am very supportive of this and would not have it any other way , but sometimes it wears me out. It is wonderful for us to banter and talk with each other, and tonight we sat down to the dinner table as a family and it was really nice...I can't remember doing this very much in the past. It is great to see Mark sitting outside on our stoop reading an AA book and relaxing instead of falling down drunk..It has been such a nightmare these past few years.

Like so many in this situation I was desperate to keep my family together...I am grateful that it has turned out this way..Each day Mark stays sober and does not drink his mind gets clearer and our life together gets better. AND I am focusing more and more on me and those around me.

I have been on a big kick to get our son into shape as he has terrible eating habits and is overweight. I have done this by paying attention to my weight problem and working on it together. I cook delicious meals and desserts that taste fattening but are not and am helping him to be aware of when he overeats, how to make up for this, and what healthy choices are...I am doing the same for me and starting to think about herbal supplements and more vitamins....One day at a time. We are losing weight very slowly but I know it will pay off. AND it is the first time in a long time that I actually see myself as a thin person once again.

It is hard to deal with Mark's mood swings and to be accepting of the fact that that all of his behavior will not change overnight...I manage this by being grateful for his not drinking and focusing on myself as much as I can.

This of course would be much easier if we had an income that could pay our basic bills and work toward restoring our credit....One day at a time is great wisdom, as is gratitude, but it is time for our finances to take a turn for the better and time for Mark to contribute.....I am and have been doing all I can, it is time for Mark to do the same...

It is hard for me to accept that this might be a trigger to drink as it was in the past. BUT today I really do trust Mark's recovery and believe that he will not drink no matter what. It is wonderful to hear him observe others and start to admit that he was as sick, if not sicker than them.

We are all slowly becoming happy joyous and free and it is amazing to see our son smiling an laughing most of the time like real kids do on a regular basis-a luxury he did not have last year when things were at their worst, or most of his life for that matter.

I am rambling all over the place on this post...I guess what I want to say is that I am focusing on me, grateful for the change in our lives and the love we have together, and am happy to be moving forward...glad to see Mark confronting and dealing with his past rather then burying it and drinking and happy to finally be free to focus more on me and my needs and at the same time have a partner in life who loves me and is committed to our family. We really do have a lot to learn, for the first time, and a lot to discover about ourselves and each other....and thanks to recovery we will have the chance.

When Mark was active my mother would often ask me if I loved him..I was unable to answer at the time as I was not sure I did love him as an active alcoholic but always knew he was very special and a kindred spirit for me...He is almost 6 months sober today and I am finally getting to see that man and falling back in love more and more each day. I am still hurt and disappointed and frustrated by old alcoholic behaviors but so very grateful to observe him working on learning new non-alcoholic responsible behaviors. Each new change brought about by sobriety and working the AA program brings so much joy to me, to him, and to our family.

The peace and serenity and calmness that we are starting to experience... The enjoyment of just being together and doing simple things. The normal things that most people take for granted are starting to happen..It is wonderful and there is hope. We are lucky and in love....one day at time.

Hopefully my next post will make a bit more sense and not ramble so.

..Hunter

never forget

2007-05-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic,

I said I would keep blogging so here goes . I am amazed at built in forgetters. I was in hell when I drank-sweats, pain, alone, sad, all the worst in the world was upon me yet time and time again I drank. this alcoholism is very powerful .

I was talking to a friend after a meeting tonight he has 5 days back and has been in AA for 4 years. This guy is not a fool he just has a disease that is cunning baffling and deadly. It kils me to see the pain he is in.

I often wondered why the old timers would tell me why they keep going to meetings for so many years. Now I know we are and always will be alcoholic. Most of us do things to the extreme. We are an intelligent bunch when sober yet when drinking we decline into an unknown uncontrollable world.

No more for me. I can't sit here and say I wont drink again. I can say I did not drink today and I will pray for tomorrow to be the same as for me to drink is certain ruin.

My meetings are full of interesting people with great big egos and all types of backgrounds. I kind of like watching the little clicks in the rooms. Most of are like little school boys or girls and have our own groups. Frankly I try to stay away from this. We all have one thing in common that levels the field - alcohol !

I will be running the open discussion meeting tomorrow and am getting tired so will update more tomorrow. If you did not drink today well done if you did you have tomorrow for a new beginning ,remember tomorrow May11Th is the first day we have all be sober together in 2007 one day at a time.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE STAY IN TOUCH . MARKY MARK- MY NICK NAME .

you cant change the past -but it still hurts

2007-05-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

Mark Alcoholic,

Thank you ,whoever you are for responding to my writing it helps me greatly to know I am not alone in recovery and neither are you no matter what our situation .

I am one angry bastard today. My disease is playing havoc on me. Its not that I want to drink but I really am starting to remember. I am at war with this thing alcohol. It has cost me one marriage two daughters and millions of dollars and some part of my health. I have lost friends and family. That's where the great good old days of drinking ended up taking me.

I don't want to get on the pity pot and some part of me is telling me it is good to feel the way I do and get it out. I must remember to do my gratitude list. I have not lost everything and I have a chance. Others have not been so lucky! This stuff kills and I am alive to tell a story. I will with all my new found friends live a sober alcohol free life. No matter what else life has to offer me I will stay sober!

Hunter and I went to dinner tonight and I do put her through some tough stuff. Recovery is not easy. It's a new relationship. I know if I put my recovery first all is possible. I know she wants a good life and the family to be strong and for me to live responsibly and take care of us. I also want this and if I stay on track it will happen.

A friend of my shared this morning at the early bird meeting. He has 18 years and he shared that if we told some of our stories as open and honestly to people not in the rooms the way we share they just would not believe us. I respect these guys. This guy was facing 20 year jail time years ago and is now one of the most successful builders in my town - all made possible by working the program with as he calls us his family of AA .

A mate of mine told me that he can tell me things having known me for 4 months things he can't tell his own father of 45 years . I cant explain this AA gift well to my own father as when I call him in Spain he often is toasting my recovery and telling me how well I am doing while drinking a glass of champagne with my mother. She is an alcoholic in denial and he has been hospitalized in the past for pancreatitis! I really don't want to know.

My past is part of my character and I am some character (EGO MUCH ???) Since I am English I am noticed when I share. Another AA told me yesterday he always likes my shares they make him laugh. I helped keep him sober yesterday. We talked about choosing a sponsor. I have a few sponsors, not drinks, and I said this time I have gone with some one bigger than me to keep in line. I am 6-4 and he is bigger. He also has 17 years and is a great guy. I think its a good idea for me to work well with a sponsor I respect and I see how different parts of recovery have needed different types of help.

Its really cool to have a sponsor and by the way I am also very proud to be a member of AA. I protect others anonymity always and mine when necessary but I also sing the praises. I know this is a touchy subject but if I had cancer and went into remission and was asked where I got better I would tell everyone about the hospital the doctor etc. If you would have seen me 5 months ago and now you would ask me what medication I was on and what doctor I work to overcome alcoholism. My answer to you would be simple the AA tablet and doctor Bob and his mates .

I have bounced around with this tonight I am not in a good place but by blogging I feel a little better please if you read this pray for my anger to be lifted I only mean well and my journey will be bumpy but with all the support in the world we can all get and stay sober together ,and I promise to blog daily.Keep reading please and sending me your comments they keep me going.

Thanks for letting me share .

Mark alcoholic.

living in the moment

2007-05-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

Mark alcoholic,

Good day. Today got a little grumpy but tried to work through it. The meeting was OK this morning some funny stuff ,I always remind myself when I start a meeting why I am there and that is to stay away from alcohol for 24 hours that is the prime reason I show up.

One share I liked was that us alcoholics love to get appreciation from those around us for fixing the chaos we created. Seems a little strange. Anyway I am hoping to minimize the chaos I create if not eliminate it by working my program . Another share was funny. One guy divorced said he found living with pictures of his family was a lot easier than living with them, including his ex wife !

So the journey continues.....I try to stay upbeat everyday and believe that my higher power has a plan for me and for my life. I expect no miracles but if I work the program I do believe the promises will come true .

I am having a lot of past memories come up and believe me it hurts! This disease has cost me so much but I must remain grateful as I do still have my life !

My wife just called very distressed my son is acting out in a store. We really need to start to restrict his TV and work on his diet. I must start to lead by example and come up with a solid plan. I have put him through so much but there do have to be some rules. We cannot blame my disease for all the problems but I must remain calm and try to be understanding ,not easy.

I have had little contact with my daughters and there is some issue but I don't know what to do other than to pray and again be patient. I do believe all is possible if I don't drink,but it is also about stepping into action and I need to be more pro active as opposed to re active!

I am starting to become very dedicated to recovery and who ever reads my blog I hope you will find the ultimate gift. I fought my alcoholism for so long with denial as a huge part of my problem. For today I have that gift and the greatest gift of all is to help another alcoholic .

Thanks for letting me share .

Mark alcoholic.

UNSOLICITED ADVICE IS CRITICISM

2007-05-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Sunday from Hunter-

This is a quick but important post for me. Recently my eldest sister, who is not really close to me and not a part of my day to day life, has communicated with me on an a fairly frequent basis. She is a therapist and in 12 step recovery for close to 20 years. She has never worked the steps of the recovery program and is very headstrong. She recently had a severe breakdown and tends to fall apart if things don't go her way. In her recent calls she proceeded to take my inventory by asking me if I was still going to Alanon meetings and I responded that I still go but not that frequently...That ended up in a long lecture from her about how I need to go to meetings...The next time we spoke she asked me if I was still in therapy...I have spent a lot of years in and out of therapy and believe that I have gotten what I need from my therapy and at this point, today, it is not a good use of my time...This is me listening to my inner voice.. Again she lectured me about my need for therapy stating that I have so much on my plate that there is no way i could handle this without therapy.....I resented her taking my inventory. I started to explain to her that today I do not feel I need therapy and that I truly believe that at some point we have to cut the umbilical chord from therapists and learn to stand our our own two feet and that today I am comfortable enough in my own skin to handle things... She vehemently disagreed with me. Inside I was raging mad..HOW DARE SHE? However, to her I said thank you for your concern and I understand. You see my recovery has taught me that feelings are not facts and that she is entitled to her opinion. I do not have to listen to her opinion but i also don't need to make her feel bad or invalidate her opinion. I also know that if I told he how I felt, she would listen and she would understand..BUt there really is no need to do this and it is much easier to let it go.

You see, people need to feel that they are right. The truth is that being right is irrelevant...Doing the next right thing for ourselves is all that matters. If we need others advice we can ask for it..BUT if we do not ask, it should not be given! When advice is given without asking, it is criticism..Most people I know don't like criticism and do not respond well to it. My sister is no different from me in that I used to behave in this way.

I had a recent experience that showed me how much recovery I have. A friend of mine asked to get together to network about job opportunities..She is a very successful businesswoman who knew me when I was at the height of my career. Today I am a failed successful businesswoman..My expereience with her showed me that I am not a failure at all and that good things are going to come my way. When she asked my thoughts I shared with her what I would do and I asked her if she would like my observations about what she could do better..She wanted my opinion. I shared my opinion by gently asking her questions and letting her discover what she needed to be doing better, rather than by telling her...She remarked that I am one of the smartest businesswoman she has ever met and could not understand why I was having so much trouble finding work....I pray her remarks get heard by the universe and that my luck changes...Never the less it felt great to be able to help her using my new found tools of living.

Finally, one more thought to share..I am so proud of Mark and how he is working his recovery. He is really learning to communicate and share his feelings openly and honestly and to focus on himself...It is wonderful to see and wonderful for our marriage. I am so happy that he is working his program of recovery and that he has found a new sponsor with 20 years of sobriety who is happily married...It is not my business who he chooses as a sponsor but I do believe choosing people whom we would like to mirror is important to helping us with recovery...Mirroring someone with a happy marriage is so very important for our future. While there is a lot of stuff to deal with in my life today, staying married and knowing my partner is truly committed to his recovery and to loving me and our son is a gift that his priceless....

Until tomorrow............

working on myself

2007-05-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

I am Mark alcoholic. Seems that people miss me when I don't blog. Sorry for the delay.

I think my journey is to be long. I hear plenty of people telling my wife I am near a slip in resopnse to her blog posts because of my attitude and anger. I do not believe there is anything today that will make me drink, today, one day at a time. I should know better by now!!!!! I am by no means immune from my disease but my daily meetings, readings and constant contact with my sponsors is a great way of staying sober.

My big issues are to become more tolerant and calmer. This is the work on myself I need to do. I have spent years beating myself up and running away from myself. As long as I don't drink and stay focussed on my program of recovery all will become better. I can see some improvements and progress everyday that I don't drink.

Most people will always focus on the worst part of a person I just have to pray that I find the good in myself as I finish step 4 this week. I know it's in me to win my life back. I have the tools, the desire, and the passion. I also have team AA on my side the real gift of god as my captain.

As I deal with daily recovery I come across all kinds of characters. Some new, some old, some sober, and some still drunk. All these character's keep this alcoholic sober one day at a time .

I have a new sponsor whom I really respect and he keeps it simple. He always asks the following question: Did you drink today Mark? I answer an honest no! He then answers: 'Then you are having a good day.

I don't understand all of Alanon. I do know that it has helped my wife a great deal and for that I am grateful. She is doing well dealing with me....If I were in her shoes I would have dumped me some time ago!!!! THANK GOD FOR MY WIFE HUNTE!.

Today I was able to spend the afternoon with my son watching his team win baseball 21 to 19 and not worry about stinking of alcohol, running off for a beer in the portaloo, acting out and planning my schemes for the weekend of hiding my drinks, and other things revolving around drinking. What a nightmare I lived through!!!.

I will never be free of my past. It is part of my make up and who I am. There are parts I would change and things I would have done differently..wouldn't we all ? But today I have the gift of sobriety. For me this gift is mine for the keeping. It is hard work but it is also saving my life. When I stand before my creator one day it is me and nobody else who will have been responsible for my life and how I chose to live it .

Tired now and tomorrow is Sunday. I will be back to backing meetings the 7.30 am men's open discussion and the first summer meeting on the beach at 8.30 so I will have a good start to the day .

I have a very exciting future if I don't drink. I have responsibilities to my family and I want to be a great dad and a great husband. All of this is possible if I follow the instructions and learn daily about the new me. Now that's interesting! !!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me share .

Mark alcoholic.

GOOD DAYS

2007-05-04T05:44:00.000-07:00

OK It is Hunter again..Step one tells us to admit we are powerless over people, places, and things. So I am powerless over mark writing a daily blog...I wish he would but it is up to him to do so.

Where am I today? I have really solid program that helps me in all my affairs. It does not make my life perfect but it makes it manageable. I am still nervous about finances and frustrated at my inablitiy to get hired for jobs...But I do believe there is a plan and hte right thing will happen..Gods watch is on a completely different time zone than mine and VERY slow. BUT I feel God more and more each day.

Last year at this time I was working as a recruiter and HATED it! I did not like the person I worked for AND I was so overwhelmed with the chaous of alcoholism that I could not think straight. Mark was living in the Hamptons and DRUNK most of the time. Our son was in turmoil needing me so and so sad about not having a dad who could be there for him. Last year at this time I remember getting drunk and abusive phone calls and I remember Mark telling us he was an extra in SPiderman 3 always sounding drunk...I remember the house getting broken into and valuable things special to me stolen and the only suspect being mark-I have no idea why I put up with this behaviour other than to say that I too was very sick....I never want to go back to those days ever.

Today- we do everything as a family. Mark comes to school functions, he leads AA meetings and is devoted to his program, our son is happy and has a daddy who is there for him with a clear head and so much more. Mark and I are working together to rebuild the trust that has been shattered by alcoholism and things are getting better..I feel blessed for this.

There is still a lot of mistrust and wreckage of the past to clean up...ALl is happening slowly. A lot of it revolves around money,..I pray it gets straightened out. In fact there are some major issues I need to discuss with mark as soon as he returns from his meeting and I am dreading teh discussion. I think his voice will raise above a normal tone and he will flail about and nothing will get resolved...I am praying for guidance as I write this and praying that I say things in a way that Mark hears and responds appropriately to, not with anger and stupidity. . I have tremendous anxiety and anger as mark has a history of lying to me about money and I fear he is doing this once again.I pray I can handle it.

OK Mark has come home and we have had our discussion. He can read me like a book! He came home and told me he ran the most incredible AA meeting ever and hat people were really inspired. He shared that he talked a lot about honesty and living a good life and as he was talking he asked me what was wrong. The guidance I prayed for was there. I told him what was on my mind and we had an honest non-confrontational discussion. It still makes me a bit wary when we have these kinds of talks but they are much better than a year ago.

Mark reminded me of today's Hazelden, which is below....He also remarked that our conversation about money was handled according to the words in this reading-principles above people. He then reminded me that he needs to blog today-you see I am powerless over people places and things...BUT I CAN ASK FOR GUIDANCE AND PRAY....It really does work!

Today's Hazelden:

"Today's thought from Hazelden is: The best outcome is just and
equitable.Principle over Personality -

Looking ahead to this day, I may face a possible conflict with another
person over a certain issue. How should I respond to this?
If I'm to follow my principles, I should hold to the idea of seeking the best outcome for everybody concerned.
It may be very harmful to look at these conflicts as a case of
winning or losing. If I seem to win when I'm wrong, I will lose in the long run.
If I seem to lose even when I'm right, I can know that there's a just resolution
of everything in time. I will always win, however, if I keep my thinking
straight and take care to avoid resentment and bitterness.It's not
surprising that the world is beset by conflicts.
Millions of people have conditioned themselves to selfish ways of thinking and behaving that are bound to cause such conflicts. Much harm is done by people who are absolutely sure they are right at all times.
As human beings, we cannot expect to be excluded from these conflicts
simply because we have a Twelve Step program. We do, however, have a means of
dealing with such conflicts effectively when we respond according to principle.
This makes us privileged people, in a way, but it is good to know that any
person can have the same privileges by following the right principles.Unpleasant
as any conflict may seem, it does give me an opportunity to learn and to grow. I
will seek to benefit from any such conflict today."

Communication and THINK-Strategies for Dealing with Toxic People

2007-05-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

I receive a monthly email newsletter from Dr. Dale Atkins called Sanity Savers. This month's topic spoke directly to an issue I am wrestling with "words and the thoughts behind those words".

In the newsletter Dr. Atkins states " We all respond differently to what is acceptable and unacceptable, offensive and stupid. But what would happen if we just thought more before we spoke? If we really considered the effects of our words on others, as well as how those words reflect on us, we might think differently about what we say. Much of what we say is mindless. Much of what we say is critical or negative. Try to stop talking and listen to your thoughts. You can discover clarity in silence. Creating and Fostering a Healthy Socio-Emotional Environment encourages you to pay close attention to what you say and develop a sense of competency in your social relationships." Dr. Atkins also defines the phrase " Social competency" as recognizing someone else's need as well as asserting your own need and accepting that when you are engaged with another person you accept responsibility for your actions. " According to Dr. Atkins people who are socially competent have a healthy sense of self and choose appropriate social, communication and problem solving skills, and avoid making another person feel diminished in any way. "

WELL I believe anyone who has lived through addiction and working a program of recovery wrestles with this topic.

I know in my recovery that I have had to look long and hard at my "social competency". While I lived in the illusion that I was outgoing and likeable and a good communicator I came to realize in my recovery that I was noto a good communicater and not really likeable in the state I was in as I lived in chaos and had no healthy sense of myself. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where there was a lot of yelling and sreaming and name calling-many of those family members are still like this...I was the youngest by many years and as I think through my past it is now very clear to me that I was a human doing andnot a human being..I had no sense of myslef....I was a baby in every sense of the word and I expected others around me to rescue me and take care of me...The concept of thinking about how my actions might affect others was anathema to me. I never intentionally hurt others but I just didn't think. I did not attract the best around me and now in my recovery know that I am capable of so very much more. I regret all the years I feel I wasted but theya are in the past and I have a lot to look forward to in the present.

I think about how I handle things today and realize the wisdom that I learned in the Alanon blue book is incredible. IN that book there are several readings that relate to this issue...If you can get hold of or have the Alanon Blue book (not the AA book) you can read the slogans and the chapter on communication. ALl of this is clearly laid out there.

I am one day at at time becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin and with listening to my inner voice..As a result my social competency is vastly improving....as is my husband's.
My alanon recovery has taught me to not react to people sometimes - especially if they say stupid things that are hurtful or that I don't agree with...I have learned to ask myself first How important is it and if it really is not that important I have learned to let it go....Question about this is "In practicing this new behavior of not reacting to everything, at what point does one become a 'doormat'." For me I think this answer will become clearer as I become more and more self reliant and self confident everyday

Here are some examples: I work part time with someone who I find very judgemental. She tends to put me down all the time. The other day she asked me if I noticed that a new cleaning person started in the office who rearranges peoples desks and empties coffee cups. I responded by saying I did not notice, but how wonderful it is that the new person takes pride in their job. SHe got really snappy when I said this as she understood me to be saying that "those people" don't take pride in their jobs and said that I come up with bizarre statements.....I was really hurt by her response, and frankly a bit angry....However, instead of expressing how I felt (which would probably be confrontational), I cowered and said, I am sorry what I said offfended you. Another situation happened recently at an alanon meeting when it was time to vote for new program chairs. I am unable to commit to chairing a meeting a this time but told one of the people who was reluctantly offering service that if she won and needed a subsititute I would be happy to fill in. Her reponse was "there are no winners". It was a very harsh response and hurtful..In both of these situations I realized that it really did not matter ("How important is it") so why bother engaging. But I wonder if I could have been a bit stronger in my response. This is me chartering new waters with new behaviors I have learned over the past year-practicing the 12 step principles in all my affairs. As I become more comfortable and more confident, perhaps I will find better responses.

THINK before you speak THINK stands for is it THOUGHTFUL, is it HONEST, is it INTELLIGENT, is it NECESSARY, is it KIND. If it is not, it is best left unsaid....I try to apply this to what I say and to others to those who say things that hurt me. I am learning to ignore what they say if it is not based on the think principle. AND today I taught this principle to our 8 year old son who has been talking back to me lately...I sat him down and shared the THINK concept with him..It was like a lightbulb going off....I wish it did not take 40 years for me to learn this. A lot of pain could have been avoided.

Person at work-to react or not to react
my sister-therapy, meeeings, just because she needs it does not mean I do...listen to my inner voice
my husband when he rages-deal with it.

PRAYERS PLEASE

2007-04-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

From Hunter:

To all my friends who are participating in this journey with us, please send love and prayers today. Recovery is a continuous roller coaster. I am very sad today and need to find a job. Mark is in a bad way today. I am not worried about him drinking. It is just his anger that I can not handle today. He is raging and screaming...I can't handle his anger and I can't handle being a whipping post. It is not all about him. I can't handle screaming and raging...that is where things are today... I know it will pass and I am grateful to have strong program behind me that helps me to not react and to understand that his anger is toward him and not me...Please pray for us....

Afternoon update: My son and I prayed this morning and my son is amazing...He prayed for God to guide his dad and to help his dad know that the next right thing to do is..He prayed for guidance and for love and then told me to give dad a big hug when he came home as that is what he needed.....The kid was right.....and things did get a bit better.

I also, when things were calmer, reminded Mark that no matter how bad things seem they were much worse a year ago.....Even if they are just a tiny bit better, that is a tiny bit better than a year ago......Small things...baby steps....good to be reminded.

LISTENING TO OUR INNER VOICE..AND TAKING AWAY THE CAR KEYS

2007-04-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

Post from Hunter:

I am OK today. A co-worker of mine who did exactly the same job as me was offered an amazing full time opportunity at the company I currently work at doing a job that I would be great at. I am sad about this, especially as I really need the money. BUT I have wonderful 12 step recovery. I processed my feelings and my anger, including feeling like a total and complete LOSER! It is really hard not to be self deprecating and get down but more important is that I acknowledged my feelings and remembered that feelings are not facts and that I am not the first well qualified person to get passed over for an opportunity. I felt God's hands embracing me and letting me know that this was just not the right opportunity. I really like the person whom they offered the job to and frankly he deserves it. It probably was not the right opportunity for me, I may not be ready for that kind of opportunity , my personality and appearance probably would not have worked with the team involved in it and there probably is something better for me in the offing...I am so desperate for work that I think I should be offered everything....Most good things happen to those who wait and usually not to desperate people...And for me God has always made me wait longer than most. While I am upset, I am happy for my male colleague...Notice that a man was offered this job and as I think through the company I work at men have the top jobs and women have the support jobs....Glass ceiling has not gone away! But my recovery teaches me that there is a plan and I trust it. I know that I am giving my best everyday. That is all I can do..and as my sponsor would say NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have not been to many Alanon meetings lately but after this experience I thought it would be a good idea to go and share my recovery with others and listen...I don't feel the need to go to a lot of meetings and I know that is OK. Many would give different advice, including my sister, who is a therapist and in recovery for 20years. She calls me once in a blue moon and is really not a big part of my life...Last night was one of those periodic calls and it concluded with a lecture to me about not going to meetings...Recovery is the ability to let someone talk and acknowledge that you have heard them and if you do not agree don't engage simply say thank you...It took so long for me to learn this..BUT this behavior really does work. I am today emotionally healthy and I know that my inner voice is the only one I need listen to. This voice helps me to always do the next right thing and it helps me to learn to keep my mouth shut at times when I did not in the past. I always get into trouble when I do not listen to this voice.

I have been helping others recently who have posted on various alcoholism websites...I am struck by the postings from people whose alcoholic loved ones are driving cars and they are doing nothing about it. There was no metaphor intended by using the word struck but it is interesting.

ANYONE WHO KNOWINGLY ALLOWS SOMEONE TO DRIVE DRUNK IS JUST AS GUILTY AS THE DRUNK DRIVER. PLEASE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE IN THIS SITUATION STOP THE PERSON FROM DRIVING NOW, BEFORE SOMEONE'S BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in this situation during Mark's years of drinking and like most people who become crazy because of someone's alcoholism I was in denial.

When I think back on all the years I was in a car with him when he was driving drunk and all the times he drove our child in the car without me, or with me, and he was drunk, I realize how lucky we are as a family that nothing ever happened AND how increbibly sick and stupid I was for allowing this.....Note I credit good luck with nothing happening as it was far from sound judgement.

It was about a year ago today that I finally had the car keys taken away from Mark. I was unable to do this on my own-I was so very sick in the head and overwhelmed from the madness and chaos created by alcoholism in the home and by my denial and inability to accept the situation and do the next right thing. I remember being outside in a screaming match with my drunk husband and begging him not to get into the car. I remember calling my alanon sponsor to help me-she is an angel and I owe much of my recovery to her loving, kind and gentle guidance. She has never let me down or failed me and I am so lucky to have her in my life. My sponsor explained to me that I could lose everything by allowing him to drive...If he hurt or killed someone in an accident I would be liable and that I could lose my house and everything, especially since the cars are registered in my name! She told me that I would be just as guilty as my husband if anything happened and urged me to call the police to handle the matter since I was clearly in no frame of mind mentally to do the right thing....On that day my sponsor was my inner voice and I listened to EVERYTHING she said. I called the police and they were in our driveway within 5 minutes....What a horrible experience to have gone through but how right this decision was. As it turned out my husband's ability to get a license was under suspension from other traffic violations, he was visibly intoxicated and the police "guarded" our street for 24 hours to make sure he was not driving.... We bought him a bike and for 10 months he did not drive a car. He managed to continue drinking and driving but the driving was on a bike and therefore more of a danger to himself than anyone else.

PLEASE if you are reading this and are allowing an alcoholic you love to drive drunk stop it now and either take the keys away or get help taking them away before something horrible happens..Do not rely on luck..I was a very stupid woman for doing this and I am lucky nothing ever happened.!

TODAY..I am so grateful for Mark's recovery and for mine. I am not sure I would have the peace and joy I have today without Mark's sobriety and commitment to AA. I really love and need him very much and as I do not have a very close extended family, my dad is dead, and my mom no longer knows who I am because of her Alzheimer's I am so alone without him. We are helping each other grow as we both recover and it is a wonderful experience. I credit our recovery again with good luck as well as divine intervention and hard work.

So many things in our life are difficult at present I am grateful that God has given us the chance to grow together again as a family and experience all the joys as a result...Not everyone in an alcoholic situation is this lucky...BUT all can find the best "next right thing"and move forward. Learning to find our inner voice and to listen to it is key to recovery....Mine is telling me today to be grateful to to get off the computer now and get some exercise....